Second Time Caught Same Man

[gpete3008]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

 

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

 

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

 

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

 

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

 

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

 

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.

 

The first time may have been a mistake. It is highly doubtful. The second time was a deceitful, pre-meditated conspiracy to undermine and disregard the integrity, honor and sanctity of the marriage.

 

8 or 28 years, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. She does not respect her husband and their marriage. She only respects the consequences of her actions as she was caught. It was b/c she was caught that she 'appears' remorseful...AGAIN.

 

The bible provides an avenue of divorce for adultery/fornication.

[S2B]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

 

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

 

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

 

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.

 

Why would he stay in a marriage when his wife is a serial cheater and is full of empty promises? She only seems to be sorry when she gets caught - but this poster never seems to give his cheating wife consequences - so of course she just does it again.

 

This was NO MISTAKE! A mistake is something that happens by accident. This was long term, calculated deceit. Stop calling it a mistake!

 

There's no reason to work on the marriage when his wife has been checked out for a lot of years! One person working to save the marriage never works.

[ablankslate]

First to everyone who has taken the time and provided guidance and opinions I am so deep thankful...perspective from each of you is a gift. I have been given a lot in my life with 3 amazing children and 2 new grandchildren and a deep relationship with Christ.

 

Each day I try imperfectly to be and I am always forgiven by his grace...not once or twice but always. She has deeply fallen twice maybe more. This last affair was by definition a Split Life Affair. She fell emotionally to the point of considering leaving me. In these affairs which are perhaps the most dangerous she led 2 lives and was 2 people connected by layers of lies they also are often years apart in age:

 

https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/affair-type-5-the-split-self-affair/

 

My wife is a fallen woman of faith. Yes by her actions I am free to divorce. Yes I can break the bond of marriage before God with his blessing. But in John 8:7 his voice is also clear...and I am certainly not without sin. Friday was discovery and Saturday was her moment shared with me that she does not know which way to go. She had an open path to the OM. Sunday she sought counsel at the Church. She knows the OM is not a man of faith and never will be. He lost his faith with the loss of his wife. It is that cornerstone faith that bonds us that offers us the chance to be fully together as intended by our vows.

 

She has met with the OM. She is leaving the business. She stopped all contact with the OM except to dissolve her business interest and train the team all of which will be done by phone. We for the first time(sadly) are doing counseling together to complement her individual counseling. She feels free and wants to reset her life with purpose of healing us,family,and outreach. She is now at her parents..her Mom has early dementia time out of town is needed for us both.

 

What I hear often in this thread is the word weakness or maybe I am a lamb I in a world of wolves. But I do know that each day I need to try an be just a little bit more like him...if that is weakness then that is a term in humanistic application. Reading and studying the world is easy...living the word in the most crushing moments of your life is the deepest test you can have. And yes I carry deep aching pain at all levels and our marriage will work with his blessing and our dedication or he has another plan.

 

I do need to offer this insight. For those first timers understand what type of affair it is(see above link) there are multiple types. I didn't do that and we did no counseling and with my approval I placed her back with the OM. I thought the fear of losing their business would be enough to take the gift and not return to their affair. She/We need to understand the drug or cheaters high is like being an alcoholic and treated as such. She fails to replace what is missing in our marriage and that must be reset inwards to our bond betterment.

 

So like God often does in our life he brings us back full circle to the same challenge to learn and grow and with his lead allow us to be closer to him and maybe live in some small way like him..he is still after us and for that I am deeply grateful and happy.

 

For some not in the word my journey and direction may seen shallow misguided and asking to be hurt and crushed again and if it is his will then it shall be.But I will not let her go or our marriage without my full measure of effort and support to make this marriage last...and I have not done that and she knows her steps must be all in..all in.

 

Thank you all for the support and kindness and wisdom..!

[road]

WW will be F'ing the OM again once the dust settles.

 

There is no need for the WW to have contact with the

OM. All sales talks can be handled by a lawyer.

 

WW does not need to train anyone. The OM can handle

the training himself.

 

Last another reason WW will be doin her OM again is

because you are refusing to move far away from the

OM. You are keeping the WW near triggers to keep

her affair memories from fading which feeds her addiction

to her OM.

 

Lastly, this OM like all OM do not like to give up getting

free sex from their AP's. When the OM feels the dust has

settled and you have stopped being vigilant is when the

OM comes back looking to see if he can get lucky again.

[Dopedog]

You are a doormat. Your wife doesn't respect you. I am not trying to be a jerk, but your wife has cheated on you multiple times with no REAL consequences. She will continue doing this because ultimately you keep rug sweeping.

 

Even IF you want to reconcile you should file for a divorce. Because you should show her your serious and that it is an option for you. If not she is going to continue sleeping around and make you the town cuckold.

 

At this point you know she is cheating, has done it multiple times and if you do not file for divorce, you are just accepting it. You should demand a polygraph and find out if there were other men. You can always tell your attorney to stop the divorce if she takes the polygraph and starts counseling with you.

[ablankslate]

WW will be F'ing the OM again once the dust settles.

 

There is no need for the WW to have contact with the

OM. All sales talks can be handled by a lawyer.

 

WW does not need to train anyone. The OM can handle

the training himself.

 

Last another reason WW will be doin her OM again is

because you are refusing to move far away from the

OM. You are keeping the WW near triggers to keep

her affair memories from fading which feeds her addiction

to her OM.

 

Lastly, this OM like all OM do not like to give up getting

free sex from their AP's. When the OM feels the dust has

settled and you have stopped being vigilant is when the

OM comes back looking to see if he can get lucky again.

 

This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

 

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.

[ablankslate]

You are a doormat. Your wife doesn't respect you. I am not trying to be a jerk, but your wife has cheated on you multiple times with no REAL consequences. She will continue doing this because ultimately you keep rug sweeping.

 

Even IF you want to reconcile you should file for a divorce. Because you should show her your serious and that it is an option for you. If not she is going to continue sleeping around and make you the town cuckold.

 

At this point you know she is cheating, has done it multiple times and if you do not file for divorce, you are just accepting it. You should demand a polygraph and find out if there were other men. You can always tell your attorney to stop the divorce if she takes the polygraph and starts counseling with you.

 

Thank you and understand your doormat perspective and legalistic next steps and threats...that is an avenue but having read about the doormat that I am do you think that is the answer for me in faith?

 

We both replies they seem so grounded in sex..that has never been a problem in our marriage ever...this is about filling emotional vacancy outside our marriage again read a split life affair it is prototype.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Thank you and understand your doormat perspective and legalistic next steps and threats...that is an avenue but having read about the doormat that I am do you think that is the answer for me in faith?

 

We both replies they seem so grounded in sex..that has never been a problem in our marriage ever...this is about filling emotional vacancy outside our marriage again read a split life affair it is prototype.

 

So, your a cuckhold then. You don't like the word "doormat" but use "faith" to cover it up. Hate to mention it but yeah...Your wife IS about the sex with the OM. She doesn't even regard you enough to look back the 20 years and see "marriage". She only sees a need that is not being met. This younger guy gives excitement and relationship due to working together. You are the dependable house warmer...

Think of it this way. Your WW just broke the promise to God of "one man and one woman" brought together as one, in the hopes of fulfilling God's promise and covenant. To be fruitful and multiply. The minute she steps outside the marriage, the grace is gone. And YOU know this. She does not value the marriage. She is sorry she got caught and wants to keep the "security" of you around, as you are familiar and predictable. That is all. I am truly sorry for this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[BluesPower]

First to everyone who has taken the time and provided guidance and opinions I am so deep thankful...perspective from each of you is a gift. I have been given a lot in my life with 3 amazing children and 2 new grandchildren and a deep relationship with Christ.

 

Each day I try imperfectly to be and I am always forgiven by his grace...not once or twice but always. She has deeply fallen twice maybe more. This last affair was by definition a Split Life Affair. She fell emotionally to the point of considering leaving me. In these affairs which are perhaps the most dangerous she led 2 lives and was 2 people connected by layers of lies they also are often years apart in age:

 

https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/affair-type-5-the-split-self-affair/

 

My wife is a fallen woman of faith. Yes by her actions I am free to divorce. Yes I can break the bond of marriage before God with his blessing. But in John 8:7 his voice is also clear...and I am certainly not without sin. Friday was discovery and Saturday was her moment shared with me that she does not know which way to go. She had an open path to the OM. Sunday she sought counsel at the Church. She knows the OM is not a man of faith and never will be. He lost his faith with the loss of his wife. It is that cornerstone faith that bonds us that offers us the chance to be fully together as intended by our vows.

 

She has met with the OM. She is leaving the business. She stopped all contact with the OM except to dissolve her business interest and train the team all of which will be done by phone. We for the first time(sadly) are doing counseling together to complement her individual counseling. She feels free and wants to reset her life with purpose of healing us,family,and outreach. She is now at her parents..her Mom has early dementia time out of town is needed for us both.

 

What I hear often in this thread is the word weakness or maybe I am a lamb I in a world of wolves. But I do know that each day I need to try an be just a little bit more like him...if that is weakness then that is a term in humanistic application. Reading and studying the world is easy...living the word in the most crushing moments of your life is the deepest test you can have. And yes I carry deep aching pain at all levels and our marriage will work with his blessing and our dedication or he has another plan.

 

I do need to offer this insight. For those first timers understand what type of affair it is(see above link) there are multiple types. I didn't do that and we did no counseling and with my approval I placed her back with the OM. I thought the fear of losing their business would be enough to take the gift and not return to their affair. She/We need to understand the drug or cheaters high is like being an alcoholic and treated as such. She fails to replace what is missing in our marriage and that must be reset inwards to our bond betterment.

 

So like God often does in our life he brings us back full circle to the same challenge to learn and grow and with his lead allow us to be closer to him and maybe live in some small way like him..he is still after us and for that I am deeply grateful and happy.

 

For some not in the word my journey and direction may seen shallow misguided and asking to be hurt and crushed again and if it is his will then it shall be.But I will not let her go or our marriage without my full measure of effort and support to make this marriage last...and I have not done that and she knows her steps must be all in..all in.

 

Thank you all for the support and kindness and wisdom..!

 

Like you, at one time I was a man of Christ, I am not any more.

 

You are still sound young so I just want to post to your thread and tell you a little about my experiences.

 

I was married for 26 years to a woman that used me from the day that we met. All she saw was a man that was, at the time a rock star, educated, with high earning potential, basically good breeding stock. She had 2 affairs on my and she was also mentally ill. To top it all off, she was a drug addict for 20 of our 26 years of marriage. She managed to keep the drug addiction hidden and lied to me almost the entire marriage. And know this, I am not a fool, but I was for her, because I loved her.

 

Because of the way that I was raised and my beliefs at the time, I put up with more crap than you can even imagine.

 

I finally figured out what was actually going on with her after I had a stroke, from all the stress of the last 20 years. I could have died, but I recovered. But the stroke allowed me to have some clarity something I had not had for years. It allowed me to think and figure out what had been going on.

 

Being her care taker, raising 3 kids alone, and being the sole breadwinner almost killed me.

 

We are almost finished with the divorce.

 

What you need to understand, is that I wasted half of my life, being with a woman that never really loved me. I thought that I could fix any problems that we had, if I had faith, and if I was strong enough.

 

Well, guess what, it did not work that way.

 

One other thing that you need to understand is that your wife has ZERO respect for you and probably very little love.

 

She is not a fallen woman of Christ, she never was a woman of Christ. And most likely she never will be.

 

You, being young, and foolish, did absolutely everything wrong the first time that you caught her cheating. I get it, I did that as well.

 

But after read on LS and other places, if you will admit it to yourself, you know that I am right about what I am saying about your wife.

 

You already gave her a second chance and you should not give her a third. You my brother a being foolish and it will bit you in the butt.

 

What you need to do, is divorce her, ask her for an insane settlement in your favor, have her rent her own place, and she can court you again and you can decide if you want to be with her. But, no offense, you are too weak to do that.

 

I predict that you will regret this in less than five years, if you stay with her.

 

I hate to be all gloom and doom on you, but I would like to save someone from wasting their lives like I did.

[Cephalopod]

I'm afraid I do have to agree with the others. And I disagree with you that these were two different types of affairs. This was one ongoing affair that never stopped. You must stop trying to explain away everything your wife has done.

 

 

I'm not going to call you a cuckold, because I see nowhere where you condoned any of her behavior or accepted it. Cuckold is a cruel word and I do not believe it fits in this situation.

 

 

But I do think you are fooling yourself if you think this is the end of her adultery. She has developed a taste for stepping outside the marriage and she has made it clear that you alone are not enough to satisfy her sexual greed.

 

 

Ask her this, the next time you see her: if the two of you divorced, would she still be a church-going, pious Christian woman? Would she continue searching herself and her faith to rid herself of this sin if you were no longer in the picture?

 

 

You need to find out if she is doing the church thing because she is expected to do so as your wife, or because she actually loves God and wants to walk upright with or without you. I don't see where she really wants this.

[aliveagain]

You know what's best for you after all, what about your daughter, she knows your history. One of the things that is often said on infidelity sites is your best predictor of your future together is to look at your past, your history together. She knows she can get away with just about anything and you will keep taking her back. She's 46, what's the worst, you share her with O/M for another 25 years until she's not as desirable to other men? You have been in infidelity so long it has become your normal.

 

You certainly know your scriptures, perhaps you should remind your wife that adultery is still the only deadly sin that is mentioned in the bible twice, once for thinking about doing it and once for doing it. As long as she still makes you proud to be her husband why change things right? Your daughter is a different story, who knows what you have taught her. We see things differently then you, we see someone that has schemed and plotted with other men against you. It takes great cunning and a lot of planning to carry on affairs for years. I would be willing to bet she went to church with you every Sunday while this deception was going on.

[Crazelnut]

I am also a believer, but I do not believe that a loving God wants you to live in misery with an evil woman. Forgive her, for sure. We are required to do that. But forgiveness doesn’t require you to stay married to her. Forgive her for all the ways she has hurt you, and then let her go work on her own relationship with the Lord. She will continue to break her sacred vows to you — you have to see that! God doesn’t require you to stay with a vow-breaker. Maybe He wants you to be happy in a relationship. Do you really think He wants you to be miserable and hurt and betrayed for the rest of your life?! I do not.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I did not mean to offend here. He does have enough negativity to last a lifetime right now. And I do apologize. I just personally hate when one does not stand up for themselves as a form of self loathing and weird gratification and use "faith" to wrap themselves up to make it look better. It's just not for me. No ill will intended. Peace.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect to your beliefs, I do believe that religion is too often used to defend and excuse a multitude of sins.

 

You have made your decision. I respect that, and I do hope that things work our for your family. Best wishes.

[notbroken]

Your 'wife' has lost all respect for you. By not divorcing her for the second time (? - serious doubts that's it only the second) she thinks you are even weaker than she previously did. No woman can respect a man that tolerates her cheating without any serious repurcussions. That's the sad hard truth. You can not have a good marriage without respect. You have become a doormat and can expect more of the same cheating after the shock wears off from this and she gets bored again. I'm not saying this to be cruel. You should understand those dynamics.

 

You MUST earn her respect - and your own.

 

Honestly, at this point it seems like a lost cause for reconciliation. Too much damage and lack of respect for a successful marriage. If you do stay - tolerate ZERO and I mean ZERO from her that is out of line. You must.

[aliveagain]

With all due respect to your beliefs, I do believe that religion is too often used to defend and excuse a multitude of sins.

 

You have made your decision. I respect that, and I do hope that things work our for your family. Best wishes.

 

Everyone has the right to believe what they believe, many lives have been lost to defend your right. The only point I am trying to make is regardless of your beliefs, your wife's wanting to have sex with other men won out over any thoughts of hurting you her husband of 28 years, your daughter for the changes it could bring into her life and any religious beliefs you share as a couple. When someone has affairs for that many years it's not a mistake, it is absolutely premeditated and well thought out because she and her affair partners have to plan and work around your schedule.

 

She knows your religious beliefs but that wasn't enough to stop her from betraying you over and over again. Her partner was like a husband to her, you shared way more with him then you probably want to know(just read up on how long sperm can live). You had your same beliefs the first time she cheated on you, what's different now? How did that work out for you? Just as every cheater has a choice to cheat or not to cheat, every betrayed spouse has the choice to stay or leave infidelity. Just my opinion but I would stock up on condoms if I were you.

[BaileyB]

Everyone has the right to believe what they believe, many lives have been lost to defend your right. The only point I am trying to make is regardless of your beliefs, your wife's wanting to have sex with other men won out over any thoughts of hurting you her husband of 28 years, your daughter for the changes it could bring into her life and any religious beliefs you share as a couple. When someone has affairs for that many years it's not a mistake, it is absolutely premeditated and well thought out because she and her affair partners have to plan and work around your schedule.

 

She knows your religious beliefs but that wasn't enough to stop her from betraying you over and over again. Her partner was like a husband to her, you shared way more with him then you probably want to know(just read up on how long sperm can live). You had your same beliefs the first time she cheated on you, what's different now? How did that work out for you? Just as every cheater has a choice to cheat or not to cheat, every betrayed spouse has the choice to stay or leave infidelity. Just my opinion but I would stock up on condoms if I were you.

 

I don't disagree with a single word that you've said.

[GoldenR]

This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

 

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.

 

You're not seriously telling us that you don't believe that they had sex, are you?

 

Bc brother, they did. A lot of it. Every. Chance. They. Could.

 

And deep down, you know this is true.

[BarbedFenceRider]

The part that gilded me was that the daughter found out first. THAT would seriously put some potential violence into this. Even if she is older, doesn't matter. She is your progeny and true love. The fact that she witnessed her dad being spiritually / mentally trampled while this is going on has got to be thoroughly debilitating.

[BluesPower]

You sir, are delusional...

 

Originally Posted by ablankslate

This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

 

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.

 

You better lay off all the pop physiology. Affairs at some level are about sex.

 

He is probably better in bed than you are. Less uptight about sex. Introduced her to anal sex and she liked it. She gave him better BJ's than you will ever get.

 

Sure, they had a relationship, they had a nice emotional connection, and HE WAS NOT YOU.

 

Dude, I have been the other man before. They get a little attention and a couple of ILY's and they will do anything...ANYTHING.

 

I am begging you to wake up and see reality.

 

I bet she told you he was not bigger than you, he was. At his age he probably lasted longer than you as well.

 

IT WAS ABOUT SEX, PRIMAL, ANIMAL SEX...

[BaileyB]

The part that gilded me was that the daughter found out first. THAT would seriously put some potential violence into this. Even if she is older, doesn't matter. She is your progeny and true love. The fact that she witnessed her dad being spiritually / mentally trampled while this is going on has got to be thoroughly debilitating.

 

Indeed. That discovery will change their relationship forever and could have a tremendous impact on the daughter's future relationships/marriage.

 

How do you ever respect or trust your mother again after such a discovery.

[Cullenbohannon]

Blank slate.

 

No one on earth will be able to shake you from your faith, which is admirable. Since you rely on your faith for the answers to ALL your questions, what was the point of posting on this forum?

 

I am not questioning your right to post, just your reasoning to do so.

[lolablue17]

You're blinded by her gesture - "offering to leave the business". She is of course offering this only after being caught and threatened to be left by you. She didn't offer it a minute before, which implys that she is a good dealer.

 

I agree that this is a real gesture, and I believe she is honest with her motives right now. Your problem is not her current attitude, which is the right one when she feels shame and guilt. Your problem is YOU.

 

You overflow your words with words like "faith" and "god". This is how you find strength and the ability to forgive. But this approach works only with people that hold values like you. It doesn't work with dealers. It doesn't work with selfish traders who lead their way only according to "what's good for me, what's bad for me".

 

You have made up your mind, and I respect you very much. If you want an advice - In the future when you start feeling better, when things are back to normal with your wife, this is the time you should be alerted the most. Not now.

 

And when the "next time" arrives, You are always welcome here. I hope you will never need to come here again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cullen, that was exactly the question I was going to pose to the OP. He seems so immersed in his faith that he will keep turning the other cheek till they bleed but he will not budge from his position. With that a given, what was the need for him to come her and expose himself to the harsh glare of reality. I think I said in one of my earlier posts that one could fool someone once but the shame would devolve on oneself. However if one fooled that someone else the second time around then the shame would be on that someone else. The saying goes 'God helps those who help themselves'. It does'nt look like the OP is at all trying yo help himself.

 

Being a church going Christian did not stop his wife from having an affair which was physical. That speaks to the level of her faith. If she couldn't keep herself from enjoying sex with her AP before what is to stop her now? Her faith would not have become stronger. Paying lip service to your faith and regularly going to church do not make you a good person. My grandfather used to say many moons ago that it was not Christianity that people practised but Churchianity. Seems true in the case of the OP's wife. He is setting himself up for a monster load of pain in the future. His wife is NOT remorseful but only regrets she got caught. It is a simple case of flogging a dead horse. I am reminded of Zombie's case. Same syndrome. Best wishes.