Found hairs that aren't mine.

[MJJean]

Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now. He had been divorced for several years and the working out has been a life long thing. When i told him i felt like he did everything he needed to in order to "get" me and then stopped he said i was right.

 

 

We got into it last night because our sons went to the neighbor kids house to play....I walked them over. The neighbors best friend happens to be my husbands oldest sons ex girlfriend. I always got along with her. I ended up staying for an hours chatting with the two women. We talked about everything and anything...kids, baby daddy issues (ex gf and guy she dated after my step son), siblings...lots of things, but step sons name came up in passing. When i got home my husband got nasty saying she better not have been talking about his son. I sorta flew off the handle and said that not everything is about him. He got upset and i tried to say we talked about all kinds of things but he didnt want to hear so i went in kitchen. I could hear him muttering under his breath to my brother. So when he came in kitchen i tried to tell him and explain my reaction....he ignored me and walked away. Now he wants to act like nothing happened. It is things like this that make me think trying to fix things or trying counseling would be pointless.

 

The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

 

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is. He's been divorced before. Don't worry about him. He'll land on his feet. Worry about you and your kids. Think about what is best for you and them mentally and emotionally. How do you want to spend your life? How do you want them to grow up? What kind of examples of marriage and manhood do you want them to emulate in adulthood?

 

Im so sorry for the losses you and your friends have had to deal with. Thats heartbreaking.

 

I think i stopped hiding how unhappy i was 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away then my brother in law and my uncle, all within 6 months. My grandmother was 84 and had lived a full and active life but it put into perspective for me that life is going to go by whether we want it to or not and its up to us to make sure to do the things that are on our bucket lists. So Ive started doing them. The hard pill to swallow is that rather than be supportive, even in just saying hey have fun or mentally supporting if not physically, i get guilt tripped or mocked.

 

The May-December and equal age marriages I have seen that work between people with different interests and activity levels tend to include a LOT of "Ok, Honey, have a good time." and "So, how was your <insert hobby/activity here>."

 

I think the most bitter pill to swallow for me would be experiencing life without my partner by my side. It sounds like you are expected to behave like a married woman, but do pretty much everything alone.

[Pequeen1]

That is exactly how it is.....I’m expected to do everything for everyone...except myself. At least that’s how it feels. Maybe I’m just to that point.

[S2B]

You don't have to tell the kids or your H that you're ending the marriage because your H is too old. There is a difference between honesty and TMI. All you have to say is that you weren't a compatible match, chose to end the marriage due to irreconcilable differences, and that's it. Anything more isn't anyone's business.

 

This is it.

 

And just because your H says you're not going anywhere doesn't mean you have to do what he says - heck, it's this mindset that's gotten you to this point.

 

He figures he doesn't need to make effort anymore - and that just sucks.

 

A marriage, like any relationship, takes a LOT of understanding, effort, communication and compromises.

 

Since he's not participating in a healthy way it's time to consider ending it - whether he agrees or not - YOU don't need his permission.

[Pequeen1]

The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

 

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is.

 

 

After the other nights disagreement he’s acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

 

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesn’t remember any of this though.

[Pequeen1]

This is it.

 

And just because your H says you're not going anywhere doesn't mean you have to do what he says - heck, it's this mindset that's gotten you to this point.

 

He figures he doesn't need to make effort anymore - and that just sucks.

 

A marriage, like any relationship, takes a LOT of understanding, effort, communication and compromises.

 

Since he's not participating in a healthy way it's time to consider ending it - whether he agrees or not - YOU don't need his permission.

 

He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so he’s helping. We shall see for how long.

[MJJean]

After the other nights disagreement he’s acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

 

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesn’t remember any of this though.

 

I can't tell you how to get over your resentment. I can tell you that I have gotten over resentment two ways.

 

1) Absence. If I remove the resentment generator, the resentment fades and, eventually, disappears. In your case, removing the generator would be ending the marriage.

 

2) Acceptance. If the cause of the resentment is valuable to me, if there are far more pro's than con's, I will accept that the resentment generator is what it is, there's no changing it, so I might as well work with or around it.

 

I think you have a problem on multiple fronts. His age and the stage of life he is in (he's crested the hill and is on his way down while you're just starting the climb), plus the stage the relationship is in (past the honeymoon of limerence), plus his general *******-ness (some guys are just dicks), are all working against you.

 

I wonder if you're asking the wrong question. Maybe you should be asking do you even want to get over the resentment. Take the kids out of the equation because kids grow up and become independent leaving their parents with just each other. So, look at the marriage separate from the parenting. Is this the man, as he is, who you want to spend your life with?

 

As to him saying "that phase is over", he was being honest even if he doesn't remember it. His actions have matched his words there. He courted you and won you. He sees no reason to keep courting you. He doesn't feel driven to hold your hand or do the other little things you'd like him to do, so he doesn't do them unless you complain. When you do complain, he likely does what you ask to shut you up, not out of desire to do the thing itself. Some people are ok with that so long as they get the thing they want. Personally, I don't want anything my husband doesn't want to give freely on his own.

 

He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so he’s helping. We shall see for how long.

 

It's usually a cycle that never ends without either the relationship ending or serious intervention such as a counselor and a lot of hard work to change the habit.

 

He neglects, you complain, he does something for a minute, rinse and repeat. To stop this cycle, he'd have to admit it's a problem and be willing to work to fix it.

 

Before I say this, let me say that I firmly believe that if you say you'll do something, you have to do it or you lose credibility. So, if you take this advice, make sure you are absolutely willing to follow through.

 

If you're seriously leaning toward divorce, why not tell him that? Sit him down and explain that you WILL file the papers if he doesn't XYZ. Make a list of your dealbreakers before the conversation if you have to. Then, get into therapy. If he doesn't do the work or stops doing the work, you file.

[RecentChange]

Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now.

 

Boy - this is a match up that really has all the statistical odds stacked against you.

 

NINETY THREE - 93%!! of all fourth marriages end in divorce. If someone says "I do" and promises to love and cherish FOREVER - four times over - well that shows you that those words, and their commitment, and their ability to make sound decisions on the matter are seriously lacking.

 

Then add a 27 year age gap? Boy the bookies would be paying out if a marriage like this lasted till death do us part.

 

Your odds are somewhere around 5 in a 100 for this to actually work out. Add a husband who won't communicate and isn't willing to put in the work.... Make that 99 to 1.

 

How much more of your life are you going to give to this failing endeavor?

[S2B]

What's the update on the cameras?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What's the update on the cameras?

 

I think she and her children are away for the weekend.

[S2B]

I think she and her children are away for the weekend.

 

Yep, I'm wondering if she's seen anything yet.

 

The cameras in my house show me on my phone what's happening in real time.

[Pequeen1]

Sorry....been busy few days. Left to visit friend this morning....as expected he handed me money , I’m sure I’ll hear about how we spend too much money later.

 

Within 30-40 minutes of leaving this morning (9:20am) the camera sent me motion detection alert. I checked it but it was just him on the computer on the bed. I didn’t watch as I was driving. A bit later it alerted again and here it was pretty obvious what he had been doing ?. I watched long enough to verify my suspicions and watch him close computer, open bedroom door and leave room. His cousin is in town and had plans to meet up with him so room is dark now, unless he’s just busy downstairs.

[BetrayedH]

I gather that he took care of himself, watching some porn.

 

I’m guessing that’s not a dealbreaker for you.

[Pequeen1]

I gather that he took care of himself, watching some porn.

 

I’m guessing that’s not a dealbreaker for you.

 

You would have guessed correctly.

 

No not a deal breaker, but not something I’m excited about either. At this point since I’m not willing or dare to say even able to be with him in that way he can go to town. I guess it shows that the drive is still there, he either has no interest in me (which could also be explained by the lack of interest before the herpes discovery) or knows better than to ask me for sex.

[BetrayedH]

You would have guessed correctly.

 

No not a deal breaker, but not something I’m excited about either. At this point since I’m not willing or dare to say even able to be with him in that way he can go to town. I guess it shows that the drive is still there, he either has no interest in me (which could also be explained by the lack of interest before the herpes discovery) or knows better than to ask me for sex.

 

I think this is just one more confirmation that, as others have posited, he’s not going to change for anyone. If it were me and my sexual relationship with my wife was on the line, I’d be lining the damn pills up on the counter so she could see I’m taking them every day. But if he’s been divorced 3 times prior, I’m guessing he’s not changing for anyone at this point (not even to have sex with his wife). He’s not afraid of divorce.

 

It may not be a dealbreaker on its own, but I’d suspect that this should be one more factor in your decision-making. He’s making it clear that you take him or leave him, as-is. And his actions back up his words.

 

At this point I’m definitely leaning towards the opinion that you may not need much more proof of anything. He’s handed you what would be an unacceptable situation in my mind, with positive proof that it ain’t gonna change. You are still young; you could have an entire second life after him.

[BaileyB]

If it were me and my sexual relationship with my wife was on the line, I’d be lining the damn pills up on the counter so she could see I’m taking them every day. But if he’s been divorced 3 times prior, I’m guessing he’s not changing for anyone at this point (not even to have sex with his wife). He’s not afraid of divorce.

 

At this point I’m definitely leaning towards the opinion that you may not need much more proof of anything. You are still young; you could have an entire second life after him.

 

Absolutely. It it was me, I would be doing exactly what was required to change the situation. So far, he has shown you with his actions that he is perfectly fine with the status quo.

 

The day that I have to plant a camera in my bedroom to monitor my husband's actions is the day that I know for sure that my marriage is dead.

[Pequeen1]

I think this is just one more confirmation that, as others have posited, he’s not going to change for anyone. If it were me and my sexual relationship with my wife was on the line, I’d be lining the damn pills up on the counter so she could see I’m taking them every day. But if he’s been divorced 3 times prior, I’m guessing he’s not changing for anyone at this point (not even to have sex with his wife). He’s not afraid of divorce.

 

It may not be a dealbreaker on its own, but I’d suspect that this should be one more factor in your decision-making. He’s making it clear that you take him or leave him, as-is. And his actions back up his words.

 

At this point I’m definitely leaning towards the opinion that you may not need much more proof of anything. He’s handed you what would be an unacceptable situation in my mind, with positive proof that it ain’t gonna change. You are still young; you could have an entire second life after him.

 

Ironic. I’ve always said the same thing about the medication. If it were me on the other side of this them I would be going out of my way to make sure he saw me take the meds and to earn trust back....especially if he had told me to my face that’s what was needed.

 

I’ve been home a few hours...he took care of dishes I purposely left in the sink and did laundry.

 

And I don’t know that he’s doing anything so proof is moot. But I agree he’s not going to change.

[Pequeen1]

Absolutely. It it was me, I would be doing exactly what was required to change the situation. So far, he has shown you with his actions that he is perfectly fine with the status quo.

 

The day that I have to plant a camera in my bedroom to monitor my husband's actions is the day that I know for sure that my marriage is dead.

 

People breathe new life into marriages all the time. I have been taking the time to decide if that’s something that is possible and if it’s something i could want.

 

The fact that he’s heard me say what I want and need from him and concerns I have and has done nothing to move towards addressing them is eye opening.

[S2B]

People breathe new life into marriages all the time. I have been taking the time to decide if that’s something that is possible and if it’s something i could want.

 

The fact that he’s heard me say what I want and need from him and concerns I have and has done nothing to move towards addressing them is eye opening.

 

He doesn't think you will do anything.

 

I'd move out...and file for divorce to see if he actually gets motivated to start participating in the marriage.

 

IF he doesn't then you have your answer.

 

Do you work? Do you have money set aside or access to money?

[standtall]

If your in the US...any state..., using a camera in the bedroom without the other parties consent is a criminal act. Be careful here.

[MJJean]

How are you, Prequeen? Processing, please wait?

Edited November 13, 2017 by MJJean

[Pequeen1]

He doesn't think you will do anything.

 

I'd move out...and file for divorce to see if he actually gets motivated to start participating in the marriage.

 

IF he doesn't then you have your answer.

 

Do you work? Do you have money set aside or access to money?

 

I know he doesn’t think I will.

 

 

I work, yes. I’m a middle school health and physical education teacher. Yes I have money set aside and am continually adding to it.

[Pequeen1]

How are you, Prequeen? Processing, please wait?

 

A lot on my mind

[PegNosePete]

People breathe new life into marriages all the time.

People... yes. Your husband... no.

 

It takes 2 to tango. You can't breathe life into the marriage all on your own. He has to be an active participant in the process. But he has shown you loud and clear that he is not going to breathe anything into anything.

 

The fact that he’s heard me say what I want and need from him and concerns I have and has done nothing to move towards addressing them is eye opening.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Time to file for divorce. You're just wasting the rest of your life.

[elaine567]

I think you are wasting time too, he is 60 not 16, the time for spontaneous "change" is long past.

He likes the way things are and sees no need to change, he only changed his tactics temporarily in order to trap you, classic bait and switch, now I guess he thinks you are going nowhere so why would he need to bother changing anything?

[HiCrunchy]

Boy - this is a match up that really has all the statistical odds stacked against you.

 

NINETY THREE - 93%!! of all fourth marriages end in divorce. If someone says "I do" and promises to love and cherish FOREVER - four times over - well that shows you that those words, and their commitment, and their ability to make sound decisions on the matter are seriously lacking.

 

Then add a 27 year age gap? Boy the bookies would be paying out if a marriage like this lasted till death do us part.

 

Your odds are somewhere around 5 in a 100 for this to actually work out. Add a husband who won't communicate and isn't willing to put in the work.... Make that 99 to 1.

 

How much more of your life are you going to give to this failing endeavor?

 

I think you really need to look this over OP. Recent change made a very good point.

 

I have seen so many relationships and marriages end over sillier things, I think you have fought long and hard for your marriage.

You can do much much much better than an old man, that treats you like you're garbage.

 

You don't need to proof to be honest. His treatment of you is enough grounds for the divorce.

 

Best of luck to you.