Boyfriend got a female roommate

[elaine567]

I don't understand why people marry if they want to have sex with other people. If you want to have sex with other people, then don't commit to one person only for the rest of your life!

 

Because marriage is not only about monogamy, it is about sharing resources, having a stable base, having kids, having someone to take care of you, having a status in the community, having a companion to share things with, to go on holiday with, a companion who has your back, a person you can have regular sex with... etc.

Some think they can have all that and still have sex with other people and they are often right.

[d0nnivain]

Donnovain, he said he wont cheat on me or do anything with her...so he didn't really imply he'd sleep with her specifically because he didn't even know her at that point. I think he was just speaking in general terms.

 

 

and as far as the picture, he added her on facebook. So yes, he has a picture he could have shown me.

 

 

He just texted me, I asked if she had moved in yet and he said "Yeah, she did. It feels nice not to worry quite as much about money" I said "Hows it going?" he said "Barely seen her. So, great." I said "Lol" he said "She seems nice though. I don't think we'll have problems." I said "That's good."

 

Kassy, the reason why I want to continue choosing to trust him (until I actually find a concrete reason not to) and date him is because I have spent the last 3 years being completely single and I'm 25 years old. I honestly haven't found anyone I was even remotely attracted to enough to consider a real relationship with - then I met him about 4 months ago. He is gorgeous, has a great job, and it beats crying myself to sleep at night for the past 3 years because I hadn't found anyone before him.

 

 

So I don't really feel like I'm in a position right now to just cut him loose and say, "Next!"

 

 

that and of course, I'm actually falling in love with him.

 

 

So now you are defending him?

 

Re-read what you wrote. You are defending him not because he's so all-fired great but because you are afraid to be alone again. Even if you are "falling in love" I don't see that he is. It's also a dangerous reason to ignore your gut.

 

My original advice stands -- approach this with your eyes & ears open. If something seems off, assume he's cheating. Do not wait to find her panties in your bed.

 

Since you are being kept away this weekend, I think they will be smart enough not to leave you evidence.

 

Sigh. No idea if shes interested in him, he was joking with me the other day about how he'd tell her to get off him if she made a move on him (because I asked him what he'd do in that scenario). I laughed and said "You wouldn't push someone off of you that you were attracted to if they made a move on you" and I'm pretty sure he just smirked and we carried on joking, I cant remember.

 

 

The good news is he said he's "barely seen her" since she moved in, so either that means shes going to stay in her room a lot, or shes going to be out a lot.

 

 

I'm going to see him tomorrow although he's coming to my place so I don't think I'll meet her this weekend but eventually I will, and hopefully shes the type of person who actually respects when a guy has a girlfriend. I think I'll feel a little better when I can actually gauge his response in person. Because this all happened so fast.

 

OMG. If your BF cheats it's on HIM. You are already imagining scenarios where he was too overcome with lust because the roommate forced herself on him. C'mon. It never happens like that. It's way more gradual . . . seeing each other in various states of undress around the house; sitting & having a few drinks & talking -- initially because the other person is simply there; sitting closer on the house; a hug in comfort over some bad thing happening; then more & more time spent staring into each other's eyes until they finally give in. Don't be so silly to think he's going to be lying on the couch watching football & she's going to jump him.

[herodgrant]

I'm biased but this exact same thing happened to my boyfriend - except she was Brazilian. South American women are very sexual and forward from my experience. She couldn't have cared less that he had a girlfriend. When alcohol is involved and I wasn't there, they had sex. In the future I wouldn't be down with a guy living with a girl alone unless they were both single. Just my personal view.

[guest569]

I don't know.. sure, you can't tell someone else what to do. But if I had just started a new relationship, the last thing I would do is introduce a roommate at all, let alone an opposite sex one. I understand he is doing it for financial reasons, but I wouldn't be ok with it. I don't have the patience for that sort of thing and the 'joking' comments, the fact he has cheated in the past, and the fact that 'inevitably feelings will develop'. Next.

[Zahara]

Hes never cheated on me, he cheated on his last girlfriend before me and claims that was the only relationship hes ever cheated in because they had serious underlying problems.

 

if I ever find out he's cheating on me, obviously I would break up with him, that would be game over. The issue here is that I won't really know if he does or doesn't...unless what, unless I find her underwear in his bed? Unlikely.

 

He's cheated on his ex and he once slept with a roommate? I'd caution you to keep your eyes and ears wide open.

 

And don't be so trusting of words. Often times people will always tell you want you want and think they need you to hear.

 

Get smart.

 

PS: There is never a reason to cheat. Justifying it makes it even worse.

[kendahke]

How do I know if hes being honest or just telling me what I want to hear? I could still meet her and she could be very pretty. Even if she is average, that also doesn't stop something from potentially happening.

 

This screams that you do not trust him and if you can't trust him, why are you trying to start something with him? Seems to me like a colossal waste of his time to even deal with someone from the jump who doesn't trust him.

 

You need to own that this is your interpretation and not his.

 

 

I know I'm supposed to act cool with this because theres nothing else I can do. But I honestly don't know if I can trust him.

 

Then you need to bounce.

 

I think he hinted at sleeping with his last roommate before he met me, and he is really attracted to women with brown eyes and brown hair which more than likely as an Argentinian woman, she looks like that.

 

 

I know I sound insecure, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me living with another man, he gets jealous if I even mention going out at night with my friends.

 

 

what do you think about his choice of words?

 

I think nothing of them. What I do think is that you are creating problems where none exist nor have any born out. At 3 months in, you cannot dictate to him how he deals with his finances if you aren't cutting the check yourself to help him out. Put your money where your mouth is if this situation bothers you that much.

 

If he has cheated before and that aspect of his personality bothers you, then guess what? You being his girlfriend doesn't spin the earth backwards to the point right before he chose to cheat. You falling in love with him, knowing full well what kind of tendencies he has, doesn't change his past.

 

The fact is: he brings you the pain that you associate with love and that's why you're insisting upon remaining with him. That and a sense of emotional laziness in that you're unwilling to be alone until a more suitable guy comes into your life. You are letting yourself down by doing this, not him. He's letting you know who the real him is.

 

This relationship you're in has a weak foundation and it's only a matter of time before it crumbles underneath your feet. You'd be wise to look at "what is" right now and make a move out and quit holding out for "what you wished would be".

 

If he wants to cheat, he could be doing that right now behind your back. If he wants to smash his roommate, then he's going to smash and there is nothing you can do to prevent that. Clearly, he's demonstrated in the past that having a girlfriend doesn't stop him from stepping out on her. You know this now--you'd be well served to act like you know this now.

Edited October 27, 2017 by kendahke

[MajesticUnicorn]

Honestly, it sounds like as a couple you have heaps of problems and baggage.

 

While I do stand by what I said initially, that your boyfriend rooming with another woman isn't a cause for concern, the more details you provide, the clearer it becomes that your distrust in him is justified. The fact that he has a history of cheating, history of sleeping with roommates, lack of empathy/reassurance kind of point to some red flags.

 

As mentioned, you are not in any position to tell him who he can and cannot live with. But aside from this entire ordeal, it sounds like there is some underlying issues on BOTH ends. You, being distrusting and insecure, him having a history of cheating and quite frankly he sounds kind of like a jerk...

 

Is there good in your relationship? Why are you holding onto it?

 

You're 25. I get being single sucks and being with someone DOES beat crying yourself to sleep at night. But at the same point, you shouldn't settle for crappy guys just because you're lonely. I'm at a similar age of life as you, and while yes being single sucks sometimes I'm not gonna settle.

 

I'm not saying you should break up with him, but hopefully you are seeing that there are some issues in your relationship that shouldn't be there, especially this early on....

[heavenonearth]

I'm biased but this exact same thing happened to my boyfriend - except she was Brazilian. South American women are very sexual and forward from my experience. She couldn't have cared less that he had a girlfriend. When alcohol is involved and I wasn't there, they had sex. In the future I wouldn't be down with a guy living with a girl alone unless they were both single. Just my personal view.

 

I would not generalize all South American women like that. That's a bit xenophobic, in my view.

[smackie9]

OK OP you are just asking for trouble dating a guy that thinks his cheating was justifiable because his relationship was falling apart. This should be a dealbreaker.

 

"He's never cheated on me" famous last words written on many threads.

[coolheadal]

My boyfriend is getting a female roommate tomorrow. I don't know her age and I don't know what she looks like, but he says she's a singer and she's from Argentina. She also doesn't have a car. I told him this made me really uncomfortable and she doesn't sound like a good reliable candidate. I asked him if he was going to drive her around everywhere, and he said "No, everyone uses uber in LA." She responded to his ad on craigslist, and he met her tonight, her and her friend came over and he showed her the room (a spare room in his apartment). He said, "She was nice. Seems very nice." I said "So is she renting the room?" and he said "Yes."

 

 

He says he was in a hurry to find a roommate because he really wants to go home to another state for the holidays to see his family and he needs money for a plane ticket (for Thanksgiving and Christmas). But why did he seriously have to pick a young attractive Argentinian singer who doesn't even have her own car?

 

 

Mind you, I already discussed with him that this made me very uncomfortable and I would prefer he had a male roommate. He said he prefers female roommates because he doesn't like other men in his space and thinks females are cleaner. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, he smiled and said "Shes not very ugly and she's not very beautiful. Average."

 

 

Even though he told me he wouldn't cheat on me, I still have my concerns. I texted him at 9 pm tonight and I said "Are you sure I don't have to worry about you and her? This honestly hurts a little." He didn't reply, its 2 AM now and I hope he just fell asleep. He also didn't seem concerned for my feelings at all, after he said she got the room, he said "Yay rent money! :)" no reassurance or anything. He knows this was bothering me.

 

 

I'm very concerned that he could cheat on me with this new roommate. Obviously that's a lot of time together, living with someone. Anything could happen. What if I meet her and she's gorgeous and they have great chemistry? I'm almost certain she's around our age. He wouldn't show me her picture when I asked to see her, he said he will if she actually rents the spare bedroom. This made me really suspicious of what she looked like.

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months, so we are in that "building trust stage". Am I just supposed to be ok with this? Am I really supposed to act cool with this and just have blind trust in him? What if she comes onto him? I was on the verge of tears tonight just thinking about all of this.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Way to new with each other.. Still you best coop with what he's doing. I don't like to have roommate in the house when I am dating..Why not move in with him and ditch the room mate all together.

[Sweetfish]

Because marriage is not only about monogamy, it is about sharing resources, having a stable base, having kids, having someone to take care of you, having a status in the community, having a companion to share things with, to go on holiday with, a companion who has your back, a person you can have regular sex with... etc.

Some think they can have all that and still have sex with other people and they are often right.

 

 

Im sorry but this is your definition of a marriage... ive seen various people view marriages in another light. While your verison of marriage is ideal.

 

Take sex or money out of a marriage and many will fail. No longer having ones back or kids creates adhesion to the marriage any more.

 

The OPs boyfriend gave her a redflag.. create an underlying problem and I will cheat. Well, your creating an underlying problem. Thats pretty clear and cut to me.

[Lattes4Days]

He hasn't asked me to move in with him, obviously its still very soon at only 3 months of dating. But he did say "Would you move with me if I got orders to leave?" because he's military. I have no idea if that was a serious question or if he was just "testing" my answer to see what I'd say.

[d0nnivain]

He hasn't asked me to move in with him, obviously its still very soon at only 3 months of dating. But he did say "Would you move with me if I got orders to leave?" because he's military. I have no idea if that was a serious question or if he was just "testing" my answer to see what I'd say.

 

Military people live life a bit more intensely then the rest of us because they have a better understanding of how fleeting life can be. Because of that some of them make rash decisions about "committing" to people in advance of a deployment or transfer. He probably was serious but that doesn't mean he's sensible.

[kendahke]

He hasn't asked me to move in with him, obviously its still very soon at only 3 months of dating. But he did say "Would you move with me if I got orders to leave?" because he's military. I have no idea if that was a serious question or if he was just "testing" my answer to see what I'd say.

 

 

He wasn't testing you and he wasn't being serious. He was thinking out loud and you heard him.

 

The same time rule applies whether he stays or gets shipped out: it's still very soon at only 3 months of dating to be talking about moving in together.

[phineas]

As a guy, i wouldn't rent a room in my house to another woman if I had a GF.

unless i didn't really care if I lost that GF and enjoyed drama and aggravation.

 

it's just dumb.

nobody smart does this type of thing.

[phineas]

I think it's very naive to think that having an attractive female in guy's living space is "nothing".

 

Men are not like women, they think about sex constantly. When I asked long term married men how they have managed to stay faithful, most of them said the same thing "I stayed away from temptation". I am sorry, but this situation is temptation.

 

my experience is women are very much like men and even worse when it comes to sex.

Women are far more competitive when it comes to the opposite sex also.

they seem to want what other women want.

 

like i said this is just a dumb idea.

[Eternal Sunshine]

my experience is women are very much like men and even worse when it comes to sex.

Women are far more competitive when it comes to the opposite sex also.

they seem to want what other women want.

 

like i said this is just a dumb idea.

 

This is also true. Every single time I dated a divorced guy, his ex wife started showing interest in him again. Even if she was living someone, even if they haven't spoken in ages...one started sending him nudes even (something he said she never did during their marriage). They just had to out compete me My point is that women are highly competitive. OP's bf is going to be more attractive to the flatmate because he has a gf.

 

As for the other part - if I was starting a relationship with a guy and I thought it had potential, I would never get a male flatmate. Nothing would even need to be said. Why add that drama to the mix? Given that OP's boyfriend knows that it bothers her (and likely gets off on it) and is still proceeding with this arrangement is a sign that he is not willing to prioritize OP's relationship.