Husband has no interest in sex

[jjgitties]

Yes, I'm constantly thinking and feeling as you discribed. It's very difficult. I'm giving him chance after chance to talk and tell the truth. I do try to focus on myself and concentrate on other things, but this is my whole life we're talking about. I'm not ready to give up. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want me sexually, for whatever reason. I don't think he would want to live like that either. Like I've mentioned, the times we are together, it's really good. He easily gets an erection, he makes me orgasm, so does he. Which is why I'm not convinced he has any real physical problem, or with me.

 

I am not advising to give up. Keep trying and see how it goes and if you can instill some sort of change in him.

 

My case is specific to my situation. I have been trying for almost 10 years. I have come to terms my partner will never change.

 

FWIW.. I have come to the conclusion that its possible for some people to change if they experience some sort of shock to the system and the life that they have come become accustomed to for a long time has been turned upside down. Sometimes a total 180 degree career change.. a move to a different city.. a move to a different house or area of the city might instill that sort of change. Maybe something to consider...

[jjgitties]

But if you have sex once a week that doesn't qualify as no interest.

 

FWIW..@OP.. once a week is a hell of a lot better than what I get from my frigid spouse.

[elaine567]

I say once a week at most, it's usually less. In my opinion it is lack of interest, only doing something that seldom. Also, I mentioned its not only the quantity, but all the other actions that go along with it. Flirting, playing, talk, fun... Not just the actual act.

 

 

YOU can't make him do any of these things, if he is not feeling it and I guess he isn't.

Was he always like this and if not the when did this start?

[Flamblu]

First time poster. Really sorry things are not going well. I also suffer from a sexless marriage. Better part of 10 years. Seems the only difference is its my wife not interested in sex. I have been checked out and told I have low testosterone but strangely my sex drive is really strong. I really wish I had helpful words but from my experience it only gets worse. All we can do is keep lines of comunication open, make damn sure the partner knows your displeasure of how things are. I make a point to bring it up every couple of days. I try to do my part, sexy texts, notes, flowers, going out to eat without the kids, serve her breakfast in bed naked. You will know when enough is enough. Best of Luck!

[Silvia García]

I am not advising to give up. Keep trying and see how it goes and if you can instill some sort of change in him.

 

My case is specific to my situation. I have been trying for almost 10 years. I have come to terms my partner will never change.

 

FWIW.. I have come to the conclusion that its possible for some people to change if they experience some sort of shock to the system and the life that they have come become accustomed to for a long time has been turned upside down. Sometimes a total 180 degree career change.. a move to a different city.. a move to a different house or area of the city might instill that sort of change. Maybe something to consider...

 

Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with his job. For one, he works hard and long hours. Plus he's been unhappy there for a while and often talks about wanting a different job. I'll have to think more about how to get him relaxed and be affectionate in a non sexual way. Maybe that will not make him feel so pressured?

[Silvia García]

YOU can't make him do any of these things, if he is not feeling it and I guess he isn't.

Was he always like this and if not the when did this start?

 

I know I can't MAKE him, but I do want to encourage him and help him feel more passionate, since he does agree there's a problem, he just claims not to know the reason... He was always reserved and pretty much left it all to me. But he did respond more appropriately to my advances. It seems to have gotten worse over the past couple of years, after I had our 2nd child. I've asked if it might have anything to do with that, he says no. He often talks about how he would like another one already. My weight is the same, and sorry if it's TMI but my Dr has assured me, I have very little if any stretching from giving birth, with a lot of help from kegal exercise. I'm in good shape, didn't have any tearing or anything, and I healed much faster than normal as well.

[Silvia García]

First time poster. Really sorry things are not going well. I also suffer from a sexless marriage. Better part of 10 years. Seems the only difference is its my wife not interested in sex. I have been checked out and told I have low testosterone but strangely my sex drive is really strong. I really wish I had helpful words but from my experience it only gets worse. All we can do is keep lines of comunication open, make damn sure the partner knows your displeasure of how things are. I make a point to bring it up every couple of days. I try to do my part, sexy texts, notes, flowers, going out to eat without the kids, serve her breakfast in bed naked. You will know when enough is enough. Best of Luck!

 

Thank you. It's hard to put a matter as sensitive as this out for thousands of people, even if it's anonymous, to read and criticize. I guess I should just realize, he knows I'm not happy with the way things are, and I'll just do my equal part, and if he still decides not to make any change, then that's that... I'll have to accept it and be happy and stay if I can. I know our life and marriage isn't only about sex, but it does seem to be a factor in how everything else goes and how we get along in general. I honestly believe if our sex life was better, a lot of other stress and arguments that go on, would also be better.

[BluEyeL]

It seems to be an issue of sexual incompatibility. He's one of those people with lower drives and even if it happens once a week or so, you feel he's not into it.

 

Like others said nothing will make him change . This is who he is. Not terribly sexual. It's a pretty common problem in long term relationships.

 

The only thing I could suggest is to try and not pressure him and be more subtle about your advances. But unfortunately I don't think anything too radical will happen. I just think that pressure is a turn off for low drive people.

 

I hope you come to a compromise and are able to stay with your family intact.

[Silvia García]

It seems to be an issue of sexual incompatibility. He's one of those people with lower drives and even if it happens once a week or so, you feel he's not into it.

 

Like others said nothing will make him change . This is who he is. Not terribly sexual. It's a pretty common problem in long term relationships.

 

The only thing I could suggest is to try and not pressure him and be more subtle about your advances. But unfortunately I don't think anything too radical will happen. I just think that pressure is a turn off for low drive people.

 

I hope you come to a compromise and are able to stay with your family intact.

 

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right. I'll try to be less vocal and aggressive about it. I've tried that route before, but like you said, nothing was really different. I accept he probably just has different levels of desire and low sex drive, compared to my own. I can't make him change, I guess I was just feeling like it was really abnormal, but I guess maybe it's not. I only wanted to improve things for both of us, since he does agree, that we should have sex more and that he would try to do more things that will make him get in the mood. I'll just it all a break, see how it goes.

[S2B]

Why would you resign yourself to stay when it makes you unhappy?

 

Especially when he's been lying to you - you can't trust him.

[BluEyeL]

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right. I'll try to be less vocal and aggressive about it. I've tried that route before, but like you said, nothing was really different. I accept he probably just has different levels of desire and low sex drive, compared to my own. I can't make him change, I guess I was just feeling like it was really abnormal, but I guess maybe it's not. I only wanted to improve things for both of us, since he does agree, that we should have sex more and that he would try to do more things that will make him get in the mood. I'll just it all a break, see how it goes.

 

ITS actually pretty common from what I heard.

[elaine567]

I know I can't MAKE him, but I do want to encourage him and help him feel more passionate, since he does agree there's a problem, he just claims not to know the reason... He was always reserved and pretty much left it all to me. But he did respond more appropriately to my advances. It seems to have gotten worse over the past couple of years, after I had our 2nd child. I've asked if it might have anything to do with that, he says no. He often talks about how he would like another one already. My weight is the same, and sorry if it's TMI but my Dr has assured me, I have very little if any stretching from giving birth, with a lot of help from kegal exercise. I'm in good shape, didn't have any tearing or anything, and I healed much faster than normal as well.

 

I do not think that having another child at the moment is a good idea, not until this is sorted out one way or another.

 

You didn't think he was into porn until you found out otherwise, so do not dismiss the idea that he may be cheating out of hand.

Do you actually know what he is doing on those long hours away?

Long working hours and little or no interest in sex at home can equal cheating... Maybe time to start investigating.

 

Being a single mother of 2 kids is one thing, a single mother of 3 is a whole other ballgame.

[Els]

Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with his job. For one, he works hard and long hours. Plus he's been unhappy there for a while and often talks about wanting a different job. I'll have to think more about how to get him relaxed and be affectionate in a non sexual way. Maybe that will not make him feel so pressured?

 

How long are the hours that we're talking about?

 

It's really hard to guess either way without further information. If we were talking close to 80 hrs/week, it sounds very reasonable that he wouldn't have the time or energy for sex too often (masturbation is MUCH lower effort than sex for most people), and perhaps the way forward for you would be to focus more on quality rather than quantity, "schedule" sex on a day that he isn't working and see if he puts more effort into it that way. On the other hand, if we're talking just 40 or something like that, it sounds more like a porn addiction or a mental issue/depression and might require professional help.

[BlueIvy]

I think he’s either cheating or he isn’t attracted to you anymore.

 

I’m not trying to be mean but you are making all the effort. Even though you said your sex drive is more intense than his, and you gave suggestions and told you how he feels, he still didn’t change. Also, he lied about not watching porn but does it secretly. Why wouldn’t he want to watch it with his wife? You can look the same weight wise, etc but doesn’t mean he can’t lose attraction.

 

I know of a married man who has a side chick. He would never leave his wife as they been together since college. But he says he isn’t attracted to her anymore but still loves her. He said hey still have sex once in awhile. His side chick is younger and objectively more attractive than his wife and he has stated he enjoys sex with her.

 

I could be wrong though. Still, I would talk with him again. It’s not fair that your sex life should suck.

[Silvia García]

Why would you resign yourself to stay when it makes you unhappy?

 

Especially when he's been lying to you - you can't trust him.

 

Well at this point, I'm still assuming the best, not the worst. Like so many other people have mentioned, there's plenty of reasons to stay and make it work, besides our problems in the bedroom. I wouldn't want to stay if he is in fact, not in love with me anymore. Or if he's not attracted to me in that way anymore. But as long as he continues to deny it, I guess I won't really know and I'll wait for more proof of that before deciding to leave. I'm looking for ways to improve this situation, not weather or not I should leave because of it. I'm not too that point yet.

[Silvia García]

I do not think that having another child at the moment is a good idea, not until this is sorted out one way or another.

 

You didn't think he was into porn until you found out otherwise, so do not dismiss the idea that he may be cheating out of hand.

Do you actually know what he is doing on those long hours away?

Long working hours and little or no interest in sex at home can equal cheating... Maybe time to start investigating.

 

Being a single mother of 2 kids is one thing, a single mother of 3 is a whole other ballgame.

 

I have no interest in having another child. Only mentioned that because I'm assuming some of you might think the kids are the reason, well the baby, since the problem seems worse since we've had him... Yes, I know he's working, he gets picked up in the work truck and he works for the forestry, out in the woods, with only men. No chance to meet up with anyone, he's always home at the same time...

[Silvia García]

How long are the hours that we're talking about?

 

It's really hard to guess either way without further information. If we were talking close to 80 hrs/week, it sounds very reasonable that he wouldn't have the time or energy for sex too often (masturbation is MUCH lower effort than sex for most people), and perhaps the way forward for you would be to focus more on quality rather than quantity, "schedule" sex on a day that he isn't working and see if he puts more effort into it that way. On the other hand, if we're talking just 40 or something like that, it sounds more like a porn addiction or a mental issue/depression and might require professional help.

 

He works Monday- Saturday from 4:30 am to 5:30 pm. He has always complained of just being tired from work. Also lately he's been pretty unhappy, wanting a different job.

[Silvia García]

I think he’s either cheating or he isn’t attracted to you anymore.

 

I’m not trying to be mean but you are making all the effort. Even though you said your sex drive is more intense than his, and you gave suggestions and told you how he feels, he still didn’t change. Also, he lied about not watching porn but does it secretly. Why wouldn’t he want to watch it with his wife? You can look the same weight wise, etc but doesn’t mean he can’t lose attraction.

 

I know of a married man who has a side chick. He would never leave his wife as they been together since college. But he says he isn’t attracted to her anymore but still loves her. He said hey still have sex once in awhile. His side chick is younger and objectively more attractive than his wife and he has stated he enjoys sex with her.

 

I could be wrong though. Still, I would talk with him again. It’s not fair that your sex life should suck.

 

Yeah, I understand. We've tried talking again, it went better than usual. He says he's really just tired from work and has been getting stressed out over several things, more easily than normal. Also, he's nervous and embarrassed to be so open and adventurous with the sex stuff, as I am... He says he likes it when I take initiative and is just used to it.

[stillafool]

He was always reserved and pretty much left it all to me. But he did respond more appropriately to my advances.

 

I think he’s either cheating or he isn’t attracted to you anymore.

 

Given what you said above Silvia he has never pursued you sexually it is always you pursuing sex with him. Unfortnately I agree with BlueIvy. That he has never really been attracted and now that life has set in (kids and work stress) he has become less attracted. He may love you and want you as the mother of his kids but is not sexually turned on. This would be hard to live with.

[elaine567]

Also, he's nervous and embarrassed to be so open and adventurous with the sex stuff, as I am...

 

OK that may have been very believable if his phone wasn't full of "tons of" porn videos and websites...

[Silvia García]

Given what you said above Silvia he has never pursued you sexually it is always you pursuing sex with him. Unfortnately I agree with BlueIvy. That he has never really been attracted and now that life has set in (kids and work stress) he has become less attracted. He may love you and want you as the mother of his kids but is not sexually turned on. This would be hard to live with.

 

 

Yes, exactly. I'm hoping it's not that bad. I would not want to live like that, that would very hard and unpleasant.

[Silvia García]

OK that may have been very believable if his phone wasn't full of "tons of" porn videos and websites...

 

 

I disagree. What you like or would like to do, just interests in general, can be hard to share with someone else. I'm sure there's a lot of people who look at porn, or have some other "secret" that they prefer to keep to themselves. They would feel embarrassed if someone knew.

[Cullenbohannon]

He works Monday- Saturday from 4:30 am to 5:30 pm. He has always complained of just being tired from work. Also lately he's been pretty unhappy, wanting a different job.

 

13 hours a day and 6 days a week in Forestry? That is a wicked work schedule that would leave any man or woman a little less inclined.

 

That is not a minor statement. He may truly be tired. It is good money, but the price is to high. The job change should be addressed.

[Simple Logic]

The facts: Been married 9 years. We are both 34. Have a teenage child, and a toddler. He works, I do not. He's had a check up, testosterone is fine, but he does have diabetes, he's on medication. These issues started before the diagnosis and have been pretty much the same since. I have tried talking with him many, many times. He refuses to participate and ignores me and gets upset. His only answer to anything is, "I don't know or what do you want me to say?"

 

The situation: I feel we do not have sex often enough, there have been times 2-3 months have gone by. I'd say once a week is the most. Not only is it very infrequent, it's very boring. There's no enthusiasm on his part, no flirting or trying new or different things. If I say or do something playful, I get no response or something very lame, for lack of a better word. I have told him how much it bothers me and I have offered a lot of ideas on how to improve things.

 

My efforts: I have tried to share fantasies, ask about desires, dislikes, and just general sex talk. I bought and wore sexy lingerie. I've sent sexy texts and pics to him, of myself and also other women I think he would like (online/ famous, not anyone we actually know). I asked him to watch porn with me*, I am very fun and open, I offer to give him oral sex, I like all sorts of positions, I like to watch him masterbate, I give him massages, love notes... And plenty more.

 

His efforts: After we are in bed, he will ask "you tired?" Through out the day, no flirting. No, "I've been thinking about you, about what I want to do to you/ with you". He's never asked me to wear the lingerie, or to do anything in particular. In response to my texts, he just replies something like " Oh nice". When I asked him to watch porn with me, he said he's not into it, but would try if I really wanted to. We did, I enjoyed it, he didn't seem to, said he would rather not.*

 

*Related/ More recent issue: In regards to him saying he did not like to watch porn and that he's always told me he had little desire, low sex drive... I've never doubted this, just accepted it and tried to help improve it. However, about a year ago a very weird situation occurred. I asked to use his phone, mine was charging or got left in the car or something.

 

So I went over and got his, he asked why I wanted it, what was I doing, then sat next to me while I was on it, and seemed really irritated, and after just a few mins he said he needed to check something and pretty much just took it from me. That was weird behavior, and got me curious. So a while later, I checked the phone out, really with no idea what I was gonna find. Well In his history, going back for at least a year, porn searches at least 2-3 times a week. Tons of videos and websites.

 

Honestly, I wasn't really upset. I have no problem with watching porn. I do it on occasion. But, but... I still want to have sex with my husband. It's not right he's looking at porn, but not having sex with me. I'm confused, if he has low desire, why look at porn so much? Why refuse/ lie about it when I ask?

 

Yes, he knows I know. We've talked about it, well I tried. He will not admit it, to this day, denies it. What makes an even bigger issue. I'm not stupid. I know how phone and web history work. I can see the actual search terms he typed in, these are not pop ups that he just kept closing. It hurts me that he's in such denial and has no trust in me.

 

I'm seeking advice here, because he will not talk about it. I want to work on the problem and make things better.

 

Could just be he is afraid you will get pregnant.

[Silvia García]

13 hours a day and 6 days a week in Forestry? That is a wicked work schedule that would leave any man or woman a little less inclined.

 

That is not a minor statement. He may truly be tired. It is good money, but the price is to high. The job change should be addressed.

 

 

Thank you. Yes, I think he's working too much. Besides this particular issue, I would love more time with him, the kids would like more time with him... I can see how tired he is sometimes. He's been doing this job for 16 years. I know it's terrible hours. He often goes to bed by 8-9 pm, I try to get the baby to bed by then, but I usual don't get to bed until a couple hours later.