Pain is overwhelming

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I went on a date with a nice guy who wasn't too bad looking. But I didn't feel it and squirmed when he reached to touch me.

 

I told him the following day, pretty much things in the same vein as my ex did when we broke up. That hes nice looking and a good person but I just didn't feel it. I truly believe that. However, the deal breaker for me was his background... not something he can help but different to mine and not something I was comfortable with.

 

Its triggered me because I know now that yes, for the most part, I was probably 'ok' enough. But that there WAS something wrong, that there was a dealbreaker. :( I wish I knew what it was.

 

Another thing thats triggering me, is that whilst I care about not hurting the other guys feelings, i'm not bothered if I never hear or see him again. And I guess my ex is proving this is how he feels about me and thats really hard. I say to this guy we can be friends, but I don't really mean it, what is the point?

 

In conclusion, I'm not dating for a while. I want it more than anything but I can't be on either side of this coin, its horrible each way. Life is horrible. We really do judge and I f**king hate it.

 

Those people who are happily coupled, I believe what you've found is rare. I believed that anyway which is why life has been a dark cloud since I lost it, I never wanted to.

[unit1]

hey, at least u r trying a new date, keep on such activities.....

its great!

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Over a year since the Break up and 4 months NC. I still think about him and wish he'd reach out. (Even though hes blocked) I still look at my phone when I get a message with hope hes come to his senses. I know its all silly, its obvious he couldn't be more indifferent. I don't want to loose hope for the life I could of had. I wish something would change.

[d0nnivain]

Something will change when you change it. Change your mindset. It's been a year. That means this is a new year. Tell yourself this is the year you get happy; then set about making yourself happy. You can do it! Right now you just don't want to.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Valentine's was tough. I always think that if he ever thought about me in a positive way or regretted what happened that there might be contact on holidays. I had nothing for my birthday, christmas, n y and now Valentine's. I was in such a mess about it last night that I added to my suicide note. It's been on going in the event it gets too much. I'm now feeling calmer and sat with a coffee in silence in my living room.

 

I dislike myself more and more and feel so unattractive and unwanted all the time. I felt like had I had courage last night. I'd be gone today and it would be all over. But here I am. Until next time I suppose.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are feeling calmer & that you did not end your life. He's really not worth it. Valentines is a fake holiday anyway but it does make a lost love feel that much more painful.

[HiCrunchy]

Valentine's day was hard for me too and i had a similar thought process for a bit, I sat alone in my room for a while with my coffee. But then I just decided to spontaneously get my parents some chocolates for the holiday. They were so happy. Maybe next time in the holidays you can try to do something nice for those that do love you. I know it made me feel a little better at least for a little while. I'm in a similar boat so maybe I am the last person that should be giving you advice, but i hope it helps

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Thanks for the replies. I like that you got your parents chocolates Crunchy.

 

At the moment where I am. I couldn't tell you if i'll make it to 30 years old. I beat myself up almost everyday over the fact he thinks i'm so worthless. I'm alive but I tell you if it could end in my sleep tonight, it would. As the title of my thread says. The Pain is overwhelming.

[Beachead]

Thanks for the replies. I like that you got your parents chocolates Crunchy.

 

At the moment where I am. I couldn't tell you if i'll make it to 30 years old. I beat myself up almost everyday over the fact he thinks i'm so worthless. I'm alive but I tell you if it could end in my sleep tonight, it would. As the title of my thread says. The Pain is overwhelming.

 

Apart from myself, I have few friends who have been depressed and suicidal. 2 who've attempted it. They all have something in common. They were overly giving in nature and let people walk all over them. They made their life about others. Didn't give a damn about themselves. The ones who were suicidal at some point and managed to get passed it are the ones who started giving a damn about themselves.

 

You're capable of winning the love of others but you're stuck in your own head and given that it's been about a year, it's now become a choice. It's not about how a man won't accept you because there are plenty who will and you've seen it yourself..it's more about you not caring anything about yourself because you don't OP. Not really. You have some lingering things there so deeply rooted and engrained into your wiring that you are unaware of it..but it's trailed with you into adulthood and you've simply come to a point where you will have to work on it to move forward.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Thanks. I do try. I have a job, I see friends. But my thoughts always come back to him. I think how happy I would of been had it stayed good. I blame myself for just being me. I'm still in pain as though the breakup is fresh! I think its because I truly don't think i'll feel this way about another man... but I didn't do anything wrong! To loose him I mean. This is why I get suicidal because im not getting past this.

[Beachead]

Thanks. I do try. I have a job, I see friends. But my thoughts always come back to him. I think how happy I would of been had it stayed good. I blame myself for just being me. I'm still in pain as though the breakup is fresh! I think its because I truly don't think i'll feel this way about another man... but I didn't do anything wrong! To loose him I mean. This is why I get suicidal because im not getting past this.

 

He turned you down and you turned the guys you were dating down.

 

He hurt you. You likely hurt them.

 

His reasons were out of your control just like your reasons for rejecting these guys were out of their control (You still missed your ex). No matter how perfect of a boyfriend they could be, it wouldn't change how you felt and no matter how perfect of a girlfriend you could be, it wouldn't change how he felt. You're beating yourself up about it even though it's not your fault and I know atleast ONE of those guys were beating themselves up also even though it wasn't their fault.

 

It's no different. And it happens everyday; not winning someone over then having to continue. The only difference here is this time you cared about the outcome.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

The difference for me, was that me and my ex had a 6 month relationship. Its different being ditched after that as opposed to one date like I did with that guy I dated once.

 

I'm actually feeling abit concerned recently. This is ruining my life. What if I never feel ok again? This has haunted all my days.

[Beachead]

The difference for me, was that me and my ex had a 6 month relationship. Its different being ditched after that as opposed to one date like I did with that guy I dated once.

 

I'm actually feeling abit concerned recently. This is ruining my life. What if I never feel ok again? This has haunted all my days.

 

What if one of the guys you went one date with had come off some multiple bad relationships/experiences as well and this was the first time in a year or two since he put himself out there. His friends had told him to go and give dating a try and the first girl he went out on a date with was you. He liked you but you didn't call him again. Maybe he didn't want to date because he didn't want to take another rejection like that and that's exactly what happened. How would you think he would have feel? He would feel discouraged. It's not a big deal for you but it would hurt him far worse. I'm not saying one date is the same as 6 months but I am saying depending on people's particular circumstances, rejection is rejection. Something you think isn't a big deal is a big deal to them. You dont know how it is for others or where there coming from. There are always situations like this.

 

How does this tie to you? It's more common than you think and a normal part of life and people have to learn how to take those punches and come back from it everyday. And they do.

 

Perspective is everything.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I'm actually feeling abit concerned recently. This is ruining my life. What if I never feel ok again? This has haunted all my days.

 

I'm glad you're feeling concerned. It means you realize your thinking and feeling about this situation is a bit distorted. I think on some level you do realize it's not normal to be feeling so non-functional in your life after a year of living without this man you had only a six month relationship with. You two do not share children, did not have to divide assets, move, etc. It did affect you very badly, but it's really time for it to not win anymore. You're surrendering your entire life to this man who does not deserve that control over you.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I feel like the only way I could ever move on, is for him to show me I did mean something and show i'm not a piece of disposable trash hes made me feel. I want him to show me that im not repulsive to him, that our time together wasn't a lie and that i'm worth something to him. My value to him is clearly nothing since he 'respects' my NC. He doesn't think i'm worth fighting for.

[d0nnivain]

I feel like the only way I could ever move on, is for him to show me I did mean something and show i'm not a piece of disposable trash hes made me feel. I want him to show me that im not repulsive to him, that our time together wasn't a lie and that i'm worth something to him. My value to him is clearly nothing since he 'respects' my NC. He doesn't think i'm worth fighting for.

 

No, no, no. You have this all wrong. If he didn't care he could talk to you & not be NC. He's NC because continuing to interact with you prevents both of you from moving on.

 

You are not a piece of trash & your relationship was not a lie. At the time you were together he cared in the moment. The difference is it's over but you are not accepting this.

 

You continue to give him too much power. You will feel better when you chose to feel better. That is not something you can get externally. While you continue to seek validation from somebody who has no ability to give it to you, you will remain unhappy. Once you stick up for yourself & love your self & realize you are worth it, then you will move on & be happy.

 

Try it.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

If he cared, he wouldn't let me go! He wouldn't of accepted me being Nc. He would of found a way to talk to me, tell me he misses me... he would feel the need to talk to me. Clearly, he doesn't give a crap.

[d0nnivain]

If he cared, he wouldn't let me go! He wouldn't of accepted me being Nc. He would of found a way to talk to me, tell me he misses me... he would feel the need to talk to me. Clearly, he doesn't give a crap.

 

No he just doesn't want to date you. There's a difference which you fail to understand.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If he cared, he wouldn't let me go! He wouldn't of accepted me being Nc. He would of found a way to talk to me, tell me he misses me... he would feel the need to talk to me. Clearly, he doesn't give a crap.

 

This is such distorted and completely inaccurate way of thinking. I'm sorry, but you are just wrong. You can care about people and not want to romantically date them (anymore). Since he knows you, and we do not, I'm sure he has the forethought to realize that if he shows you he cares, you're going to assume he wants to be with you romantically again and he cares enough to not give you false hope. I know it hurts that he doesn't want to be with you romantically, but it's a fact of life and it's happened to all of us .

 

I know you don't believe us, but someday you'll find someone you care about, but just don't want to be with them romantically and then maybe you'll understand what we're trying to say.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I find it so offensive. After everything. He wouldn't even give me a chance and instead... looks for a replacement!

 

I'm sorry but whatever anybody says this makes me feel flawed! I only wanted one man, I can't even keep his interest. What does that say about me? It makes me feel like a failure.

[HiCrunchy]

I find it so offensive. After everything. He wouldn't even give me a chance and instead... looks for a replacement!

 

I'm sorry but whatever anybody says this makes me feel flawed! I only wanted one man, I can't even keep his interest. What does that say about me? It makes me feel like a failure.

 

Yes, I understand. It feels like you were cheated because you didn't do anything wrong in order to lose him and you loved him with all your being. And he didn't want to try.

 

I understand that feeling, and it hurts more than if we had ****ed up.

 

But there is nothing that can be done. That is the past and you have to live in the now.

 

Maybe he will come back one day completely in love with you (flowers and the works) or maybe you will find someone a million times better. We don't know the future and crazier things have happened.

 

My point is no matter what happens, you have to pick yourself up and try to live now, in the present. Don't live on what you had, and what you may or may not have in the future. You can only live now. Now is all you ever have.

 

How do you want to spend your now? In sadness and despair?

I know its hard, believe me, I relate to this post more than you will ever know (just check my post history).

 

I know it hurts, but you have to try to feel good now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I find it so offensive. After everything. He wouldn't even give me a chance and instead... looks for a replacement!

 

I'm sorry but whatever anybody says this makes me feel flawed! I only wanted one man, I can't even keep his interest. What does that say about me? It makes me feel like a failure.

 

Well, you are flawed because we all are. Nobody's going to even try to convince you otherwise because that would be disingenuous.

 

Are you a perfectionist overall? I think you need to accept that you were not the perfect person for this man. Doesn't mean you won't be even more than perfect for someone else.

 

Maybe if you start by accepting the fact that you are flawed, and it's perfectly ok to be flawed, you'll start to feel a little more normal....like the rest of us imperfect people .

[Beachead]

I find it so offensive. After everything. He wouldn't even give me a chance and instead... looks for a replacement!

 

I'm sorry but whatever anybody says this makes me feel flawed! I only wanted one man, I can't even keep his interest. What does that say about me? It makes me feel like a failure.

 

OP, life will not grant us something just because we want it..it certainly doesn't work that way with people. People have free will and they have a right to do what they want to do just like you do what you want to do.

 

Out of all those guys you rejected, I bet some of them WANTED a second date and didn't get what they wanted either. Your ex hurt you. You hurt them. It's all the same and everyone has to get through it. Sorry to bring it up again but it's the truth. Don't play it down just because you don't care about any of those people you dated. That's like someone who had a 6 year relationship playing your relationship and your pain down just because your 6 month relationship wasn't as long as theirs. Whether it was just a first date, a 6 month relationship, a 6 year relationship..it can still causes hurt. Duration has nothing to do with it. Depending on how much crap we've been through in our life, that one rejection can feel like death or it can feel like a mosquito bite. You should understand that given your situation.

 

Men have given you chances but you play them down because you're stuck on one man. That's on you. Don't blame anyone else. As long as you keep this way of thinking up, you'll just miss out on everything good that will come your way.

Edited February 17, 2018 by Beachead

[Lowrider93]

Whenever you start thinking of the past, STOP IT!

It does not exist anymore.

 

Whenever you start thinking about the future, STOP IT!

It does not exist.

 

Each and every day is a gift weather we realize it or not.

 

Take Care of TODAY!, Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

Hugs

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I can barely live with the pain anymore. Its been so long. I'm stressed everyday. I disappeared from his life completely and he still doesn't care. Its painful just living without love.