He's broke, with a capital 'B!'

[heavenonearth]

Our first date lasted about 8 hours and the 2nd lasted even longer. If I didn't think we had a connection I wouldn't be hanging around. I'm not sure how you tied to two together.

 

Perhaps because this whole post through you write without complete emotion. It does not come across at all that you guys had a spark or that you had any genuine feelings for him.

[normal person]

No, you're completely missing the point. She said she'd date him but wouldn't be exclusive until he changed. That's the issue I have. That's not accepting somebody as they are, it's accepting them with conditions.

 

My thought is she should move on, not back burner him until he meets whatever conditions are deemed reasonable to her.

 

Well yeah, there are conditions. But he gets time to get his act together, and she's not wasting her time committing to only him in the event that he doesn't. It's not necessarily conventional, but it's practical. I don't see any problem with two adults consenting to something that doesn't hurt anyone, but that's just me.

[coolheadal]

I wouldn't say that he's hot. He's actually quite nerdy It has nothing to do with this looks. I liked the fact that he was open and honest with me about what's going on in his life. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed to lay those cards out on the table but I think he did it because is actually interested in connecting with me. I see several qualities in him that could make him a quality partner. That's the reason I changed my mind about it.

 

Financial problems can happen to anyone and they don't last forever... unless you're not motivated to fix the problem. I think it's fair to give him chance. If he's not making moves then I know he's not serious about his personal goals and I'll be moving on.

 

He can get job without any GED, just have to have a clean record. Lot places like UPS, FedEx and Amazon Fulfillment Centers are hiring. He needs to get himself together and want to work. No excuse for him not too. You can't support a lazy guy. Why bother to go on any more dates. You'll have to foot the bill always. Or you just take care of him and don't care about the money. Love means more than money you know. But you really don't know him, but you have that extra feeling about him right. So now you have met the man you are suppose to be with, we all don't even know this until it smacks us in the face or we say dang!

[Gaeta]

We got to talking and he tells me he's taking an online course to get a real estate license,

 

I would like to know how old he is ?

 

What did he do for living before ending up at his brother?

 

To me, his plan to get back on his feet isn't realistic. It's really hard to make a living in the real estate business. He has no experience, he's got an online course so not even learning in the field, it won't give him stability and a weekley pay check. Does he have contact in the field? does he have a team ready to take him in when he gets his course?

 

I would have better hope in this man if he was taking a course in something that will garantee him a job and a paycheck.

 

Is he one of those guys that go from dream-job to dream-job and never finish or accomplish something concrete?

[Versacehottie]

I wouldn't say that he's hot. He's actually quite nerdy It has nothing to do with this looks. I liked the fact that he was open and honest with me about what's going on in his life. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed to lay those cards out on the table but I think he did it because is actually interested in connecting with me. I see several qualities in him that could make him a quality partner. That's the reason I changed my mind about it.

 

Financial problems can happen to anyone and they don't last forever... unless you're not motivated to fix the problem. I think it's fair to give him chance. If he's not making moves then I know he's not serious about his personal goals and I'll be moving on.

 

I feel both sides of the discussion. Very cool donnivan's story and something to keep in mind. My bff met her now husband when she was 22 and he didn't seem like he had a lot more than normal (except a bunch of roommates!!!); he was 24 and a millionaire within about 3 years of when they met (and then even more). She married him at two years because she loved him and whenever he gets out of line we tease him that we liked him better without money (idk, bonds are made in those times based on character and that's really how you should be choosing--such as the moral of donnivan's story). My on-off college bf had one of the worst cars of anyone I knew and not as much money as a lot of the other guys but would give me rides in that car in a cute way and we were always really close--i just really like him for him. He became a good lawyer and tried to get back together with me saying now girls just want him for his money but he knew I always liked him even when he had nothing (which is true). We are still friends and i tease him sometimes (with a hint of truth) when he gets out of line that I liked him better with the sh*tty car (in a flirty, fun way). There is one really good quote about the measure of a man that I will try to find.

 

On the other side of the discussion, I just think that maybe this guy is not at the right time in his life where he should be dating. (i think you said you met online?). If he met you in real life, well I can understand not wanting to let an opportunity pass him by. If he is seeking dating without the means to do it properly or creatively, then he's really putting all his dates in an uncomfortable position. Someone in his financial position maybe shouldn't be going OUT, let alone dating. There are two elements at play; the level of his generosity, gentlemeness and his actual ability to pay. If he is a generous spirit but just has inability to pay, I would probably keep giving him a chance (or like someone said, tell him to take that 3 months and get back to you). If he has a stingy spirit and believes in splitting things 50/50 or taking advantage if it exists which doesn't seem to coincide with your thoughts on how you like to be dated, then let him go. I think this is pretty easy to decipher.

 

BTW 3 months away sounds a little ambitious to improve his financial situation significantly but as long as you see him putting real effort to better himself, that's a good thing as it is attractive in and of itself. Good luck

[meeji]

I would like to know how old he is ?

 

What did he do for living before ending up at his brother?

 

To me, his plan to get back on his feet isn't realistic. It's really hard to make a living in the real estate business. He has no experience, he's got an online course so not even learning in the field, it won't give him stability and a weekley pay check. Does he have contact in the field? does he have a team ready to take him in when he gets his course?

 

I would have better hope in this man if he was taking a course in something that will garantee him a job and a paycheck.

 

Is he one of those guys that go from dream-job to dream-job and never finish or accomplish something concrete?

 

That is my concern.

 

Years before, he worked in food service. He switched from that to freelance work. The freelance thing failed miserably and now he's joined Lyft/Uber.

I just don't want to stuck with someone who has big ideas and pipe dreams that never amount to anything. I do know that real estate is hard for that first year. I'm not expecting him to sell property in the next 3 months. More like he can find a job with a steady paycheck so that he can rent his own apartment. I'd be find with a roommate situation too...

 

He did tell me today that he's going to be driving most of the weekend. I don't know him well so I'm not sure if this is a guy who's fallen on hard times or has a history of relying on others to bail him out. We'll know after some time has passed.

[meeji]

BTW 3 months away sounds a little ambitious to improve his financial situation significantly but as long as you see him putting real effort to better himself, that's a good thing as it is attractive in and of itself. Good luck

 

I'm 33. He's 30, single (never married), no children, no pets, no mortgages. I think most people can get 1: A job and 2: an apartment in 3 months (even if it's with a roommate). We're not talking financial stability in the sense of bouncing back from a home foreclosure or agreeing on a divorce settlement.

[TheWoman]

A good relationship with a future does not start out with these types of thoughts in my experience. I think you should end it and look for someone who has the financial situation you want. Your comments to him could be quite damaging to his self esteem too, which he does not need right now. Hanging around waiting to see if he gets good enough for you, whilst looking for someone else at the same time, is selfish.

[Art_Critic]

A good relationship with a future does not start out with these types of thoughts in my experience. I think you should end it and look for someone who has the financial situation you want. Your comments to him could be quite damaging to his self esteem too, which he does not need right now. Hanging around waiting to see if he gets good enough for you, whilst looking for someone else at the same time, is selfish.

 

I agree with this, the other issue I feel is that if they date and he achieves the bar she has set what will be the next bar, it's been my experience that the bar will be reset higher or different and she will always be disappointed in him and at the sacrifice of his self esteem.

 

It's great she is doing the due diligence but it seems they are just not a match.

[Gaeta]

Your comments to him could be quite damaging to his self esteem too, which he does not need right now. Hanging around waiting to see if he gets good enough for you, whilst looking for someone else at the same time, is selfish.

 

I agree 100% with this. I find it condescending to this man to tell him she'll date him un-exclusively for 3 months and see his progress.

 

I think it would have been best if she just tell him she understands his situation and she'll let him get back on his feel and they can get back in touch early 2018. To me that approach would have been less condescending.

[Cersei]

This is not the type of man I would be interested in. I had one of those. He was a dilusional dreamer. If one person has more money and perhaps more drive to succeed the differences will surface. This may not happen in your case but I think it will.

 

Let's go to a concert! No money.

Let's go for dinner! No money.

 

I say let him go and 6 months (ish) from now see where he is at.

[Chilli]

Too lenient , what's you kidding.

You sound like his wife already and all his had outa ya is a date or two.

 

l'd be off like a bull out of a gate if l was him and l certainly wouldn't be jumping through any hoops for a women acting like that .

And he'd be under enough self pressure as it is without having some women he doesn't even know putting bs like that on him.

 

l don;t even know why your bothering anyway seems as you say you have so many options because you couldn't even like him very much if you wanna go on seeing other guys .

Edited October 28, 2017 by Chilli

[Gaeta]

If I had lost everything to the point of living at my brother I would NOT be online looking for a BF. I'd be going through a life crisis that requires all of my time and energy to get back on my feet. I would wait to be back on track to seek a BF.

 

If this man has no embarassment being online in his current situation I think it's because it's a normal thing for him to be in this situation.

[coolheadal]

This is not the type of man I would be interested in. I had one of those. He was a dilusional dreamer. If one person has more money and perhaps more drive to succeed the differences will surface. This may not happen in your case but I think it will.

 

Let's go to a concert! No money.

Let's go for dinner! No money.

 

I say let him go and 6 months (ish) from now see where he is at.

 

Why not share it's just money. I work hard for mine, but I've with women who live off the local state government hands outs like Section 8 and EBT. These two are racket if you ask me. So many steal from these two. This has a very long page thread about a guy with no money. She has money take him out. RE is going for is commission base only still that not steady work, if people don't buy the house or it fall through he won't make a dime. Driving his car around like a taxi is a poor man dream. If you want to be with him even if you don't care that he doesn't have much. Remember the time when you didn't have much and I be you struggle as well.

 

Sounds like you want to be with Mr Broke on his luck, if not they why drag this out go find another guy who has the money to take you if that's so important to you.

[normal person]

Why not share it's just money.

 

You say "it's just money" like money isn't a factor that governs and affects peoples' lives to an immense degree. People spend the majority of their waking hours trying to compete for and make it just to survive. So I think for you to casually suggest she just give hers away to someone else who doesn't do that is pretty myopic, unless I'm missing something.

 

I work hard for mine, but I've with women who live off the local state government hands outs like Section 8 and EBT.

 

Well that's convenient. Do they get off Section 8 or EBT when they start dating you? I doubt it. So you don't have to "share" your hard earned money these women -- you instead let the taxpayers "share" theirs -- but you still suggest the OP give this guy hers.

 

You're suggesting a scenario where one party benefits from the work of someone else, but not the other way around. If OP's guy doesn't have money, OP has to "share" hers with him and get nothing. If your girlfriends don't have money, people who work have to "share" their tax dollars with them and get nothing.

 

That's not "sharing," that's charity. I don't want to speak for OP, but I'm reluctant to think a woman at 30 can be attracted to a man who's basically a dependent or a charity case. I imagine she'd be resentful, if anything.

[smackie9]

If I had lost everything to the point of living at my brother I would NOT be online looking for a BF. I'd be going through a life crisis that requires all of my time and energy to get back on my feet. I would wait to be back on track to seek a BF.

 

If this man has no embarrassment being online in his current situation I think it's because it's a normal thing for him to be in this situation.

This was my thoughts exactly. Anyone who had their head screwed on straight would be focusing their time on what needs to be done, and saving their money. As an adult dating, you need to be bringing it to the table, proving you DO have something to offer. And we are not talking being a damn gold diggin b&^%$. We need someone who has their crap together, because you need that in order to have a healthy stable relationship. You don't want to be bringing your problems in, because that is what this guy is doing. He hasn't got his priorities straight.

[Imajerk17]

If this guy has all these problems and you met him online, I am wondering what he put in his profile

 

I'd say more likely than not this will not end well for you OP. Most guys who are unable to support themselves are too busy trying to get back on their feet, instead of trying to date. Self-respect--his situation is dire he has to have someone else provide the roof over his head and if he has his pride that has to be really hard to take, consideration--why foist this on a new partner, ect. It's a completely different situation from someone not making much money but still supporting himself.

 

 

Suppose that he isn't able to get his life in order after a few months, are you really going to be able to cut him loose, after sex and an emotional connection is involved?

Edited October 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Versacehottie]

If I had lost everything to the point of living at my brother I would NOT be online looking for a BF. I'd be going through a life crisis that requires all of my time and energy to get back on my feet. I would wait to be back on track to seek a BF.

 

If this man has no embarassment being online in his current situation I think it's because it's a normal thing for him to be in this situation.

 

Yes that's the part that worries me. For a good guy, I doubt being online would be on his priority list. He would forgo dating and being putting all his energy and time toward improving the base quality of his life so he could attract the best partner for himself and be in best position to move forward with that relationship. To me, my initial read on this guy is that he's not really the type to compromise, i.e. it'd be more prudent for a normal person who is "not in a ready to date" position to not do that rather than put himself and his dates in an uncomfortable position or not present his best self. He is directly putting himself out there and doesn't seem to mind much his personal embarrassment of saying he is broke or asking the date to split (on the first one!) vs just putting his dating or sexual needs on hold while he does what he says he is going to do job-wise that is if it is really his immediate goal. He's 30 and there is a difference between finding a job that pays better than he's got now and choosing a career and devoting himself to it.

 

If he hasn't mentioned a career path he's interested in and working toward, I'd worry that he has peter pan syndrome and that he's not truly relationship-minded at this point, like life partner minded, which is maybe why he feels ok being online because he is looking to "date" not necessarily settle down. It seems that OP might be in mindset where she is looking for life partner. To me, life stages might be different regardless of the fact that you both are close in age--which while may be exhibited by money stuff are far bigger than all of this and will affect the way he commits and moves through relationship stages. Anyway, just something to think about, it's beginning and maybe you just need to experience it and gather more concrete information of what he is about and what it is you seek for yourself.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, I don't think people should be out dating if they're not financially stable. Especially given that dating, in and of itself, is an expense. I understand not having a ton of disposable income to throw into dating but this guy doesn't have a job or a place to live. His priority needs to be getting his life and finances in order and not hitting up OLD sites.

[coolheadal]

You say "it's just money" like money isn't a factor that governs and affects peoples' lives to an immense degree. People spend the majority of their waking hours trying to compete for and make it just to survive. So I think for you to casually suggest she just give hers away to someone else who doesn't do that is pretty myopic, unless I'm missing something.

 

 

 

Well that's convenient. Do they get off Section 8 or EBT when they start dating you? I doubt it. So you don't have to "share" your hard earned money these women -- you instead let the taxpayers "share" theirs -- but you still suggest the OP give this guy hers.

 

You're suggesting a scenario where one party benefits from the work of someone else, but not the other way around. If OP's guy doesn't have money, OP has to "share" hers with him and get nothing. If your girlfriends don't have money, people who work have to "share" their tax dollars with them and get nothing.

 

That's not "sharing," that's charity. I don't want to speak for OP, but I'm reluctant to think a woman at 30 can be attracted to a man who's basically a dependent or a charity case. I imagine she'd be resentful, if anything.

 

If you like this guy she would do whatever she wanted to do even if he wasn't rich. Money is just a way to live today. Soon that won't be important. She has to decide what to do. Leave this guy for a guy who is stable and has enough money (working career). I say if you find your natural partner that your suppose to be with no matter how poor or rich they're it shouldn't matter. I do not follow the rules I'll date who I want you don't have to be rich to be my girl,

 

Don't have to Rich Video...

 

love conquers all

Edited October 28, 2017 by coolheadal

[normal person]

If you like this guy she would do whatever she wanted to do even if he wasn't rich.

 

What if his basic ability to provide a safe, comfortable, reasonably stress free life was questionable? Could that not affect how much she likes him?

 

Money is just a way to live today. Soon that won't be important.

 

If it's that unimportant, why don't you quit your job and give your money away?

 

I say if you find your natural partner that your suppose to be with no matter how poor or rich they're it shouldn't matter.

 

It "shouldn't" matter but it does. It's really simple to pretend life is a fairy tale where these things don't matter but in actuality, they have an incredibly large real world impact. Money has a gigantic power over your life and the things you can do in it. If you don't have money, you don't have the basic necessities of life: food, water, shelter, safety. If you don't have money, you can't (shouldn't) have children because you won't be able to provide them with an adequate upbringing. I can't believe I actually have to write this out.

 

Do you not think the choices someone makes in life that lead them to certain financial situations are a reflection of that person's judgment or intelligence? This guy has made decisions that have left him broke, yet he's spending money he doesn't have on dating and Starbucks, demonstrating a clear lack of acumen in at least one arena, but OP is supposed to overlook that because it "shouldn't" matter? Are those not criteria she can assess his character on? Call me shallow, but I think if someone can't grasp the basic life skills to survive comfortably at age 30, then there's no problem with continuing to look.

 

I do not follow the rules I'll date who I want you don't have to be rich to be my girl,

 

She never said the guy had to be rich. Is it too outrageous to expect him to have a home and a job?

 

love conquers all

 

Maybe I'm missing something but this seems like it requires a lengthier explanation. Can you describe how love can conquer hunger and poverty?

[smackie9]

Maybe she needs to talk to the girl that's dating the homeless guy for perspective......

[OatsAndHall]

If you like this guy she would do whatever she wanted to do even if he wasn't rich. Money is just a way to live today. Soon that won't be important. She has to decide what to do. Leave this guy for a guy who is stable and has enough money (working career). I say if you find your natural partner that your suppose to be with no matter how poor or rich they're it shouldn't matter. I do not follow the rules I'll date who I want you don't have to be rich to be my girl,

 

 

love conquers all

 

It's not a matter of wealth; it's a matter of a history financial instability. This guy is in his 30's and doesn't seem to have ever been truly financially stable or responsible. It's not like the dude has just hit a rough patch and is trying to get his stuff together; he's never really had it together. He doesn't need a college education or a six figure income; just a stable job and life so he can provide for himself. Life becomes very difficult when you're seeing someone who isn't financially responsible; been there, done that and I won't do it again.

 

And, as I posted above, dating shouldn't be a priority in this guy's life right now.

Edited October 28, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[coolheadal]

What if his basic ability to provide a safe, comfortable, reasonably stress free life was questionable? Could that not affect how much she likes him?

 

 

 

If it's that unimportant, why don't you quit your job and give your money away?

 

 

 

It "shouldn't" matter but it does. It's really simple to pretend life is a fairy tale where these things don't matter but in actuality, they have an incredibly large real world impact. Money has a gigantic power over your life and the things you can do in it. If you don't have money, you don't have the basic necessities of life: food, water, shelter, safety. If you don't have money, you can't (shouldn't) have children because you won't be able to provide them with an adequate upbringing. I can't believe I actually have to write this out.

 

Do you not think the choices someone makes in life that lead them to certain financial situations are a reflection of that person's judgment or intelligence? This guy has made decisions that have left him broke, yet he's spending money he doesn't have on dating and Starbucks, demonstrating a clear lack of acumen in at least one arena, but OP is supposed to overlook that because it "shouldn't" matter? Are those not criteria she can assess his character on? Call me shallow, but I think if someone can't grasp the basic life skills to survive comfortably at age 30, then there's no problem with continuing to look.

 

 

 

She never said the guy had to be rich. Is it too outrageous to expect him to have a home and a job?

 

 

 

Maybe I'm missing something but this seems like it requires a lengthier explanation. Can you describe how love can conquer hunger and poverty?

 

Oh my lord why is this going overboard like this. I really don't have to work, but it's something to do. What I know about money you can't take it with you can't sleep with, but that special someone in life can make a world of difference. For you to be here on LS you have to be making a living how else can you run your PC electric isn't cheap. Bills, food, gas, taxes, etc. you need money to live, yes I know that. But this guy is sort of working. How much should he have a month 1,000 sounds like what can muster. Yes love can bring you happiness, why would you say poverty, who's living on the streets, picking out food out trash. We're not even at the point. Your fishing for negatives here. I have to stop you right there it's a positive world I live in.

 

The guy is working as UBER driver or the lfty one same type of job. He can't apartment must have bad credit history, I don't like how we all have to live based on our credit history score. I say have the money in the bank and use DC or DCP as CC based on the money you have instead of giving out loans at high APR % based on your income level. Enough of that rant.

 

You date someone

They tell you they don't have any money

So your telling me your going to say see the door on your way out.

You could like then love this person first, what happens if you click.

You just never know who they are.

Not everyone lucky to have money some ask for help

Hopefully they'll pay you back if they can.

 

So your telling me you never struggle for money? I feel love can do more than the money can every do. Did you listen to the song, Money can't bring you happiness, but love for someone else can!

[normal person]

Oh my lord why is this going overboard like this. I really don't have to work, but it's something to do. What I know about money you can't take it with you can't sleep with, but that special someone in life can make a world of difference.

 

You don't think money can make a world of difference to someone who doesn't have any?

 

But this guy is sort of working.

 

Maybe she wants a guy whose income is more stable than "sort of."

 

How much should he have a month 1,000 sounds like what can muster.

 

$12K a year is below the poverty line.

 

why would you say poverty, who's living on the streets, picking out food out trash. We're not even at the point. Your fishing for negatives here. I have to stop you right there it's a positive world I live in.

 

You're talking about poverty. You said $12k/year was sufficient. That is literally below the poverty line of $15k/yearly. Yes, we are at that point because you said it was sufficient, not because I'm fishing for negatives. The "positive world" you live in is one that the government deems eligible for charity from tax payers who earn more money. So this guy making $12k a year is dependent on everyone else to feed and house him because he doesn't make enough to do it himself. The guy isn't picking food out of the trash because tax payers are buying his food for him in this hypothetical scenario you created.

 

He can't apartment must have bad credit history,

 

Why can't his bad credit be used as a basis to judge his ability as a potential partner? It reflects the fact that he can't make sound financial decisions or pay people back on time. Why are you acting like there is no red flag here?

 

You date someone

They tell you they don't have any money

So your telling me your going to say see the door on your way out.

 

I'd seriously consider our compatibility because the majority of my waking hours are spent earning, saving, and investing money with the utmost care. So I'd be very hesitant to entertain dating someone whose attitudes were so incongruous to my own.

 

You could like then love this person first, what happens if you click.

You just never know who they are.

 

How can we click if I spend all my energy trying to make sound financial decisions and she doesn't care at all and makes poor ones? Why can't I use this to determine incompatibility?

 

Not everyone lucky to have money some ask for help

Hopefully they'll pay you back if they can.

 

So do you think everyone who's made money is just "lucky" and didn't have to to anything for it? Do you think the OP just "lucked" into her job and apartment and that she didn't have to go any kind of school, or get any specialized training, or compete with other qualified applicants, or make any kind of sacrifices or compromises to get where she is? Do you think that this guy she dated is merely "unlucky" and isn't in his position as a result of poor choices he's made? At 30, you've got to be extremely "unlucky" to not have your bases covered in the event of something horrific happening. You should have the necessary skillset to handle life by that age.

 

So your telling me you never struggle for money?

 

I don't "struggle" for money because I bust my ass 12 hours a day, 7 days a week making it, neglecting things I'd much rather be doing but don't because I know how necessary it is to be self-reliant and independent in today's day and age. I don't expect hand outs or people to just "share" their hard earned money with me just because I don't "feel" like working or make poor decisions. Knowing how many hours of sweat equity I put into building my net worth, I don't really respond well to your notion that I'm just "lucky," as if I just won the lottery and didn't have to do any work or make any sacrifices myself, or that this guy is "unlucky" and that he made poor decisions that lead to him to where he is, and that that's not a valid basis to judge someone's character. Tell someone who spent years studying until midnight in medical or law school that their paychecks are a result of "luck."

 

I feel love can do more than the money can every do.

 

"Feeling" something can do more for you doesn't mean it actually can. Food and shelter are bigger priorities than love. You can't experience love if you don't survive. Money can't buy you love but it can buy you food and shelter. I can't believe I have to explain this.

 

Did you listen to the song, Money can't bring you happiness, but love for someone else can!

 

1). Linking a song doesn't mean its message is universally valid

2). If you don't have the ability to earn enough money to provide a decent standard of living, the likelihood someone will "love" you decreases dramatically. Go tell some poor kids living on the streets that they don't need money to survive, they just need love. The guy in OP's scenario is not all that far removed from this. If he didn't have his brother to live with, he'd be using taxpayer money to house himself, or be on the street. But in spite of all this, OP's love (and "shared" money) will solve his problems? Give me a break.

Edited October 28, 2017 by normal person