Second Time Caught Same Man

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you and understand your doormat perspective and legalistic next steps and threats...that is an avenue but having read about the doormat that I am do you think that is the answer for me in faith?

 

We both replies they seem so grounded in sex..that has never been a problem in our marriage ever...this is about filling emotional vacancy outside our marriage again read a split life affair it is prototype.

 

 

I have a strong faith as well. Not quite to your degree but its strong. Fool me once shame on her. Fool me twice shame on me. This is a case where your faith will burn you frankly. Why? Because you are ignoring her female primal instinct which is that she rejects weak men and doormats. It is understandable to try and R after one occurrence. Two? With the same man? Sorry, she is more in love with him than you and you don't want to see that. Either that or you realize it and accept it. You are in for a very rough journey. She has no consequences and will find a way to get her drug, her OM. Frankly, its hard to read your last few posts. You deserve someone who shares the same feelings of monogamy and faith as you do. But maybe you are fine being the plan B and when it happens a third time you will get your senses. Frankly, there is no help to give here. Not sure why you posted if you were going to let her get away with it again with no consequences.

[Cephalopod]

"Be ye not unequally yoked."

To me this speaks to more than just marrying someone outside your faith.

 

 

OP you and your WW have been unequally yoked for years now.

[stillafool]

Hi Cullen, that was exactly the question I was going to pose to the OP. He seems so immersed in his faith that he will keep turning the other cheek till they bleed but he will not budge from his position. With that a given, what was the need for him to come her and expose himself to the harsh glare of reality.

 

I don't know if OP is immersed in his faith of just using his faith as an excuse to hang on to a woman who no longer wants him. He is involved in competition with his wife's boyfriend. I too don't understand why he feels the need to come back and post when he has already made up his mind to hold on to her as long as he can no matter how much she has sex with the OM.

[S2B]

First to everyone who has taken the time and provided guidance and opinions I am so deep thankful...perspective from each of you is a gift. I have been given a lot in my life with 3 amazing children and 2 new grandchildren and a deep relationship with Christ.

 

Each day I try imperfectly to be and I am always forgiven by his grace...not once or twice but always. She has deeply fallen twice maybe more. This last affair was by definition a Split Life Affair. She fell emotionally to the point of considering leaving me. In these affairs which are perhaps the most dangerous she led 2 lives and was 2 people connected by layers of lies they also are often years apart in age:

 

https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/affair-type-5-the-split-self-affair/

 

My wife is a fallen woman of faith. Yes by her actions I am free to divorce. Yes I can break the bond of marriage before God with his blessing. But in John 8:7 his voice is also clear...and I am certainly not without sin. Friday was discovery and Saturday was her moment shared with me that she does not know which way to go. She had an open path to the OM. Sunday she sought counsel at the Church. She knows the OM is not a man of faith and never will be. He lost his faith with the loss of his wife. It is that cornerstone faith that bonds us that offers us the chance to be fully together as intended by our vows.

 

She has met with the OM. She is leaving the business. She stopped all contact with the OM except to dissolve her business interest and train the team all of which will be done by phone. We for the first time(sadly) are doing counseling together to complement her individual counseling. She feels free and wants to reset her life with purpose of healing us,family,and outreach. She is now at her parents..her Mom has early dementia time out of town is needed for us both.

 

What I hear often in this thread is the word weakness or maybe I am a lamb I in a world of wolves. But I do know that each day I need to try an be just a little bit more like him...if that is weakness then that is a term in humanistic application. Reading and studying the world is easy...living the word in the most crushing moments of your life is the deepest test you can have. And yes I carry deep aching pain at all levels and our marriage will work with his blessing and our dedication or he has another plan.

 

I do need to offer this insight. For those first timers understand what type of affair it is(see above link) there are multiple types. I didn't do that and we did no counseling and with my approval I placed her back with the OM. I thought the fear of losing their business would be enough to take the gift and not return to their affair. She/We need to understand the drug or cheaters high is like being an alcoholic and treated as such. She fails to replace what is missing in our marriage and that must be reset inwards to our bond betterment.

 

So like God often does in our life he brings us back full circle to the same challenge to learn and grow and with his lead allow us to be closer to him and maybe live in some small way like him..he is still after us and for that I am deeply grateful and happy.

 

For some not in the word my journey and direction may seen shallow misguided and asking to be hurt and crushed again and if it is his will then it shall be.But I will not let her go or our marriage without my full measure of effort and support to make this marriage last...and I have not done that and she knows her steps must be all in..all in.

 

Thank you all for the support and kindness and wisdom..!

 

With this update and approach I would advise you to stay on path. Keep your wife at bay with solid boundaries while SHE earns your trust over a LONG period of time. Consequences are crucial for HER now. She needs to show with actions and emotions that she is willing to do anything to earn your trust again.

 

She needs to understand how she cheated and how to never do that again! Something inside her is very broken and only she is responsible for fixing that...and repairing the damage she's done to your trust/marriage is for her to repair.

 

Long term - you take care of you - she takes care of herself... then see IF you can live with her new and improved self when and IF she improves by growing and learning about her deficiencies.

 

 

She is selfish at her core...know that. IF she can learn not to be that kind of person then you MIGHT have something to work with and a marriage to consider.

 

IF she can't think and DO differently then she's left you nothing to work with.

 

Let her stay long term at her Mothers... she has work to do and you need the space and grace of the distance to be capable of "seeing" whether or not she genuinely changes.

[notbroken]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Been there, done that - and lost the T-shirt in the process.

 

However, it is VERY hard to decide to divorce. Definitely a life changing event that can look almost impossible to overcome (it's not - you will eventually be happier for losing a cheating disrespectul spouse). Honestly, I think you are looking for excuses - it is a type of affair that makes it ok somehow, you are religious so you can't, etc. Your wife is a serial cheater who doesn't respect you. What would it take for you to decide you had enough? Even the Bible gives 'an out' to a man with a cheating wife. It's difficult but in this case it is very clear what the outcome should be - even if it is hard and tough to accept. You know the answer - even if unpleasant.

[usa1ah]

Forgiveness is one thing and should be given when able.

 

Staying with someone that is capable and willing to do this for so long is another thing.

[usa1ah]

You need to test for STD’s, both of you.

 

You talk about her doing anything and everything to fix what she has done.

She can do nothing to make this right.

She can’t take back what she has done.

 

No matter how you phrase this.

She chose to start and have an affair.

She chose to lie and continue and take it further when discovered the first time.

She chose to bed her affair partner.

She chose to do all of this. It’s not some midlife crisis or anything else. She made a choice to cheat on you and the family no matter the out come.

 

Now and only now that she has been found out. She is like “O I will do anything to fix this” “I’m so sorry” “please for give me” “I had my fun, now kiss and make up”.

 

This wasn’t a one time mistake.

 

This was full of lies and deceit and would still be going on if you didn’t uncover it.

 

Many wives work with male partners in business and never do what your wife has done. What you referenced about live two separate life’s is just an excuse for her behavior so you could possibly stomach it.

 

Anyway I guess best of luck with the years, and I do mean years, of misery you have coming in trying to reconcile this so called marriage.

[usa1ah]

Did I read right that your wife has gone away with her mom?

[bigman1]

I wish you well on your path. It appears, and this is not castigating you, but it appears that you are looking for "permission" of a sort to stay the course. Maybe you invoke God as sort of a "straw man" to compel staying. I am not calling God a straw man, I am saying that your last post appeared that way. Your wife is a "fallen woman of faith", your "sins", etc. It really seems that no matter what, the path you want to take is to be with her AND THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE.

 

Many in your position have to grasp hold of things to get them through the night. That is fine. You have, since your first post, set the course that you wish to take and the type of input that you wish to hear. Perhaps posting here and getting so many dissenting voices allows you to vent your pain and refine your mantras so that you can repeat them when you are alone with your thoughts. THAT IS FINE.

 

While it is all fine as it is YOUR life and marriage, I suggest that you also start working on what you will need when the aforementioned is not enough. I don't know what that will entail, but it will be a lot. A storm is coming and you need to be prepared.

 

I can't judge a man harshly who can't or won't leave his wife no matter how much she has betrayed him because I have not lived his life. While every stumble that you make may be predictable, every subsequent hurt avoidable, and the truth obvious to others, they are his stumbles, hurts and revelations to experience.

[MadJackBird]

This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

 

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.

 

Does your wife struggle with any other addictions? Alcohol?

[merrmeade]

You can find a quote from the Bible or anywhere to justify actions on opposite ends of a spectrum for just about every human condition. It doesn't make a stronger argument, just murkier. It's bad enough OP clouds his own basic issues as a betrayed spouse, man and human being with arbitrary application of the golden rule. It's just an excuse not to seriously consider the D or don't D question.

 

I get it and had my own excuses. The most compelling arguments that get attention imho are about the chances for recovery both personally and as a couple based on some kind of evidence.

[Cephalopod]

Josea has left the wheat field.

[Chaparral]

Forgiveness is just a gift Jesus went around bestowing on sinners. And forgiveness is not required to be given to someone just because they sinned against you. Forgiveness is given when earned. Before that it is just an empty self serving excuse to take an easy way out. Before a sinner can be forgiven they must repent AND ask to be forgiven. It will take years for your wife to prove she has repented. Therefore...........

[road]

Forgiveness is just a gift Jesus went around bestowing on sinners. And forgiveness is not required to be given to someone just because they sinned against you. Forgiveness is given when earned. Before that it is just an empty self serving excuse to take an easy way out. Before a sinner can be forgiven they must repent AND ask to be forgiven. It will take years for your wife to prove she has repented. Therefore...........

 

.......................the BH has to work towards forgiveness and to

not throw the affair into his WW's face. Together they both lead

the way to rebuild the broken trust.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think the OP got what he wanted from everything people have written here and is now in the process of assimilating it and justifying to himself why he is right. The fact is everyone's reality is their own. If he can be happy living with a person who he knows can and will stab him in the back repeatedly, then who are we to tell him otherwise. His pain will be his own, his cross his own to bear and in the end, whatever the result as far as his union with his wife is concerned, he will be left to deal with it the best he can. He may be happy he stuck it out or he may forever regret his folly in trying to salvage a severely leaking boat, but whatever it is it will be his to face head on. So I guess peace be to him and his family. Warm wishes.