Been a while

[Ronnie33]

Update.

 

He broke NC. Same ****, I miss you, I miss us, yada yada. Finally tells me he loves me after 4 years. The ****ty part is that it didn't even feel good. You love me but throws can't go anywhere so it's pointless. All the women on here who are waiting to hear those words, thinking it will make them feel better. I got news for you, it doesn't. Almost annoys me more because it's like "I knew you loved me asshat, and after four years, Save it"

 

I am convinced though that the MM that say it after a month or two, really are using it as manipulation, or they mean it in limerance. My MM is an asshat but at least he didn't use the I love you card to manipulate me, but I also never told him. After he told me, he asked. I said "do you think I would be here after all this if I didn't"

 

Anyway, he wanted to see me. I said no, he begged, then he got mad and now we are back to not speaking. I care less and less each time.

 

That's my hamster wheel update

[BourneWicked]

GOOD FOR YOU Ronnie

 

Yeah, he loves you. I love my mom's cat. It doesn't mean I'm going to leave my SO to be with it.

 

Which sounds crappy, but that's just the reality. My situation is the same.

[Ronnie33]

Lmao, I said the same thing. "I love my dog after 4 years, but that doesn't mean I'm in love and want to start a life with her"

[Ronnie33]

So last night I had a male friend over. I like him, we get along great and I know he really likes me. He is very attractive, and I am very attracted to him. We start

start kissing, and as it goes further and further MM pops into my head. I tried to push him out, but he was there the whole time. When it was over My friend asked me if I was ok. I told him yeah, I just had an early day tomorrow and still had to get some things done. He got the hint and left.

 

Soon as he was gone I laid in my bed a cried. I didn't cry because I missed MM, I cried because I can't get away from him. I'm having sex with a man that I'm attracted to and genuinely like and there he is, in my mind.

 

Then I cried on the way to work today thinking how bad I just want this to be over. I haven't cried over him in months. Probably longer but the past two days I have been losing it. I'm sure it has to do with him contacting me the other day.

 

I just keep listening to Tom Petty's Won't Back Down. "You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down"

[BourneWicked]

Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. Jah said it on a differethread... and maybe you've talked about this before... but does MM's unavailability resemble something you've known in close relationships in the past?

 

Perhaps you think you're craving MM, but you're really craving the disappointment, loss, or rejection that reminds you of "love" that you've known in the past.

 

Stay strong! you're doing the best you can right now... Can you plan some friend time?? it might help.

[BourneWicked]

Blah I tried to edit, but when I say friend time - the kind without benefits!

 

Hope your hanging in there. If nothing else, a good movie or netflix show might be a good distraction!

[Ronnie33]

My relationship with MM is very different the any other relationship I had. To me he represented everything I ever wanted in a man but never went for. He was the white collared, good guy. I always went for the bad boys. I always craved the excitement, until I got older and realized that excitement wasnt stable.

 

My husband was a great guy, great father but we were too crazy together. MM is very calm, conflict avoidant (which is annoying), comforting.

 

He was the total opposite of anything I had ever been with. Add on 4 years of the affair, intensity, emotional drama and here we are.

[BourneWicked]

My relationship with MM is very different the any other relationship I had. To me he represented everything I ever wanted in a man but never went for. He was the white collared, good guy. I always went for the bad boys. I always craved the excitement, until I got older and realized that excitement wasnt stable.

My husband was a great guy, great father but we were too crazy together. MM is very calm, conflict avoidant (which is annoying), comforting.

 

He was the total opposite of anything I had ever been with. Add on 4 years of the affair, intensity, emotional drama and here we are.

 

Wow Ronnie. This could be me talking about my situation. Except... with the addition of long distance, sometimes I wonder if it was anything at all. But yeah... the conflict avoidant I wouldn't like (I always feel like that's something MM likes in me. I am the first person to speak up about something I don't agree with, whereas he wears it on his face for a split second, then buries it. But maybe he doesn't notice that at all, and I'm just a nice distraction from his daily grind)

 

I feel the same... I never thought I was good enough to want someone like him. Now that I'm stable in my life, recognize my good qualities and (outside of this situation) have some self-esteem, I want that sweet, clever, calmness. That comfort.

 

Hope you're sticking to your guns even though it's difficult. I do think the point that there's several billion people in the world is a good one. Some of them are single, some are divorced, and though it's hard to believe it when you're in love, there's someone else who can make you feel that way again, who isn't married.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I love it when MidnightBlue makes an appearance on a thread - kind of adds immediate kudos to any thread IMO. And the bold bit above.....

 

100% right!

 

We all struggle with this post A though - any of us with a conscience or any kind of moral compass. Yes we f'ed up, got hurt, possibly hurt others and we punish ourselves through constant mental torture - a bag of rocks is a good analogy. Letting go of that bag of rocks is tough - a certain degree of self-flagellation can almost be comforting in a perverse way. My bag of rocks is still there, but I kind of feel it's hanging by a thread now...and already feels considerably lighter. I think I am letting it go, one rock at a time!

 

Hope you can too Ronnie. You are one of the good guys...it's so obvious from the way you write.

 

Thanks Jenkins!

 

My bag of rocks is mostly gone. I really do not think about xmm anymore, it feels a long time ago, another lifetime. It's been a year this month that he finally left and I remember, when I learned he was leaving, I thought I would die. I actually went out and signed up for a PO Box to give him some way to contact me. Isn't that stupid? I guess he never wrote; I last checked it maybe springtime. It was up this month. I never went back to check. I'm happy to let that part of my life die. It was a really bad, black time.

 

I'm looking forward to 2018. How many years of my life did I lose to this thing?

 

Too many.

[deadsoul]

My relationship with MM is very different the any other relationship I had. To me he represented everything I ever wanted in a man but never went for. He was the white collared, good guy. I always went for the bad boys. I always craved the excitement, until I got older and realized that excitement wasnt stable.

 

My husband was a great guy, great father but we were too crazy together. MM is very calm, conflict avoidant (which is annoying), comforting.

 

He was the total opposite of anything I had ever been with. Add on 4 years of the affair, intensity, emotional drama and here we are.

 

But doesn't the A still have that "excitement" you crave? Especially since it was secretive?

 

Conflict-avoidant is not good...

 

Let yourself grieve. I know the day is going to come when I have the attitude MB has. I'm already so much further along than I ever thought I could get to. So it can happen.

[Ronnie33]

Yes, I guess in some ways the affair was a form of excitement. I try not to think of it that way though because for so long I was so miserable in it.

 

You keep chasing that high but everytime it lasts less and less. Then you wake up and realize you are just a shell of who you were.

 

That's when we decide to go into recovery mode.

Edited November 18, 2017 by Ronnie33

[Poppy47]

Yes, I guess in some ways the affair was a form of excitement. I try not to think of it that way though because for so long I was so miserable in it.

 

You keep chasing that high but everytime it lasts less and less. Then you wake up and realize you are just a shell of who you were.

 

That's when we decide to go into recovery mode.

 

I think you realise at some point you have put so much of yourself into the AP that some of you has been erased.

 

Poppy.

[Jdoublenn]

Update

 

Anyway, he wanted to see me. I said no, he begged, then he got mad and now we are back to not speaking. I care less and less each time.

 

That's my hamster wheel update

 

And as everyone is adding what parts of your story we relate with, here is mine. I read a lot of posts on here, and rarely am affected as much as I am from yours right now. Can i say I just love your writing; your honesty. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

PS "hamster wheel update" I am stealing that phrase.

[minimariah]

Wow Ronnie. This could be me talking about my situation. Except... with the addition of long distance, sometimes I wonder if it was anything at all.

 

hey Bourne, can you elaborate on this part? i didn’t understand it - what did you mean by “maybe it was nothing it all”? do you mean as in, maybe the relationship wasn’t nothing at all or?

[SolG]

Hey Ronnie, long time no read! Good to see you back. Sort of!

 

Hey one thing I want to highlight is that no component of life is ever 'wasted'. Yeah, sure... we all could have used time differently and therefore theoretically more productively. But we/you/I didn't. It is what it is. It's unchangeable now.

 

And thank **** it is! Because if it wasn't you wouldn't be the extraordinary person you are today!

 

You wasted nothing. You just took an unexpected detour to today. And today, and who you are in it, is awesome.

 

Whether you glitch, or stuff up, or do any number of things... you'll be you at the end of it. And I kinda think you is a cool thing to be!

 

Be fallible. Be glorious.. Be unapologetically YOU! And **** MM. He's just a pitstop on your journey.

Edited November 18, 2017 by SolG

[BigBlueSky]

I think you realise at some point you have put so much of yourself into the AP that some of you has been erased.

 

Poppy.

 

So true... For me, not only erased but replaced by something else that I am not proud of. Time to move on...

 

Love this thread, btw. Thanks, Ronnie for sharing your story and updates.

[Ronnie33]

And as everyone is adding what parts of your story we relate with, here is mine. I read a lot of posts on here, and rarely am affected as much as I am from yours right now. Can i say I just love your writing; your honesty. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

PS "hamster wheel update" I am stealing that phrase.

 

Thank you, I'm always so happy when I can help someone else.

 

Steal away. From the first year of this affair "hamster wheel" was the only real way I could describe it.

 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" Another one of my favorites.

[BourneWicked]

hey Bourne, can you elaborate on this part? i didn’t understand it - what did you mean by “maybe it was nothing it all”? do you mean as in, maybe the relationship wasn’t nothing at all or?

 

When that affair fog kind of clears... and you read the stories here... you question if any of it was real.

 

I'm pretty sure if I could be a fly on the wall, watching him have a good interaction with his wife, I would know it was never anything more than an ego boost, that male drive to procreate, and something on the side. He says it was more, but the more distant we get, the more I doubt it.

 

When he says it was more, he can feel like the "good guy"

 

Who knows. At least his wife knows he wanted her enough to sign up for 25 plus life, no parole.

[Vivir]

I used to hold myself to this high moral code of standard. Now I feel tarnished and dirty. I will

never be the same woman. These things change you.

 

Did I love my AP? 100%. Do I think he loved me? Yes, I really do. Does it change anything? Not one bit. We will never be together. Staying in touch only prolongs the pain and reinforces the feelings of hurt and sadness that you will never have more. So why do we do it? Because NC hurts so bad, the missing, obsessing, longing. It gets so painful that we go back because something is better then nothing. But it's not. As the years go by it just get worse until you literally don't know who the hell you are anymore.

 

...

 

Remember, Love is just a word if there are no actions behind it.

 

Sometimes to rebuild, we have to tear it all down, first.

 

Let it burn, don't put the fire out, let it go out on its own.

 

Ronnie, I really appreciate your post! Where I quoted you above is the part of what you've written that speaks to me most. I, too, have been through the cycle of repeated no contact, and agree that it tears people down. It has torn me down. But I am in the process of building myself back up, albeit very slowly...

 

It has taken me a very long time to learn that stemming the tide of destruction in an affair has value and moving on is not only what I need but what I want. I also think it is what's best for xMM, although he acts as if he doesn't know this or believe it or something... Over time, I have become much more concerned with me and what I want and need to do. I still care for him, but he chose his life and is a grown up... I cannot fix him or help him; he has a wife and family for that.

 

Your last two lines are especially inspiring

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie, I really appreciate your post! Where I quoted you above is the part of what you've written that speaks to me most. I, too, have been through the cycle of repeated no contact, and agree that it tears people down. It has torn me down. But I am in the process of building myself back up, albeit very slowly...

 

It has taken me a very long time to learn that stemming the tide of destruction in an affair has value and moving on is not only what I need but what I want. I also think it is what's best for xMM, although he acts as if he doesn't know this or believe it or something... Over time, I have become much more concerned with me and what I want and need to do. I still care for him, but he chose his life and is a grown up... I cannot fix him or help him; he has a wife and family for that.

 

Your last two lines are especially inspiring

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

In four years I initiated NC so many times that I don't think he even took it serious after the first few. The past few months have been very different though. Before when I would initiate NC I never really wanted it over. I knew I didn't have the courage to follow through with it, and hoped it would make him realize how much he missed me. Now when I ask for NC I want it over. This time I finally feel like I'm strong enough to do it.

[Vivir]

Ronnie, someone else said it earlier, and I just want to mention:

I love this thread, too

 

I think as time goes on, the MM won't have a choice but to take you seriously, as your feelings are changing to the point where you care less and less. That means an ending is on the horizon somewhere, no matter what he thinks or feels about it. You just keep moving along, doing your best to hang onto you and doing so for dear Life.

 

Words alone are nothing more than wind. They are easy to say, and they cost nothing. Actions speak volumes.

 

Unfortunately, it has taken me forever to learn how important this is... I have always been so caught up in words, using them to justify/rationalize bad or opposite actions... I feel like I have been stupid for far too long.

 

These things shake you to your very foundations.

 

Very often, the feelings developed in affairs are very genuine both ways, but that doesn't mean that they are not selfish or that the relationship is viable in the long term, due to the complexity and the sheer number of factors involved. Genuine feelings or not, most affairs end - with a lot of pain.

 

I am thankful for these words by Jenkins (as usual).

 

You are still in love with an idea.

 

I have been able to see xMM realistically.

 

I find myself along the spectrum of being in love with an idea (or who/what we could've been together vs. being able to see xMM realistically). I am so thankful on this thanksgiving day that I am not stuck at the former end, and hopeful that one day I will be firmly on the latter (like Poppy).

 

he wanted to see me. I said no, he begged, then he got mad and now we are back to not speaking. I care less and less each time.

 

Ronnie, I used to struggle SO MUCH with upsetting this man! I swear, I would care more about his feelings than my own. Reading these boards one day, a light finally came on that he has a wife who also cares about his thoughts and feelings... "Duh!" moment for me! Since then, I, too, have cared less and less. At that point, I began slowly withdrawing my actions and affection and anything else and giving it to ME, because really all I have is ME... you'd think these things were obvious to me...

 

I didn't cry because I missed MM, I cried because I can't get away from him. I'm having sex with a man that I'm attracted to and genuinely like and there he is, in my mind.

 

Then I cried on the way to work today thinking how bad I just want this to be over. I haven't cried over him in months. Probably longer but the past two days I have been losing it.

 

(((Ronnie))) Been there, done that... wrote a full journal - or three... allow yourself to grieve. This is all a part of that process, as you know. It will pass, and you will continue to feel yourself become stronger.

 

I have been out on a few dates with a "nice" man. Sometimes, when I have looked at him, I have imagined the xMM is standing there. I have been actively forcing myself to see this "nice" man for who he is. He is not xMM. And I don't want him to be.

 

Of course, I know I am not ready to move into a physical anything at all... I still give him side-hugs for goodness sake. I know you want to move on, being single and all, but you might want to give yourself time to be ready to be physical with someone else.? maybe? It's OK.

 

Jah said it on a differethread... and maybe you've talked about this before... but does MM's unavailability resemble something you've known in close relationships in the past?

 

Perhaps you think you're craving MM, but you're really craving the disappointment, loss, or rejection that reminds you of "love" that you've known in the past.

 

Everyone, I have been thinking about ^^this^^ for some time now. I realize that everything I thought I knew about love and relationships and maintaining them (which was mostly nothing) has been shaken to the core. I am having to tear ALL of that down, challenge ALL of my thoughts, and LEARN something else altogether!

 

He was the white collared, good guy. I always went for the bad boys. I always craved the excitement, until I got older and realized that excitement wasnt stable.

 

tsk, tsk, tsk well... many of the reports coming in these days... the white collar guys are the worse criminals... just saying... though, I completely agree. Bad Boy excitement generally isn't stable.

 

the conflict avoidant I wouldn't like (I always feel like that's something MM likes in me. I am the first person to speak up about something I don't agree with, whereas he wears it on his face for a split second, then buries it. But maybe he doesn't notice that at all, and I'm just a nice distraction from his daily grind)

 

I feel the same... I never thought I was good enough to want someone like him.

 

Hope you're sticking to your guns even though it's difficult. I do think the point that there's several billion people in the world is a good one.... there's someone else who can make you feel that way again, who isn't married.

 

BourneWicked said a mouthful here!

Point 1: It has taken me a long time to realize I like speaking up for myself!! Then, I gradually started to pick my battles and DO IT! I like it A LOT! xMM spoke up for himself, too; however, he didn't open up to me emotionally. I honestly think he carries his load of baggage from relationship to relationship without processing at all. He seems to do a lot of rug sweeping. Talking to him about that kind of stuff was like looking into a black void behind a brick wall...

 

Point 2: xMM, and a host of other guys, look good in a superficial way. In ending and then processing this affair, I have found that I not only want a relationship that looks good... I actually want a relationship that is good.

 

Point 3: So many people feel that a certain person is their last chance at love. I have had to fight this feeling, too. It isn't easy But I am still trudging along.

 

But doesn't the A still have that "excitement" you crave? Especially since it was secretive?

 

I often wonder about an affair being exciting... I didn't like the secrecy at all. The only time I was excited was when I knew we were going to see each other, but I have felt that for past lovers also... I never understood the whole secrecy=excitement thing

 

I think you realise at some point you have put so much of yourself into the AP that some of you has been erased.

 

For me, I was still there, but I was severely depleted. And I looked and acted severely depleted. It was terrible.

 

When he says it was more, he can feel like the "good guy"

 

Who knows. At least his wife knows he wanted her enough to sign up for 25 plus life, no parole.

 

I have learned that most people hate to be the "bad guy." But sometimes we are... This 25 plus life, no parole comment warmed my heart. It is a sentiment I have tried to express for at least two years now as to why I felt such rejection when dealing with a MM. It is the reason I felt his BW shouldn't be angry at all (even though I know this is ridiculous...), because she has everything and knows that he wanted her enough to willingly sign up for 25 plus life, no parole!! He goes there everyday and he stays. Thank you so much, BourneWicked!

 

--OK, now that I have completely taken over this thread with my super long post... everyone can resume the conversation as intended:laugh:

 

(Sorry Ronnie )

[paradoxx]

Update.

 

He broke NC. Same ****, I miss you, I miss us, yada yada. Finally tells me he loves me after 4 years. The ****ty part is that it didn't even feel good. You love me but throws can't go anywhere so it's pointless. All the women on here who are waiting to hear those words, thinking it will make them feel better. I got news for you, it doesn't. Almost annoys me more because it's like "I knew you loved me asshat, and after four years, Save it"

 

I am convinced though that the MM that say it after a month or two, really are using it as manipulation, or they mean it in limerance. My MM is an asshat but at least he didn't use the I love you card to manipulate me, but I also never told him. After he told me, he asked. I said "do you think I would be here after all this if I didn't"

 

Anyway, he wanted to see me. I said no, he begged, then he got mad and now we are back to not speaking. I care less and less each time.

 

That's my hamster wheel update

 

Thank you for this. I am struggling with this after a 2 yr affair. I just pushed him away because I wasn’t getting enough words to affirm his feelings for me. I don’t know what I want because it wouldn’t change anything, but not getting that gave me an excuse to walk away. I will remember what you said here to help me stick to NC.

[Ronnie33]

When he said it, I felt nothing. The reason I felt nothing was because I already know he did and I know there's no future.

 

Two years ago I would have been so happy to hear them, now it's just feels empty.

 

Like I said earlier "words without action are meaningless"

[Patrice]

and a desire to return life to normalcy, on my end. Back to my ethics and integrity as a woman, and realizing that it was all a fantasy - there would be not happy life with that man - we were just too different on the basics. Integrity, living a life of simple pleasures. In my head, it was all shallow as I reflect on it. Not my thing, nor what I want or desire in my life anymore.

[Ronnie33]

and a desire to return life to normalcy, on my end. Back to my ethics and integrity as a woman, and realizing that it was all a fantasy - there would be not happy life with that man - we were just too different on the basics. Integrity, living a life of simple pleasures. In my head, it was all shallow as I reflect on it. Not my thing, nor what I want or desire in my life anymore.

and a desire to return life to normalcy, on my end. Back to my ethics and integrity as a woman, and realizing that it was all a fantasy - there would be not happy life with that man

 

This is exactly how I felt