elaine567 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 She said he's been sober for the last 25 years...Probably not the issue...And the fact that the OP knows about it, means it's not a "bonus"... But even if he couldn't get it up, perhaps he wants more than an asexual "being" around him at this point in his life..Most people would, no?? TFY As it says in the article irreversible nerve damage so it is perfectly possible he has ED resulting from his alcoholism. If he has a problem performing then yes it may take all the pressure off if sex is off the menu. No sex does not necessarily mean no cuddling, no touch, no physical affection. Who knows what he wants or needs, but HE doesn't seem bothered by it and that is really all that matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 As it says in the article irreversible nerve damage so it is perfectly possible he has ED resulting from his alcoholism. If he has a problem performing then yes it may take all the pressure off if sex is off the menu. No sex does not necessarily mean no cuddling, no touch, no physical affection. Who knows what he wants or needs, but HE doesn't seem bothered by it and that is really all that matters. My mistake.... I thought she was saying the original gf is asexual... If the new one is asexual, then that is kind of odd.... Disregard last two posts, all.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 So, he's been sober for 5 years, and the girlfriend has been around for 7? Most likely, she has been there for the OP during some trying times...Sad. I would advise that the new girl is is no position to be starting a relationship. Isn't that kinda like Co-Dependency? If he is feeling on the outs with his girlfriend, why not communicate with each other and maybe get some insight to these new connections and feelings. And how the feelings were when his girlfriend started with him. I would venture they are the same. On other news, you sound like a great friend to have. You don't pull any punches and yet you seem very sincere and caring. I miss having a friend like that. OP, your buddy is very lucky. God bless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I told him it's not love but infatuation. He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual. He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain. My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall. Who is not sexual, the old GF or the new GF? If it's the old one then he should dump her. He is dating the old GF. Dating is not marriage. Dating is the trying out the other person. If he has decided that old GF is not worth seeing any more. He should break up with her. I also add this. Five years and he has not committed shows that he never valued this old GF very highly. This shows that she should be set free so someone that truly wants and appreciated her, can have her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 So, he's been sober for 5 years, and the girlfriend has been around for 7? Most likely, she has been there for the OP during some trying times...Sad. NO, he has been sober for 20+ nearly 25 years... #19 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 You are correct. Sober +20years. But I wonder, if the sexual aspect is a thing...Maybe a question for the man needs to be what concludes A-sexual to him? She doesn't do it at all, or she isn't freaky and head-cased. What is the current GF sexual status? And has there been talk of drumming it up or down? Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 This is a disaster waiting to happen, but he is going to do what he's going to do. I think he's doing the re-writing history thing when he says he was basically done with his GF two years ago. As you said, moving from the "in love" stage to "real love" does not mean things are over. If he was just so done, he had no real ties to her. He could have walked. I have to wonder about this guy's expectations in life and love. Sounds like he has some growing up to do. Especially considering he has been with his gf for 5 years now and has made no moves to make it permanent. Renter mentality. Maybe he and gf have made a conscious decision to not live together because of their children. That would be fine. But something is missing here in his thought process. As well, he obviously has boundary issues if he is dropping his guard around a vulnerable, one MONTH sober woman. And what does it mean that she is "not sexual"?? He is in la-la land and it will end where it started. He will feel terribly guilty when she ends up drinking again because of how this goes down. Even worse if she takes him down with her. I hate to think of how this will affect her and his kids. He really should cut all ties with this woman, go to different meetings, anything he can do. But he will make his own decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 If both have teens living at home, it's not really unusual that they didn't move in together....Not everyone wants to be the Brady Bunch...Plus a lot of dynamics going on there...Need a bigger place...Kids aren't related, what happens if they start to get feelings, under the same roof.....I dunno...not the type of thing Id ever do or expose my kid to... I wouldn't view that aspect as anything of note... TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 If both have teens living at home, it's not really unusual that they didn't move in together....Not everyone wants to be the Brady Bunch...Plus a lot of dynamics going on there...Need a bigger place...Kids aren't related, what happens if they start to get feelings, under the same roof.....I dunno...not the type of thing Id ever do or expose my kid to... I wouldn't view that aspect as anything of note... TFY I agree. While having someone to share the mortgage with would sure be nice, imagining merging families with children, especially teens, practically makes me break out in hives. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I have a male friend, we met 7 years ago, he's 54. He met his current girlfriend 5 years ago she's around 50. They don't live together but it's a fully commited relationship with both their lives entwined with teenagers, family, friends and all that stuff. This morning he called me early and ask for a moment. He said: I am in love with another woman. I met her one month ago. We are crazy about each other. I fell off my chair in total disbeleif. They were like the perfect couple you look up to. He said he thinks he fell out of love with his gf 2 years ago but he doesn't know how or why. How can you not know how you fell out of love? He's looking for advice and I need you guys to inspire me because all I am thinking about is smacking him behind the head. All I am thinking about is we, people, think we're in a great relationship, our bf says he loves us, we feel happy, we travel and enjoy life together and one morning POOF, gone!! no warning!! Disengage. I would no longer have an opinion because the decision has been made Gaeta, now it's 'is this ok?' Stand away is my advice. There are always warnings, POOF does not really exist. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 ...I don't see why you think you need to counsel or have some type of intervention... HE asked me for advice because he's confused, I am not *thinking* I should buzz in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 As it says in the article irreversible nerve damage so it is perfectly possible he has ED resulting from his alcoholism. If he has a problem performing then yes it may take all the pressure off if sex is off the menu. No sex does not necessarily mean no cuddling, no touch, no physical affection. Who knows what he wants or needs, but HE doesn't seem bothered by it and that is really all that matters. Good point. Him and I do not discuss of our intimate life with our partners. It's possible he suffers from ED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 Who is not sexual, the old GF or the new GF? If it's the old one then he should dump her. He is dating the old GF. Dating is not marriage. Dating is the trying out the other person. If he has decided that old GF is not worth seeing any more. He should break up with her. I also add this. Five years and he has not committed shows that he never valued this old GF very highly. This shows that she should be set free so someone that truly wants and appreciated her, can have her. The new GF is not sexual. It's exactly like thefooloftheyear said: She has 2 teen girls, he has one, they both have their homes, they need space to properly raise their kids. They spend all of their weekends together and a weekday. Not everyone is in a race to move in together especially not when over 50 and still overwhelmed with responsibilities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 So we spoke today. I asked him how he was feeling about everything and he said he felt confused , that his current GF has everything he has ever wanted in a woman and he changed the subject. I did not insist. Maybe I didn't offer him the support he was hoping for concerning his new found-love. I will let him reflect on all of it and I'll stand by his man's cave till he comes out. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 (edited) Gaeta, have only read the first couple of posts but were he my friend I'd tell him he called the wrong woman with the information. He needs to work this out with his current gf. How would you feel if you found out your bf was telling these things to someone who is a friend of both of you and you know nothing about it? Seems to me it's a type of betrayal to call you with this information behind your friend's back (you met him first but have become friends with both?) and if someone I knew did this to my friend, I wouldn't be part of it. If he needs to work through this he should process it with his current gf or find a counselor. Edited November 22, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 Gaeta, have only read the first couple of posts but were he my friend I'd tell him he called the wrong woman with the information. He needs to work this out with his current gf. How would you feel if you found out your bf was telling these things to someone who is a friend of both of you and you know nothing about it? Seems to me it's a type of betrayal to call you with this information behind your friend's back (you met him first but have become friends with both?) and if someone I knew did this to my friend, I wouldn't be part of it. If he needs to work through this he should process it with his current gf or find a counselor. I am not friend with her, I know her as we've been introduced and we cross each other once in a while but my friendship is with him. She is not on social media, we don't have each others coordinates either. Him and I speak on daily basis, we have trust and respect for each other, if somehting bothers him and he needs to speak to a friend before acting I don't view that as a betrayal to his gf. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maxi105 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 hello gaeta, I'm afraid the post also left me a bit too shocked as to know what to say!!!! but for all the wrong reasons... I wasn't sure whether to laugh at this or be slightly alarmed really. had the man himself written in I might have replied with an open reply, but in the context of it all (a man in his 50's) is in love with someone else and that person in all kindness is writing in to a forum for advice on his behalf! I am smiling at this, and I know I shouldn't because I believe you are writing in decent faith as a good person, but you can kind of see how it looks from the readers point of view hey. surely by now this man has had enough life experience to learn about things ? hasn't he... I'm afraid I haven't read what others think or really the posts thread, but I cant help thinking that whatever the situation is, speaking to him face to face as you do is one thing, but advice on his behalf at his age doesn't look that good online however well meaning and kind the thought is. I guess the main thing is that if he's not in love anymore then that is the situation and he will do whatever he does because his heart will be the driver in his personal life and his actions will automatically want to go in the same direction his heart goes, regardless of what his partner, ex, mother, close friends or folks online say. love is a very powerful thing and even if he supresses what he feels it will still find a way of wanting to be with the one he wants. I dnt mean to make trivial of what you are trying to do...but I think the only one with the answer here is him. he's just looking for confirmation of that, but in the end it will be him that leads the way, and his heart has already taken him this far. good wishes, and sorry if this seems flippant. it sint meant to, just saying what I took from it. best wishes, though. maxi 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I don't think you can give him advice per se. If you say stay he'll resent you. If you say go & that doesn't work out, he'll resent you. If you say anything you have to ask Qs the way therapists do? Have you thought about what would happen if you did X? What about Y? What if you lose both? How would you want to be treated in GF's place? That kind of thing. Help him to think about what the options & consequences are but do not even hint at a suggested course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I have found that no matter how well you think you know a couple, you never really know more that they choose to reveal to you and/or the public. I think even more so when you are friends with only one or the other. I have known several couples in my life that I was sure were going to go the distance, but then one day poof! And others that everyone thought were doomed from the outset yet are still together after 20+ years. I try to avoid giving specific relationship advice, even when asked, rather sticking to generalities. When asked outright though I just tell them what I think, usually in the form of what I would do in a similar situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 had the man himself written in I might have replied with an open reply, but in the context of it all (a man in his 50's) is in love with someone else and that person in all kindness is writing in to a forum for advice on his behalf! No idea where you got l am writting on his behalf. This is me speaking about being shocked by a friend sudden irrational behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I am not friend with her, I know her as we've been introduced and we cross each other once in a while but my friendship is with him. She is not on social media, we don't have each others coordinates either. Him and I speak on daily basis, we have trust and respect for each other, if somehting bothers him and he needs to speak to a friend before acting I don't view that as a betrayal to his gf. Oh, glad to read this! I misunderstood! Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 He feels the sobriety connection.. not love... I can meet an Alcoholic for the first time and know they are one before they tell me.. at least most of the time that is.. We have a connection of sorts, the way we carry ourselves, the way we speak of our past etc etc etc.. At 25 years sober he should be 12th stepping this person not trying to get in her pants. Her sobriety legs are shaky and he will undo any chance she has at remaining sober if he try's to have a relationship with her this early in her sobriety. He needs to mentor her not use her. Yup, this connection is about their common life struggle, he identifying with her new sobriety, shaky legs, and thinking he can be her savior... and she'll be forever grateful, forever in his debt. I think you need to tell him that he needs to talk to HIS AA sponsor, a therapist that understands addiction and recovery... someone who can see the seriousness and inappropriateness of the situation. Who knows if his current relationship is viable. That's a different question I think. Sounds like it's not solid regardless. The thing with the new girl could be motivated by need to make changes, but unable to see it clearly or separately. Emotions can be all consuming, and the ability for self-delusion in that state is remarkable. I think he needs to back up and get some real help before he messes up a whole bunch of lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 Yup, this connection is about their common life struggle, he identifying with her new sobriety, shaky legs, and thinking he can be her savior... and she'll be forever grateful, forever in his debt. I think you need to tell him that he needs to talk to HIS AA sponsor, a therapist that understands addiction and recovery... someone who can see the seriousness and inappropriateness of the situation. Who knows if his current relationship is viable. That's a different question I think. Sounds like it's not solid regardless. The thing with the new girl could be motivated by need to make changes, but unable to see it clearly or separately. Emotions can be all consuming, and the ability for self-delusion in that state is remarkable. I think he needs to back up and get some real help before he messes up a whole bunch of lives. I think that's exactly what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Sober for 25 years. What was he doing at an AA meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Sober for 25 years. What was he doing at an AA meeting? Recovering. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts