He's broke, with a capital 'B!'

[meeji]

LOL!! I took it to mean some kind of certification or something. Probably a free one from a MOOC. I doubt Uber has any kind of tuition reimbursement program!

 

That's correct. The course is to get his real estate license. He might not be able to sell houses right away but he can work as a property manager at any apartment complex. From there he can network his way into earning sales commissions.

 

He has options. If he has ambition he'll take them.

[Cookiesandough]

[...]

I don't want to be the girlfriend who has a live-in by who isn't paying rent. He doesn't have a job so he's glued to my couch with a controller in his hands. Driving in my car because his got repoed.

 

my love life IRL.

[lovephule]

There are plenty of financially stable men interested in long term out there. I'm not understanding why this guy is even a blip on your radar if these are your priorities.

 

Also, working for free is not a good way to stop being broke.

[Highndry]

To clarify, he doesn't have 3 jobs.

 

He's doing an online course.

He's driving for lyft/uber, only he hasn't done a shift since we met...

The airbnb is essentially volunteer work. The property owner will not be able to pay him at all until they invest in more property, which isn't around the corner.

 

I don't know anything about the guy, he may be a major loser. However, let's turn the tables a bit. Here's a hypothetical scenario:

 

Guy goes on date with woman.

Woman is overweight, a little insecure about it, and offers up that she's been on a weight program, is seeing progress, and should reach her target weight in 3 months.

Guy says great, let's see how you do in those three months and if you reach that weight, then I'll be interested in making us exclusive, but in the meantime I'm going to bang hot chicks while I wait to see how you do.

 

How does that sound?

[normal person]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP.

 

You're allowed to want someone on your level, whatever it is. If you have a steady job and you're own place, there's no reason you can't expect a guy to have the same, especially at 30. I'm not saying the guy isn't trying, or even that the reasons he's in his situation are his fault or not, but you can't force an attraction to someone based on a technicality or the benefit of the doubt.

 

And to be honest, it doesn't sound like his situation will be improving anytime soon. Even if he completes his online course and/or real estate license, that's a far cry from guaranteed income. There are plenty of people with college degrees (not an online course certificate) looking for work that he'll be competing with, and he'll only get commissions selling real estate, not a salary -- assuming he even gets a listing and then sells a home.

 

I'm not saying he can't turn it around, but I'm advising you to be realistic about whether or not he will and if you're willing to wait that out.

[d0nnivain]

If you see effort, stick around.

 

 

If you don't see effort move on. This guy does not sound like a self starter. You said he quit freelancing because he wasn't making enough money. You have to be aggressive & go fight for jobs to make money on your own. The work isn't just handed to you by a manager.

 

 

Similarly with Uber / Lyft & selling real estate -- you have to be a go -getter, always out there, willing to put in the long hours. If you say he hasn't driven a single shift since you started dating him that is a far cry from the ambitious guy I mistook him for when reading your initial post.

 

 

As others have said, living with family to save money or pay off student loans is more then norm now so his lack of an independent living situation is not as uncommon as it once would have been.

 

 

For me, it's all about the effort not necessarily the short term results. DH didn't get his degree or his good job until 2 years into our marriage but I always saw hard work.

[meeji]

There are plenty of financially stable men interested in long term out there. I'm not understanding why this guy is even a blip on your radar if these are your priorities.

 

Also, working for free is not a good way to stop being broke.

 

 

 

You are correct. That's why I am not putting my dating on hold while he works on himself. I might miss out on meeting a great guy. The reason why I decide to continue seeing him is because I saw a lot of other great qualities. I don't expect to find someone with every single preference I have. I do think that you can find a lot people with most of those qualities. In his case, his unstable lifestyle is that thing. Everything else I like about him.

[Gaeta]

You get to decide what is acceptable or not for you.

 

I am a 52 year old woman with financial stability. I met my bf 2 years ago when he had just left Europe to settle in Canada. He lived in a bachelor and drove an old volvo that was falling apart, and he had gone through most of his saving living here a year . He was broke with a capital B. I accepted to date him because I saw potential in him, he had is own electrical company for 25 years in Europe, he had experience, drive, and he was fearless. It was just a matter of time before he got his Canadian paper and he could thrive in Canada.

 

Our first year of dating I willingly and gladly paid for most of our dates. He could have of course and he offered often but I knew if he paid $50 for a movie night he would struggle for gas money.

 

The year went by and he finally got his work permit and within a couple of weeks he was working full time, now he has so much contracts he works 6 days a week and it never stops and he makes good money.

 

So, it's all about the potential you see in the man.

 

On a side note I don't care if a boyfriend makes more or less than me. I don't mind paying more of our expenses because I make more. I don't have that type of pride like some women have that a man must pay. Maybe that's why I was able to give my guy a full year to get on his feet in my country. IF you are one of those women that put importance in gender role and believe a man must pay then you will only build resentment in the next 3 months. It's not fair to that man.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's good that you are not exclusive with him. Do let him prove himself (or not).

[meeji]

You get to decide what is acceptable or not for you.

 

I am a 52 year old woman with financial stability. I met my bf 2 years ago when he had just left Europe to settle in Canada. He lived in a bachelor and drove an old volvo that was falling apart, and he had gone through most of his saving living here a year . He was broke with a capital B. I accepted to date him because I saw potential in him, he had is own electrical company for 25 years in Europe, he had experience, drive, and he was fearless. It was just a matter of time before he got his Canadian paper and he could thrive in Canada.

 

Our first year of dating I willingly and gladly paid for most of our dates. He could have of course and he offered often but I knew if he paid $50 for a movie night he would struggle for gas money.

 

The year went by and he finally got his work permit and within a couple of weeks he was working full time, now he has so much contracts he works 6 days a week and it never stops and he makes good money.

 

So, it's all about the potential you see in the man.

 

On a side note I don't care if a boyfriend makes more or less than me. I don't mind paying more of our expenses because I make more. I don't have that type of pride like some women have that a man must pay. Maybe that's why I was able to give my guy a full year to get on his feet in my country. IF you are one of those women that put importance in gender role and believe a man must pay then you will only build resentment in the next 3 months. It's not fair to that man.

 

The first part of the reply made sense. I'm glad you guys are happy together and business is booming. The second part threw me off. Where did I say I expect him to pay for anything over the next 3 months? I don't. This isn't about money it's about his lifestyle being unstable.

[normal person]

I don't know anything about the guy, he may be a major loser. However, let's turn the tables a bit. Here's a hypothetical scenario:

 

Guy goes on date with woman.

Woman is overweight, a little insecure about it, and offers up that she's been on a weight program, is seeing progress, and should reach her target weight in 3 months.

Guy says great, let's see how you do in those three months and if you reach that weight, then I'll be interested in making us exclusive, but in the meantime I'm going to bang hot chicks while I wait to see how you do.

 

How does that sound?

 

Honestly, this sounds fine to me. People are allowed to have standards. It's not necessarily judgmental. You're not obligated to date people because your refusal might hurt their feelings. If the guy has the ability to bang hot chicks, he's probably got some pretty desirable qualities himself. So why would he stick around for 3 months for the chance that this girl might drop the weight? He doesn't owe her anything. I'd consider it sort of lame if the man in this situation was just as overweight as the woman or had some similarly glaring off-putting quality that he was working on. That isn't the case.

In this analogy, it isn't like that. OP is financially solvent and responsible. The guy she's dating isn't. She could do objectively "better," and date a guy in her strata, but she's supposed to date this broke guy (who, keep in mind, didn't disclose his situation before meeting) to not be "mean?"

[meeji]

I'll come back to this post in and let you guys know what happened. I'm curious to know myself.

[Gaeta]

The first part of the reply made sense. I'm glad you guys are happy together and business is booming. The second part threw me off. Where did I say I expect him to pay for anything over the next 3 months? I don't. This isn't about money it's about his lifestyle being unstable.

 

You said you were the traditional type of women. You described in details who paid for what when you met that's why I decided to speak about the fact he may not afford the type of dates you'd like.

[Gaeta]

How old is this man?

He has any type of schooling?

How did he earn money up to this day?

[Highndry]

Honestly, this sounds fine to me. People are allowed to have standards. It's not necessarily judgmental. You're not obligated to date people because your refusal might hurt their feelings. If the guy has the ability to bang hot chicks, he's probably got some pretty desirable qualities himself. So why would he stick around for 3 months for the chance that this girl might drop the weight? He doesn't owe her anything. I'd consider it sort of lame if the man in this situation was just as overweight as the woman or had some similarly glaring off-putting quality that he was working on. That isn't the case.

In this analogy, it isn't like that. OP is financially solvent and responsible. The guy she's dating isn't. She could do objectively "better," and date a guy in her strata, but she's supposed to date this broke guy (who, keep in mind, didn't disclose his situation before meeting) to not be "mean?"

 

No, you're completely missing the point. She said she'd date him but wouldn't be exclusive until he changed. That's the issue I have. That's not accepting somebody as they are, it's accepting them with conditions.

 

My thought is she should move on, not back burner him until he meets whatever conditions are deemed reasonable to her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, you're completely missing the point. She said she'd date him but wouldn't be exclusive until he changed. That's the issue I have. That's not accepting somebody as they are, it's accepting them with conditions.

 

My thought is she should move on, not back burner him until he meets whatever conditions are deemed reasonable to her.

 

Totally agree.

[meeji]

So you're issue is that I am open to seeing other men during this time? This also means that he can date other women. We're not exclusive. If he meets a woman 2 weeks into it that wants to be his caretaker and girlfriend I would most certainly expect him to start a serious relationship with her and drop me.

 

That's not putting him on the backburner. I'm pretty sure the guy wants his own money and independence from his family. The question is whether or not he's willing to work for what he wants.

[lovephule]

I don't know anything about the guy, he may be a major loser. However, let's turn the tables a bit. Here's a hypothetical scenario:

 

Guy goes on date with woman.

Woman is overweight, a little insecure about it, and offers up that she's been on a weight program, is seeing progress, and should reach her target weight in 3 months.

Guy says great, let's see how you do in those three months and if you reach that weight, then I'll be interested in making us exclusive, but in the meantime I'm going to bang hot chicks while I wait to see how you do.

 

How does that sound?

 

Sounds equally ridiculous and distasteful. I have no problems at all with people wanting what they want. It's when they act more like a probation officer than a love interest that gets my antennae up and makes me wonder what's really going on.

[meeji]

Totally agree.

 

I will say that I think these days a lot of good guys get dismissed over small things that don't have much to do with how the relationship functions.

 

If the guy has no place to live guess where we will be staying... my place.

 

If he doesn't have a job or he's always strapped for cash that means I'm paying anytime we go out.

 

If he doesn't have enough money to gas up his car then I can either give him a ride or let him take mine, pick him up..

 

These things seems trivial but they have a huge impact on how the people interact with each other. If I date him now it's not going to last. If he can fix the issue and then we date the likelihood of us lasting is better First, I wanted to give the guy a shot before assuming the worst. Second, I'm not deluding myself on what I can and can't accept in my romantic relationships. If we can address it now it's less likely to be problem going forward.This is me being proactive. I'm not trying to change him. I accept him as a person but I can't accept him as a boyfriend with the current circumstances.

[Cookiesandough]

No, you're completely missing the point. She said she'd date him but wouldn't be exclusive until he changed. That's the issue I have. That's not accepting somebody as they are, it's accepting them with conditions.

 

My thought is she should move on, not back burner him until he meets whatever conditions are deemed reasonable to her.

 

She is attracted to him and interested enough to date, but not long-term relationship yet because he isn't financially stable now. It's not about her interest, she's just being practical. She doesn't want to contribute so much more $ in the rship and not have him pull enough weight which will inevitably be the case if they become serious. She was transparent about the fact that she is dating others. People do this all the time they just aren't as honest about it as OP. I think a lot of guys who don't have the best or any job atm but are working towards it would like girls to give them a chance like this.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I will say that I think these days a lot of good guys get dismissed over small things that don't have much to do with how the relationship functions.

 

If the guy has no place to live guess where we will be staying... my place.

 

If he doesn't have a job or he's always strapped for cash that means I'm paying anytime we go out.

 

If he doesn't have enough money to gas up his car then I can either give him a ride or let him take mine, pick him up..

 

These things seems trivial but they have a huge impact on how the people interact with each other. If I date him now it's not going to last. If he can fix the issue and then we date the likelihood of us lasting is better First, I wanted to give the guy a shot before assuming the worst. Second, I'm not deluding myself on what I can and can't accept in my romantic relationships. If we can address it now it's less likely to be problem going forward.This is me being proactive. I'm not trying to change him. I accept him as a person but I can't accept him as a boyfriend with the current circumstances.

 

I understand what you're saying, but honestly, I have no clue what you actually see in this guy. Can you explain that a little more?

 

I dated a man a few years ago for about 7 months who was living in his "shop." Sometimes he had very little money for groceries and ate a lot of refried beans for the protein. (I made sure to feed him well when he was at my place lol)

 

He lost his business due to the economy (but still had all the equipment and the shop because he was having a hard time parting with the tens of thousands of dollars of equipment which mean the loss of his dream) and his divorce, and moved out of his apartment to be able to give his ex-wife above and beyond what was ordered for child support because his priority was his teenage children. He also wanted zero credit card debt and he achieved that. It was actually impressive. He just lived very, very humbly. Just him and his rescue dog in his shop. He got a "regular" full time job (instead of his own business), and was getting tuition reimbursement while he earned his MBA online. He was working his ass off. I haven't spoken to him in a few years, but I assume his life is much better now that he's gotten his MBA and his kids are graduated.

 

In my mind, this is a lot different than the scenario you are in, or the one I talked about earlier. People fall on hard times, but if they are diligently working toward fixing things, that's a whole different ballgame than placing blame on everyone else and basically flailing around in the wind.

[heavenonearth]

My ex was very poor. He came from nothing. When we dated, he was trying to make it as a self employed programmer. He lived with me. I fed him. I paid for a lot of his expenses. And then eventually he left me because he felt he needed to be 'weighing his options' and need to 'focus on his career'... As far as I know he is still living with his brother.

 

Look. There are two types of broke guys. Those who make an effort, and those who keep saying 'tomorrow'. Or who are hoping forever that luck will come their way but realistically that's just never the case.

 

I think it's not a bad thing you gave him a sort of 'ultimatum'.

But I have to be honest here... it doesn't sound like the sparks were flying when you guys were dating.

 

Don't you want a guy who sweeps you off your feet and vice versa?

I don't know...

This all seems so sad and desperate... on both sides. But more so on your side.

[meeji]

I understand what you're saying, but honestly, I have no clue what you actually see in this guy. Can you explain that a little more?.

 

I see him as the type of guy who would really be attentive in a relationship. He's been single for about 3 years now. I think he wants a committed relationship with someone vs. having someone around for fun. He strikes me as the kind of guy who would put effort into making his relationships work. I just get the vibe that not being stable has prevented him from even trying with women.

[meeji]

My ex was very poor. He came from nothing. When we dated, he was trying to make it as a self employed programmer. He lived with me. I fed him. I paid for a lot of his expenses. And then eventually he left me because he felt he needed to be 'weighing his options' and need to 'focus on his career'... As far as I know he is still living with his brother.

 

Look. There are two types of broke guys. Those who make an effort, and those who keep saying 'tomorrow'. Or who are hoping forever that luck will come their way but realistically that's just never the case.

 

I think it's not a bad thing you gave him a sort of 'ultimatum'.

But I have to be honest here... it doesn't sound like the sparks were flying when you guys were dating.

 

Don't you want a guy who sweeps you off your feet and vice versa?

I don't know...

This all seems so sad and desperate... on both sides. But more so on your side.

 

Our first date lasted about 8 hours and the 2nd lasted even longer. If I didn't think we had a connection I wouldn't be hanging around. I'm not sure how you tied to two together.

[carhill]

My short answer as an old broke guy is whoa that was a lot (of stuff discussed) for a first date. No one is getting married here. Have some fun. It doesn't have to be expensive. I did all that impress the chicks stuff when a young guy and all it did was drain my wallet but I had the wallet to burn so no biggie. However, first dates were about a fun activity and light conversation. About all ladies knew about me was that I fixed stuff and was handy with my hands.

 

Anyway, late to the thread but that was my first impression. And yes, the girls from the private school I went to who had rich parents and business leader families wouldn't date me because I wasn't 'at their level' socially. Perfectly valid. That's how life works and then we die.