Second Time Caught Same Man

[aliveagain]

First to each of you my deepest thanks for taking the time to respond with such insights...I just need to process and realize at this moment i am anything but thinking straight and without sleep last night. I asked her to leave last night and she is staying at a friends house...so I do have alone time for reflection and prayer.

 

Asking her to leave is a start, talk to your lawyer so you understand your rights, protect your finances. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. When you decided to give her a second chance you must have given her a consequence if you caught her cheating again, enforce it. You have been put in the position of being the runner up in your own marriage, she has shown you where her loyalties are, please believe her. You need to show your daughter and everyone that loves you that a cheating adulterous wife has no place in your life.

 

Start the process of separating your finances, don't finance her infidelity. Your lawyer will advise you with regards to their partnership and what or any claim you have to any part of it. She's been back banging him since last April, this is no simple relapse. Keep her out of your home so you are not distracted while you decide what is best for you. I just don't see this ending well for your marriage because right now your the only one in it. How does your daughter feel about this new discovery, what is her relationship with her mother like? Get tested, go meet with a lawyer. Your priority should be to take yourself out of infidelity. Sorry this has happened to you, again.

[newmoon]

i don't have any advice, i just think it's horrible you found out through your daughter originally. does that mean your daughter was also aware of your wife's cheating during the second-time affair? that's an awful thing for your daughter to go through and know and carry as a burden. you need to reflect on how it affects you and other members of the family if you stay. it sounds like you do love her but obviously the love isn't fully reciprocated. why be the only one doing the loving?

[Buckeye2]

Hi Buckeye, can you explain your last post? The OM is 18 years younger than the WW, so unless he is in an accident it is likely she will leave him a widower assuming she leaves her husband and settles down with the OM ( if he'll have her).

 

I misread it.

 

I might have jumped to the OM being older because his wife was dead.

[whichwayisup]

Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

 

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

 

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

 

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.

 

You caught her, she had no intention of ever coming clean. Do not give her another chance, she blew it. Your marriage ended the day she betrayed you again.

 

Your options - Divorce and grieve the loss. Stay together and give her another chance, she'll continue to cheat on you with him or someone else. Stay together but have an open marriage, this way you both can keep the house and your life together and have someone on the side to fulfill needs. (though I doubt you're that type of person, rightfully so). Stay together and always wonder if she's cheating on you...

 

No decisions have to made right now but she needs to suffer some major consequences. Kick her out and file for divorce (let her think you are). Tell her to go move in with the Widow'd man/business partner. that you are DONE and she can do as she pleases. If you allow her to stay she won't respect you, she'll push you around and wait it out like she did last time.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

[whichwayisup]

First to each of you my deepest thanks for taking the time to respond with such insights...I just need to process and realize at this moment i am anything but thinking straight and without sleep last night. I asked her to leave last night and she is staying at a friends house...so I do have alone time for reflection and prayer.

 

this is a good start, for her not to be at home. Don't allow her back for a while and IF you do, she has to quit her job, go total NC with the other man, go to counseling to fix what's broken inside of her and do counseling with you (use the same person for both). But right now there's no chance of fixing your marriage because she's in shock that she got busted again and probably is figuring out what to do next. I highly doubt there's NC there between them.

[GoldenR]

If he was closer to her age, she'd be gone.

 

Read what I put above. Read it a again. And again. Again.

 

Let it sink in.

 

So what happens if she finds someone closer to her own age, with all of the qualities that she likes about the OM?

 

Now tell me, what do you want to do?

[aliveagain]

[quote=ablankslate;7452329

 

[b]I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair [/b]with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

 

He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.

 

If she doesn't view this affair with her business partner as having long term potential what is she really saying to you about your relationship? She is destroying her marriage, her business and possibly her relationship with her daughter for something that she doesn't see lasting. She even went back for another 7 months of seconds. When you read on here for a while you will soon realize that there are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is at the top of the list. You need to talk to a lawyer. She does not value your relationship as much as you do. I agree with GoldenR, had their ages been closer she would have been gone. Show her the same respect she is showing you, 180, 180, 180.

[road]

[quote=ablankslate;7452329

 

[b]I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair [/b]with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

 

He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.

 

If she doesn't view this affair with her business partner as having long term potential what is she really saying to you about your relationship? She is destroying her marriage, her business and possibly her relationship with her daughter for something that she doesn't see lasting. She even went back for another 7 months of seconds. When you read on here for a while you will soon realize that there are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is at the top of the list. You need to talk to a lawyer. She does not value your relationship as much as you do. I agree with GoldenR, had their ages been closer she would have been gone. Show her the same respect she is showing you, 180, 180, 180.

 

 

She went back to the OM because this BH did not do what

is required of him to kill an affair and put in place boundaries

to prevent the affair from restarting.

 

People here forget that affair's create highly addictive brain

chemistry. This BH by letting his WW have contact after D day

is why the affair restarted.

 

Do you bring cocaine home when you have a crack addict living

there?

 

Do you bring home beer when you have an alcoholic living there?

 

Do you let a WW still have contact with her OM after you discover

their affair?

 

The answer to all three is, no!

 

A marriage cannot recover unless proper boundaries are established.

This BH did not do the work and did not require his WW to do her

required work after D day.

 

Unless this BH puts his foot down then he will be better off divorced.

[aliveagain]

Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

 

 

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.

 

It is because of these two quotes that I chose not to come down on you for damage already done. We were all afraid of loosing our spouses when we discovered their infidelities. Finding out that you have been in false reconciliation all this time and that their affair never ended is even worse then the original discovery. They must have had some interesting conversations about their deception between themselves. Her devotion is to the O/M and not you and your daughter, her actions are premeditated and very clear. She never took your ultimatum seriously so you need to see her actions for what they are or you will be back here one day finding excuses for her actions after her 4th or 5th chance.

 

Doesn't sound like she did much work in finding out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat(independent counselling with a professional who has experience with infidelity). You can't draw your line in the sand then move it every time she steps over it. It makes you look weak and that is not an attractive trait to women. She has put your health at risk, they always lie about using protection(sperm can live up to 5 days in a woman's vagina). You deserve better then this, who wants to worry all day about what their wife and O/M are doing at their office? She has proven more then once if the opportunity arises and she thinks she can cheat and get away with it she will act on it. You will never feel safe. I know what I would do in this situation but I am not you. Her word means nothing so stop believing the sh*t that comes out of her mouth.

Edited October 29, 2017 by aliveagain

[usa1ah]

Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

 

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

 

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

 

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.

 

Here is the problem. You are not the love of her life. She would never have done this to you if you were. She might love and care for you in a way but it’s not as a lover and husband.

[Marc878]

Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

 

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

 

All cheaters lie a lot. It was a sexual affair. Admitted kissing in an affair always = sex.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

 

The affair never stopped. Cheaters lie a lot.

 

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

 

Very naive on your part. You let her stay and have contact with her lover. Big mistake

 

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.

 

It's obvious you want the marriage more than she does. She had no consequences so that enabled the affair to continue.

 

Your Mr Nice Guy attitude will just get you walked on.

 

You'd better wake up to where she and you have put yourself. If you don't you'll get to go through this again.

 

As you've seen just because you found out didn't mean it stopped.

 

You cannot trust her or anything she says. They are just words.

[Marc878]

I just looked back at your previous threads from years back.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater. They don't change.

 

You don't want divorce so you'll have to accept you will always be cheated on.

 

You've apparently accepted this so you have what you have. If you expect her to change you'll be in for more disappointment and pain. At this point it's self inflicted. Unfortunately that is your future.

 

She's lied, hid and manipulated you for years and all you do is take it.

[usa1ah]

I just looked back at your previous threads from years back.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater. They don't change.

 

You don't want divorce so you'll have to accept you will always be cheated on.

 

You've apparently accepted this so you have what you have. If you expect her to change you'll be in for more disappointment and pain. At this point it's self inflicted. Unfortunately that is your future.

 

She's lied, hid and manipulated you for years and all you do is take it.

 

Spot on!

 

I guess this explains the first part of the thread.

 

If this is the life the OP wants there is nothing further to say.

[afoolto no end]

I think you just need to give yourself a bit of time, keep her out for the time being.

From the outside it doesn't look like she loves you or respects you or your marriage. Just the facts by her actions and then continuing behind your back all the while knowing what it would do to you, there was no mistake in any of this.

None of this is your fault or the marriages fault, it is just who she is.

I know you love her and it wasn't your choice but sometimes we just don't get a choice in who choses to do what to our lives, they just do it without any consideration for us.

I think no more chances at this point, you drew your line the last time, I would expose the affair to everyone important to her and him.

Let her take the brunt of her choices, let that reality hit her square in the face this time with no help or forgiveness from you, not this time, let her feel every thing.

I would start separating your lives to protect yourself and your children.

Separate your financials.

She needs to know you have had it. Be strong and just let her see you moving on. Mean it.

File for divorce....

If by some miracle she has proved herself over the next few years that she is worth that 3rd chance you can weigh it out then.

Don't kid yourself the OM didn't sign up to keep her permanently, he was just in it for the fun....why not, you let her keep working with him, that is step number one to proving she will change.....the OM is totally out of her world, no seeing no talking to him ever again...If she isn't willing that should tell you who she has chosen.

Your heart will break the rest of your days if you don't stand up for what is right for you and your family, this is not teaching your children anything good about marriage.

Let them see you not accepting this kind of disrespect from anyone, let them decide themselves how they feel about her....that is not your problem either now.

Your job is you and your children and protecting yourself from anymore disrespect from her on any level, you cannot trust her word ever.....

good luck

Edited October 29, 2017 by afoolto no end

[aliveagain]

I just looked back at your previous threads from years back.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater. They don't change.

 

You don't want divorce so you'll have to accept you will always be cheated on.

 

You've apparently accepted this so you have what you have. If you expect her to change you'll be in for more disappointment and pain. At this point it's self inflicted. Unfortunately that is your future.

 

She's lied, hid and manipulated you for years and all you do is take it.

 

I too went and looked at your history of being cuckolded by your serial cheating wife. She knows you will never leave her cheating a$$ so why quit? She has humiliated you and your daughter but you just keep taking it. It is clear to me that if you want out of infidelity you will have to get rid of the cause or just learn to settle for the occasional hand out from your wife. This is your life until you decide to change it. As I posted on another thread, there are 3.5 billion women in the world and this is the best you can do, really? Your friends must know and my guess is you've lost some of their respect for you because of your inaction.

 

Seriously friend, what you have been doing to date has changed nothing, she humiliates you. You need to change the way you interact with this woman before you catch some horrible disease. Let your lawyer deal with her because you seem unable to stand up to her. If this sounds a little harsh it is being written by one who is angry for you and not at you. You need to find the strength to blow up her dirty little world. I get the loneliness in your post, I had a very hard time describing it to others when I was going through it. Just to be clear, you have a lot of friends here who want to see you through this trauma. There is no saving this without you loosing yourself. Time to get out my friend, get your dignity back, you have suffered enough of this woman.

[harrybrown]

Did she ever confess about the possible affair with the man that coached the daughter's sport team?

 

She is a serial cheater.

 

File for D now.

[Chi townD]

I don't know, dude. She cheated on you once (and lied about it. She told you it was emotional and just a "little kissing", but now you know better) and she took your trust and your second chance and she betrayed you again!

 

And NOW she's serious about your marriage?!?!? Nah; sorry, you gave her a chance. You gave her a shot to get it right and she disrespects you and your family. There needs to be consequences to her actions and you keep giving her "get out of jail free" cards.

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do. If anything, I think you need to start doing the 180. Look it up, I think it may help you.

[Zahara]

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage.

 

The only reason she said the above is because of the below -- she got caught.

 

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017.

[Cobra_X]

He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce.

 

Ok... so this guy is 38 years younger than her and you guys have been together for 28 years. If you married her at 20 and are now 48, which means this guy is 28 and your wife is 66? Did I miss something?

 

You have enough life left to live. Take half her company and everything else... maybe you can find a better woman. Maybe one that isn't on social security.

[Cephalopod]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times?

[gpete3008]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

 

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

 

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

 

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

 

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

 

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

 

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.

 

The first time may have been a mistake. It is highly doubtful. The second time was a deceitful, pre-meditated conspiracy to undermine and disregard the integrity, honor and sanctity of the marriage.

 

8 or 28 years, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. She does not respect her husband and their marriage. She only respects the consequences of her actions as she was caught. It was b/c she was caught that she 'appears' remorseful...AGAIN.

 

The bible provides an avenue of divorce for adultery/fornication.

[ablankslate]

First to everyone who has taken the time and provided guidance and opinions I am so deep thankful...perspective from each of you is a gift. I have been given a lot in my life with 3 amazing children and 2 new grandchildren and a deep relationship with Christ.

 

Each day I try imperfectly to be and I am always forgiven by his grace...not once or twice but always. She has deeply fallen twice maybe more. This last affair was by definition a Split Life Affair. She fell emotionally to the point of considering leaving me. In these affairs which are perhaps the most dangerous she led 2 lives and was 2 people connected by layers of lies they also are often years apart in age:

 

https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/affair-type-5-the-split-self-affair/

 

My wife is a fallen woman of faith. Yes by her actions I am free to divorce. Yes I can break the bond of marriage before God with his blessing. But in John 8:7 his voice is also clear...and I am certainly not without sin. Friday was discovery and Saturday was her moment shared with me that she does not know which way to go. She had an open path to the OM. Sunday she sought counsel at the Church. She knows the OM is not a man of faith and never will be. He lost his faith with the loss of his wife. It is that cornerstone faith that bonds us that offers us the chance to be fully together as intended by our vows.

 

She has met with the OM. She is leaving the business. She stopped all contact with the OM except to dissolve her business interest and train the team all of which will be done by phone. We for the first time(sadly) are doing counseling together to complement her individual counseling. She feels free and wants to reset her life with purpose of healing us,family,and outreach. She is now at her parents..her Mom has early dementia time out of town is needed for us both.

 

What I hear often in this thread is the word weakness or maybe I am a lamb I in a world of wolves. But I do know that each day I need to try an be just a little bit more like him...if that is weakness then that is a term in humanistic application. Reading and studying the world is easy...living the word in the most crushing moments of your life is the deepest test you can have. And yes I carry deep aching pain at all levels and our marriage will work with his blessing and our dedication or he has another plan.

 

I do need to offer this insight. For those first timers understand what type of affair it is(see above link) there are multiple types. I didn't do that and we did no counseling and with my approval I placed her back with the OM. I thought the fear of losing their business would be enough to take the gift and not return to their affair. She/We need to understand the drug or cheaters high is like being an alcoholic and treated as such. She fails to replace what is missing in our marriage and that must be reset inwards to our bond betterment.

 

So like God often does in our life he brings us back full circle to the same challenge to learn and grow and with his lead allow us to be closer to him and maybe live in some small way like him..he is still after us and for that I am deeply grateful and happy.

 

For some not in the word my journey and direction may seen shallow misguided and asking to be hurt and crushed again and if it is his will then it shall be.But I will not let her go or our marriage without my full measure of effort and support to make this marriage last...and I have not done that and she knows her steps must be all in..all in.

 

Thank you all for the support and kindness and wisdom..!

[road]

WW will be F'ing the OM again once the dust settles.

 

There is no need for the WW to have contact with the

OM. All sales talks can be handled by a lawyer.

 

WW does not need to train anyone. The OM can handle

the training himself.

 

Last another reason WW will be doin her OM again is

because you are refusing to move far away from the

OM. You are keeping the WW near triggers to keep

her affair memories from fading which feeds her addiction

to her OM.

 

Lastly, this OM like all OM do not like to give up getting

free sex from their AP's. When the OM feels the dust has

settled and you have stopped being vigilant is when the

OM comes back looking to see if he can get lucky again.

[Dopedog]

You are a doormat. Your wife doesn't respect you. I am not trying to be a jerk, but your wife has cheated on you multiple times with no REAL consequences. She will continue doing this because ultimately you keep rug sweeping.

 

Even IF you want to reconcile you should file for a divorce. Because you should show her your serious and that it is an option for you. If not she is going to continue sleeping around and make you the town cuckold.

 

At this point you know she is cheating, has done it multiple times and if you do not file for divorce, you are just accepting it. You should demand a polygraph and find out if there were other men. You can always tell your attorney to stop the divorce if she takes the polygraph and starts counseling with you.