Too shocked to think of what to say...

[Timshel]

Recovering.

 

Apparently not.

[SolG]

Sober for 25 years.

 

What was he doing at an AA meeting?

 

One of my brother's best workers is an alcoholic who's been sober for about this long. He's still an alcoholic, and still goes to AA. He now spends a lot of time sponsoring or otherwise helping others on their journeys as well. My brother's theory is that continuing to engage with AA is a big part of why he remains sober; it's equal parts altruism, and needing something so consuming as to keep him successfully diverted from his alcohol addiction.

 

Gaeta, are you able to point him towards the infidelity and OW/M boards here without compromising your anonymity? If he were to read the threads there he would hopefully gain some insight in how sooooo many As start with the OMG this is sooooo special, unique and soulmateish limerence... and then progress into torture and pain for alcon.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sober for 25 years.

 

What was he doing at an AA meeting?

 

Keeping himself accountable. Supporting other addicts.

[Gaeta]

He sent me a message that he is in love with his GF and this was just a phase and that phase is over. He added he doesn't know what happened to him but what ever it was things are clear now and he wants his GF.

 

I wonder if the new girl rejected and that's why he got back on track so quickly. He probably did a lot of soul searching and he saw the light at the end. I am glad :-) When you kept sober for so many years it's because you are capable of introspection, I am very proud of him.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Gaeta

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Yup, this connection is about their common life struggle, he identifying with her new sobriety, shaky legs, and thinking he can be her savior... and she'll be forever grateful, forever in his debt.

 

I think you need to tell him that he needs to talk to HIS AA sponsor, a therapist that understands addiction and recovery... someone who can see the seriousness and inappropriateness of the situation.

 

Who knows if his current relationship is viable. That's a different question I think. Sounds like it's not solid regardless. The thing with the new girl could be motivated by need to make changes, but unable to see it clearly or separately.

 

Emotions can be all consuming, and the ability for self-delusion in that state is remarkable. I think he needs to back up and get some real help before he messes up a whole bunch of lives.

 

Exactly this. The sober ego can take many forms, and is a struggle. I would advise this man to speak at length to his sponsor, and I wouldn’t be coaxed into giving any advice other than that.

 

You are a good friend that obviously cares very much, I hope it all works out for your friend.

[maxi105]

hi Gaeta, WHAT A SAGA..!!!

 

and after all of that, your well intended input and caring replies to people you/he won't be needing any of the advice given either, ah well, thankfully his little mid life crisis or whatever his "it's true love after 1 month" phase was all about has sorted itself out (for now).

 

maybe that is why a part of me thought this situation might have been better offline and face to face with you or his other friends as seeing its conclusion, parts of it don't really add up that well...but he has decided now, so that is that.

 

my apologies if you were miffed by me thinking that you were writing on his behalf, but in a way you were...or so I read it that way: after you posting in the original post "He's looking for advice and I need you guys to inspire me"

 

ok, so you are not directly saying he's asked you for outside advice, but there is a sentiment within there that seems to imply that you are writing on his behalf (whether he is aware of that fact or not) in order to seek feedback via thoughts or ideas to him - (and there is nothing wrong with that as such), it was just the 50 something part (i.e. his age) that made me laugh out loud, probably in shock, so if that was inappropriate - then as I said - it wasn't my intention to trivialize things for you or upset or devalue what you were trying to convey.

 

I accept your point, but I stand by my advice, and having read the conclusion to all of this now I realize - his heart has seemed to have chosen to go one way, though whether I really believe he will stay with this girl forever, I'm not sure I would want to bet for a certainty on that one; I feel there is more to what might have happened but was quashed than want was desired. but if they are to stay together then that is a good thing if he truly has come to his senses and loves her.

 

One thing that struck me in this though is how this post seems have gone around in circles from start to finish - where everyone's time, energy and goodwill has gone into thin air to a man potentially in need of ideas or help, on one hand, to actually turning into to situation where the protagonist is coming across as ....hey its cool now...there is no issue anymore but thanks for thinking of me, .....and after all the worry and concern ive decided i'll stay exactly where I am thanks!

 

ok, so I'm glad that things are ok for you guys, but I can't help feeling that there is an element of attention seeking, running from the real issues in his life or boredom at the heart of his actions rather than a logical set of feelings that has thought that much about the consequences of his whims - before the momentary drama took shape to you, via his announcement.

 

maybe this man needs to be a little more honest with those around him from now on and then look to see if there is any kind of correlation between his drinking past and as to whether he was drinking (used to drink) through boredom or attention seeking or running from issues in his life and little thought for consequences etc....

 

again another circle going round!!!!!!

 

you do sound like a caring person, good natured and wanting to help a friend, but I wonder if part of him going back to the girlfriend (if he was possibly dumped by the new girl as you wondered), but if it was not that then I wonder whether it could be also partly down to his insecurity and perception and fear of his beloved friends and family wanting him to be with the girlfriend and not wanting to disappoint.

 

some people would happily deny their true happiness for the fear of what others will think of them, I'm not saying that is the case here, I'm just posing another thought out loud.

 

also I can't help wondering whether you are going to find yourself dragged into more of these little dramas that are not only terribly time consuming but sweep others up in their emotional panic..but I hope I am wrong in that.

 

and what about the new girl he thought he loved???!!! is she just a forgotten entity, someone that got in the way but now he's happy again it doesn't matter?

 

I feel there is so much more to this post than we have known or could know, but I guess in this situation it is the conclusion that matters for you and him.

 

essentially I came back to this thread to explain and or apologize if necessary for adding to interpreting incorrectly the "writing on his behalf" notion, but I think I feel less inclined towards his whims and more concerned that maybe you should get him to take his issues on for himself (now he has done a bit of soul searching) - and to get him to maybe think a little deeper about the things that matter in his world and to think about the potentially serious repercussions decisions like his past situation could have had on other people.

sure, if you stop loving someone that's one thing, but you either love someone and you know it / or you don't.

 

if he did decide to dump the other girl, has he been mature enough to explain things to her? or is it the kind of sorry situation where he is selfishly happy now things have worked out well for him, and he is happy and you are all happier for him and what the hell, the other girl was just a phase, a nuisance or convenient thing for his ego...

 

either way, she was a real person and so I hope that side of things has been resolved in a responsible way.

 

I guess one thing in all of this is the sense that just because someone is in their 50's, doesn't mean they will always act in a responsible way towards other people's feelings or will potentially be honest with what they really want (but are frightened other people will think of them).

 

but as I am always very aware when I write these things, I do not know you, him or the other girl, but on reflection, I hope he has got himself in a better state emotionally and will take on the things he has discovered whilst soul searching in all of this.

 

wasting peoples time or good natures on something that is concluded by the person who felt so strongly one way, only to have them go back to the thing they were so firmly stating that they didn't want in the first place; or leading others on whilst you are still trying to figure out what it is that you really want from life or an potentially intimate relationship is in itself all about the self; and I am surprised by the convenience of it all.

 

if I am honest, I don't know why, but for me there seems as though there has been an element of dishonesty somewhere caught up in it all. if not dishonesty, then information not disclosed, maybe by him to you or him to his girlfriend.

 

I appreciate that you are proud of your friend and the journey he has come through, but now maybe it is time this man pulls himself together. before his dithering costs him more than just a grazed ego.

 

thankfully, now we all have closure!!!!! lol, maxi.

[Gaeta]

Well here I am reviving this older thread about my friend.

 

Yes back in November he got some sense into him and stopped seeing the woman and realized he loves his girlfriend.

 

Now we are 2-3 months later and it's happening again! This time he met in his AA meeting a young girl only 19 years old!! and again he calls me to confess he's in love, he's never felt this way in his life, this time it's different, blahblah.

 

Total shock!! that my friend of 54, a man clean for 25 years would play around with a young girl his daughter's age, a young woman that needs to put his life on track and not be swept away by an old perv going through a life phase.

 

Again he tells me they don't sleep together but they kiss and they're gonna take things slow.................while he remains in his relationship with his gf of 5 years.

 

I am thinking of breaking our friendship over this. This is not the man I picked for best friend years ago!!

 

My daughter says I need to stand by him if I am a real friends, that his mistakes are not affecting my life. All I can think about is how I would be devastated if I discovered my bf was building a relationship with another woman while sleeping next to me.

Edited February 9, 2018 by Gaeta

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow! Not just another woman.....a girl.

[What_Did_I_Do]

This guy is monkey branching from one damaged damsel to another.

 

Can you give him a smack upside the head and ask him WTF is he doing? Sometimes harsh words from a close friend can snap someone back to reality. And then sometimes it can't. But it may be worth a try.

[Gaeta]

Oh I did! I have no problem telling him what idiot he is. I let it all out! He is breaking an important rule at AA, he's not helping this young girl, he's risking his own sobriety AND he's emotionally cheating on his gf.

 

He sees nothing wrong, he serves me phrases like I deserve to be happy at my age, and age is just a number.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh I did! I have no problem telling him what idiot he is. I let it all out! He is breaking an important rule at AA, he's not helping this young girl, he's risking his own sobriety AND he's emotionally cheating on his gf.

 

He sees nothing wrong, he serves me phrases like I deserve to be happy at my age, and age is just a number.

 

He really just needs to break up with the girlfriend. Clearly she is not making him happy if he's that willing to jump into something with anyone else who pays attention to him.

[Mysterio]

When I hear this story. All I hear is lust on overdrive. I think your friend should let his current GF go.

[gone_girl]

Your friend must be going through a hardcore mid life crisis.

 

I'd say that if these women he falls in love with were women that inspired him to be the best man he could be, then maybe it would be worth to leave his current partner and chase his happiness. But it's clearly not the case. But his current relationship doesn't seem to make him that happy either. So I feel a bit bad for him, I sense that he's a total mess.

 

At least it seems that you have a decent friendship, since you can tell him directly what an idiot he is without him reacting badly. I'm not sure what else could you say to him though. If he's a friend that doesn't make you happy anymore then you can just say that you don't like the person he is right now and explain to him for the last time. Maybe ask him to contact you when he's gotten over this crisis and is his good old self again?

[Gaeta]

Finally he did the right thing. He broke up with his girlfriend over the weekend. He says he feels it was the right thing to do and he feels relieved. He said they had not been intimate in 6 months, he had lost all sexual desire for her and they were nothing more then friends for a long time.