She travels for work constantly

[Els]

Secondly, since she is working in an all male environment, the likely hood of her going astray when she is on these trips is is right up there.

 

This is absolute poppycock. Women who work in male-dominated environments typically know that if they want to be taken seriously, they have to be seen as "one of the guys". Flirting and sleeping with colleagues produces the exact opposite of that. Sure it happens sometimes, but I'm willing to bet that it happens a lot less often than it does in mixed environments or even female-dominated environments. Hopefully you don't think the solution is for women to not work.

 

I've worked in a male-dominated environment for several years now and been on a few trips with the complete support of my SO. Zero cheating has happened. The thought of even doing anything sexually suggestive with my colleagues repulses me. Work and romance do NOT mix IMO.

 

does she have a high libido? If she does then the chances of her straying increase manifold.

Lots of assumptions here. Many people have high libidos but only for the person they are in a LTR with. Promiscuity has no correlation with libido.

 

You will have to work out some system whereby you can get some sort of a way to keep tabs on her and check that periodically to satisfy yourself that she is on the straight and narrow.

If you are already at the stage where you can't trust your partner without "keeping tabs on them", you would be best served by breaking up.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elswyth, you may be right about specific individuals. However do read Steve's post above. The thing is that I said it is entirely dependent on a person's moral compass. If she has good boundaries nothing is likely to happen. However if her boundaries are poor then the factors that I mentioned are enabling ones and she could succumb due to one or more of them. You may have had very high standards but not everyone is like you and the thing is that the OP is disconcerted with the situations that she is immersed in while travelling. The other thing is that instead of being empathetic to the OP she brushed him off and displayed annoyance over his concerns. I do not think a loving partner would treat his or her SO in this manner. By the way, I have never hinted anywhere that women should not work and I do not know how you came to that conclusion. My Daughter in law works in a very demanding corporate environment with a lot of male coworkers and has had to travel abroad a number of times in connection with her work so I am well aware of the phenomenon of working women and what that entails. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

I also wanted to add that you have selectively taken some of what I posted and commented on them but I'm sorry to say that they lose context when not considered as part of the whole post. The thrust of my post was that the OP's main problem is his insecurity and that he needs to come to grips with that. I suggested IC to help him understand where his anxiety is being generated and how to subdue it. I also suggested that on of the things he could do was to trust his SO but verify from time to time. Steve wrote about his good friend whose wife left him for her boss because his friend never did question her frequent travel and late nights and trusted her fully. It is better to be smart at the outset than to repent later. Best wishes.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I work in a male-dominated field, and until about a month ago, I also had to travel every week. Dinners and drinks with coworkers and clients were all but required- we had to share a rental car, so everyone was stuck together for 14+ hours a day. I work in consulting and refusing to participate in social events would not have worked out well for my career with the company.

 

Most people hated the travel. We would have all preferred to stay home to have dinner and go to bed with our families.

 

Personally, I never engaged in, or observed, inappropriate behaivior. But I heard a lot of stories. And the travel was tough on my relationship even though my boyfriend never expressed any insecurities about it. It's hard to stay connected when you're apart so much. The divorce rate at my firm was pretty high- as is the rate of singles and people who don't have kids.

 

Here's the deal- your insecurity will absolutely destroy this relationship. Having a job with these types of commitments is hard enough without a partner who questions your every move.

 

However, if this lifestyle is going to be permanent for her, imo deciding it's not for you is a reasonable decision to come to. You may not want the risks and challenges that are part of this package.

 

So, talk to her and figure out how this job fits in with her greater plan. But don't guilt-trip her for doing her job.

 

My years traveling were hard, but I dont regret them. I am thankful my boyfriend was so supportive, and am also very glad to have left the travel behind me. It was not something I wanted for myself long-term, but was a good investment in my career.

Edited October 31, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[Els]

I also wanted to add that you have selectively taken some of what I posted and commented on them but I'm sorry to say that they lose context when not considered as part of the whole post. The thrust of my post was that the OP's main problem is his insecurity and that he needs to come to grips with that. I suggested IC to help him understand where his anxiety is being generated and how to subdue it.

 

I agree with that point, but I quoted the parts I did because I suspect that if the OP comes back to read this, his anxious nature will lead him to focus on those, and not on the need for counseling. Perhaps I was a little hard on you.

 

I also suggested that on of the things he could do was to trust his SO but verify from time to time. Steve wrote about his good friend whose wife left him for her boss because his friend never did question her frequent travel and late nights and trusted her fully. It is better to be smart at the outset than to repent later. Best wishes.

Do you think Steve's friend's relationship would have turned out any better if he had "kept tabs" on his wife? I sincerely doubt so. Someone who is going to cheat is going to cheat, EVEN if they have never traveled a day in their life, EVEN if their partner "requires" that they "report in" all the time. "Keeping tabs" on them doesn't help save the relationship - the only "benefit" is that IF they are cheating you might find out sooner so you leave sooner, but the potential downsides (the resentment it generates in the partner who feels mistrusted, and the natural loss of attraction towards an insecure partner) are far greater.

 

The other thing is that instead of being empathetic to the OP she brushed him off and displayed annoyance over his concerns.

Need more specifics about this. I think it's reasonable to feel annoyed at the OP's level of anxiety (he's like a woman who texts her husband constantly while he is working and expects instant responses), but she could have responded better despite that.

[DKT3]

I work in a male-dominated field, and until about a month ago, I also had to travel every week. Dinners and drinks with coworkers and clients were all but required- we had to share a rental car, so everyone was stuck together for 14+ hours a day. I work in consulting and refusing to participate in social events would not have worked out well for my career with the company.

 

Most people hated the travel. We would have all preferred to stay home to have dinner and go to bed with our families.

 

Personally, I never engaged in, or observed, inappropriate behaivior. But I heard a lot of stories. And the travel was tough on my relationship even though my boyfriend never expressed any insecurities about it. It's hard to stay connected when you're apart so much. The divorce rate at my firm was pretty high- as is the rate of singles and people who don't have kids.

 

Here's the deal- your insecurity will absolutely destroy this relationship. Having a job with these types of commitments is hard enough without a partner who questions your every move.

 

However, if this lifestyle is going to be permanent for her, imo deciding it's not for you is a reasonable decision to come to. You may not want the risks and challenges that are part of this package.

 

So, talk to her and figure out how this job fits in with her greater plan. But don't guilt-trip her for doing her job.

 

My years traveling were hard, but I dont regret them. I am thankful my boyfriend was so supportive, and am also very glad to have left the travel behind me. It was not something I wanted for myself long-term, but was a good investment in my career.

 

I also traveled a great deal. It was always my intention to never give my wife reason to be uncomfortable with my actions. His lady is not doing that, in my experience, when a partner gets annoyed with things of this manner it's a red flag.

 

It would be wise of her to cut out the hanging out part of these trips, at the very least the drinking.

 

OP, here is the thing, it's not wise to forge on in a relationship with a partner who doesn't give your concerns real consideration.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Thank heavens your not married. She is really into her work now, and you are her security blanket when she is "home". Which sounds like, not much these days. Being the supportive boyfriend, you should support her work ethic. But I would probably put the chills on the "relationship" part for now. You even said that she focused on work and doesn't even have time to call and stuff...Even if all is above board with her workmates, she may just want to concentrate on herself and her career. Which is fine, but you need her to be honest with the relationship part. The line "You just need to know I love you.." Is a bit euphemistic and lame.

I always related it to a family pet of sorts. Please don't take it wrong, just that when you walk your dog in a park and it suddenly darts away, you let go of the leash right? Otherwise, you get taken for a ride and end up getting hurt. Go ahead and walk the park my friend, but when she pulls to hard....You need to let go. And find somebody who wants to put as much effort into a relationship as you do.. Best of luck.

Oh yeah, and please....NO KIDS. Be careful. There is some drama you don't need!

[Cephalopod]

I don' think OP is insecure. I think he is like a lot of traditionally raised men who have found themselves behind the times and outdated. He wants a GF who is not out traveling all the time. He wants a stay-close-to-home woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Beating him up as being insecure is off the mark.

 

 

And she is not doing anything wrong either. She sounds like a straight-up lady.

 

 

The problem here is that he is simply with a woman who is not compatible with him. He needs to end this relationship and find a lady who doesn't travel for work and who is not married to her career. Simple as that.

[S2B]

Since you need to lead her into considering your feelings and she doesn't seem too worried about handing you peace of mind on a silver platter - you two may not be a good match.

 

Besides, how can you build intimacy and closeness with someone who is gone all the time and doesn't contact you often while away? You can't!

 

IF she made you her top priority she would be calling and texting YOU!

 

Instead she's drinking with coworkers and ignoring your contact = she's not that into you.

[Crazelnut]

This woman is working. Socializing over beer is perfectly normal and expected, and when done by adults with boundaries, doesn’t lead to cheating. OP’s insecurities would annoy me no end, and yeah, I’d be short with him too. That doesn’t mean I’m cheating. It means I’m tired of not being trusted. It means my boyfriend needs to stop being a clingy whiner and start treating me and my career with respect. There is nothing wrong with what she’s doing.

Edited November 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs. John Adams]

OP....

 

My husband has traveled 50 % of the time for the past 15 years....

35 years ago I had an affair and two years later he had a revenge affair. So we have infidelity in our history.

 

If you are having difficulty...and doubts and fears about your partner traveling...you should absolutely discuss it...but I would like to address something here.

 

Many times the fears we have are our own insecurities...and not necessarily reflective of anything our partner has done or said. So the fears you have are within you...and she may or may not be the cause or the problem.

 

There has to be trust in a relationship...and if she has never given you a reason to doubt her...if she has never lied to you...then the issues here are the fears within you and not her behavior.

 

Is some fear healthy? of course it is. We should all listen to our gut feelings....we should all be aware that infidelity is always a possibility. But is your situation a healthy fear or a crippling fear?

 

TO me the most important part of your story is...do you feel comfortable discussing your fears with her? and if you are not comfortable communicating your fears and insecurities with your partner...you have a huge obstacle in your relationship to overcome.

 

If the basic foundation of communication is broken..how then do you build on that foundation? If you are not comfortable discussing basic feelings with each other....how can you possibly progress as a couple and establish a comfortable relationship that you feel free to discuss ALL subjects.

 

I don't think she is cheating...I don't think she is even thinking about cheating...my bigger fear for the both of you is that neither of you is being honest about your feelings...and for this relationship to grow and mature..there simply has to be honesty and trust...not just trust that you wont cheat...but trust that you can share your deepest fears with each other and that the other partner will always have your best interest at heart.

 

The other part i want to point out is "delivery". If you approach her about this subject...and she becomes immediately defensive...is it the way you approached it? If someone comes at me in an accusing manner...I immediately become defensive...so I would remind you that your approach to her can cause her reaction to be less than desirable.

 

I wish you luck and I really hope you can work through this if the two of you really love each other and want to build a life together.

[Mrs. John Adams]

OP...I also want to add this

 

My husband travels....which means i am home without him. So I have every opportunity to cheat that he has.

 

If I were doing the traveling and he was the one staying home....we both would still have the same opportunity.

 

Are you more likely to cheat because she is gone? You could ....you could go out and do whatever you want while she is gone. But you don't....just like I don't.

 

We ALL can cheat if we want to...we all have the opportunity to do so....it is a matter of what we choose to do.

 

I believe with all of my heart that my husband has been faithful to me on all of his travels without me. Could he cheat? yes Could he cheat and i would never find out about it? yes

 

Could I cheat while he is gone? yes Could I cheat and he would never find out? yes But I know that I have been faithful to him.

 

One of the things we have always made sure we do is keep in contact. We text, we call. We hold each other accountable and we hold ourselves accountable to each other.

[Cephalopod]

If a person wants to cheat they are going to find a way to do so, whether on a business trip, in the broom closet at the office or at a lover's apartment during lunch hour. You cannot stop your partner from cheating if that is what he or she is going to do. All you can do is control how you react to it if you find out they have.

[sandylee1]

You need to trust her. It really would not bother me if my husband travelled a lot. He has had jobs that involved some travel every month or so, but it's never been a concern.

 

This is her job and as she's not done anything for you to get suspicious about, then you really need to trust her.

 

If the issue is that you miss her a lot ... that's something else. High powered roles can involve frequent travel ... try and be more supportive.

Edited October 31, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[Cephalopod]

This is a girlfriend, not a wife. She's not beholden to him. If he cannot find a way to accept her work and social life, then he needs to break up with her and find a more compatible partner.

[d0nnivain]

I also traveled a great deal. It was always my intention to never give my wife reason to be uncomfortable with my actions. His lady is not doing that, in my experience, when a partner gets annoyed with things of this manner it's a red flag.

 

It would be wise of her to cut out the hanging out part of these trips, at the very least the drinking.

 

OP, here is the thing, it's not wise to forge on in a relationship with a partner who doesn't give your concerns real consideration.

 

 

I agree that a good partner listens to the other's concerns & addresses them. But she can't very well not socialize. It's part of the job. Her annoyance may be a function of how many times the OP had brought up this same broken record & refuses to accept that she is not cheating. While her statement that the men she's hanging with are married themselves is not a guarantee that they are faithful to their wives, it's some indication that she's trying to reassure her partner / the OP.

[Cephalopod]

I don't see a problem with him not liking his girlfriend traveling with other men. That's just him. He has values, and her work life conflicts with those values. Neither she or he is in the wrong. They are simply incompatible. Nothing she can do would appease him, nor should she try to appease him.

[S2B]

Then why is this in the marriage forum?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't see a problem with him not liking his girlfriend traveling with other men. That's just him. He has values, and her work life conflicts with those values. Neither she or he is in the wrong. They are simply incompatible. Nothing she can do would appease him, nor should she try to appease him.

 

and it is up to him to decide what he can or cannot tolerate within his own relationship and not up to others to decide that for him based upon their own opinions and prejudices.

 

If her traveling is something he cannot live with...then he certainly can choose to end the relationship...but he should do so because it is what is right for the both of them. It would be a shame to throw away a relationship without first exploring every available option to save it.

 

I don't know enough about either of them to declare them incompatible

[DKT3]

I agree that a good partner listens to the other's concerns & addresses them. But she can't very well not socialize. It's part of the job. Her annoyance may be a function of how many times the OP had brought up this same broken record & refuses to accept that she is not cheating. While her statement that the men she's hanging with are married themselves is not a guarantee that they are faithful to their wives, it's some indication that she's trying to reassure her partner / the OP.

 

I am currently a plant manager five buildings and 750 employees, it's a world-class company with many plants worldwide. We get a constant influx of visitors, as well as doing our fair share of visiting. Rarely, very very rarely do I socialize outside of what pertains to work. So yes, she can avoid the socializing, it's likely not a part of her job, in fact I would guess her company doesn't endorse the drinking.

 

Reassurance or gaslighting, from our veiw it looks the same, right?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am currently a plant manager five buildings and 750 employees, it's a world-class company with many plants worldwide. We get a constant influx of visitors, as well as doing our fair share of visiting. Rarely, very very rarely do I socialize outside of what pertains to work. So yes, she can avoid the socializing, it's likely not a part of her job, in fact I would guess her company doesn't endorse the drinking.

 

Reassurance or gaslighting, from our veiw it looks the same, right?

 

I guess it depends on your company...John is expected to attend dinners...John is expected to attend bowling...and cooking classes...and do volunteer work...and play golf. I have seen the agendas...he hides nothing from me. Not only is it expected...it is REQUIRED. He doesn't have to drink....no one can MAKE you drink alcohol...but alcohol is supplied at most functions.

 

So making a blanket statement about these kinds of things is futile. It all depends on the company and your boss and the kind of work you do.

 

My job does not require fraternizing.....and I don't.

[Globug]

I travel for work a lot. The last two years I would be gone two to three weeks a MONTH!!!! At first it was exciting. Going to new places, nice dinners, co-workers respecting what you have to say and your opinion but it did eventually get old & it will for your GF too. Luckily this year I am down to a trip maybe every other month or so.

 

 

I ONLY travel with males as my job is an extremely male dominated field and 99% of the clients we go see are males.

 

 

I have only been hit on once & I immediately stopped the dinner, went back to my hotel room & called & told my DH. I also refused to go see that client alone again.

 

 

Bottom line is I actually care and love the co-workers I travel with. When you are in a plane together, rental car, meeting room all day, and then required to take clients to dinner at night you do develop relationships with people. Not sexual but for me friendships. One of my project managers I truly look at like a father figure. His and his wife's are adorable together. She has even brought me lunches to work before. Another co-worker is like a brother to me. I know all about his wife, and kids, what he is getting them for Christmas etc. Another co-worker just a great guy with two babies at home that likes when he gets to travel because he doesn't get woken up in the middle of the night but also feels guilty & always brings his wife a gift back because he hates she is at home doing it alone. This is a guy that drove to four different stores one night while we were on a business trip to find my husband special beer I could bring home to him that is not sold in our state.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is it is very hard not to develop some kind of relationship with co-workers you travel with BUT that does not mean they will be sexual in nature in any way shape or form.

 

 

My Dh has got to meet most of my co-workers at Christmas parties. I also tell him everything that was shared to me when I get back to my hotel room at night. He has gotten to travel with me once & he knows he is ALWAYS welcome even though it is not feasible because of his work.

 

 

When I am going on a business trip with a new person he has not met I usually look the person up on linced in or FB & show him their picture. I call him at the airports. When I land, when I get in my hotel room & during breaks through out the day. I call him before I go to dinner with my clients & when I get back but I don't check my phone while we are at dinner because it is rude.

 

 

I like what Mrs John Adams said.... you need to feel comfortable talking about this with your GF and find what wil work for you to feel more secure. It is okay to have this bumps in the road now & then, but it is how you discuss it & find out how to work through it that matters but travel does not = cheating. Do you truly worry she will cheat or is it just hard her having a part of her life that you are not in or a part of? I personally could see how that would be very hard.

[Cephalopod]

and it is up to him to decide what he can or cannot tolerate within his own relationship and not up to others to decide that for him based upon their own opinions and prejudices.

 

If her traveling is something he cannot live with...then he certainly can choose to end the relationship...but he should do so because it is what is right for the both of them. It would be a shame to throw away a relationship without first exploring every available option to save it.

 

I don't know enough about either of them to declare them incompatible

 

 

 

I see this happening more and more in the future. As we enter into a more information/technology based age, and emerge out of the industrial/manufacturing age, women will come to dominate business and commerce because they are more adept at the skills necessary to work in those fields. Men who work in construction, industrial and technical fields will soon have their incomes eclipsed by their wives. It is the progression we are seeing now.

 

 

So old fashioned guys like me will have to adapt to this new construct, and along with it our expectations as to what constitutes marriage and relationships with women. We either evolve as men and women together, or I believe you will see a drastic reduction in marriage and birthrate. I honestly believe that. Marriage as we know it now may be going extinct.

[d0nnivain]

I am currently a plant manager five buildings and 750 employees, it's a world-class company with many plants worldwide. We get a constant influx of visitors, as well as doing our fair share of visiting. Rarely, very very rarely do I socialize outside of what pertains to work. So yes, she can avoid the socializing, it's likely not a part of her job, in fact I would guess her company doesn't endorse the drinking.

 

Reassurance or gaslighting, from our veiw it looks the same, right?

 

You are a plant manager You have obligations to be nice to the visitors when you are in your building. If you are the person trying to develop business for the company you would be obligated to spend more time with these visitors. You would probably be required to take them out to dinner. You may be obligated to travel to them & again entertain them or be entertained by them. People do business with people they like & that requires you spend time socializing with customers. Your job doesn't have all of these obligations but sales & executive jobs do. After you do it for a while you feel like a trained monkey who is on when the organ grinder (your company) plays the music & you must sing & dance for the customer. It's the opposite of sexy; most people resent it after a while & it stops being fun quickly.

 

Most of this interaction is simply networking There are those who misuse it as a dating / sexual venue but that is more rare & those folks tend to be outliers. Everybody is so politically correct these days I think most men in a work context would be scared to make a move lest their behavior is unwelcome & they end up on the wrong side of a sexual harassment charge. At least that is how most men I know feel about the whole subject. So even if the OPs GF is willing, she'd be fishing in the wrong pond

 

These two may be incompatible because she has a job to do & he can't handle it. But I really do think he needs to power down & trust her unless he has more hardcore evidence of infidelity. The fact that his GF is on a business trip & male colleagues stay in the same hotel & they all occasionally consume alcohol together is not evidence of cheating. He may not like it but it doesn't make her wrong

[BettyDraper]

I travel for work a lot. The last two years I would be gone two to three weeks a MONTH!!!! At first it was exciting. Going to new places, nice dinners, co-workers respecting what you have to say and your opinion but it did eventually get old & it will for your GF too. Luckily this year I am down to a trip maybe every other month or so.

 

 

I ONLY travel with males as my job is an extremely male dominated field and 99% of the clients we go see are males.

 

 

I have only been hit on once & I immediately stopped the dinner, went back to my hotel room & called & told my DH. I also refused to go see that client alone again.

 

 

Bottom line is I actually care and love the co-workers I travel with. When you are in a plane together, rental car, meeting room all day, and then required to take clients to dinner at night you do develop relationships with people. Not sexual but for me friendships. One of my project managers I truly look at like a father figure. His and his wife's are adorable together. She has even brought me lunches to work before. Another co-worker is like a brother to me. I know all about his wife, and kids, what he is getting them for Christmas etc. Another co-worker just a great guy with two babies at home that likes when he gets to travel because he doesn't get woken up in the middle of the night but also feels guilty & always brings his wife a gift back because he hates she is at home doing it alone. This is a guy that drove to four different stores one night while we were on a business trip to find my husband special beer I could bring home to him that is not sold in our state.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is it is very hard not to develop some kind of relationship with co-workers you travel with BUT that does not mean they will be sexual in nature in any way shape or form.

 

 

My Dh has got to meet most of my co-workers at Christmas parties. I also tell him everything that was shared to me when I get back to my hotel room at night. He has gotten to travel with me once & he knows he is ALWAYS welcome even though it is not feasible because of his work.

 

 

When I am going on a business trip with a new person he has not met I usually look the person up on linced in or FB & show him their picture. I call him at the airports. When I land, when I get in my hotel room & during breaks through out the day. I call him before I go to dinner with my clients & when I get back but I don't check my phone while we are at dinner because it is rude.

 

 

I like what Mrs John Adams said.... you need to feel comfortable talking about this with your GF and find what wil work for you to feel more secure. It is okay to have this bumps in the road now & then, but it is how you discuss it & find out how to work through it that matters but travel does not = cheating. Do you truly worry she will cheat or is it just hard her having a part of her life that you are not in or a part of? I personally could see how that would be very hard.

 

I think the big difference between you and the OP's girlfriend is you make an effort to show your husband how much you think of him during these trips. You're also very transparent about all of your business relationships and whom you spend your time with while you're away.