Complex Friendship and Possible Relationship don't want to screw up

[GemmaUK]

Gotta be really honest with you.

Clingy is not a thing you generally come back from.

Not only that but she expressed to you that you were clingy so it must have been OTT for her.

 

Don't go NC to attempt to win her back.

Don't go posting things on your own social media that are meant for her to see - it totally reeks of needy/desperate.

 

There's no need to like any social media. Let her complain if she wants - so what. She sounds like she is desperate for attention on social media.

Be civil when you see her but you don't need to interact much.

 

Move on from her, get chatting up and meeting new people.

[andrewimecs]

Gotta be really honest with you.

Clingy is not a thing you generally come back from.

Not only that but she expressed to you that you were clingy so it must have been OTT for her.

 

Don't go NC to attempt to win her back.

Don't go posting things on your own social media that are meant for her to see - it totally reeks of needy/desperate.

 

There's no need to like any social media. Let her complain if she wants - so what. She sounds like she is desperate for attention on social media.

Be civil when you see her but you don't need to interact much.

 

Move on from her, get chatting up and meeting new people.

 

So you are saying avoid no contact and just be normal. I honestly want her back because this is the first girl for a long time I actually fell for. I am going to see her very often and if I am cold like this how can we ever see each other in the same social circle?

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with GemmaUK - clinginess can really kill attraction.

 

If you see her out, you can certainly smile and say a quick hello. Nothing more is needed.

[GemmaUK]

So you are saying avoid no contact and just be normal. I honestly want her back because this is the first girl for a long time I actually fell for. I am going to see her very often and if I am cold like this how can we ever see each other in the same social circle?

 

This and your last post contradict each other.

 

No contact is stopping all forms of contact - that would also mean you would not see her at all, not mix with her at all.

 

Total no contact will be impossible if you're in the same social circle unless you just plan to ignore her, not say hello if she says it to you etc.

That's not going to make life easy for all your friends either.

 

You may want her back right now - sounds like you have her on a pedestal though which is not healthy.

A month in and she was over whelmed is a biggie, no small thing.

 

Has she expressed any desire to get back together to you?

[andrewimecs]

This and your last post contradict each other.

 

No contact is stopping all forms of contact - that would also mean you would not see her at all, not mix with her at all.

 

Total no contact will be impossible if you're in the same social circle unless you just plan to ignore her, not say hello if she says it to you etc.

That's not going to make life easy for all your friends either.

 

You may want her back right now - sounds like you have her on a pedestal though which is not healthy.

A month in and she was over whelmed is a biggie, no small thing.

 

Has she expressed any desire to get back together to you?

 

 

It would be tough to ignore her and a dick move but I will say hi of course and nothing crazy. I wont show her any affection or compliments.I honestly do want her back and I though no contact would help with that especially not messaging her or liking anytjing she does on social media or ignoring her texts if she texts.

 

We broke up yesterday morning so it is still fresh. Not sure what to do from here. Basically i want to maximize my chances of getting back with her and if I stretch out all my options and nothing works then I will simply just have to get over her. I just want to know I have a fighting chance or tried at least and then eventually just remain friends which I can do for sure. It was a short relationship so I am not extremely devastated. I am upset of course because I actually fell for her but I just want to broaden all my options.

[andrewimecs]

I agree with GemmaUK - clinginess can really kill attraction.

 

If you see her out, you can certainly smile and say a quick hello. Nothing more is needed.

 

I know it does and thats why I am pointing to everyone else for help. I know I screwed up and I just want to see if I can slowly and gradually fix it and re attract. I have heard and seen many stories of people falling out because of being clingy but rekindling later because they changed. I want to use every option out there and ifnall else fails remain being her friend instead of dating again.

[GemmaUK]

You sound incredibly desperate to win her back.

Almost like you are not accepting it's done, you've moved right on to strategies to win her back.

 

The comments of 'doing everything possible' & 'maximise chances' - she will smell this on you.

 

Just accept it's done and move on.

Respect her wishes, this was her relationship too and respect is crucial to any type of relationship, friends too. Try having some respect for her and let this go.

[andrewimecs]

You sound incredibly desperate to win her back.

Almost like you are not accepting it's done, you've moved right on to strategies to win her back.

 

The comments of 'doing everything possible' & 'maximise chances' - she will smell this on you.

 

Just accept it's done and move on.

Respect her wishes, this was her relationship too and respect is crucial to any type of relationship, friends too. Try having some respect for her and let this go.

 

That is fair but how come ex's come back for some people?

[ExpatInItaly]

That is fair but how come ex's come back for some people?

 

The ones who come back (with serious intentions) often have a much longer and more established history together. There is a point of reference for how things once were, which motivates some exes to try again.

 

The problem here is that two were really only together a few weeks and she already felt put off.

[andrewimecs]

The ones who come back (with serious intentions) often have a much longer and more established history together. There is a point of reference for how things once were, which motivates some exes to try again.

 

The problem here is that two were really only together a few weeks and she already felt put off.

 

We were best friends and still technically are which is what we agreed on over the phone yesterday and know each other inside out and she said to me she has never met someone as amazing like me. She also said to me in the future maybe we can be together but we both have issues to sort out.

[GemmaUK]

That is fair but how come ex's come back for some people?

 

All sorts of reasons but the worst thing about clingy is it just doesn't go away.

Being smothered is not a good feeling.

Would you like to be trapped in a corner by snakes/rats/tarantulas/something you are fearful of?

That is how ;smothered/overwhelmed' can feel.

It's the closest analogy I have.

 

Just move on buddy, this one isn't for you. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

We were best friends and still technically are which is what we agreed on over the phone yesterday and know each other inside out and she said to me she has never met someone as amazing like me. She also said to me in the future maybe we can be together but we both have issues to sort out.

 

OP, realistically, you two won't remain best friends. That dynamic changed when you got romantically involved and then broke up.

 

What I mean by exes with established history is that they have history as a couple. And really, you have only known her 6 months. That isn't so long, even in terms of friendship. It takes much longer than that to truly know person.

 

I think she liked you but was very turned off by the smothering behaviour. So yes, she thinks you're an amazing guy but she isn't romantically attracted anymore and is trying to soften the blow.

[elaine567]

Sex is important and many women are turned off by men who are unable to get or maintain an erection.

It is a huge turn on and ego boost for most women to find her man is "raring to go", the fact you were unable to maintain an erection did not help your cause one bit, especially as I guess you are young.

Yes, you may have been clingy and over powering with your compliments, but a woman who is very interested and "loved up", would not have worried about that (unless of course your attention verged on the "crazy"), but the lack of sex will have made it impossible for her to consider you as serious bf material.

[andrewimecs]

All sorts of reasons but the worst thing about clingy is it just doesn't go away.

Being smothered is not a good feeling.

Would you like to be trapped in a corner by snakes/rats/tarantulas/something you are fearful of?

That is how ;smothered/overwhelmed' can feel.

It's the closest analogy I have.

 

Just move on buddy, this one isn't for you. Good luck!

 

Fair enough, okay how about this. We were best friends and still are now which we agreed to. How do I be friends with her without being awkward or how do i become friends with her like I was before we dated?

[andrewimecs]

OP, realistically, you two won't remain best friends. That dynamic changed when you got romantically involved and then broke up.

 

What I mean by exes with established history is that they have history as a couple. And really, you have only known her 6 months. That isn't so long, even in terms of friendship. It takes much longer than that to truly know person.

 

I think she liked you but was very turned off by the smothering behaviour. So yes, she thinks you're an amazing guy but she isn't romantically attracted anymore and is trying to soften the blow.

 

Fair enough! How do i become good friends withbher again then or just friends and stay in contact with her? I want her in my life somehow because she did nothing wrong and I have no hard feelings so how can I do this especially considering we have the same social circle?

[andrewimecs]

Sex is important and many women are turned off by men who are unable to get or maintain an erection.

It is a huge turn on and ego boost for most women to find her man is "raring to go", the fact you were unable to maintain an erection did not help your cause one bit, especially as I guess you are young.

Yes, you may have been clingy and over powering with your compliments, but a woman who is very interested and "loved up", would not have worried about that (unless of course your attention verged on the "crazy"), but the lack of sex will have made it impossible for her to consider you as serious bf material.

 

How do I show her that I am fixing that? Before our break up when I could not maintain an erection I told her I was getting help from a sexual therapist and would do anything to fix this and she said thats amazing let me know how it goes. How do I show her that once I am fixed or helped I can have sex again no problem?

[GemmaUK]

I thought you wanted to go NC, now you say you want to be best friends?

I am confused.

It's unlikely you will now go back to best friends, you dated her.

 

You're seeing a sex therapist, this is a pretty huge thing and probably not the best thing to enter a relationship with if you are both expecting sex to all be fine.

Why are you seeing a sex therapist and how old are you OP?

[andrewimecs]

I thought you wanted to go NC, now you say you want to be best friends?

I am confused.

It's unlikely you will now go back to best friends, you dated her.

 

You're seeing a sex therapist, this is a pretty huge thing and probably not the best thing to enter a relationship with if you are both expecting sex to all be fine.

Why are you seeing a sex therapist and how old are you OP?

 

Well in the end i obviously want her back but if I can't i eventually want to be friends with her. I am seeing a sexual therapist because for the last 7 months I have had performance anxiety. I can get hard with foreplay and touching but penetration destroys my erection because I worry and get stressed out because of my performance anxiety. I am 24 and have not had a proper erection for intercourse since february.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, I don't necessarily think she will be interested in trying again even if you remedy the physical issue. That is only part of the problem. The other part is the overwhelming behaviour, which is something that yes, can be addressed and resolved, but she chose to bail instead.

 

Had she ever told you prior to breaking up that she felt smothered?

[andrewimecs]

Unfortunately, I don't necessarily think she will be interested in trying again even if you remedy the physical issue. That is only part of the problem. The other part is the overwhelming behaviour, which is something that yes, can be addressed and resolved, but she chose to bail instead.

 

Had she ever told you prior to breaking up that she felt smothered?

 

Ya she did and I still did it but I didnt mean to.

[GemmaUK]

When she told you she was feeling smothered that was your cue to pull right back.

Feeling smothered s a total attraction killer.

 

Just be civil and respect her space, let her lead any friendship which might re-kindle. Understand though that it also may not and certainly won't ever be as close as before you dated.

I can't see she will date you again though and you need to accept that.

 

Also, I think it would be best for you to stay away from dating until you have had time to learn and grow from the sex therapy or maybe switch up to a different type of therapy.