How can a large man be the victim?

[MelodyRye]

To some who are unaware of the intricate dynamics involved as to why a woman doesn't just leave and especially to those who say she is "allowing" it, please for the love of God google "domestic violence why victims don't leave", "domestic violence ptsd in", "Stockholm syndrome in domestic violence " "effects of ptsd that prevent women from leaving domestic violence", " psychology in trauma domestic violence" and "battered women syndrome " ," lethality risk increase when leaving domestic violence relationship", "homicide during or after leaving domestic violence"--- please ftlog

That's understanding when those women feel trapped.

 

In this case, since the abused was a large man why did it take too long for him to divorce that nasty wife? Waiting till their oldest daughter's HS graduation is too long. Just finished talking to my neighbor and he revealed his then wife was emotionally abusive for months on their 2nd year of the marriage but moved on quickly to getting physical, starting with slapping all the way to then kicking, punching him, throwing household objects near his direction and chasing him with a broom. I just learned his friend was a bouncer (now retired) at the time.

 

Since he already had the physical advantage and wasn't really fearing for his life like a woman would be, he could walked out the door way before and filed for divorce.

Edited December 27, 2017 by MelodyRye

[rubyjuly]

That's understanding when those women feel trapped.

 

In this case, since the abused was a large man why did it take too long for him to divorce that nasty wife? Waiting till their oldest daughter's HS graduation is too long. Just finished talking to my neighbor and he revealed his then wife was emotionally abusive for months on their 2nd year of the marriage but moved on quickly to getting physical, starting with slapping all the way to then kicking, punching him, throwing household objects near his direction and chasing him with a broom. I just learned his friend was a bouncer (now retired) at the time.

 

Since he already had the physical advantage and wasn't really fearing for his life like a woman would be, he could walked out the door way before and filed for divorce.

 

"Since he already had the physical advantage and wasn't fearing for his life...."

 

Differentiating out in how it plays out in the case of a battered woman

 

"Since he had the physical advantage over her and she was living in fear for her life"

 

Thank you

Case closed.

[amaysngrace]

Being abused is shame inducing. Coming forth to report it is extremely hard because of the level of shame one experiences.

 

I don't think it's gender specific.

 

The last thing an abused person needs is the sensitive story of their past in the hands of an unsafe individual but like my counselor told me, "not everybody has the capacity to understand".

 

So please quit trying to.

[rubyjuly]

Yes a woman can be abusive to a man but as said before there is a clear distinction between the two that is self explanatory-- ( one clear indication of this is why are there countless women's defense classes, specifically to instruct females in how to defend themselves if attacked physically by a man, and not vice versa.

So yes it is when it counts it's very gender specific (not gender specific in the sense that women cannot be abusive to men but distinction here in how it plays out and that is the critical part.

[amaysngrace]

Yes a woman can be abusive to a man but as said before there is a clear distinction between the two that is self explanatory-- ( one clear indication of this is why are there countless women's defense classes, specifically to instruct females in how to defend themselves if attacked physically by a man, and not vice versa.

So yes it is when it counts it's very gender specific (not gender specific in the sense that women cannot be abusive to men but distinction here in how it plays out and that is the critical part.

 

Oh that's crap. I nearly killed my exH when I fought back. I sent him to the ER and had an attempted murder charge on top because I came that close to killing the bastard.

 

And he is taller than me and even though I was about eight months pregnant he still outweighed me by over 50 lbs.

 

It's a mindset and a big man can feel as badly inside as a small woman can just like a small woman can get as angry as a big man can.

[SammySammy]

Again, rubyjuly, we understand that.

 

We understand there are differences between men and women. We understand it may be more difficult for some women to leave for a number of reasons. No one is suggesting that is not true.

 

Still, if the house you’re in is on fire it might be a good idea to leave. No matter how difficult it may be. If there’s oppressive heat, smoke, you’re stressed, you love the house, ... whatever. If you have the opportunity, it might be a good idea to get out.

 

I have a childhood friend who was in an abusive relationship. The woman was verbally and physically abusive. The woman would jump on him and beat him up. He, being raised to be a gentleman, was taught a man shouldn’t hit a woman. That he was bigger and stronger than her and if he was a “real man” he should take it. He “loved” her. Who knows, he could have been “stressed” too. Threatened. One day he walked in the house and she started to hit him as she had done so many times. Only this time she had a knife in her hand. Blow to the chest punctured his heart and he bled out before the ambulance arrived.

 

My friend is DEAD! D-E-A-D. Dead!

 

All because he stayed with an abusive person. It doesn’t matter why he stayed. He’s still dead.

 

Y’all can throw out all the studies, justifications, rationalizations, and excuses you want. I don’t care. I still advise any person - male or female - to leave an abusive situation if they can.

 

That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

Edited December 28, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[rubyjuly]

Oh that's crap. I nearly killed my exH when I fought back. I sent him to the ER and had an attempted murder charge on top because I came that close to killing the bastard.

 

And he is taller than me and even though I was about eight months pregnant he still outweighed me by over 50 lbs.

 

It's a mindset and a big man can feel as badly inside as a small woman can just like a small woman can get as angry as a big man can.

 

i don't know really about the veracity of any story someone writes on the internet-- what I do know are the facts speak for themselves in regards to the difference between men and women. Perhaps you are a rare exception, and perhaps some other possibilities.

 

I can speak to the facts and statistics and that I feel it's safe to say it's self explanatory why men have a distinct physical advantage vast majority of times-- hence something called "women's self defense classes"???

[Steve51]

Feminism has turned over in its grave. Why can't a woman beat up a man. My mother once attacked my Dad in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He simply did not defend himself and ended up bloody from her blows and scratches. Just watch the movies where all of a sudden women are beating up big men and running all the law enforcement agencies. Women are fighting in wars. Watch Atomic Blonde to see what a female can do to a dozen men larger than her.

[anika99]

i don't know really about the veracity of any story someone writes on the internet-- what I do know are the facts speak for themselves in regards to the difference between men and women. Perhaps you are a rare exception, and perhaps some other possibilities.

 

I can speak to the facts and statistics and that I feel it's safe to say it's self explanatory why men have a distinct physical advantage vast majority of times-- hence something called "women's self defense classes"???

 

Exactly what point are you trying to make? We know that most men have a physical advantage over most women. Nobody is arguing that so you can stop telling us about women's self defense classes to prove your point. Nobody here is blaming women for their abuse but you seem to want to diminish the experience of male victims of domestic violence by stating the that they "allow it"

 

Do you seriously believe that a woman can't scare a man? What difference does strength make if a woman has a weapon? There are women who have killed men who have tried to leave them. Men are also afraid of losing their kids, of having their reputation ruined, of being falsely accused of abuse themselves when they try to defend themselves. If the cops are called because of a physical altercation between a man and a woman 9 times out of 10 the guy gets arrested even if the woman attacked him, because she isn't going to admit that, she is going to say he attacked her.

 

Again, domestic abuse is mostly psychological. Yes some woman stay because they literally fear for their lives but it's just as likely that they will stay because of other reasons as well. Usually because they love their abuser. They empathize with him, and feel sorry him and his tragic life. They think of how wonderfull their abuser treats them, of how good he he makes her feel when he's not abusing her. Interesting that you mention Stockholm syndrome to back up your argument because it's actually backs up my point. It illustrates the psychological bond that is formed between an aggressor and his victim. Those hostages refused to testify against their captive. They weren't in fear for their lives at that point. The problem was that they had emotionally bonded with their captive and sympathized with him. Don't dismiss the psychological component of abuse.

 

Nobody is blaming a woman for being abused. Abusers groom their victims. It starts slowly and builds. Usually it begins with a slow chipping away at the victims sense of self esteem and confidence. The abuser makes their victim doubt themselves and their sense of reality. Furthermore the abuser begins to assert more and more control over their victims daily life, limiting the victims social circle and isolating them. Fear for ones physical safety is usually not present at this stage. It's all mental, a breaking down of ones boundaries and a type of brainwashing. Men are as vulnerable to this brainwashing as women are. It's like the elephant who doesn't even try to escape even though he is only being held by a flimsy little rope tied around his ankle that he could easily break free of. He has been conditioned to belief he is weak and helpless. This can happen to both men and women.

 

I'm not blaming women for being victims of abuse, I'm just saying that men are also victims. I don't agree at all with her assertion that women are helpless but men are volunteers. Men are victims just as women are.

[rubyjuly]

Exactly what point are you trying to make? We know that most men have a physical advantage over most women. Nobody is arguing that so you can stop telling us about women's self defense classes to prove your point. Nobody here is blaming women for their abuse but you seem to want to diminish the experience of male victims of domestic violence by stating the that they "allow it"

 

Do you seriously believe that a woman can't scare a man? What difference does strength make if a woman has a weapon? There are women who have killed men who have tried to leave them. Men are also afraid of losing their kids, of having their reputation ruined, of being falsely accused of abuse themselves when they try to defend themselves. If the cops are called because of a physical altercation between a man and a woman 9 times out of 10 the guy gets arrested even if the woman attacked him, because she isn't going to admit that, she is going to say he attacked her.

 

Again, domestic abuse is mostly psychological. Yes some woman stay because they literally fear for their lives but it's just as likely that they will stay because of other reasons as well. Usually because they love their abuser. They empathize with him, and feel sorry him and his tragic life. They think of how wonderfull their abuser treats them, of how good he he makes her feel when he's not abusing her. Interesting that you mention Stockholm syndrome to back up your argument because it's actually backs up my point. It illustrates the psychological bond that is formed between an aggressor and his victim. Those hostages refused to testify against their captive. They weren't in fear for their lives at that point. The problem was that they had emotionally bonded with their captive and sympathized with him. Don't dismiss the psychological component of abuse.

 

Nobody is blaming a woman for being abused. Abusers groom their victims. It starts slowly and builds. Usually it begins with a slow chipping away at the victims sense of self esteem and confidence. The abuser makes their victim doubt themselves and their sense of reality. Furthermore the abuser begins to assert more and more control over their victims daily life, limiting the victims social circle and isolating them. Fear for ones physical safety is usually not present at this stage. It's all mental, a breaking down of ones boundaries and a type of brainwashing. Men are as vulnerable to this brainwashing as women are. It's like the elephant who doesn't even try to escape even though he is only being held by a flimsy little rope tied around his ankle that he could easily break free of. He has been conditioned to belief he is weak and helpless. This can happen to both men and women.

 

I'm not blaming women for being victims of abuse, I'm just saying that men are also victims. I don't agree at all with her assertion that women are helpless but men are volunteers. Men are victims just as women are.

 

I don't know a simpler way to communicate this fact--- yes- women can be abusive however the result of that is quite different than when a man is abusive due to basic physiology

 

It's true and I even wrote about it above that the psychological impact and effect that abuse has on a woman is very real- (aka battered woman's syndrome ) -- trauma changes the brain. It causes things like dissociation and inhibits the victim from being able to take action. This is all real, researched heavily by countless psychological and social sources.....the reality of how trauma changes and affects the woman's brain is real and fact based and has resulted in more recent times with changes in how for example police are supposed to be trained to respond to a domestic violence assault call when speaking with the victim. There is an organization called peace over violence that among many other things is helping create trauma based training for police officers to understand why a victim may act the way she does, why she may not be able to recall certain parts, why she may not even be able to speak in a coherent way when interviewed. And many other effects like wobbling on if she will testify, and even ultimately if she'll consider going back together with her abuser.

 

One can call the National Domestic Violence hotline and also google "peace over violence" organization which also has several hotlines and a ton of resources and educational information to help people understand the facts rather than the stereotypes or rhetoric.

[rubyjuly]

I forgot Stockholm syndrome wouldn't pertain to a person who doesn't fear their captor-

Although it's true as you said a woman can be abusive, it plays out in a very different and distinct manner--- a man who is with a woman who's abusive is not as others above stated is not in fear for his life and chooses not to use his physical advantage over her--- so he is not fearing for his life-- so that is not Stockholm syndrome.

[amaysngrace]

One can call the National Domestic Violence hotline and also google "peace over violence" organization which also has several hotlines and a ton of resources and educational information to help people understand the facts rather than the stereotypes or rhetoric.

 

 

Yep. Facts do matter.

 

Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline

[gaius]

It's natural for some women to want the man to demonstrate his strength. Not by punching her in the face of course, but by not letting her be in control. Either through verbal or physical means. It's one of the hallmarks of a genuine, healthy male female relationship. That the man is stronger.

 

Labeling every woman who whacks a man an abuser is over the top and a large man hiding in the bathroom from his much smaller girlfriend is downright pathetic. He shouldn't be with her if he's that weak. Man up or find a bland wallflower instead.

[Robert]

**Moderation note**

 

Please post to the topic

[rubyjuly]

Yep. Facts do matter.

 

Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline

 

Oh well yea a man can perpetrate violence or rape on his male partner in a homoesexual or trans relationship... if you notice the title is just that men can be victims of abuse- yea true..

 

I used to work at a restaurant with a man around my age who was in a live in partnership and would occasionally come to work with bruises and confided to me that his partner was abusive to him and he sometimes beat him up. A woman can act in an abusive manner last time really feel like stating the obvious, bc of physiology won't wield the same level of damage as a man will

[Art_Critic]

A woman can act in an abusive manner last time really feel like stating the obvious, bc of physiology won't wield the same level of damage as a man will

 

I beg to differ on that.. if you have ever had a full can of coke (top not popped) thrown at your forehead or a knife drawn on you and put to your throat..

 

I have and I had no control over the situation and I was bigger and stronger..

 

My only choice was to get out of the room and get away from the person... in the end the only fix for me was to end the marriage.. if I had stayed my stronger bigger body would have been abused more and in the end I might have been dead..

When my then wife decided to closed fist punch me in the face while driving one day I guess she did that because ?? I guess I just just let it happen.. lol..

 

Thanks for minimizing the fact that women can abuse men, by doing so you are blaming the victim.

Men don't report it there it must not exist.. bullshiot...

 

This thread is about women who abuse men and why.. not about how men abuse women.

[anika99]

Oh well yea a man can perpetrate violence or rape on his male partner in a homoesexual or trans relationship... if you notice the title is just that men can be victims of abuse- yea true..

 

I used to work at a restaurant with a man around my age who was in a live in partnership and would occasionally come to work with bruises and confided to me that his partner was abusive to him and he sometimes beat him up. A woman can act in an abusive manner last time really feel like stating the obvious, bc of physiology won't wield the same level of damage as a man will

 

You are the one who needs to educate yourself on abuse. You keep talking about physical size and strength and ignoring the psychological part of abuse. It is easy to abuse someone who has been broken psychologically first. I won't bother explaining it to you again because it's like talking to a wall. You seem to feel that if we acknowledge that some men do in fact get abused by their female partners that this somehow invalidates abused women. I get that most domestic violence victims are women. I get that when someone is killed in a domestic situation it is usually the woman. It is horrific and unacceptable. I can understand that and at the same time also understand that there are some men who are also abused by women. Below is a small excerpt by a man who has been abused by his wife.

 

" I have been physically abused on over a half-dozen occasions by my wife. Even though I weigh 180 Lbs and stand 6’1″ tall my wife studied martial arts in college and found her first opportunity to use it when we had a disagreement the first year we were married. She punched me in the head (temple) and knocked me to the ground. When I got up and pushed her away from striking me again, she called me an abuser! She has sucker punched me in the head for disagreeing with her at a party. And assaulted me with bats, cast iron skillets tossed across the room into my back as I ran, punched me in the stomach on multiple occasions, and kneed me in the groan. I finally filed an assault charge (at the encouragement of a psychologist!) That was what broke the chain. She still is verbally abusive, but not physically for over 10 years now. Everyone of my friends and family (even her mom) have told me to leave, but I have three kids and need to give stability to their lives."

[carhill]

Reading the OP, the following thoughts came to mind....

 

First, I recalled how Larissa convinced James to help her murder Tim (Schuster) and recognized and respected the power of manipulation women learn from a young age regarding men, ostensibly due to being the 'weaker' sex but perhaps the psychology is more complex than that.

 

Second, men are socialized to ignore pain and abuse and the same time we're trained to inflict it upon others. Some of us do that professionally. In any event, most of us have been beaten, physically damaged, shot, verbally abused, molested, whatever, by the time we reach adulthood and taught that expressing feelings about that is not 'manly' and are socially shunned if we do. However, in recent years, this appears to be changing a bit, hence the discussion about male victims of female abuse, something unheard of decades ago when I was young.

 

Three, our male-dominated protect-serve judicial system is geared and staffed to protect women from evil males and all males are presumed to be evil unless otherwise proven non-evil. Witness all the sexual molestation, abuse, harassment allegations of late. Who do you believe? That's women at work on the male, indoctrinating him from birth into protect/serve. It has its place but abuse of that powerful influence can result in male victims of abuse.

 

Lastly, the sample case. A big male is presumed to be strong, able to defend himself and, typically for a man, able to 'take it', so it's laughable that he'd be, or declare himself, a victim. Men would chide him 'can't keep the little lady in line? Loser.' Women would dismiss him as a whiner and wimp. Seen plenty of it in my time. A_C's anecdote from his M is no surprise to me.

 

Myself, I've always seen women as equals. Threats are dealt with in the same manner, male or female. Women don't get a pass. Got that beaten out of me early, though the protect/serve indoctrination in my youth was strong. No way would I ever want to end up like Tim did, cooking in a barrel of acid. Not me brother.

[rubyjuly]

Women are equal to men... that doesn't mean they are the same as men. Children are equal to adults but not the same. A woman is equal but biologically different which doesn't just include a different lower genital area it includes the whole physiology.

 

Some stats that I found say 1 in 3 female homicide victims were the victim of male perpetrated domestic violence that was lethal to the woman. 1 in 20 men who are homicide victims are from an intimate partner who in 89% of the cases was male on male- iow it was a same sex male-male domestic violence relationship.

 

97% of murder suicide victims are **female-- from a male intimate partner.

 

While women can act abusively towards a man, the results are quite different. In the majority of cases males with an abusive female partner didn't result in injuries that required medical attention, while female victims assaulted by a male partner resulted in injuries that required medical intervention and transport to ER.

[William]

**Moderation note**

 

Please post to the topic

 

 

And the oldest moderator who's definitely known for treating all members as equals shows up to reinforce the prior directive from Robert and, well, having the two oldest moderators of the forum show up in a thread can be perceived as impending doom for those who choose not to post to the topic.

 

If in doubt as to what the topic is, re-read the original starting post in the thread. If that seems ambiguous, read the title of the thread. If still confused, there are thousands of other threads on LoveShack.org to read and post to. We encourage it! Thanks!

[Art_Critic]

In the majority of cases males with an abusive female partner didn't result in injuries that required medical attention,

 

First of all.. most if not almost all of the cases of women to male abuse DO NOT get reported, I never reported any of mine.

So your stats are severely skewed....

 

I think society in general expects a male to show and stay strong, not show any weaknesses and that is why when a male gets abused he doesn't report and lets it continue.. to report it would look weak.

 

It took me leaving and therapy to realize that I was even being abused.. I took it as everyday life with my then wife.

 

I was only married to her for 5 years but those five years I have enough abusive things she did, financially as well to fill a book.. no kidding.

 

Women who don't hold the purse strings can also perpetrate financial abuse too...

The DV wheel works with both the male and female being the abuser.

[anika99]

Women are equal to men... that doesn't mean they are the same as men. Children are equal to adults but not the same. A woman is equal but biologically different which doesn't just include a different lower genital area it includes the whole physiology.

 

Some stats that I found say 1 in 3 female homicide victims were the victim of male perpetrated domestic violence that was lethal to the woman. 1 in 20 men who are homicide victims are from an intimate partner who in 89% of the cases was male on male- iow it was a same sex male-male domestic violence relationship.

 

97% of murder suicide victims are **female-- from a male intimate partner.

 

While women can act abusively towards a man, the results are quite different. In the majority of cases males with an abusive female partner didn't result in injuries that required medical attention, while female victims assaulted by a male partner resulted in injuries that required medical intervention and transport to ER.

 

This may very well all be true. So what? It has nothing to do with abused men. It doesn't disprove that some men are abused by females.

[preraph]

Because he refuses to hit a woman, which is right. He should just get away from her because she's violent and he's not, lucky for her. He has ethics and she does not.

[rubyjuly]

First of all.. most if not almost all of the cases of women to male abuse DO NOT get reported, I never reported any of mine.

So your stats are severely skewed....

 

I think society in general expects a male to show and stay strong, not show any weaknesses and that is why when a male gets abused he doesn't report and lets it continue.. to report it would look weak.

 

It took me leaving and therapy to realize that I was even being abused.. I took it as everyday life with my then wife.

 

I was only married to her for 5 years but those five years I have enough abusive things she did, financially as well to fill a book.. no kidding.

 

Women who don't hold the purse strings can also perpetrate financial abuse too...

The DV wheel works with both the male and female being the abuser.

 

Well to clarify what I thought was already known, they're not "my" stats, they are researched collected stats. Don't blame me if you don't like what the stats are, I'm just relaying what they are.

[Seymore]

This is the first time I've ever heard of anything like this. I'll refer to the victim as Mike.

 

By my neighbor's own account and him as a witness once, his best friend Mike used to literally get physically abused by his wife. The abuse started after their 2nd year of marriage till they finally divorced after their oldest daughter graduated from High School.

 

Two of the incidents told:

- They got into an argument and he locked himself in the bathroom, thinking there was nothing she could do at that point. The woman still broke the door with all her might and started landing some blows.

 

- Him walking away and getting in his car while his wife was yelling profanities and chasing him with a broom.

 

I've been introduced to Mike once and that guy is 6'4, around 220 lbs. His then wife was an insignificant 5'6 and 125 Ibs. I'm new this is type of ironic abuse. No one deserves to get abused but wow how can a giant like that get abused?

 

Simple. He can't hit back.

 

I went through the same thing and I was bigger than my ex, but scared to even TOUCH her when she was drunk and having a go at me. All you can do is either give in and stay there or try to escape. But the second you lay a finger on them, a man at the very least FEARS being arrested.

 

There were times when I'd try to escape and she'd block the door yelling "Hit me again" so her kids would hear. I never laid a finger on her, but she held the cards so I had to walk back and lay down in bed next to her, only for her to shout at me to hold her. And I did, to stop the arguing. So a woman abused me and I wound up holding her, snuggling her to sleep.

 

Stats be dammed, I know what I went through and I'm glad I got out of that nightmare.

Edited January 11, 2018 by Seymore