Just found out my gf of almost 4 years wants to sleep with her boss

[BluesPower]

Thanks, i should probably mention her boss is married and has 2 kids his youngest was only born last week... i know she hasnt done anything physical, but even if shes been having an EA it still feels like a total betrayal. I'll be speaking to her in about half an hour so hopefully i can figure out whats going on. We are in a very serious relationship, Ive been racking my brain trying to figure out what she could be lacking in our relationship, or what i'm lacking i should say and ive come up with nothing. Not trying to say im the perfect boyfriend, but im pretty sure im one of the better ones.

 

Shes confided in her boss a lot over the last couple of months and kind of blanked me some nights and that to me says shes choosing him over me for emotional support. She cant really run off into the sunset with him because of his situation, but im not even sure if thats what she wants. It needs to get dealt with either way, i havent slept a wink and my stomachs been churning all day with worry.

 

Robbie, Brother you have no idea what she has done... at all.

 

You don't know if they are sleeping together or not. And it does not matter if he is married it is called an affair when one or both of the people are in a relationship...THAT IS WHY THEY CALL IT AN AFFAIR.

 

I know that you don't want to think that she would do that, but you seriously need to wake up.

 

And when you talk to her, you need to take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt. That means you don't believe her at all. Cheaters lie, and lie, and lie.

 

Before you have the talk, take her phone away from her and ask for the PW. There should be no secrets between people in a serious relationship. You don't want her to delete the texts between him and her. That will probably tell you what you want to know.

 

I know you are freaked out but you are already making all the mistakes that people make in these situations.

 

SHE IS HAVING and emotional affair with him for sure. The only question is has she slept with him yet. I am actually guessing that she has because of the guilt that any sane person would have from cheating. That would be the reason that she looked up suicide.

 

 

And if you find out she did, you need to break up with her and move on.

 

You really need to rethink your whole process here, and start by assuming that she is sleeping with him and go from there...

[lolablue17]

If however she truly wants to pursue a relationship with her boss, tell her you would rather know and end things now instead of having her cheat on you.

 

Spot on!

 

If we are inside the Disney channel where everybody are so honest, always tell the truth, and if you catch them, it's always a small mistake that will never happen again.

 

When people get caught with anything, the feel horrible. I would count on her judgment at that moment. That's why you should first prepare yourself to the situation. (I wrote a full comment on the other forum you published)

[Robbierob]

Spot on!

 

If we are inside the Disney channel where everybody are so honest, always tell the truth, and if you catch them, it's always a small mistake that will never happen again.

 

When people get caught with anything, the feel horrible. I would count on her judgment at that moment. That's why you should first prepare yourself to the situation. (I wrote a full comment on the other forum you published)

 

I read her chat logs with her boss last night it was all completely work related... she always tells me if someone has crossed the line in regards flirting, or if someones asked for her number, even when all this started she was completely open about her boss and his advances... but now all of a sudden hes "the only person she can confide in" he gives her preferential treatment at work as well. I know he fancies her, im just hoping she feels lost i suppose. To be honest this whole situation has just torn me apart. I was about to start planning a proposal... anyway wish me luck

[lolablue17]

I read her chat logs with her boss last night it was all completely work related... she always tells me if someone has crossed the line in regards flirting, or if someones asked for her number, even when all this started she was completely open about her boss and his advances... but now all of a sudden hes "the only person she can confide in" he gives her preferential treatment at work as well. I know he fancies her, im just hoping she feels lost i suppose. To be honest this whole situation has just torn me apart. I was about to start planning a proposal... anyway wish me luck

 

I'm copying my comment on the other thread to here:

 

I suggest that befor you confront her, try to be prepared and think what do you want to do next. Suppose she admits that she desires her boss even not with these specific words, she's sorry and want o fix things.

 

Do you agree? Do you demand her to quit her job and keep NC with him? Do you demand to see her phone messages apps logs? What if she refuses to hand you her phone?

 

You don't have to decide everything before you talk to her, but you should at least be in an advanced mode of controlling your options.

[standtall]

I think your need to look for a new wife. She is apparently not in love with you anymore, if she doesn't sleep with this guy, it will be somebody else because she is looking for something that you are not giving her.

[Maraud3r]

I find the reactions baffling, his girlfriend of four years seems to want to sleep with her boss and that's his fault? Seriously, get out of her with that nonsense. People of both genders cheat for a whole bunch of reasons and in the vast mayority of cases it's not the fault of the person who has been cheated on.

 

If she has issues and problems, which is something that is far from certain and is just being trotted out as an excuse it would be on her to talk about this and try to find a solution.

 

You say you have been with this lady for almost four years, you love her and you two have a great relationship, but has there been any discussion of marriage? Have you proposed? She may be wondering where this relationship and her life is going. You may be comfortable with this relationship, but is she? You might want to bring up this issue when you talk with her.

Grand idea. She is actively googling about sleepinging with her boss amongst other things and the reaction you propose is to take the relationship to the next level.

 

If she had a problem with these things after just four years, it would be on her to bring them up and try to discuss them. Rather than possibly start pursuing a career.

 

suicide search makes it look like its about to go physical and she's having a hard time with the guilt.

Given that the "want to sleep with boss" seems to have come before. There is a chance that she has already gone physical and now has problems coping with it. Either way it makes the advice to sit down with her and talk about their relationship, possibly taking it to the next level that seems to be the overwhelming reaction here a tad absurd.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Maraud3r

[Southern Sun]

Thanks, i should probably mention her boss is married and has 2 kids his youngest was only born last week... i know she hasnt done anything physical, but even if shes been having an EA it still feels like a total betrayal. I'll be speaking to her in about half an hour so hopefully i can figure out whats going on. We are in a very serious relationship, Ive been racking my brain trying to figure out what she could be lacking in our relationship, or what i'm lacking i should say and ive come up with nothing. Not trying to say im the perfect boyfriend, but im pretty sure im one of the better ones.

 

Shes confided in her boss a lot over the last couple of months and kind of blanked me some nights and that to me says shes choosing him over me for emotional support. She cant really run off into the sunset with him because of his situation, but im not even sure if thats what she wants. It needs to get dealt with either way, i havent slept a wink and my stomachs been churning all day with worry.

 

I read her chat logs with her boss last night it was all completely work related... she always tells me if someone has crossed the line in regards flirting, or if someones asked for her number, even when all this started she was completely open about her boss and his advances... but now all of a sudden hes "the only person she can confide in" he gives her preferential treatment at work as well. I know he fancies her, im just hoping she feels lost i suppose. To be honest this whole situation has just torn me apart. I was about to start planning a proposal... anyway wish me luck

 

Well, this is good news that you didn't find anything there.

 

Please don't totally freak out yet. It's easy to hear this rush to condemn her on LS and want to go berserk and walk away.

 

Without evidence of even any flirty talk (unless you find something else), it almost sounds like she's built something up in her head. Sure, that still doesn't feel good for you. I get it. It wouldn't feel good if it was the other way around for her. But when a woman spends a lot of time with another man, she looks up to him as a boss/mentor, she begins to rely on him emotionally, AND she finds him attractive, that is a very dangerous combination.

 

If this is basically a one-sided, unrequited attraction, she sounds very conflicted. She is essentially limerent towards her boss, knows how terrible it is, and is considering ending her life over it. That is quite serious. It actually creates a lot of pain and anxiety for a person, even though I know that you are now in pain also.

 

Of course, there could be more going on. Him being married with a new baby unfortunately means nothing. Affairs happen all the time: just married, new babies, kids graduating, special times, nothing times.

 

But based on what I'm hearing...I'm concerned about her state of mind more than anything.

 

If nothing major has happened, and she wants help...you guys should formulate a plan for her to get a new job ASAP. No contact ever again with the boss. Counseling for her and perhaps some CC for you both, so you can feel safe. This really does seem to be something going on inside her and she needs help, not an attack and swift dumping.

 

Unless we don't have all the info.

[doyathinkso]

Yeah I think so too... never thought we wouldd be in this position though, everythings been great, genuinely the best relationship ive ever had by miles. I dont get it...

 

 

Hmmm. I guess you've just had a lot of really really crappy relationships then.

[darkmoon]

not sure how much blame is on the OP if they have been together for four years, OP must have been doing a lot that is right

[WilyWill]

If you had a marriage proposal clock counting down in your head, now is the time to reset it back to the start. Personally, I would dump her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Robbie, sometimes people are so lucky to be afforded an epiphany like yours where they are yet to commit to a relationship, whether romantic, business, social or other and have the chance to take an informed call on it. You have been given such an epiphany. Do not squander it. Now is the time to sit your GF down and explain to her that you cannot play second fiddle in her life and that although you love her dearly, you are setting her free precisely because you love her and do not want to hold her back from achieving her destiny. Having had that discussion with her, just leave and do not get caught up in any secondary discussions with her.

 

The fact is that if she was really invested in you she would not be having thoughts of other men. Just that one fact should be the decider for you. If, at this stage she is entertaining thoughts of other men what will she ne doing five, six or ten years after marriage when the problems of married life rear their ugly head? Anyone who displays this kind of behaviour is an escapist, not ready for the rough and tumble of married life and not equipped to deal with difficult problems and situations. Be wise is all I can say. Warm wishes.

[usa1ah]

Sorry for the rush to call it what it is. AFU

 

The two of you aren’t even married yet and she is wanting to sleep with a married man. She is pulling away from you. This should still be the honeymoon phase of your relationship and she is wanting another man.

 

Pull the plug and let this ship sink.

[Guildford]

I did not suggest that he should propose at this time, but I find it strange that he would be dating the woman for "almost four years" in a great relationship and not married. Most women see themselves ending up with a husband and children, and if they feel that they have met the husband but there is no mention of marriage after a couple of years, she is likely to wonder where the relationship is going and if she is wasting her time.

 

I believe that if a man is dating a woman for a year (maybe two), he should decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. If he does, he should either propose of else ask her if she wants to continue indefinitely without marriage; otherwise he should cut her loose. I believe it is morally wrong to continue dating a woman simply because you enjoy her company but have no intention of making a lifetime commitment.

[S2B]

You haven't done anything wrong in the relationship - SHE is pursuing another man who's married.

 

Her interest lies elsewhere - your relationship is done.

 

Since she's focused on him - you need to take your self respect and exit the relationship pronto.

 

No begging. No being understanding. She's planning to cheat on you.

 

She's flawed. I hope you end it and don't think for another minute about marrying her!

 

 

Her coworkers aren't nice to her because they know she's flirting with the boss who's married! That's just low of your GF to try and blame others for her bad behavior!

[sandylee1]

I partially agree with the previous poster... 4 years together. Where's it heading to?

[elaine567]

I did not suggest that he should propose at this time, but I find it strange that he would be dating the woman for "almost four years" in a great relationship and not married. Most women see themselves ending up with a husband and children, and if they feel that they have met the husband but there is no mention of marriage after a couple of years, she is likely to wonder where the relationship is going and if she is wasting her time.

 

I believe that if a man is dating a woman for a year (maybe two), he should decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. If he does, he should either propose of else ask her if she wants to continue indefinitely without marriage; otherwise he should cut her loose. I believe it is morally wrong to continue dating a woman simply because you enjoy her company but have no intention of making a lifetime commitment.

 

Yes, that is a good point.

No offer of commitment on the table, other man makes his intentions known, she may sees "potential" or she may just see a way out (with support)...

All very well to bash her for not being "marriage material", but the fact she does consider herself "marriage material" may be the very reason she may be thinking of moving on and away from the OP...

[darkmoon]

but the boss is married, she is being a side-piece only

[elaine567]

but the boss is married, she is being a side-piece only

Yes but it may be the "support" she needs to get out.

Many women cheat as their core relationship is unhappy, going nowhere, is boring maybe, and they sometimes realise they need the support of a third party to give them the courage to finally leave.

The "exit" affair may be "the love of her life" or just some convenient man to lean on whilst she transitions from attached to single.

 

We don't actually know where this woman's head is at, all we know really is her internet searches and those may or may not be anything to do with her mindset in reality. Her friend may want to sleep with her boss so she is looking for insight or someone she knew committed suicide, who knows?

I guess we all search for things that if someone snooped they would draw conclusions, but those conclusions may be very far off the mark, or they may be dead right, but it would be difficult for an "outsider" to differentiate the two.

[darkmoon]

Yes but it may be the "support" she needs to get out.

Many women cheat as their core relationship is unhappy, going nowhere, is boring maybe, and they sometimes realise they need the support of a third party to give them the courage to finally leave.

The "exit" affair may be "the love of her life" or just some convenient man to lean on whilst she transitions from attached to single.

 

We don't actually know where this woman's head is at, all we know really is her internet searches and those may or may not be anything to do with her mindset in reality. Her friend may want to sleep with her boss so she is looking for insight or someone she knew committed suicide, who knows?

I guess we all search for things that if someone snooped they would draw conclusions, but those conclusions may be very far off the mark, or they may be dead right, but it would be difficult for an "outsider" to differentiate the two.

 

"support" does not mean willfully planning an affair with an MM boss, no sex needed is in support, women constantly support each other with no sex involved. She is a culprit not a victim. And she could have gone for a man lower down the ranks, a single one.

Edited November 10, 2017 by darkmoon

[elaine567]

"support" does not mean willfully planning an affair with an MM boss, no sex needed is in support, women constantly support each other with no sex involved. She is a culprit not a victim. See, she could have gone for a man lower down the ranks, a single one.

 

I never said she was a victim.

There is no proof as yet that she is sleeping with him or planning anything IRL.

Plenty "fantasies" are played out on the internet and stay there.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hypergamy. You are the secure home body that was easy to get established. Now she has a HUGE alpha male in her sights. He's married, doesn't matter. He has a newborn, doesn't matter. In the primitive thought, she is looking at "mating capability for higher status and resources". If you planned on keeping this woman, you need to be the bigger alpha. What is the money situation like. Do you do pretty good for yourself? Have a non emotional talk about her feelings and your wants and plans for future. If she is wishy washy about it....YOU have your answer. She is in the jumping ship mode. Thank heavens you are not married. If she wants to keep this relationship with you. You need to have her EARN it. Go cold. Don't react to comments or her demands. You need to play the alpha now. Plenty of online relationship coaches show how to do this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, from what I can see the OP's GF is an adult and if she has reservations about whether the OP plans to marry her or not, she could as well sit him down and have a serious discussion about their future plans. She does not have to cheat with her boss to send a message to the OP. If anything, it just goes to show that she is not a reliable partner and OP would do well to rid himself of her. However, before he does that he has to sit her down and have that serious 'talk' before taking the next step. It is the minimum he owes her after having been with her for four years. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

I read her chat logs with her boss last night it was all completely work related... she always tells me if someone has crossed the line in regards flirting, or if someones asked for her number, even when all this started she was completely open about her boss and his advances... but now all of a sudden hes "the only person she can confide in" he gives her preferential treatment at work as well. I know he fancies her, im just hoping she feels lost i suppose. To be honest this whole situation has just torn me apart. I was about to start planning a proposal... anyway wish me luck

No, luck has nothing to do with it.

 

My personal opinion is that, if you have read much of this forum, you will understand some of the patterns in infidelity with limerence like this (and while we're on it, look that up: limerence). What I see here is - regardless of whatever her vulnerabilities are - it sounds to me like it's at the very least mutual but would not have happened if he had not opened the door wide with all the "preferential treatment" and flattering intimacies. I'm sure her colleagues either pity her or are jealous. How old are you guys anyway? Only excuse I can anyone for this kind of wholesale fall into such a trap is immaturity.

 

But anyway, back to patterns: She's following one of them and, in my opinion, NOTHING will knock sense into people already in limerence orbit except you, upending her world from this side.

 

I personally think the worst thing you can do is what I did:

You DON'T give "I understand" speeches.

You DON'T say first thing "last chance."

And you DON'T say, "If you ever do it again, I'll..." because ...

 

N O N E of that works when they're already sucked into the AP's halo effect from the kindness/attention/admiration/etc. She has to be SHOCKED into awareness and you can only do that by throwing her out with the trash. You have to say this is complete bullshyte and that you have no future with someone:

- so easily conned by flattery and sympathy

- without, apparently, any self-awareness

- and without sensitivity or thought of how such a relationship affects YOU.

So if she can't see clearly WHAT IT MEANS when something like this is happening to her and someone she's supposed to be exclusively committed to, then she doesn't understand what exclusive commitment means. If she did, then ALL her vulnerability and openness is toward you and making your relationship fuller, more intimate and more meaningful for both of you; confiding in YOU; learning to communicate with you so that you are more effective at supporting each other and have no wish to give that job to someone else. You say that you can't spend your life teaching her what's important or looking over your shoulder to make sure she's on track.

 

And you kick her out. It's like parenting a teenager. Their hormones are sparking and soaring, and they have no clue that what they're doing is self-destructive and even less control to stop it. Only tragedy, shock or time will teach them. You don't have 5 years to wait for her to grow out of this, so what do you choose? Tragedy or shock? Shock is most survivable but not for the feint of heart.

 

OH! And it won't work if you don't mean it. In other words, it's one of life's Catch-22s that you must sincerely be willing to lose her to have any chance of keeping her, but you must be operating from the "lose her" green light for it to work. She won't believe you otherwise and will continue to hedge bets. IT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTE to shake her out of it.

 

And finally, you absolutely do not forgive her at the first or even the hundredth tear. You wait. Wait. Wait. Stay. Stay. From the moment she starts waking up until maybe even the day you die, SHE works to gain awareness, true commitment and maturity. She will remember this moment with fear and gratitude that she came around in time. That's the best result.

 

And you? You gain independence. Your stomach stops churning and you walk forward into YOUR future having done and said what you believe and expect in a exclusively committed relationship. IF she comes around, you can decide to give her a chance BUT NOT with tears of relief and wimpy warnings.

 

Anyway, I'm tired of writing. Others may take up some of these points or not. I know it's true by what I did wrong (and then right) and by reading hundreds of examples like yours.

[merrmeade]

We're saying the same basic thing, OP:

A huge shake-up is needed to resolve this situation.

 

Here's an interesting post from another thread started by someone reading this forum as sort of a pre-marital study on what can go wrong. It's in a thread started by someone who cheated and lost everything but still a great synthesis of what it takes to get out of limerence:

One of the things my fiancee and I have noticed is the stark difference between posters who have sufferered severe consequences versus those who have not. ... Those who wake up in the morning to a empty bed, divorce proceedings, selling the house, splitting the children and dealing with lawyers, do not greive the AP. They have no time. There is no limerance or fog. It is unlikely you will grieve someone, that has destroyed you.

 

It is unfortunate that some must learn lessons the hard way....

 

Maybe others don't think you're at this point since she hasn't done anything physical (and THAT point will be her rationalization, by the way), but it is the vision of the future if she keeps going in this direction that will shake her out of it. This is the last thing the poster above said:

Tnose who are deep in the affair, fighting to get out, or dwelling on the AP during reconcilliation, should instead read and say to yourself , "There, but for the grace of God, go I"

Edited November 11, 2017 by merrmeade

[S2B]

How did the talk with her go? What are her consequences for plotting and planning to cheat on you?