Men, Pregnancy, and trust

[RecentChange]

You have an awful lot to say for someone not reading the post. I WAS NOT ON BC MY TUBES WERE NOT TIED. SHOULD I SAY IT AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?

 

I can read perfectly well, do you not understand that I was laying out a converse situation?

 

If a MAN had done what you did to a woman, people would be very upset.

 

Its not okay for you as a women to not disclose that info, to go against his consent and put his penis in you.

 

Don't tell me about reading comprehension.

[Valerie Castro]

I can read perfectly well, do you not understand that I was laying out a converse situation?

 

If a MAN had done what you did to a woman, people would be very upset.

 

Its not okay for you as a women to not disclose that info, to go against his consent and put his penis in you.

 

Don't tell me about reading comprehension.

 

Apparently I do need to tell you about your reading comprehension because you stated many times that I lied about having my tubes tied when I stated many times I didnt have them tied at the time and I also stated that what I did was not right. And this is not a black and white situation. He was rubbing up against me and he had it at the entrance of my vagina and I told him I didnt mind if he put it in. You've got a chip on your shoulder. As I said, take care.

[Valerie Castro]

You cannot understand the situation unless you are in it. There have been times I wasn't sure if we should because I was on my period or something and he just put the tip in because he said he didnt mind the blood and let me decide after if I wanted it all the way in. We wanted each other all the time. He wasn't a stranger. There was never a time we didnt want to. There were just sometimes we needed reassurance from each other that one of us didnt mind. AGAIN he wanted to put it in but he said he wasn't sure so i said it was okay and i put it in. Like when I was on my period I hesitated not because I didnt want to, I just don't like the mess and I was unsure how he'd feel about it but I wanted him and when he assured me he didnt mind the blood he put it all the way inside and I didnt mind.

[Cookiesandough]

Nevermind. I just dont understand the world.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Valerie Castro]

You cannot understand the situation unless you are in it. There have been times I wasn't sure if we should because I was on my period or something and he just put the tip in because he said he didnt mind the blood and let me decide after if I wanted it all the way in. We wanted each other all the time. He wasn't a stranger. There was never a time we didnt want to. There were just sometimes we needed reassurance from each other that one of us didnt mind. AGAIN he wanted to put it in but he said he wasn't sure so i said it was okay and i put it in. Like when I was on my period I hesitated not because I didnt want to, I just don't like the mess and I was unsure how he'd feel about it but I wanted him and when he assured me he didnt mind the blood, I didnt say anything, he put it all the way inside and I didnt mind. We always knew what each other wanted. I like a little assertiveness and he does too. We know that about each other. Not every guy is the same, not every relationship is the same, chemistry is not always the same. What each other wants is not always clear. There are some guys I wouldn't be like that with.

[Valerie Castro]

Nevermind. I just dont understand the world.

 

I was talking about recent change and that gaeta person who chime in without reading the thread

[Gaeta]

I was talking about recent change and that gaeta person who chime in without reading the thread

 

I have no clue why you keep saying I didn't read your thread.

 

You wanted to know if anything in your story meant trust and feelings and the answer is no. The fact he let you manage your plan B means nothing, the key means nothing, the unprotected sex means nothing. It doesn't mean he trusted you or had feelings for you.

[TunaCat]

You were both irresponsible.

 

You for agreeing to sex without a condom AND BC. I mean, come on. Do you really want to end up with a kid who you will likely be raising alone? All because you were horny?

 

Him to agreeing to sex with you with no form of protection or birth control. I mean, you could have saddled him with an STD & a child. A little melodramatic, but crazier stuff has happened.

 

And giving you a key means nothing. Other than the fact that he's totally irresponsible, which I already stated. He gave you a key to his place after a little over a month. How do you not see that as a giant red flag?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm just wondering what him being 6'6" has to do with anything at all.

[Highndry]

I can't believe there are people having sex who believe that pulling out is an effective method of birth control.

[lovephule]

OP while we're still waiting for the opinions you requested would you mind sharing how subsequent encounters have gone strictly in terms of condom use? This is my own personal curiosity asking.

[act00]

I do think it was kind and caring that he was willing to pay for, if not split the cost, of Plan B, and that's how it should be if there's an "oopsie" moment. It does speak of character...also self-preservation. But he shared in this moment, so it's good that he was willing to take on some responsibility. Of course this is assuming you were okay with taking Plan B, and there could be any number of reasons a woman cannot or won't...one would hope this is discussed and known in advance, but that doesn't always happen. He ultimately put faith in you to buy it, which it seems you did not. Your tubes were not tied at the time, so you just decided to take the risk. You made a unilateral decision, he put his trust in you, and you did not follow through...unless I missed it.

 

There are so many issues flying around this one particular moment. Guy not stopping despite no BC, guy trusting girl to cover BC when she says she will, guy not being prepared to cover himself in the BC area when he should, etc. I have a nephew who became a teenage father because he trusted his girlfriend was taking her BC...she wasn't...on purpose.

 

Honestly, without any type of protection, you both should have stopped it. Easier said than done, but necessary...one of you had to step up. I also think that given the "play" in the past and the fact you were both eager to do it, neither of you were prepared, and I don't understand why. Was it impossible for someone to go to the store and get a box of condoms? I would suggest you always have some if you're not in a monogamous relationship with this guy or if you're still on the dating scene. Of course at this point, pregnancy is a non-issue, but STDs continue to be an issue, so keep some on you and/or at home.

[stillafool]

You have an awful lot to say for someone not reading the post. I WAS NOT ON BC MY TUBES WERE NOT TIED. SHOULD I SAY IT AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?

 

Why didn't you tell him there was no need to worry because your tubes were tied?

[guest569]

I don't consider it "romantic" that he didn't force you to take a plan B. Your ex sounded awful.. also, what is the question again? I think you're over analysing things .

[Nadine123]

even if your tubes are tied you can still get stds.

 

A similar thing happened to me and I insisted that the guy leaves and go get condoms. Just learn from this and dont do it again.

[Gaeta]

Why didn't you tell him there was no need to worry because your tubes were tied?

 

Her tubes were not tied yet at that time.

[guest569]

What about the fact he wants kids and you do not?

[Gaeta]

What about the fact he wants kids and you do not?

 

It's not important anymore, in her post #23 she said:

 

I am back now and were not dating because Ive not dated anyone for a while and my life has never been more carefree. Maybe one day well pick it up again

 

She wanted an opinion of something that happened a while ago with a man she is not seeing anymore.

[smackie9]

Did he trust you? no, how could he, when you purposely withheld information to see if he did have true feelings for you. IMO you actions were cruel and abusive playing these kind of mindgames when simple communications would have sufficed. You need to get your head on straight if you want someone to love and trust you.

[newheart]

Anyway, I always thought it was romantic that this other guy respected my choice not to take plan B. He is very good looking, about 6'6 and has a good job. It made me feel he trusted I was not trying to trap him with a kid, or at least didnt think it was the worst thing in the world if I were to have his child. When he pulled out he accidentally got some on my leg and even apologized. I have to admit, it did make me feel valued and special.

 

I'd like someone to put me out of my misery when this becomes my definition of romance, feeling valued and special.

[BarbedFenceRider]

1. start openly talking about BC and safe or "safer" sex. It is enjoyable if both parties are in sync with each other and no one is left "worrying".

 

2. Just know that guys do not think with "subtle hints" or mind games. Be up front and honest. Men don't mindread, and forget the "small things" that you think he does to show you he cares. He does not for that reason. He cares because he wants to open himself to you and share in a personal experience.

 

3. I am glad alot of people here take the consideration of the "man" when it comes to consent. It was a breath of fresh air. For a long time now, mens rights and consent were non-starters in popular culture. I do not think it was done intentionally in this case, but it is a good place for a 1 on 1 convo to start...

 

4. If you do really have a good bond with this guy, why not start a committed relationship with him? Sex is only one aspect to the whole being, and it's okay to have mutual feelings of trust and respect for each other. Communicate it out. Don't take his feelings for you or the trust he puts in you for granted. Let him actually KNOW that he is safe to feel that way.

 

5. And finally, I get the whole "animalistic" urges we all get. But casual hook ups are just asking for let downs in the future. Try do respect yourself as well as your partner and enjoy each other whole and not compartmentalized. It catches up with you later IME....

[Dru76]

I'd like someone to put me out of my misery when this becomes my definition of romance, feeling valued and special.

 

Seriously. Talk about setting the bar low.

[minou23]

I have no idea why people feel the need to get mean and dissect every little thing you say. I noticed it’s often the same people. All I know is if they have all the answers like they act like they do, then they wouldn’t still be single right?

 

OP, what does your gut say? We don’t know either of you so we couldn’t tell you based off of what you wrote. I say go with that gut feeling. It’s usually right. Or you can always ask him.

[GemmaUK]

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure someone will have addressed it but I don't understand how you got your tubes tied at age 25.

[act00]

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure someone will have addressed it but I don't understand how you got your tubes tied at age 25.

 

This is a personal decision, and while you might find it odd, the reality is not everyone wants to be a mother or a father, and they will take measures to permanently stop the ability to do so and avoid any accidents if they are that confident that this is their path.

 

I remember my office manager from many years back who didn't want children...ever. I found it so strange. I was very young and while I had known another couple that didn't want children, I was still very naïve. I have no idea if my office manager permanently sterilized herself or if her husband did, but what I do remember is that she stated she had a hard time finding a mate who equally didn't want children. The biggest issue was finding a man who had the same mindset as far as offspring.

 

It's my understanding that young people of childbearing age have a greater level of difficulty getting these procedures done, particularly if they haven't already had children. I think very few doctors easily go in for a "snip and a clip" unless there is serious backup that this choice is well thought out.

 

I don't think anyone has addressed the OP's choice to permanently disable pregnancy and child-rearing, as it really isn't the issue at hand...she doesn't want children. No one gets to judge her for it.

 

As it pertains to dating and relationship, the potential spouse needs to be of like mind, and the OP needs to be open to the fact that children are not an option. Her potential mate may have already had a vasectomy by now.