MidlifeMama Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 The idea of posting is to feel out options, opinions. Let's not force someone to feel bad about making a difficult decision for themselves. She is looking for a sounding board, not judgement. One can not make a decision to divorce based on a few days of posting on a relationship site. She knows what she has and does not have. She is feeling torn and needs support. There doesn't need to be a timeline to decide, it's up to her. So if people go off here for a bit to think, I see how posters attack and say, they Ghosted and forget them. Or, divorce already, what's the problem. These are life-changing, difficult decisions. Give her a break! She gets it, she knows her husband. We can give opinions, but let's try to see her perspective and not make her feel worse than she already does. If I have done that OP, please forgive me. This is YOUR decision. Hoping you take care of you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 The idea of posting is to feel out options, opinions. Let's not force someone to feel bad about making a difficult decision for themselves. She is looking for a sounding board, not judgement. One can not make a decision to divorce based on a few days of posting on a relationship site. She knows what she has and does not have. She is feeling torn and needs support. There doesn't need to be a timeline to decide, it's up to her. So if people go off here for a bit to think, I see how posters attack and say, they Ghosted and forget them. Or, divorce already, what's the problem. These are life-changing, difficult decisions. Give her a break! She gets it, she knows her husband. We can give opinions, but let's try to see her perspective and not make her feel worse than she already does. If I have done that OP, please forgive me. This is YOUR decision. Hoping you take care of you! You are correct. If my post was judgmental or upsetting, my apologies to you OP. Obviously, you are not going to make a major life decision in just a few days after reading the opinions of some strangers on the Internet. It's hard to read a story like yours, where it is so clear that you have hitched your wagon to a man who has treated you with such little respect or affection. There is a feeling of complacency in your posts. You have set healthy boundaries related to intimacy, but that is all. I hope you understand, you are not wrong to think that you should deserve more from your husband and your marriage. Best wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Forget the hairs. He's horrible. Uoiu could move on to a man who treats you well. Your children have a man old enough to be their grandfather....and he doesn't show you live or appreciation. you'll be left being a carer when he gets older avd you will become resentful and bitter. Caring for an old man ... who never treated you like you deserved is awful. Leave before it gets to that stage and people think you're just leaving because he's old and needs looking after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I see you aren't going anywhere. In that case why concern yourself with hairs. Your sons will grow up thinking your marriage is normal. These things present in their own adult relationships. Rather than stay for the kids ... leave for the kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I feel like i need to defend/explain myself a bit. The beginning of our relationship it was very subtle....oh you dont need to go to the gym or to hang out with friends just stay home with me..i didnt see it for what it was. I do now...I stopped allowing him to dictate what i do by guilt tripping me. I go out with friends and have started to take back my social life...and ive tried to include him. This weekend i went to a halloween party a coworker invited me to and i asked him to go, even said it would be nice if he went....he ignored by invite, never brought it up. So after my kids were in bed i went. I got home to him telling me that my 3 year old cried for 20 minutes cuz he wanted me. That breaks my heart and i wont lie it crosses my mind how they would do on nights that they were with dad instead of me. The come to me for everything....unless they think they can get what they want from him because i said no...they know im the one who goes to school events and can always be found in the crowd. I go out of my way to make sure they know to be kind and how to treat people...these things that were brought up are all things that have crossed my awareness in the last few months. When husband snatched a baseball bat out of my hand i was buying for oldest while in check out and told me id do what i wanted regardless of what he said and my oldest told me he was mean to me and shouldnt have done that it was a slap in the face. I hadnt realized how much he was paying attention until that point. I told him once i wasnt his maid and was he going to expect his wife to do those things for him and he told me "well dad does". Then he back petalled because he realized hed said something bad about his dad. Im not a doormat, refuse to be. I speak up and i get dirty looks when i do. Things are always easier to see when youre on the outside looking in..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Hi Pequeen, as a point of interest, just how old are you? I think you are wasting precious time by lingering in this marriage. You should be planning your exit and getting all your ducks in a row as they say. When you are well and truly ready just leave when he is at work and leave a note or email him telling him your decision. Also you should file immediately on separating. Do not let him know where you have chosen to stay so that he does not come around and harass you. As amasyngrace said she did it for her children. You , too, need to do it for your children. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Hi Pequeen, as a point of interest, just how old are you? I think you are wasting precious time by lingering in this marriage. You should be planning your exit and getting all your ducks in a row as they say. When you are well and truly ready just leave when he is at work and leave a note or email him telling him your decision. Also you should file immediately on separating. Do not let him know where you have chosen to stay so that he does not come around and harass you. As amasyngrace said she did it for her children. You , too, need to do it for your children. Warm wishes. I'm 34 he is 61....he didnt start acting his age until after his brother died unexpectedly 3 years ago.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) You may speak up, but you stay. And it continues... Your kids are preschoolers and with the innocence of youth, they are telling you that daddy is mean. That is so sad. Your children are watching, and actions always speak louder than words. They love you now as their primary caregiver. They worry about you as all children do. No child wants their father to be mean or hurt their mother. What a terrible burden to place on your children. Hopefully, as your children grow older and they start to test their boundaries as all children do, they won't show you the same disrespectful behavior that they have seen their father show you. It's a very real possibility. They are already telling you; if their father does it, then it must be ok. Hopefully, they don't grow up and show their future wives the same behavior. It's what they know about marriage and relationships. Actions always speak louder than words. And children are always watching and learning from us. Teach them well. Edited October 30, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that... That's what my mother did - stayed because she made a commitment and didn't want to break the family and cause damage to her children. Staying in a toxic relationship causes more harm/damage than leaving one. I strongly believe that if she left, we would have been better off. Instead, we became a product of dysfunction. The whole "quitter" mentality is sometimes an excuse we talk ourselves into believing because it's much easier to stay than it is to do the hard thing, which is to leave. Forget about the hairs, there's been more than enough that has happened for you to eject. The relationship started off on a lie and it has become your foundation. It's time you start believing that you and your children deserve much better. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that. I dont over look it.....i save money and explore all options. I have no family close by....if i did id have left on january 12. I posted here to get opinions to make sure i wasnt being irrational. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 It comes across that you are from a non western culture. You have to think about y yoursek sbd your sons. The reason a number of men harrow up not resp ecting woman is from what they saw growing up. If boys see men treat women respectfully, they'll do the same. You can say you aren't a doormat ... I'm not saying you are ... but it's what your children see that really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct. Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct. Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there. most cheaters are lazy, which is why the OW is probably someone he sees daily at work or has very frequent contact with in his daily routine. so he didn't/doesn't have to go out of his way to find someone or do anything special to attract her. as for your kids, worry more about the example you are setting for them whether you stay or go. they are going to eventually know what happened and how you react(ed) to it influences their well-being, too, and how they see you as a mother/role model. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there. Laziness has nothing to do with someone wanting to cheat. He may have no motivation when it comes to other aspects of his life but I'm sure the prospect of having a side piece adds a different element to his likely dull life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I dont over look it.....i save money and explore all options. I have no family close by....if i did id have left on january 12. I posted here to get opinions to make sure i wasnt being irrational. You're not being irrational. But by staying you are setting an example for your boys that it's all acceptable behavior. Your H sounds like a jerk... show your boys there are consequences when you're a jerk. Your older son already thinks it's acceptable behavior because Dad does it. Sometimes you gotta show them with actions that you're NOT ok with the way things are. It doesn't matter that you said you wouldn't divorce - I said that too - but I had to get divorced to get away from a lying, abusive cheater! I had to do that for me and my boys! That was hard after almost 25 years with him - but it was worth it! It showed my boys that I value myself. It showed them a fine example of strength and courage! That was 12 years ago. They still tell me I did the right thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct. Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there. Right now, this dysfunction is their normal. This sham marriage is their example of marriage. Their father's behavior in word and deed is their example of manhood. If you leave, the kids will be exposed to a different, more healthy, normal and maybe have a shot at not turning into their father. If he behaves badly during his parenting time the kids will eventually decide not to visit with him. Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one. Do the right thing for you and the boys and leave. Please. This man will ruin them. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one. Are you going to spend your life complaining about this man for the rest of your life, or are you going to make a decision and take action? Because, right now you are stuck in a position of inertia and complacency where you have convinced yourself that yours (and your children's) continued suffering through the abuse (yes, I use the word abuse) this man demonstrates toward you is somehow in the "best interest" of your children. Your children will see their father for who he is when they grow older - a mean, spiteful, and abusive man who hurt their mother and didn't care enough to parent them. What are they going to say about their mother? Are they going to say that she was a self-sacrificing or weak woman who stayed in a dysfunctional and abusive marriage because she mistakenly thought it was in her children's best interest? Or, are they going to say that their mother was a strong woman who did the hard thing and left her abusive husband to build a better life for herself and her children? It is your decision. Someday, the pain of staying will be worse than the fear of leaving the marriage. You should continue to save money and be prepared to leave. But, don't stay because of the kids. Leave for the kids. He will ruin them. And you. Edited October 31, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 The sad thing is that you'll find it harder to leave when he's old, frail and needing care..... people will see you as the bad wife for leaving the old man ... and you'll be stuck with him and miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Hard question - is it possible that you choosing to stay in this relationship because it is in your financial best interest to do so... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 Finances are definitely a concern but I work full time and am not afraid to get evening job. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one. Can you explain why it's good to stay with any man such as this? He's not a positive role model for your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Finances are definitely a concern but I work full time and am not afraid to get evening job. You are a teacher, which is the hardest and most rewarding job you can have. Except for parenting. Don't forget, you will be entitled to child support and probably spousal support. If you haven't talked to a lawyer already (I would have to look back through this discussion because I can't remember), you really should consider it to learn more about what you would be entitled to receive if you ever decide to divorce. There would be no commitment, you are gathering information. It's always better to gather the information so that you can make an informed decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Can you explain why it's good to stay with any man such as this? He's not a positive role model for your kids. Ha I didnt say it was good to stay with him....If i thought it was I wouldnt be on here and worried about hairs or anything else. The bigger picture of all of this is that there are many issues...however i know all relationships take work and have issues so before i leave i want to make sure im not being a huge b*tch and going to be one of those people who give up during a down swing. Things were not always this way. He put up a good show of doing all the things and being all the things i wanted and needed until the cards were down. That messes with your head "he did it before he can do it again". I want to be sure that its not something like depression or some other issue hes having before i just throw in the towel. Obviously getting outside views from people who dont know me or him give a bit of perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 You are a teacher, which is the hardest and most rewarding job you can have. Except for parenting. Don't forget, you will be entitled to child support and probably spousal support. If you haven't talked to a lawyer already (I would have to look back through this discussion because I can't remember), you really should consider it to learn more about what you would be entitled to receive if you ever decide to divorce. There would be no commitment, you are gathering information. It's always better to gather the information so that you can make an informed decision. I have been to an attorney...months ago. Just to get an idea of where i would stand. In my state him not telling me he has a STI is grounds for me to sue him actually. Whats hard about that is you get people telling you oh its only a skin condition and its manageable. My issue is not that...its the deceit. The continuation of lies by not taking the meds and hiding them after ive spoken out saying i need to see him take them to trust him again. He doesnt want to validate my feelings on this and thats a problem. sorry, rant. ive thought about a second attorney to get more in depth info...first just told me my opinions and generalized about of child support. Link to post Share on other sites
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