I cheated on my husband.

[DKT3]

I love that you use the word "reconciliation"

 

because after the inflicted pain, it will never be like it was from the beginning but both of you have chosen to try like it was....an absolute tribute that having a loving relationship is a choice, an action(not feeling), is forgiveness, some understanding, willingness, and recognizing that you cant control another, but accept that mistakes made are not a direct reflection how someone feels about you, but about themselves, which are their weaknesses.

 

I think in cases where the couple is successful in reconciliation have the Marriage you had pre affair isn't ideal. I mean that relationship led to an affair.

 

You never forget but you can have a BETTER relationship than before if everyone is honest and willing to as you say understand love is an action.

[staggerlee71]

I think in cases where the couple is successful in reconciliation have the Marriage you had pre affair isn't ideal. I mean that relationship led to an affair.

 

You never forget but you can have a BETTER relationship than before if everyone is honest and willing to as you say understand love is an action.

 

there is real truth in what you say. at the core, its growth, at the perceived expense of you. I am learning(middle aged), that a partners actions are a reflection of them, not you, even when they cut deep. nothing is cut and dry, black and white. a relationship is moving target, the variable is human nature. you feel this way, they don't. but tomorrow is a new day. they feel this way, you don't. here in lies the trying, the relationships take work. how many days in a year do you and your partner feel(not deeply but effectively) the same.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think in cases where the couple is successful in reconciliation have the Marriage you had pre affair isn't ideal. I mean that relationship led to an affair.

 

You never forget but you can have a BETTER relationship than before if everyone is honest and willing to as you say understand love is an action.

 

I think ...our marriage pre affair was magnificent ....and it had only become troublesome a few months before i cheated....we were not in sync...I really had no reason to cheat. I take all the blame...I accept the responsibility for my own state of mind...for my own behavior.

 

We had been married 11 years when i cheated...and I will be the first to tell you...we were happy...until I decided I was unhappy.

 

Your comment may be applicable to your relationship...but it isn't to ours.

 

sometimes...an individual becomes unhappy within themselves...and they fail to tell their partner. If I had told John I was unhappy...he would have moved heaven and earth to make me happy. But I didn't....instead...I cheated.

 

Yes...he should have kicked me to the curb...he did not...and we not only have survived...we are happier than we have ever been. Not because i deserved a second chance...but because he never gave up on me.

 

Broken relationships can be repaired...but only when both parties are willing to put in the time and effort to repair it. Few people are that committed.

 

A Relationship requires constant nurturing....and if one of the partners stops putting in the effort ...it likely will fail. This is true pre affair and during reconciliation. A good strong relationship is based on mutual love, respect and trust. In the beginning it is much easier ...after an affair...during reconciliation...much more difficult....

 

my message is this...the op of this thread has much to overcome....but can be successful if both parties are willing to put in the work. TRUE Reconciliation is impossible with only one party doing the work. You can co habitat...co exist...but to truly be reconciled...both people have to do the work.

 

John and i are reconciled...but we will always carry the scars of infidelity...

[Flamblu]

I dont know if the writers on daytime soaps could come up with a story like this. Holy Hell what a mess. Its best you go be with your ex and your soon to be exhusband can go be with his new flame 10 minutes away. You aint gonna leave ex again anyway or you would have done it already. All i can think of is your poor kid. Having to grow up in that. Yall separate and go be happy.

[Losingeverything]

What it where how or why doesn’t really matter anyway.

 

Did your husband have a EA or PA, does it really matter at this point. You never proved one way or another.

 

Your affair is on you and you alone. It has nothing to do with your husband texting the other woman.

 

You chose to contact your ex.

 

You chose to start something to hurt your husband back.

 

You chose to ......... your ex.

 

You are choosing to stay in contact with your ex.

 

This is on you. You made this mess yourself so have fun. Hope it was worth destroying your daughters childhood.

 

 

 

I agree with you on the affair being completely my fault. And while I welcome and truly appreciate any helpful advice there is to be given, I have to say that there is no way you could have read my complete post. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and I realize that this is a mess I have made. My own personal hell actually. I agree that whether he had an EM or PA does not even matter at this point. I do not feel that we have destroyed our daughters childhood. I think it is fair to say that I resent that remark. I am simply requesting advice on how to proceed with everything and trying to figure out my own feelings in this difficult time.

[DKT3]

I agree with you on the affair being completely my fault. And while I welcome and truly appreciate any helpful advice there is to be given, I have to say that there is no way you could have read my complete post. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and I realize that this is a mess I have made. My own personal hell actually. I agree that whether he had an EM or PA does not even matter at this point. I do not feel that we have destroyed our daughters childhood. I think it is fair to say that I resent that remark. I am simply requesting advice on how to proceed with everything and trying to figure out my own feelings in this difficult time.

 

It may not be what you want to hear, but the truth is your actions (along with your husband s) will absolutely have a very negative Impact on your child's life, in childhood and beyond.

[Losingeverything]

Your marriage seems to be effectively over. He did something incredible stupid and hurtful and then you went and escalated that by several magnitudes.

 

Some people are escalating his actions, simply assuming he did the same or worse to justify yours. Which given that the same people tend to deny any infidelity in other threads till the last moment depending on the genders of the involved I wouldn't buy into.

 

Then again, it doesn't matter. The damage is done and from past behaviour it seems to be an escalation in terms of how bad things are. So both of you might want to end this now, before it gets worse.

 

 

From what I understood, she feels he might have had a point in her behaviour towards him. Ultimatively he still made the decisions leading up to it and decided to resolve it in this manner which puts the blame for having an EA squarely on him.

 

Then again, following that same logic. The PA and getting in contact with her ex is entirely on her. Yet many people are using his actions as a justification for hers, including exaggerating them, no?

 

 

 

I do also feel like I am using his actions to justify my own. That is part of why I am so confused. When we try to talk about it he feels that I always turn things around on him. And when I sit and think about it, I think I do. I do believe him that he did not sleep with this woman. Another reason why I am so torn about the whole thing. Why do I even feel like it was such a big deal to go and sleep with another man? Why am I trying to find justification for my actions when I know there is no justification. I did it. By myself. I believe we both are to blame in the whole ordeal. Maybe I should say for the beginning of the ordeal. I can't figure out where we went wrong to begin with. The first 10 years were great. And then bam everything went to **** in a handbag I honestly don't know if I want to continue with the marriage. Does that in itself mean that we should no longer try? Or is it just me trying to sort through my emotions? It's so difficult.

[usa1ah]

I agree with you on the affair being completely my fault. And while I welcome and truly appreciate any helpful advice there is to be given, I have to say that there is no way you could have read my complete post. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and I realize that this is a mess I have made. My own personal hell actually. I agree that whether he had an EM or PA does not even matter at this point. I do not feel that we have destroyed our daughters childhood. I think it is fair to say that I resent that remark. I am simply requesting advice on how to proceed with everything and trying to figure out my own feelings in this difficult time.

 

Does she see you two fighting at times?

 

Does she know what is going on?

 

Are you still cheating knowing what the consequences are?

 

If so then you have screwed her childhood up. My mom cheated on my dad when I was a little younger then your girl. I know from experience.

 

But I do hope you can make it easier on her by showing she is loved no matter what.

[Losingeverything]

Does she see you two fighting at times?

 

Does she know what is going on?

 

Are you still cheating knowing what the consequences are?

 

If so then you have screwed her childhood up. My mom cheated on my dad when I was a little younger then your girl. I know from experience.

 

But I do hope you can make it easier on her by showing she is loved no matter what.

 

 

 

Yes, she sees us fighting frequently unfortunately. She knows that I made a huge mistake and have hurt my husbands feelings badly. I explained this to her and that we are having a very difficult time but we are working to make things better. I also explained to her that we would without a doubt have arguments but that they have nothing to do with her or the way either of us feel about her. We both sat down with her and made sure she understood that part. I have not physically seen the other man since my husband found out, however, I do speak to him occasionally and yes I do know the consequences. Part of why I don't understand why I still feel the need to talk to the other man.....

[Cephalopod]

I agree with you on the affair being completely my fault. And while I welcome and truly appreciate any helpful advice there is to be given, I have to say that there is no way you could have read my complete post. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and I realize that this is a mess I have made. My own personal hell actually. I agree that whether he had an EM or PA does not even matter at this point. I do not feel that we have destroyed our daughters childhood. I think it is fair to say that I resent that remark. I am simply requesting advice on how to proceed with everything and trying to figure out my own feelings in this difficult time.

 

 

 

Your assertions are hitting deaf ears because you are still in the affair. You may not be sleeping with the guy but you are still feeding off him.

 

 

Either get yourself out of your infidelity or do not. You can only control what you do, and right now you are living a lie and setting a poor example for your daughter. You cannot control what your husband does. Stop waiting around for him to make changes. What he does or does not do has no bearing on the fact that you are still living an unauthentic life.

[kgcolonel]

I do also feel like I am using his actions to justify my own. That is part of why I am so confused. When we try to talk about it he feels that I always turn things around on him. And when I sit and think about it, I think I do. I do believe him that he did not sleep with this woman. Another reason why I am so torn about the whole thing. Why do I even feel like it was such a big deal to go and sleep with another man? Why am I trying to find justification for my actions when I know there is no justification. I did it. By myself. I believe we both are to blame in the whole ordeal. Maybe I should say for the beginning of the ordeal. I can't figure out where we went wrong to begin with. The first 10 years were great. And then bam everything went to **** in a handbag I honestly don't know if I want to continue with the marriage. Does that in itself mean that we should no longer try? Or is it just me trying to sort through my emotions? It's so difficult.

 

I hope you don't mind my chiming in here....I would like to suggest separating the two situations...but first and it has to be this way, you cannot and will not move forward toward repairing your M if you can't do it honestly and without secrets. You MUST COMPLETELY DISCONNECT FROM THE OM. If you continue to speak to the OM, you are trying to learn to ride a bike and claim that you're trying to learn to ride that bike but all the time, you have the training wheels on the bike. So no matter how good it looks respective to the repairing the M, you've still got the OM in the wings as a safety net. If you're truly committed to the M, you have to truly commit. Let the OM go, NC is the only way this will work.

 

Secondly, without discussing what you did, discuss what he has done. Do it in a way that doesn't accuse but try to learn from what was going on with him. Ask him the following:

 

What satisfaction or benefit did you get from texting the OW?

How did it make you feel?

Is there something I wasn't giving you that she did that opened this door?

 

You get the idea, during this conversation, there should be no discussion of what you did. That is a separate topic as you both need to OWN YOUR OWN INDISCRETIONS.

 

At a later time allow him to ask the same types of questions of you. Spend some time thinking about it and after each question, tell the other what you particularly like about the other, i.e. I like the way you make sure i have my coffee the first thing in the morning etc....

 

Again, there should be done in a learning mode, not an accusing mode as you are each OWNING WHAT YOU DID. You chose to sleep with and betray your husband...tell him, that this defines you not him. The same goes for him in that what he did defined him, not you.

 

When you each have heard what the experience made you feel, then you can decide, do we have something to save or not.

 

At least you each will be doing this as mature adults and not irrational emotional finger pointing people who can't be honest with the one person that they should be closer to than anyone one else.

[usa1ah]

Yes, she sees us fighting frequently unfortunately. She knows that I made a huge mistake and have hurt my husbands feelings badly. I explained this to her and that we are having a very difficult time but we are working to make things better. I also explained to her that we would without a doubt have arguments but that they have nothing to do with her or the way either of us feel about her. We both sat down with her and made sure she understood that part. I have not physically seen the other man since my husband found out, however, I do speak to him occasionally and yes I do know the consequences. Part of why I don't understand why I still feel the need to talk to the other man.....

 

I don’t know what you are wanting. If it’s too save your marriage, this has to stop.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, after reading through most of this thread I have to say that I stand by my previous post. There is no saving this marriage. Too much water has flowed under the bridge. You have two people who have actively cheated on each other and produced a toxic cloud of atmosphere in their home of which their poor daughter is the unwitting victim. The poor girl is going to grow up with a skewed sense of reality and unless a miracle happens, will be maladjusted adult who will have unhealthy relationships in her life for which she can thank her parents. There is a slim chance that things can be rectified if the two so called adults in this unholy mix decide to part ways and parent her separately. She may then still come through uncathed. However, the ball is very m7ch in their court. Best wishes.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I am so worried about this child. Is the OP starting to show narcissism and maybe some limerence? But why go to posting all this out? Looking for validation in her behavior or to man shame the husband so she doesn't have too? And just sitting the child down on the lap and "explaining" the situation doesn't mean a thing. This child is like a sponge and is absorbing all and everything in the environment. Wait till the school calls with disruptive behavior and abnormal development. Nice one.

After 3 pages of this train wreck, I have yet to hear wanting the relationship back with the husband and willing to call a truce. I have yet to hear genuine concern for the child and family dynamic. If you are not going to stop the affair, why not just give us the juicy details and make this a novella for us to enjoy. Not the sad detonation of a family and individuals...

[harrybrown]

have you stopped texting and all other contact with the OM?

 

If not, you are still in your A!

 

Have you started protecting your marriage, your family and your H?

 

Has he stopped all contact with the OW?

 

you will have sex with the OM, but not your H?

 

you might as well file for D.

 

You gave away what was precious to someone that is attacking your daughter, but will not have sex with your H?

 

The OM is only there for sex. and he will try to have sex with your daughter if he is ever around her. this happened to my friend. His wife had an A.

 

she replaced him with the OM. The OM had sex with their daughter. Many times and she was underage.

 

Protect your daughter. Stop the contact with the OM. He is scum inside.

 

Have you and your husband exposed the affairs to the SO of your APs?

 

You should do that to stop protecting the OM and the OW.

 

Maybe you did not read about the OM that killed his AP's husband with several gunshots, but got off, because it as self defense.

 

And if you had the OM ever in your house, he is way too close to your daughter.

 

Hope you and your H wake up.

[DKT3]

I am so worried about this child. Is the OP starting to show narcissism and maybe some limerence? But why go to posting all this out? Looking for validation in her behavior or to man shame the husband so she doesn't have too? And just sitting the child down on the lap and "explaining" the situation doesn't mean a thing. This child is like a sponge and is absorbing all and everything in the environment. Wait till the school calls with disruptive behavior and abnormal development. Nice one.

After 3 pages of this train wreck, I have yet to hear wanting the relationship back with the husband and willing to call a truce. I have yet to hear genuine concern for the child and family dynamic. If you are not going to stop the affair, why not just give us the juicy details and make this a novella for us to enjoy. Not the sad detonation of a family and individuals...

 

From time to time we get a thread starter who seems to be proud of what they are doing and really just seems to be gloating or looking to humiliate Thier spouse. We had one who went on page after page about how he provided so much for his wife and OW, how neither could live without him and so on.

 

I'm not sure that is the case here, I think this OP is genuinely confused, but at the same time somewhat proud that she is involved with this other man.

 

It would still concerning that she seems to be involved the child in an almost step by step. How to handle children when affairs happen is a tricky situation, what to tell, how much to tell and so on.

 

Bottom line is, she does seem to get some type of encouragement from her interaction here, not sure if it's to help or ego tripping.

[Losingeverything]

Your assertions are hitting deaf ears because you are still in the affair. You may not be sleeping with the guy but you are still feeding off him.

 

 

Either get yourself out of your infidelity or do not. You can only control what you do, and right now you are living a lie and setting a poor example for your daughter. You cannot control what your husband does. Stop waiting around for him to make changes. What he does or does not do has no bearing on the fact that you are still living an unauthentic life.

 

 

 

Thank you, this response hits home for me!

[Losingeverything]

I hope you don't mind my chiming in here....I would like to suggest separating the two situations...but first and it has to be this way, you cannot and will not move forward toward repairing your M if you can't do it honestly and without secrets. You MUST COMPLETELY DISCONNECT FROM THE OM. If you continue to speak to the OM, you are trying to learn to ride a bike and claim that you're trying to learn to ride that bike but all the time, you have the training wheels on the bike. So no matter how good it looks respective to the repairing the M, you've still got the OM in the wings as a safety net. If you're truly committed to the M, you have to truly commit. Let the OM go, NC is the only way this will work.

 

Secondly, without discussing what you did, discuss what he has done. Do it in a way that doesn't accuse but try to learn from what was going on with him. Ask him the following:

 

What satisfaction or benefit did you get from texting the OW?

How did it make you feel?

Is there something I wasn't giving you that she did that opened this door?

 

You get the idea, during this conversation, there should be no discussion of what you did. That is a separate topic as you both need to OWN YOUR OWN INDISCRETIONS.

 

At a later time allow him to ask the same types of questions of you. Spend some time thinking about it and after each question, tell the other what you particularly like about the other, i.e. I like the way you make sure i have my coffee the first thing in the morning etc....

 

Again, there should be done in a learning mode, not an accusing mode as you are each OWNING WHAT YOU DID. You chose to sleep with and betray your husband...tell him, that this defines you not him. The same goes for him in that what he did defined him, not you.

 

When you each have heard what the experience made you feel, then you can decide, do we have something to save or not.

 

At least you each will be doing this as mature adults and not irrational emotional finger pointing people who can't be honest with the one person that they should be closer to than anyone one else.

 

 

 

THANK YOU!! I love the idea of this and will definitely see if I can get my husband on board to give it a try.

[Losingeverything]

From time to time we get a thread starter who seems to be proud of what they are doing and really just seems to be gloating or looking to humiliate Thier spouse. We had one who went on page after page about how he provided so much for his wife and OW, how neither could live without him and so on.

 

I'm not sure that is the case here, I think this OP is genuinely confused, but at the same time somewhat proud that she is involved with this other man.

 

It would still concerning that she seems to be involved the child in an almost step by step. How to handle children when affairs happen is a tricky situation, what to tell, how much to tell and so on.

 

Bottom line is, she does seem to get some type of encouragement from her interaction here, not sure if it's to help or ego tripping.

 

 

 

I am not sure how to respond to these two replies to my post. I am definitely not proud of what my life has become and I am NOT trying to humiliate my husband. If that were the case, why would I not "gloat" about it to our friends? What sense would it make for me to anonymously post on this site seeking advice from people who do not know me or my husband from Adam? That being said, I am genuinely confused but I feel as though reading some of the responses have been really helpful. I do feel like things are getting better between my husband and I. Not saying that every moment isn't a struggle for us right now but I do feel as there is hope. All contact has been ceased with the other man. I have finally got my husband to understand that arguing in front of her is doing nothing but hurting her. I believe that may have been what was causing a lot of my indecisiveness. I hated speaking about any of it in front of her much less argue in front of her and I felt that the only way to keep from it would have been for one of us to leave... but I do truly love my husband and always have and was not ready to give up on him, on us, on our family. We will continue to work through this as long as he is also willing.

 

 

I sincerely appreciate all of the feed back on this post!

[BarbedFenceRider]

Finding time without "prying ears" is tricky to say the least. Get a babysitter or grandparents to step in. Then you need zero distractions and somewhere quiet where you can take turns airing it all out. Come up with a plan that both sides agree to and remind yourselves why you were together in the first place. Then, stick to it. If it means you camp out in front of the therapist's office, so be it. You have to be in 100 percent. No more "I", and no more "him". It has to be we and us. There is some really great reads here in LS that is listed. And some good videos to boot. When you get more accustomed to the terms and labels, it is easier to communicate with your H.

[Cephalopod]

YOu two need a really good therapist, and not one of these New Age kumbaya 'do what makes you feel good" half-assed therapists who is only going to tell you what you want to hear.

 

 

Find a good therapist who is tough, pro-marriage and who will hold you and your husband accountable for your b.s., someone who will make the two of you work your issues and who doesn't accept excuses or blame shifting.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure how to respond to these two replies to my post. I am definitely not proud of what my life has become and I am NOT trying to humiliate my husband. If that were the case, why would I not "gloat" about it to our friends? What sense would it make for me to anonymously post on this site seeking advice from people who do not know me or my husband from Adam? That being said, I am genuinely confused but I feel as though reading some of the responses have been really helpful. I do feel like things are getting better between my husband and I. Not saying that every moment isn't a struggle for us right now but I do feel as there is hope. All contact has been ceased with the other man. I have finally got my husband to understand that arguing in front of her is doing nothing but hurting her. I believe that may have been what was causing a lot of my indecisiveness. I hated speaking about any of it in front of her much less argue in front of her and I felt that the only way to keep from it would have been for one of us to leave... but I do truly love my husband and always have and was not ready to give up on him, on us, on our family. We will continue to work through this as long as he is also willing.

 

I sincerely appreciate all of the feed back on this post!

 

OK, let's say that you have really cut... with your OM. And the reason that I am saying it that way, is this. What are you going to do the next time that he contacts you?

 

You just ended your affair. Are you strong enough to resist your OM the next time that he reached out? Frankly, I kind of doubt it.

 

These are the things that you have to think about.

 

Also, why have you not answered/elaborated on some of the thing you have been asked. Further, do you really think your OM actually loved you like most women do? Cause I got news for you, he does not.

 

And what about the fact the your husband has been lying to you all this time about the extent of he involvement with his other woman? Because for both of you, that needs to be talked about truthfully.

 

And frankly, he is a creep for putting you through what he has been, while lying to you that his was only an 'emotional affair". That is actually kind of a pathological type of behavior. Kind of a big red flag for the relationship if you can understand that.

 

And, spare me the drama, but think about this before you answer, do you really love your husband? Not love him because you have a child with him.

 

I am asking if he still, or ever, makes your toes curl when he is making love to you? Because if that is not happening, I don't know, sounds more like a FWB thing than a marriage.

 

And look, I am not trying to be harsh in any way, but he had an affair, and you guys rug swept that, you have an affair, and monkey sex, and then continue the affair...

 

I mean, what is really left for you two. He is a lying creep, you are a wayward wife that until the last couple of days was still in an affair with your OM/Ex, and you still don't know what you will do when he contacts your again and he will.

 

So really, what is left, and please don't say you have a child. If you divorce she will still be able to thrive if you guys get your S*** together.

 

So what is it that you want to save???

[usa1ah]

I am not sure how to respond to these two replies to my post. I am definitely not proud of what my life has become and I am NOT trying to humiliate my husband. If that were the case, why would I not "gloat" about it to our friends? What sense would it make for me to anonymously post on this site seeking advice from people who do not know me or my husband from Adam? That being said, I am genuinely confused but I feel as though reading some of the responses have been really helpful. I do feel like things are getting better between my husband and I. Not saying that every moment isn't a struggle for us right now but I do feel as there is hope. All contact has been ceased with the other man. I have finally got my husband to understand that arguing in front of her is doing nothing but hurting her. I believe that may have been what was causing a lot of my indecisiveness. I hated speaking about any of it in front of her much less argue in front of her and I felt that the only way to keep from it would have been for one of us to leave... but I do truly love my husband and always have and was not ready to give up on him, on us, on our family. We will continue to work through this as long as he is also willing.

 

 

I sincerely appreciate all of the feed back on this post!

 

A husband will automatically feel humiliated by a wife’s infidelity. It strikes right at the core of our manhood. That is why your husband is bouncing from one extreme to another with his emotions and attitude.

 

Trust me on this one, your OW is talking........about your husband to his close friends.

Edited November 14, 2017 by usa1ah

[Chi townD]

Okay, hard truth? You don't have a marriage. The trust is absolutely shattered. Although, I think you've taken your affair a lot farther that he did. Whether that was out of revenge or whatever....but, why I said what I said is because, now you are emotionally involved with this other guy. And I also read that you have taken full responsibility of your actions...well, ya kinda didn't or else it wouldn't have happened a second time. So, the question is, when things start to go bad again, are you going to run to the other guy?

 

And your husband wanting you to perform sex acts all the time thinking that it's owed him? Here's something that's going to rock your world, that's normal. It's an actual thing call hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious animalistic and primal response to "reclaim" what he believe is his. Hell, he might not even be aware of the frequency of his requests. Do not take it personal. But, if you want to save your marriage, DO NOT REJECT HIM EITHER! Only going to cause more problems.

 

To be completely honest....you need to get to marriage counseling. BUT! Do your research. Find a counselor that specializes in infidelity. Do not open the phone book and find your run-of-the-mill counselor (I like to call them Oprah/ Dr. Phil Counselors). They make it about what YOU did or didn't do to cause your husband to cheat on you and vice versa. The fact is, there was problems in this marriage and you can be blamed for 50% of those problems and he can own up to the other 50% but you cheating on each other is 100% on each of you. And a Counselor that specializes is going to make you own up to your own sh*t.

 

You may also need to see a sex therapist. Seems that the lines are blurred between love and intimacy and what is lust. You both need to learn that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy and the best way to communicate with your partner on an intimate level. For two people that love each other, it's not about getting your rocks off.

 

Bottomline? You need professional help and something more than what you can find on an online advice forum. We're good, but there's way too much damage here. So, if you want to save your marriage, talk to him about Counseling. If he doesn't want it, then you might have to start thinking of a life apart.

[Colin Grant]

I don't know what the percentages are, but the affair has killed or permanently affected the marriage. If the latter, you have to except your husband's image of you having sex with another man will stay embedded in his mind forever and will trigger negative thoughts.

 

Even if kept to himself, it'll be a permanent sore spot that you will have to deal with. Vice versa also though, your husband's EA may stay with you. I'm a man, so I don't know how females think here. But for many, if not for the majority of men, the sex is a deal breaker.

Edited November 15, 2017 by Colin Grant