36 year old woman's longest relationship has been 7 months

[Art_Critic]

If I am looking for a long term relationship with someone but i see that their previous pattern of relationships has been extremely short "relationships"

I won't be convinced that she is the correct person for me. It would be a waste of my time and effort and i could forgo a better person

 

I've known people who never committed in early dating till they found the right person.. then the commitment happened and they got married.

 

If you chuck the budding relationship out before it has a chance to form anything then you are just showing your lack of commitment...

[jjgitties]

If I am looking for a long term relationship with someone but i see that their previous pattern of relationships has been extremely short "relationships"

 

Then you should cut your losses and move on to someone who has had similar dating history as you.

 

FWIW, past experience you need to take with a grain of salt. I have been in a marriage for 20 years and am looking to get out. When/if I do, the last thing on this world I will want to do is get into another 20 year marriage. Its all relative little einsten.

 

 

:-)

[basil67]

Barbossa, I agree that a person's relationship pattern says a lot about them. But the way you choose to go about asking the questions is appalling.

 

This is the stuff you find out over time and through general conversation. Not via job interview style questioning on an early date.

[newyorker11356]

You are definitely seeing red flags for no reason.

 

A person's relationship history doesn't mean anything. Maybe she wanted to focus on her career (and no, it's not an excuse), maybe she just enjoyed being single until now, maybe she hadn't/hasn't found the right person to be with long-term, maybe she wasn't in a good state to be in a long-term relationship, etc.

 

Way too many reasons to conclude that it means anything. If you like her, just go with it and see where it goes.

 

To me, I don't really care about a woman's past relationship history. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Edited December 10, 2017 by newyorker11356

[No_Go]

Well crossing boundaries is quite different than being delusional. That's what I referred to as being quite sad. Being unable to figure out that at 35 high scool and retirement are equidistant... i.e. half of your life is pretty much over.

 

For Instagram 'princesses' I don't have an opinion I guess people with special fetishes maybe attracted to these

 

 

Sad to you, not to them!

 

They are free to do whatever.

 

Why people have to bind by the age boundaries still

 

I mean people now can do whatever they want.

 

Why do they have to act according to what you think is appropriate?

 

Maybe, you matured at age 12 ( good for you) and they will mature after they turn 35.

 

 

So this is the world we live in now with technology.

 

People will not act to the boundaries that once was established, I am sure you cross many other boundaries and I am sure it is sad for other observers.

[No_Go]

Barbossa, I agree that a person's relationship pattern says a lot about them. But the way you choose to go about asking the questions is appalling.

 

This is the stuff you find out over time and through general conversation. Not via job interview style questioning on an early date.

 

Indeed - even on a job interview it would have been weird to hear: "So.... What did you learn in the last job where you failed and what exactly happened?"

 

I guess it will be a red flag if she can't form a connection but is trying (aka 100 'relationships' by 36), but that's not OP's concern...

[heavenonearth]

I do not think it is too weird, I know a lot of men that age (mid 30s) who never had any long term serious relationships, and nobody thinks that that's weird.

 

You learn a lot by being in long term relationships, that's true..., but what matters most is that you finally found the right person, once you have found them

 

So if you like this person, the lengths of their past relationships should not matter at this point in getting to know one another.

If the lack of knowledge about what it is like to be with another person will show after dating your woman for a while, you can still bring up this issue and see how talking with each other about it will change things.

[stillafool]

7 months is around the time in a committed relationship where you start to really see if you want to be with that person forever. So, I'd say she's probably just really discerning and won't settle, so good for her.

 

^^^THIS^^^ She sounds like a very healthy woman who doesn't put up with anyone's B.S. Good for her!

[justwhoiam]

Yet her longest relationship in her life has been 7 months. I am confused AF

So if the answer to your question had been "16 years", what would your reaction be?

[Kentucky]

I turn 30 in 17 days and I've never been in a serious relationship. Some people don't want to be committed to a person.

 

The first reason was I met a girl a week into college and she got super clingy. Let me give you a hint, 17 missed phone calls, and 20+ missed texts asking if I was okay or if I was mad and then she cussed me out at brunch the following morning when I told her I left my phone in my dorm and was at a Keg Party. I was scared of girls at that point. Had she not done that, we might have been married at this point.

 

The second reason is I tried dating towards the end of college, but felt I wasn't ready and wanted to be young, wild, and free. I know when you get into a relationship, your decisions impact two people and not just one.

 

So, do not judge. I have been actively dating for the past 13 months. If a girl wants to judge my past, that's fine, I don't need her then. People change. What I wanted at 25 is different from now.

[SpecialJ]

I've been in several 1-2 year relationships. The longest was completely toxic. One of the 1 years should have ended after 3 months. So, my meeting your criteria still tells you nothing because they certainly weren't all healthy relationships.

[healing light]

I know a guy who has been in a 2 year and 8 year ongoing relationship (he's 33). The women were/are both toxic as hell, easily some of the worst people I've ever come across; he has effectively neutered himself and sold himself down the river in every way imaginable. I'm 99% positive he's staying with the current one because of the $$$.

 

So, you really don't know anything about the quality of these relationships solely based on the length. Some relationships really need to end, and the sooner, the better. There may have been circumstantial reasons--maybe she didn't even date at all for a period of time, was sick, etc. You just never know.

 

Just because another woman has had long-term relationships doesn't mean they weren't dysfunctional and shouldn't have ended long before they did. I would take the general pattern into account but not get overly hung up on the length of time before you've gotten to know her.

[salparadise]

I would take the general pattern into account but not get overly hung up on the length of time before you've gotten to know her.

 

 

I agree with this. The seven month thing is a data point, but not definitive as to her ability to sustain a relationship. You need to get to know her better, assuming she seems appropriate otherwise (and the attraction and chemistry are there).

 

Pay attention to EQ, ability to be open, expressive, transparent and trusting. Figure out if she has an avoidant attachment style that sends her scurrying out the door as soon as feelings begin to develop.

 

If the reason turns out to be that she just can't let anyone inside her hula-hoop, then it is what it is... but you can't arrive at a big conclusion from one piece of info. Everybody has some kind of history. She could turn out to be the most dedicated, loyal and loving partner imaginable. Date and listen... she will tell you who she is.

[BluEyeL]

Although I read all the arguments on why it’s not a red flag, I’m still going to go with an unpopular opinion and say that yes, to me it would be a red flag,if I was looking for a LTR. There is no point in asking why, they’ll never give you the truth. Maybe they don’t even know it. I say move on or proceed with caution. Saying there is no problem with that may be tolerant and politically correct but it doesn’t ring true to me.

[Chilli]

So what's happened since the thread started anyway, have you gone ahead , how's it going ?

 

My O , ldk. lt is strange fore sure but at the same time, all sorts of things can happen and work out some way or nother for all sorts of people.

 

l know where the key will be though , in her personality . If it is a problem you'll see things about her as you spend time with her . My guess is either she's a perfectly happy normal sane person just unlucky in love so far , or she's got issues.

 

Anyway , if your still seeing her you'll probably know by now this threads been around awhile.

[act00]

I do agree that as you approach older and older, the inability to sustain a long-term relationship beyond a few months is sketchy and you wonder why. This lady is 27, and you really hit adulthood at around 25. School should be done, a descent job that pays the bills, some extras, and a sense of self, accomplishment, and done playing and partying, and time to settle down...there could be any number of reasons these relationships never progressed. I guess it comes to how we should be with any dating and potential LTRs, and that is, proceed with caution. Get to know the person. At six months, if this woman has intolerable behaviors, you'll move on or she will. Someone who's been in longer relationships could be broken or have more baggage...there are no easy answers here. This is why dating was invented...so you figure out if the person is compatible or not.

[BluEyeL]

She is 36 if she was 27 I’d say it would still be ok.

[fieldoflavender]

It's actually not that hard to find someone to date. And not that hard to stay in a terrible relationship. It takes a stronger person to want to date someone of quality and substance and want something longer.

 

I would say 36 and not been on 1 date or something a bit of a red flag, but maybe some people just want to find the right person. And they don't want to settle.

 

And props to her - there is immense pressure for women to date now and settle down and so much stigma, like you are propagating. If I was her and knew you were having all these doubts, I would drop you like a hot potato. Why would I want someone who just wants to see me settle?

 

I would so much rather be single than date mediocre guys for years and settle for someone substandard. Or even worse, marry them, have their kids, and have to pay them alimony when they are a deadbeat. No thanks - seen my colleagues do that.

[BluEyeL]

What if she were 50?

 

If she were 50, lost cause fo LTR.someone who wants to be single or has social issues.

[CptInsano]

I once gave a woman the benefit of a doubt who has never had a relationship and was in her early 40s. She seemed perfectly fine and we chatted a lot. I was quite optimistic after the first date, but by the third date the reasons became obvious.

 

I think the OP will have to decide for himself. There are good or bad reasons why somebody wouldn't have had a relationship. But I can't tell from afar.

[kendahke]

If she were 50, lost cause fo LTR.someone who wants to be single or has social issues.

 

or there are no suitable men of her age group where she lives.

 

Not every 50-something year old woman wants to play nursemaid to a man who didn't take care of his health or his finances and through poor judgement has made a thorough mess of his life and health.

[Purrrfect]

I do think this is odd. She’s not good at relationships. She’s probably a serial dater honestly.

 

My sister is older than her and has never had a serious relationship. This has got to be a turn off for most everyone. If a guy told me that I would run like the wind.

[Purrrfect]

My sister is 45 and has never had a serious relationship. Almost everyone finds this weird as do I. Apart from lying I don’t see how she can get around this. She may have to fib on this a little. She sometimes comes across as socially awkward and I think guys realize after a couple dates there is something off about her.

 

 

 

I once gave a woman the benefit of a doubt who has never had a relationship and was in her early 40s. She seemed perfectly fine and we chatted a lot. I was quite optimistic after the first date, but by the third date the reasons became obvious.

 

I think the OP will have to decide for himself. There are good or bad reasons why somebody wouldn't have had a relationship. But I can't tell from afar.

[heavenonearth]

I have a friend who is 35 and never had a relationship. She also is still a virgin.

 

The reason is that she was only in love once with a man who did not requite her love, and she's dealt with depression and loss most of her life, so she's never felt strong or confident enough to pursue anybody.

 

I know it may be hard to believe for some people, but not everybody is cut out to be with someone else. Some people think they may be better off alone...

 

But you cannot guarantee anything, and I know that things can always change once that person may meet someone they think are perfect for them.

 

I think it's quite rude that a lot of people on here think that just because the woman never had a serious relationship means she is a 'serial dater'....

[JuneL]

I once gave a woman the benefit of a doubt who has never had a relationship and was in her early 40s. She seemed perfectly fine and we chatted a lot. I was quite optimistic after the first date, but by the third date the reasons became obvious.

 

 

What are those reasons, if you don't mind sharing?