Serial monogamy?

[HiCrunchy]

Sharpen your Pitchfork!!!! Get your torches ready!!!

 

I was totally a monkey brancher when I was younger.

 

Now these weren't serious relationships, no "I love you's" shared. No talk of marriage and a picket fence and a life together forever.

 

Nope, more often than not he was just a guy I was dating. We would have fun together, hang out, chat on the phone, go on dates, sex etc.

 

And being as he wasn't someone I was in love with. Not someone I saw spending forever with.... I never felt compelled to put on blinders and make all other men invisible. He was the right now guy, but certainly not the forever guy.

 

Now, should I have never dated him then? Should I have said "you know what, I know I am still getting to know you, but I don't need think you are THE ONE" and broken up with them preemptively?

 

For me, for the most part relationships are easy. Not much conflict or drama etc - so when are you supposed to pull the plug? When you don't fall in love right away or?

 

I was in college, dating a guy. We was nice, we could talk for HOURS. He was perfect on paper. Good looking, never felt crazy about him for reasons I couldn't pin point, but I also didn't have any reason to break up with him.

 

Then by chance a friend arranged for me to get a ride to a party with one of his friends.....

 

SPARKS - omg, who was this guy?!!

 

And I monkey branched. Went on two dates - mind blown by new guy. Called and broke up with perfect on paper.

 

Moved in with new guy 6 months later.... That was 16 years ago.

 

If I didn't monkey branch, I wouldn't have found my husband. Someone I told "I love you" after a short month, while I didn't feel that way at all about perfect on paper after 6 months.

 

To me this sounds like you should have broken up with the guy you just didn't have feelings for wayyyyyy before this new guy came around. Why wait it out? If people don't feel those "initial sparks", they rarely grow.

 

This could have been done without monkey branching if you had let go of a relationship you knew was wasn't working for you for the longest time. Waiting 6 months to feel sparks feels so long. But I am glad you are happy with your current partner, dear.

[HiCrunchy]

Actually good point - 'casual' relationships, whatever one defines as casual, are still based on some form of connection with a human being....

 

When I hear people using the term 'nexting' someone they're dating it makes me a little sick...

 

Yep, I don't care if I am "ur partner during this moment of my life", like another poster mentioned.

So what if we aren't going to get married and have 2/3 kids and a house. I am still a human and your current partner and someone you claim to cherish and love.

 

In relationships I conduct myself with compassion and respect for the person that I am involved with, and I expect them to do the same.

 

Or at least I would hope so, but humans I see only think about "me, me, me".

 

My feelings aren’t a game, so don’t play with them

Edited November 22, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[RecentChange]

 

I've never dated casually (in the traditional sense; my first BF was a hybrid FWB/relationship but it lasted almost 2 years and we were exclusive), so I can't understand the dynamics of a 'casual' breakup.

 

So far 3 relationships - each one involved a post-break up turmoil with very lengthy correspondence in the first few weeks to months. Last ex sent me I think 30 lengthy e-mails (page or longer), I did the same. Another guy produced like 6 full pages of explanatory e-mail to me just during one night. I am sometimes thinking is this madness with the lengthy correspondence my and my exes personal trademark or all people do it but don't say it out loud ?!

 

 

Heh, yeah .... No correspondence, no tumoil. No pages of emails. BF broke up with me in person, we talked a few more times that week face to face - and that was it. Case closed.

 

Other break ups? We never talked again unless we happened to bump into each other then it was just friendly chit chat.

 

As for Cruchy's remarks,

 

I never felt that the only reason to date someone was to fall in love and create a forever.... lots of people causally date, I can't be the only one. I know those guys were also on the same page - really I didn't go around breaking hearts. There was absolutely no professions of love.

 

I have said "I love you" to two people men. My high school BF (but really it was puppy love - and he dumped me ) and my husband.

 

Other guys I dated I did not claim to love, nor did they love me. It was CASUAL. I had no reason to end the causal thing, it was going fine for what it was.

 

And I am glad you are happy for me dear, over 16 years together, we are doing something right.

[GoodOnPaper]

I never felt that the only reason to date someone was to fall in love and create a forever.... lots of people causally date, I can't be the only one. I know those guys were also on the same page - really I didn't go around breaking hearts. There was absolutely no professions of love.

 

This was the big difference between the girls I dated and me - every single time I was dumped via monkeybranching. I always took dating very seriously and figured the default future was an LTR - as long as we were happy, why would I think otherwise? But these girls always had some predetermined shelf life in mind for the relationship.

 

Do I hold it against them? Not really - it was college after all. From an experience standpoint, it was probably good to be exposed to some of the manipulative behavior one can be on the receiving end of. On the other hand, it was a huge blow to my self esteem to not be “exciting” enough for these girls, and I thought that I was defective for wanting an LTR at such a young age. Ultimately, I figured that I’d need to dive in with the first woman who had a legitimate interest in an LTR with me and that’s what I did.

[HiCrunchy]

As for Cruchy's remarks,

 

I never felt that the only reason to date someone was to fall in love and create a forever.... lots of people causally date, I can't be the only one. I know those guys were also on the same page - really I didn't go around breaking hearts. There was absolutely no professions of love.

 

I have said "I love you" to two people men. My high school BF (but really it was puppy love - and he dumped me ) and my husband.

 

Other guys I dated I did not claim to love, nor did they love me. It was CASUAL. I had no reason to end the causal thing, it was going fine for what it was.

 

And I am glad you are happy for me dear, over 16 years together, we are doing something right.

 

I think the core issue in our disagreement is what our definition of relationship is. From what you have described, the relationships sound more like "flings" or "an exclusive friends with benefits", "a thing" where love or feelings weren't discussed. I admit, I get more emotionally invested so this is not my cup of tea but I know others can do so with out investing and loving as hard as I do.

 

When I think of a relationship, I think love/feelings. Saying "I love you and meaning it" even if its not forever.

Casual relationship can still involve feelings for the other person, even if you don't plan to marry them or have their children.

 

Think of maybe young lovers (teens to late 20s) that most likely won't wind up together because well, they are too young to settle down permanently and have a lot of growing up to do, but are exclusive and love each other for the time being, no matter how short that relationship is.These relationships cannot be serious due to the nature of the relationship (not heading.... to marriage/kids/super duper long term commitments). Just because it isn't forever, doesn't mean the partner should be treated poorly.

 

I never said that being in relationship meant being together forever. I said that to me serious or short term, people should be treated with respect regardless if you see this person as forever or not. Admittedly I do not know if this is the protocol for flings because feelings/love aren't coming into play here.

 

If I am dating my college sweet heart, we are exclusive and he loves me just for an example. Likely that we won't get married and have children as this is a more likely a short term relationship, but he is someone who loves me and if he had any compassion and integrity he would end the relationship in a manner that wouldn't be selfish and cruel to the ex partner. Because yes, you may not be in love with them anymore, but you still care about them right? At little compassion for someone hurting is just something considerate to do. or do they not deserve that at least? I think they do.

 

 

Personally, I don't think leaving a fling or a fwb situation like you described, where you don't love someone to be in a serious relationship can be considered monkey branching, since loving the other person wasn't really a thing.

Edited November 22, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[OneLov]

As long as they were honest, I personally don't care if someone dumped me and moved on. Heartbreak comes with the territory. A long time ago, I accepted there is a better than not chance a relationship will not last, and it will likely end in some pain. There is no way to avoid heartbreak no matter how the end is communicated.

 

Personally, I would not want someone's pity. It would confuse me. If a person cared "that much" about our relationship, why are we not still together? The obvious answer is the person did not care that much. And that is fine with me because at least the person is being honest. To me, honesty about a situation/feelings is how we give ourselves closure. Of course they may have liked and respected me as a person, but I can read between the lines. I don't want the pity party.

[No_Go]

It would confuse me. If a person cared "that much" about our relationship, why are we not still together? The obvious answer is the person did not care that much.

 

That’s absolutely NOT black and white.

 

My first relationship I entered with full awareness that it has NO potential for marriage&babies and it will be temporary. It was just NOT the focus of this interaction. I spent with him the better part of 2 years. I was not in ‘romantic love’ with him so someone may say I didn’t care enough and it was more of an exclusive FWB type of situation.

 

Yet - I DID care, a lot. Just didn’t want to follow the marriage/babies path with him. Proof: I flied across the world (Europe to South America) to help him reconnect with his family. I put a lot of energy, time and resources towards this, although I had the full awareness that’s not a for forever ride and I’ll have to end it shortly after. It didn’t matter because I really did care so I’d have done anything within my power to help him.

[OneLov]

That’s absolutely NOT black and white.

 

My first relationship I entered with full awareness that it has NO potential for marriage&babies and it will be temporary. It was just NOT the focus of this interaction. I spent with him the better part of 2 years. I was not in ‘romantic love’ with him so someone may say I didn’t care enough and it was more of an exclusive FWB type of situation.

 

Yet - I DID care, a lot. Just didn’t want to follow the marriage/babies path with him. Proof: I flied across the world (Europe to South America) to help him reconnect with his family. I put a lot of energy, time and resources towards this, although I had the full awareness that’s not a for forever ride and I’ll have to end it shortly after. It didn’t matter because I really did care so I’d have done anything within my power to help him.

 

I get that. Maybe my choice of wording was poor.

 

I understand that every girl who has ever broken up with me likes, respects, and cares about me as a person. However, she obviously did not care as much about about the relationship as I did to continue it. And that is totally fine; I'm a big boy. I'm not so dense or scorned to believe that she never cared about me or the relationship at all. That is what I meant about reading between the lines--I do not feel disrespected if the other person was honest about her feelings because I understand that feelings change and people grow apart. No harm, no foul.

 

I think by engaging in temporary abstinence from dating for the benefit of the other person can do more harm in the long run; it can serve to send mix messages. Despite the clear message of the break up, intentionally not dating anyone can make the other person (dumpee) believe there is hope when, in fact, that ship has sailed. The perception of hope will make the dumpee more hurt when he/she realizes it is truly over because social norms dictate that people will date other people when a relationship is over.

 

As for a time period? It is too subjective because people move on at their own pace. It is still going to hurt if you truly loved the person whether they start dating 1 month or 1 year later. But like big boys and girls, we will get over it when we realize that you cannot navigate love without some heartbreak. Sometimes you eat the bear; sometimes the bear eats you. We'll all float on. C'est la vie.

Edited November 22, 2017 by OneLov

[BarbedFenceRider]

 

I think what others have posted. It all depends on the definition of "relationship" and commitment. Also it depends on good communication with those words. If anything we can take of this...WE as people do not have good communication with others in general. Or we wouldn't have this site...