Serial monogamy?

[basil67]

I've always thought about it also from the perspective of the ex partner - I'd personally wait for them to step back on their feet before venturing into dating others, even if I feel completely open for love and ready.

 

Opportunities btw rarely happen in vacuum - if I'm not approachable and meeting new people, there is a slim to none chance to land onto a new person even if I'm open to love theoretically.

 

And if the ex partner refused to acknowledge the issues or to even consider counselling while you were still together, you'd still put your life on hold for them? I'm afraid I don't care much for the perspective of the ex after the fact if he didn't care for my perspective while we were still together.

 

I was totally up for meeting new people. Lots of new people. I had to be. My ex had become a hermit and as a result, I had no friends when I walked away. As part of my recovery, I had to start from the very beginning rekindling old friendships, making new friendships and building a social life. My new partner started as a friend of a friend who I met at a party.

Edited November 20, 2017 by basil67

[basil67]

My sister monkey-branched her way out of an abusive marriage. She found love with a new man and very quickly left for him. With my full support.

 

At the time, she was so beaten down that she had zero self confidence and no self worth left at all. She simply didn't have the ability to do it on her own. At the time, she acknowledged that she didn't know if it would work long term with the new guy, but she needed his help to get out.

 

As it so happens, they've now been married about 12 years, so it worked out well. Unfortunate that her ex threw a molotov cocktail at my parent's house though. Divorcing an abuser who was non compliant on his meds was never going to be simple.

 

It's easy to judge people who you don't know. But behind each person being judged, there's an individual with a story. Knowing the story may lead to understanding and compassion.

[lana-banana]

Why would you wait for your ex-partner to be ready before you started dating again? Why would you be keeping close track of their life after you were no longer together? No one who ever dumped me sat around waiting for me to recover before they dated again, and I certainly didn't keep tabs on the men I dumped. The entire point of a breakup is about going separate ways. I can't imagine breaking up with a guy and thinking "hmm, now that I'm no longer dating Joe, I'll let his ability to heal dictate what I do with my life".

[SolG]

Serial monogamy is being single and finding new love without a huge break in between. There's no cheating in serial monogamy.

 

To be technical, serial monogamy is having more than one monogamous relationship in a lifetime; regardless of the length of time in between relationships. Whereas in purist terms, monogamy is one partner only for life.

 

I don't want to unnecessarily muddy the waters... but there's also a distinction between social and sexual monogamy. For most of human history polygany has actually been the norm. With the spread of Christianity, social monogamy and sexual polygany became the predominate model.

 

It was not until the era of modern history that men have been expected to be both socially and sexually monogamous. (Whereas women have always been expected to be both.) And now with the ready accessibility of divorce and other forms of sanctioned LTRs, serial monogamy has become widely expected for both genders.

 

Monkey branching generally involves some kind of infringement of the terms of social and/or sexual monogamy in order to pursue and obtain a new partner whilst still in a relationship that is ostensibly monogamous. It by nature involves behavior that could be construed as cheating (depending on your definition).

 

So IMO monkey branching is something generally undertaken by those who want to be seen as serial monogamists, but aren't really. If it's habitual, maybe they aren't suited to serial monogamy at all for some reason.

[littleblackheart]

Monkey-branching sounds like an affair turned into a relationship. It's the norm in middle class areas where the divorce rate is disproportionately high compared to the number of single people.

Edited November 20, 2017 by littleblackheart

[sdraw108]

The healthy way of dating/mating involves 'clean periods' in between partners. There is no substitute for that: people's mind do not calibrate in an instant after a break up. IMO the duration of the previous relationship divided by two is a good rule of a thumb for the duration of the date-free period after the break up.

 

Agreed, but not with your rule of thumb. A person who comes out of a 6 month relationship will be over it in 3 months but a 20 year relationship needs a 10 year break? Doesn't make sense.

[elaine567]

Agreed, but not with your rule of thumb. A person who comes out of a 6 month relationship will be over it in 3 months but a 20 year relationship needs a 10 year break? Doesn't make sense.

 

Makes no sense practically but emotionally and psychologically, I guess it may actually take some 10 years to get over a 20 year marriage, if they were completely honest with themselves and others.

Many go gungho into new relationships, desperate to get back in the game, to find they are still pining for exes, or they keep exes far too close, or they never really get that involved with the new partner... etc.

I do realise some run slap bang into the true love of their life after coming out of a long relationship, but it seems to me that the "hangover" of a previous "serious" relationship for many can last for a very, very long time.

[sdraw108]

Fair enough, but I guess my point was that I don't think it's really about the number of years the relationship lasted. You could be over a 20 year relationship immediately if you were miserable and fed up of your partner at the end, and you could suffer for ages after a 6 month relationship if you were deeply in love.

 

There are too many complicating factors to have such a simplified rule of thumb. It depends on your personality, how strong your feelings were, whether the breakup was sudden or drawn out, the availability and quality of your support network, how busy you are in life, and all sorts of other things.

[No_Go]

Fair enough, but I guess my point was that I don't think it's really about the number of years the relationship lasted. You could be over a 20 year relationship immediately if you were miserable and fed up of your partner at the end, and you could suffer for ages after a 6 month relationship if you were deeply in love.

 

There are too many complicating factors to have such a simplified rule of thumb. It depends on your personality, how strong your feelings were, whether the breakup was sudden or drawn out, the availability and quality of your support network, how busy you are in life, and all sorts of other things.

 

I think Elaine explained it better than me.

 

I really think there are no shortcuts - even the worst of the relationships need time to get over, not because of ‘breaking love’ aspect but the ‘breaking habit’ aspect. After say 20 years together most people won’t stay single for full 10 years, which doesn’t mean that it won’t take the better part of these 10 years for them to still be decolvoluting the previous relationship.

[No_Go]

Why would you wait for your ex-partner to be ready before you started dating again? Why would you be keeping close track of their life after you were no longer together? No one who ever dumped me sat around waiting for me to recover before they dated again, and I certainly didn't keep tabs on the men I dumped. The entire point of a breakup is about going separate ways. I can't imagine breaking up with a guy and thinking "hmm, now that I'm no longer dating Joe, I'll let his ability to heal dictate what I do with my life".

 

Waiting is the least of a gift that I can give them for the time together, good or bad.

 

No need to keep tabs on anyone - it is easy to know they’re not ready: they reach out etc. My last ex (who I had to break up with because he messaged multiple women on dating sites - ie not the most honorable behavior) kept reaching out, towards the end mainly with anger, maybe 9 months after. He had such a fragile ego - if I have moved on I would have crashed him. Hell I don’t think anyone deserves that, regardless of their behavior towards me.

 

In short it is about empathy.

[No_Go]

And if the ex partner refused to acknowledge the issues or to even consider counselling while you were still together, you'd still put your life on hold for them? I'm afraid I don't care much for the perspective of the ex after the fact if he didn't care for my perspective while we were still together.

 

I was totally up for meeting new people. Lots of new people. I had to be. My ex had become a hermit and as a result, I had no friends when I walked away. As part of my recovery, I had to start from the very beginning rekindling old friendships, making new friendships and building a social life. My new partner started as a friend of a friend who I met at a party.

 

Why do you need to reciprocate someone’s bad behavior? It makes no sense to me. I care about someone regardless their level of caring towards me. My own principles stay the same.

 

For your case with meeting new people: that was a tell take sign you’re not ready to date (overcompensating behaviors show exactly that - you’re still hung up on the past).

 

For your suster’s case: that’s different because there was abuse involved... Sometimes abuse just requires bending the rules to break the cycle

[basil67]

Why do you need to reciprocate someone’s bad behavior? It makes no sense to me. I care about someone regardless their level of caring towards me. My own principles stay the same.

 

No, I wasn't reciprocating his bad behaviour. I simply didn't care anymore BECAUSE of his behaviour.

 

For your case with meeting new people: that was a tell take sign you’re not ready to date (overcompensating behaviors show exactly that - you’re still hung up on the past).

 

No, not hung up on the past. It's about building a future.

 

So I should have continued being completely alone? And if so, for how long? I have the belief that everyone needs to have friendship and connections in their life. I was incredibly grateful that a few old friends took me under their wing when I needed it and helped me get out and begin to live a new life and introduce me to new friendship groups.

 

Sitting alone with no friends is no way to live. People post here all the time about finding themselves with no friends and I think most of us acknowledge how important friendship is to have.

[No_Go]

Well I guess we can agree building future is a good thing.

 

The part that I disagree is that building future necessarily involves new relationship (or even new friendships) straight after the relationship.I can tell you I didn't sit on my b*tt crying after the break up with my live-in bf. I sat down - looked at what i need to do that does NOT involve relationship (in my case it was buying a home and finishing a manuscript, obviously can be anything else), and focused on that. I couldn't do it if I started a new relationship anyway because it was too time consuming.

 

But I have to acknowledge one thing: I can imagine that being alone (relationship, friends) is possibly much harder for an extrovert. I guess that's why you bring up new friendship groups etc. For me and I suppose most other introverts having more alone time is not necessarily something to dread, I have actually enjoyed the time spend on my own.

 

No, I wasn't reciprocating his bad behaviour. I simply didn't care anymore BECAUSE of his behaviour.

 

 

 

No, not hung up on the past. It's about building a future.

 

So I should have continued being completely alone? And if so, for how long? I have the belief that everyone needs to have friendship and connections in their life. I was incredibly grateful that a few old friends took me under their wing when I needed it and helped me get out and begin to live a new life and introduce me to new friendship groups.

 

Sitting alone with no friends is no way to live. People post here all the time about finding themselves with no friends and I think most of us acknowledge how important friendship is to have.

[RecentChange]

Sharpen your Pitchfork!!!! Get your torches ready!!!

 

I was totally a monkey brancher when I was younger.

 

Now these weren't serious relationships, no "I love you's" shared. No talk of marriage and a picket fence and a life together forever.

 

Nope, more often than not he was just a guy I was dating. We would have fun together, hang out, chat on the phone, go on dates, sex etc.

 

And being as he wasn't someone I was in love with. Not someone I saw spending forever with.... I never felt compelled to put on blinders and make all other men invisible. He was the right now guy, but certainly not the forever guy.

 

Now, should I have never dated him then? Should I have said "you know what, I know I am still getting to know you, but I don't need think you are THE ONE" and broken up with them preemptively?

 

For me, for the most part relationships are easy. Not much conflict or drama etc - so when are you supposed to pull the plug? When you don't fall in love right away or?

 

I was in college, dating a guy. We was nice, we could talk for HOURS. He was perfect on paper. Good looking, never felt crazy about him for reasons I couldn't pin point, but I also didn't have any reason to break up with him.

 

Then by chance a friend arranged for me to get a ride to a party with one of his friends.....

 

SPARKS - omg, who was this guy?!!

 

And I monkey branched. Went on two dates - mind blown by new guy. Called and broke up with perfect on paper.

 

Moved in with new guy 6 months later.... That was 16 years ago.

 

If I didn't monkey branch, I wouldn't have found my husband. Someone I told "I love you" after a short month, while I didn't feel that way at all about perfect on paper after 6 months.

[Mysterio]

My buddy S has been with his Wife for 29 yrs and married 19 yrs of them. They broke up in Jan 2017. He is with a new woman. I know how he is. The only way thy get back together is that S wife J pulls out the charm and sex. No two ways about it.

 

I Mysterio have had short term relationships. The last one was 2012 for 5 months.

 

I don't know how attraction works. Its like two people see each other. They spark each other or not. Thats it. I think certain people are just easier to groove with. Others are more complicated.

 

I met a married woman who was in one of my recreation classes. I went up to her and talked to her and found out she was married. She relentlessly tried to pursue me. I was weak at one point. We did not sleep together, but it got close.

 

Sometimes all this love stuff gets to me. Its like why do I need it so bad. Its not a sex thing. Otherwise I would just go see a hooker or do a FWB. When I was in a relationship. We did not have sx for about 6 weeks or so. She was my GF by the time it happened.

 

Sometimes. I think we all need to chill and let things happen for us, withought trying to lead the charge as much.

[No_Go]

@Recent - I remember we discussed personality types (MB) once. Funnily what you described is kind of very in line with this again. Trying not to judge here - just trying to picture it as vividly as I can.

 

I'd be guilt tripping for years down the line if I had the meet-the-guy-during-a-ride experience (even if I had my other bf from 2 weeks with zero fireworks)... I guess i is partly because questions start popping one after another: 'How did this is going to affect them? Why did I start dating the at first place? Why I'm making wrong choices in life? Is this new guy going to be another wrong choice? Or a right choice but I'll hate myself because of the way how it started? Where else in life I'm making mistakes? Am I true to my principles? *insert 1000 other thoughts*.... And all the joy from the new experience would have ended before it started

[Mysterio]

This is how I see it. 25 % of us are going to have one person last for life. 50% of us are going to go in and out of romantic relationships until we pass on, or get into this 25% cut and dry relationship. The last % thing. The other 25%. Can't have anything or are too loppy to make anything last.

 

One way or another. We are all Serial Monogs.

[RecentChange]

@Recent - I remember we discussed personality types (MB) once. Funnily what you described is kind of very in line with this again. Trying not to judge here - just trying to picture it as vividly as I can.

 

Oh we are VERY different aren’t we. You have envisions how YOU would think in this situation - but its nothing like my thought process, nothing at all.

 

I'd be guilt tripping for years down the line if I had the meet-the-guy-during-a-ride experience (even if I had my other bf from 2 weeks with zero fireworks)...

 

First, I had zero guilt. We were casually dating (never agreed to exclusivity – only two guys have ever gotten that, my high school BF of 2 years, and my husband), like I said no talk of a future together. I didn’t feel like owed him anything, and I didn’t think he owned me.

 

All of my break ups, whether I was the dumped or the dumpee were never ever dramatic. Even when I was dumped, I did not wish any guilt at all on the guy leaving - I understood! No heart break, no guilt, life goes on. I don’t guilt trip people, but on the other hand, its rare that I feel guilty – I have certainly never “guilt tripped for years” over anything…. Especially not breaking up with a causal BF.

 

 

I guess i is partly because questions start popping one after another: 'How did this is going to affect them?

 

I assume he will shrug and move on with his life like I did. We weren't in love.

 

Why did I start dating the at first place? Because I like men, and sex, and he is a fun cool guy that I like spending time with, and he seemed to enjoy me even if we both knew it was temporary.

 

Why I'm making wrong choices in life?

 

Hahah NO, this never crossed my mind, in fact, 16 years of history together would show I made the right choice.

 

 

Is this new guy going to be another wrong choice?

I am confident in my choices, and neither was a wrong choice. Wasn't wrong to casually date someone I knew wasn't Mr. forever, wasn't wrong to end that relationship in favor of something that was going to be long term.

 

 

Or a right choice but I'll hate myself because of the way how it started?

Again, right choice, never felt bad about it - went to dude, honestly explained to him why I was breaking up (and he said he saw it coming) - absolutely no self loathing involved.

 

Where else in life I'm making mistakes?

Again, never felt wrong or like a mistake to me.

 

Am I true to my principles? *insert 1000 other thoughts*....

 

I am up front, straight forward, and at the time multi-dater. I left out the fact that I had a long term FWB- that BOTH guy was dating, and future husband knew about. Also, future hubs was dating someone when he met me - of course I had no judgement against this. Its like we met and both of us went "damn - YOU are the one - I have business to take care of.... people got the "I met someone" talk, and we have been together ever since.

 

 

And all the joy from the new experience would have ended before it started

 

Hahaha meanwhile - I went on with my merry old life, and I am pretty positive my ex did as well. I can't imagine breaking up with a girl he causally dated for 6 months was a life changing event.

 

As for "judgement" - I really don't care if I am judged for it. Do what works for you and your relationships. This is what has worked for me, and mine.

Edited November 21, 2017 by RecentChange

[wmacbride]

Agreed, but not with your rule of thumb. A person who comes out of a 6 month relationship will be over it in 3 months but a 20 year relationship needs a 10 year break? Doesn't make sense.

 

 

It doesn't have to make any sense.

 

My dad, who did find a lady to be with a few years after my mom passed away, still gets teary eyed when he sees a photo of my mom.

[RecentChange]

Waiting is the least of a gift that I can give them for the time together, good or bad.

 

No need to keep tabs on anyone - it is easy to know they’re not ready: they reach out etc. My last ex (who I had to break up with because he messaged multiple women on dating sites - ie not the most honorable behavior) kept reaching out, towards the end mainly with anger, maybe 9 months after. He had such a fragile ego - if I have moved on I would have crashed him. Hell I don’t think anyone deserves that, regardless of their behavior towards me.

 

In short it is about empathy.

 

But empathy requires UNDERSTANDING what the other is feeling and thinking. Your thought process is so different than mine - I can't empathize with how you process these things - and I don't think you can empathize with how I do.

 

I am sure you knew your ex well, or maybe you were cut from the same cloth, and perhaps then could empathize and understand that he needed time before you were allowed to move on.

 

In the same light, men I have dated, tend to be "EST's" like I am - and process things in a similar way that I do. I never got a sense from them that I "needed to wait" nor have I ever expected nor desired that from them.

 

I certainly didn't need a year to get over the two year relationship with my "first love" BF when I was 18. I am pretty sure I was fully recovered in a matter of weeks (we were growing apart, leaving for school soon, the writing was on the wall - break up was expected and not a shock). He "moved on" to a new GF fairly quickly, and we were all in a social circle together, she and I actually became friends - he didn't have to wait around for a year for my benefit, I would have found that ridiculous. We understood each other, same type of personalities.

 

And the others? I never felt like I loved them at all, and was able to move on immediately. I assumed by their words and actions that they felt the same way.

[No_Go]

As for "judgement" - I really don't care if I am judged for it. Do what works for you and your relationships. This is what has worked for me, and mine.

 

We may be very different but I'm all with you here ^. I usually listen to people's opinions and give mine but I do what I think it's right (even if people judge) and I don't expect different from others.

 

Oh we are VERY different aren’t we. You have envisions how YOU would think in this situation - but its nothing like my thought process, nothing at all.

 

 

 

First, I had zero guilt. We were casually dating (never agreed to exclusivity – only two guys have ever gotten that, my high school BF of 2 years, and my husband), like I said no talk of a future together. I didn’t feel like owed him anything, and I didn’t think he owned me.

 

All of my break ups, whether I was the dumped or the dumpee were never ever dramatic. Even when I was dumped, I did not wish any guilt at all on the guy leaving - I understood! No heart break, no guilt, life goes on. I don’t guilt trip people, but on the other hand, its rare that I feel guilty – I have certainly never “guilt tripped for years” over anything…. Especially not breaking up with a causal BF.

 

 

 

 

I assume he will shrug and move on with his life like I did. We weren't in love.

 

Why did I start dating the at first place? Because I like men, and sex, and he is a fun cool guy that I like spending time with, and he seemed to enjoy me even if we both knew it was temporary.

 

 

 

Hahah NO, this never crossed my mind, in fact, 16 years of history together would show I made the right choice.

 

 

I am confident in my choices, and neither was a wrong choice. Wasn't wrong to casually date someone I knew wasn't Mr. forever, wasn't wrong to end that relationship in favor of something that was going to be long term.

 

 

 

Again, right choice, never felt bad about it - went to dude, honestly explained to him why I was breaking up (and he said he saw it coming) - absolutely no self loathing involved.

 

 

Again, never felt wrong or like a mistake to me.

 

 

 

I am up front, straight forward, and at the time multi-dater. I left out the fact that I had a long term FWB- that BOTH guy was dating, and future husband knew about. Also, future hubs was dating someone when he met me - of course I had no judgement against this. Its like we met and both of us went "damn - YOU are the one - I have business to take care of.... people got the "I met someone" talk, and we have been together ever since.

 

 

 

 

Hahaha meanwhile - I went on with my merry old life, and I am pretty positive my ex did as well. I can't imagine breaking up with a girl he causally dated for 6 months was a life changing event.

 

As for "judgement" - I really don't care if I am judged for it. Do what works for you and your relationships. This is what has worked for me, and mine.

[HiCrunchy]

MonkeyBranchers are people that don't know when to end their relationships when they are unhappy (so they wait till "someone new comes along") or cheaters that over lap relationships.

 

Damn, the more I read about relationships, the more I see that all humans are selfish *******s.... Even if their partner is good to them and perfect on paper, all I read is about "Me, Me, Me" in these relationships. Not hurting the ex partner you "loved" or even a little compassion for them. I mean ur already stabbing them in the back with a knife, no need to twist it too. Damn.

 

****, someone needs to invent a drug that will give someone the same high being in "love" does and the same sexual pleasure as sex. They would certainly become a millionaire. Its the same high with out the bull****.

[No_Go]

That's interesting way to put it. I guess we (people) are drawn to individuals that are at least somewhat similar in the way they process events. Which is great because less people are hurt badly this way.

 

I've never dated casually (in the traditional sense; my first BF was a hybrid FWB/relationship but it lasted almost 2 years and we were exclusive), so I can't understand the dynamics of a 'casual' breakup.

 

So far 3 relationships - each one involved a post-break up turmoil with very lengthy correspondence in the first few weeks to months. Last ex sent me I think 30 lengthy e-mails (page or longer), I did the same. Another guy produced like 6 full pages of explanatory e-mail to me just during one night. I am sometimes thinking is this madness with the lengthy correspondence my and my exes personal trademark or all people do it but don't say it out loud ?!

 

Last time I saw my ex (which was 8ish months post the beginning of the break-up) I remember going up and down the stairs like 10 times and making out for 'last' time on each way down. This was at a point there were presumably zero feelings left in each of us, and it was still very dramatic and disturbing. I can't imagine how I'd have gone through this if I complicated it with dating someone else [not exactly monkey branching because there were months after the initial break up decision but still it would have been similar to monkey branching].

 

But empathy requires UNDERSTANDING what the other is feeling and thinking. Your thought process is so different than mine - I can't empathize with how you process these things - and I don't think you can empathize with how I do.

 

I am sure you knew your ex well, or maybe you were cut from the same cloth, and perhaps then could empathize and understand that he needed time before you were allowed to move on.

 

In the same light, men I have dated, tend to be "EST's" like I am - and process things in a similar way that I do. I never got a sense from them that I "needed to wait" nor have I ever expected nor desired that from them.

 

I certainly didn't need a year to get over the two year relationship with my "first love" BF when I was 18. I am pretty sure I was fully recovered in a matter of weeks (we were growing apart, leaving for school soon, the writing was on the wall - break up was expected and not a shock). He "moved on" to a new GF fairly quickly, and we were all in a social circle together, she and I actually became friends - he didn't have to wait around for a year for my benefit, I would have found that ridiculous. We understood each other, same type of personalities.

 

And the others? I never felt like I loved them at all, and was able to move on immediately. I assumed by their words and actions that they felt the same way.

[HiCrunchy]

Waiting is the least of a gift that I can give them for the time together, good or bad.

 

In short it is about empathy.

 

I couldn't agree more. How about some compassion toward the person you claimed to love. Grieving the relationship like it actually mattered to you. Like it was worth being with them. Like the relationship meant something.

Casual (as in not forever) or not.

 

How can people be so cruel to discard others and relationship in that manner. It saddens me. And the fact that that is considered a norm is not showing "love" and "relationships" in a positive light.

Edited November 22, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[No_Go]

Actually good point - 'casual' relationships, whatever one defines as casual, are still based on some form of connection with a human being....

 

When I hear people using the term 'nexting' someone they're dating it makes me a little sick...

 

I couldn't agree more. How about some compassion toward the person you claimed to love. Grieving the relationship like it actually mattered to you. Like it was worth being with them. Like the relationship meant something.

Casual (as in not forever) or not.

 

How can people be so cruel to discard others and relationship in that manner. It saddens me. And the fact that that is considered a norm is not showing "love" and "relationships" in a positive light.