Boyfriend got a female roommate

[mortensorchid]

This sounds very shady to me on all kinds of levels. I would reconsider things with him if this is the case. The presence of Craig's List is the factor that really bothers me, everyone knows it's sleazy when it involves 2 people meeting for something other than to sell stuff at bargain basement prices.

[Lattes4Days]

I guess maybe I don't trust him because I haven't even seen what she looks like or how they act around each other, but also because he told me he cheated on his last girlfriend more than once. He said it was the only relationship he cheated in. And like I said, I think he slept with his previous roommate. He also made a comment to me about a month ago when he was first considering getting a roommate, he said "When you spend that much time with someone, sure, inevitably feelings develop." So even he admitted to that potentially happening. The fact that he wouldn't even show me her picture was upsetting too.

 

 

He hasn't texted me much in the past few hours, and every text has been an hour apart. I'm guessing its because he's helping her move in. I don't know.

 

 

I just don't get a good feeling from this. I have no choice but to trust him, I don't want to lose him completely. The answers here are 50/50, so maybe he really wont do anything with her. I suppose only time will tell.

[d0nnivain]

This is a serious question: Why don't you want to lose him completely? What is so great about him? He's an admitted cheater who slept with his previous female roommate & implied that he'd sleep with this one. You certainly don't trust him so what is so all fired special about him that you don't want to lose him? He sounds to me like losing him may be in your best interests.

 

On a side note, I'm not sure how you can expect him to show you a picture of her. Where was he supposed to get one from?

[Highndry]

I guess maybe I don't trust him because I haven't even seen what she looks like or how they act around each other, but also because he told me he cheated on his last girlfriend more than once. He said it was the only relationship he cheated in. And like I said, I think he slept with his previous roommate. He also made a comment to me about a month ago when he was first considering getting a roommate, he said "When you spend that much time with someone, sure, inevitably feelings develop." So even he admitted to that potentially happening. The fact that he wouldn't even show me her picture was upsetting too.

 

 

He hasn't texted me much in the past few hours, and every text has been an hour apart. I'm guessing its because he's helping her move in. I don't know.

 

 

I just don't get a good feeling from this. I have no choice but to trust him, I don't want to lose him completely. The answers here are 50/50, so maybe he really wont do anything with her. I suppose only time will tell.

 

This adds a whole 'nother layer to things. He cheated on his last gf multiple times. Hmmmmm..... You think a tiger just changes its stripes that easily? Nah. My ex was divorced by her husband for emotionally cheating. Guess who was super sneaky on the computer? Yeah, they don't change.

[Lattes4Days]

Donnovain, he said he wont cheat on me or do anything with her...so he didn't really imply he'd sleep with her specifically because he didn't even know her at that point. I think he was just speaking in general terms.

 

 

and as far as the picture, he added her on facebook. So yes, he has a picture he could have shown me.

 

 

He just texted me, I asked if she had moved in yet and he said "Yeah, she did. It feels nice not to worry quite as much about money" I said "Hows it going?" he said "Barely seen her. So, great." I said "Lol" he said "She seems nice though. I don't think we'll have problems." I said "That's good."

[kassy]

What she looks like is irrelevant!!!!!

 

Ok given what you have said about him previously cheating multiple times, and also his comments about hooking up with roomates, I now understand why you don't trust him.

 

Honestly between that lovely list of traits and his jealousy issues, why do you want to date this man?????

 

This man will almost certainly disappoint you. He will probably crush you and leave you with emotional scars. He is not the type of person I would ever wish to date or see anyone I care about date.

 

I suggest you break up with him for being someone who you cannot trust and gives you unreasonable levels of anxiety and insecurity in your relationship.

[Lattes4Days]

He did say that he wouldn't sleep with a roommate again because we discussed this, and he said "Ok what happens if I sleep with a roommate? We have sex, great, but then I can't bring a girl over to my apartment. And she says - oh by the way, I'll be late on rent this month."

 

 

 

 

We had this conversation last week when discussing his potential for getting a female roommate. Apparently he had that happen to him before and it made things messy.

 

 

He also said what you said Kassy, that even if she was hot it would be irrelevant.

[Sweetfish]

While, I agree the OP is a little on the insecure side. I don't think majority of the posters would allow their significant other to have a roommate of an opposite gender.

 

OP your not wrong to worry. Would he be ok with you having a male room-mate? That's the real question. Everyone is saying one thing.. but if something happens most these poster will not comeback and retract what they said. Some of the posters are being hypocritical as some of them have cheated before.

[Sweetfish]

I didnt read all the responses Im sure the guys are saying you are overreacting but sorry Im going to be the "typical girl" and say sorry but I think you should be worried. I had two male room mates when I was dating this guy. I was the only girl. Sometimes I'd come home and there'd be like 10 guys at the house playing video games. My room mates were unattractive, so were their friends (except one), and my man was like 6'6 and ridiculously hot so he had nothing to worry about, but I'll be honest, that one guy that was at the house once who I did find attractive....he would have definitely posed a threat to my relationship if it weren't for the fact that I met him only once very quickly, we barely even said Hi and I never saw him again. My boyfriend bitched and bitched and bitched about me having two male room mates till the very end. I swear I never heard the end of it. Im not saying I would have cheated on my boyfriend, but he wasn't crazy to be worried. I told him not to worry but....

 

Lets be honest here. You're boyfriend is living with someone of the opposite sex that he finds attractive. He didnt say she was ugly. Even if she was ugly, all it takes is a drunk night. My male room mates have seen me half naked and I have seen them half naked. As I said, luckily my boyfriend was hot and I wasn't even paying attention to those guys. I was out of the house as much as possible.

 

 

Glad to know your morals could be bought on looks :lmao:

[kassy]

Ok well I get the feeling you want to keep dating him. If you do so, do it with your eyes wide open. A healthy relationship is one where they add to your life not detract from it. I am concerned her is controlling and jealous as well as his cheating past.

 

Ok for a relationship to work you need to know that there is mutual trust, that they make you feel good about yourself, they expand your world rather than shrink it, and that you have fun and are mutually attracted to each other. It helps if there are similar interests. As your relationship progresses then common beliefs, ethics and views on money, children and holidays and general view of what life will look like going forward are added to that list.

 

If he doesn't make you feel safe and secure and happy. If there is always a bit too much drama. Then just go and move on. It doesn't get better, you just get hurt.

 

I think in this relationship it's not him that should be wondering if he will stay but rather you.

 

 

I'd love to know why you want to be with him?

[kassy]

Honestly to me, the roomates is a non-issue, everything else however gives big red flags

[Space Ritual]

"Shes not even that good looking

 

LMFAO! What a bunch of horse crap.

 

 

 

Well either she is hot or she is a Butter Face. (You know.."Everything is hot as hell on her..but her face").

 

 

"Not even that good looking". No such thing to a stiff dick in the middle of the night.

 

I will be honest with you OP. If at 3 months out from the beginning of the relationship this whole thing occurs, I have to say I really don't think he is into you as much as you are into him. I mean a short term rental to make some traveling money? Uh...yeah..

 

Sounds like a bad movie. Well it's L.A. so what the hell do you expect?

 

Move on. This crap will drive you nuts. Life is far too short to be agonizing over somebody you've been seeing for only 3 months. At that time frame it should be all unicorn farts, rainbows and fairly dust between you two;as in you cant keep your mitts off each other. Now this?

 

Nah, run screaming into the night. Again, Life is far too short.

[Lattes4Days]

Kassy, the reason why I want to continue choosing to trust him (until I actually find a concrete reason not to) and date him is because I have spent the last 3 years being completely single and I'm 25 years old. I honestly haven't found anyone I was even remotely attracted to enough to consider a real relationship with - then I met him about 4 months ago. He is gorgeous, has a great job, and it beats crying myself to sleep at night for the past 3 years because I hadn't found anyone before him.

 

 

So I don't really feel like I'm in a position right now to just cut him loose and say, "Next!"

 

 

that and of course, I'm actually falling in love with him.

[GemmaUK]

Kassy, the reason why I want to continue choosing to trust him (until I actually find a concrete reason not to) and date him is because I have spent the last 3 years being completely single and I'm 25 years old. I honestly haven't found anyone I was even remotely attracted to enough to consider a real relationship with - then I met him about 4 months ago. He is gorgeous, has a great job, and it beats crying myself to sleep at night for the past 3 years because I hadn't found anyone before him.

 

 

So I don't really feel like I'm in a position right now to just cut him loose and say, "Next!"

 

 

that and of course, I'm actually falling in love with him.

 

Then this is completely your choice and anything that happens - if it does -with this roommate then you know the consequences of that will be getting hurt again.

 

He's cheated before, he will do it again as you allow it and stay with him.

All you are doing by sticking with him is reinforcing that you won't walk if he cheats and at the same time totally feeding your insecurities.

 

A female roommate wouldn't cause my eyelid to bat but I wouldn't continue dating a man who cheats on me.

[Lattes4Days]

Hes never cheated on me, he cheated on his last girlfriend before me and claims that was the only relationship hes ever cheated in because they had serious underlying problems.

 

 

if I ever find out he's cheating on me, obviously I would break up with him, that would be game over. The issue here is that I won't really know if he does or doesn't...unless what, unless I find her underwear in his bed? Unlikely.

[GemmaUK]

OK, so this goes right back to early dating where 'you have chosen' to be with someone who is capable of cheating.

He will find 'serious underlying problems' if he wants to cheat on you too. In this case he could put it down to jealousy and distrust.

 

You either trust him or you don't and he could cheat with anyone, anytime, anywhere, not necessarily with the roommate.

 

Honestly, it sounds like there are some serious underlying problems to do with trust in this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hes never cheated on me, he cheated on his last girlfriend before me and claims that was the only relationship hes ever cheated in because they had serious underlying problems.

 

 

if I ever find out he's cheating on me, obviously I would break up with him, that would be game over. The issue here is that I won't really know if he does or doesn't...unless what, unless I find her underwear in his bed? Unlikely.

 

That's not really any better, OP.

 

You're dating a guy who opted to cheat rather than end a bad relationship. So yes, you should be very concerned.

 

As for this roommate, well, there's nothing you can really do. He'll either jump at the chance to get cozy with her or he won't, and chances are, you would know. Not because he comes right out and tells you, but because you will sense something is off when you go to visit and there's a strange feeling between them.

 

You have chosen to date a guy who is given to run to other girls rather than work out problems or break-up. Remember that moving forward.

[basil67]

While, I agree the OP is a little on the insecure side. I don't think majority of the posters would allow their significant other to have a roommate of an opposite gender.

 

I would imagine that the majority of posters would realise that it's not their place to allow their partner to do a thing. Allowing is the space for a a senior/subordinate or parent-teacher/child. In a relationship of equal adults, 'allowing' is another word for control.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's very naive to think that having an attractive female in guy's living space is "nothing".

 

Men are not like women, they think about sex constantly. When I asked long term married men how they have managed to stay faithful, most of them said the same thing "I stayed away from temptation". I am sorry, but this situation is temptation.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I remember you mentioning this quite a while ago. If I recall correctly, you flirted with one of them and he responded by making a move. I'd hardly call that "not trying". I'd hesitate to make the claim that your experience is the norm.

 

I can't remember who flirted with who first anymore. If I did, it was very low key. I consider asking someone "how was your weekend" flirting since I am very introverted and never make small talk unless I am interested. Many men wouldn't read that as a sign of interest.

 

Anyhow, what happens if the new roommate not only flirts but actually makes a solid move on him? Is he really going to say no?

 

The only thing I agree with is that OP is safe if the roommate has zero interest in him.

[Lattes4Days]

Sigh. No idea if shes interested in him, he was joking with me the other day about how he'd tell her to get off him if she made a move on him (because I asked him what he'd do in that scenario). I laughed and said "You wouldn't push someone off of you that you were attracted to if they made a move on you" and I'm pretty sure he just smirked and we carried on joking, I cant remember.

 

 

The good news is he said he's "barely seen her" since she moved in, so either that means shes going to stay in her room a lot, or shes going to be out a lot.

 

 

I'm going to see him tomorrow although he's coming to my place so I don't think I'll meet her this weekend but eventually I will, and hopefully shes the type of person who actually respects when a guy has a girlfriend. I think I'll feel a little better when I can actually gauge his response in person. Because this all happened so fast.

[heavenonearth]

I guess maybe I don't trust him because I haven't even seen what she looks like or how they act around each other, but also because he told me he cheated on his last girlfriend more than once. He said it was the only relationship he cheated in. And like I said, [b]I think he slept with his previous roommate[/b]. He also made a comment to me about a month ago when he was first considering getting a roommate, he said "When you spend that much time with someone, sure, inevitably feelings develop." So even he admitted to that potentially happening. The fact that he wouldn't even show me her picture was upsetting too.

 

He hasn't texted me much in the past few hours, and every text has been an hour apart. I'm guessing its because he's helping her move in. I don't know.

 

I just don't get a good feeling from this. I have no choice but to trust him, I don't want to lose him completely. The answers here are 50/50, so maybe he really wont do anything with her. I suppose only time will tell.

 

 

It seems your intuition tells you something is off. but please, let me tell you one thing: Often these things are like a self fulfilling prophecy! If you'd be super cool about this, and not nag him about the roommate ever, he'd probably never have ideas in his head at all.

 

Donnovain, he said he wont cheat on me or do anything with her...so he didn't really imply he'd sleep with her specifically because he didn't even know her at that point. I think he was just speaking in general terms.

 

and as far as the picture, he added her on facebook. So yes, he has a picture he could have shown me.

 

He just texted me, I asked if she had moved in yet and he said "Yeah, she did. It feels nice not to worry quite as much about money" I said "Hows it going?" he said "Barely seen her. So, great." I said "Lol" he said "She seems nice though. I don't think we'll have problems." I said "That's good."

 

If he said he wont cheat on you then believe him.

If he added her on FB, why don't you just check her out yourself on FB if you are so desperate to know what she looks like?

 

It also seems by now that the only thing you and your BF ever talk about is this new roommate. I don't think you are on the winning path here.....

 

 

He did say that he wouldn't sleep with a roommate again because we discussed this, and he said "Ok what happens if I sleep with a roommate? We have sex, great, but then I can't bring a girl over to my apartment. And she says - oh by the way, I'll be late on rent this month."

 

We had this conversation last week when discussing his potential for getting a female roommate. Apparently he had that happen to him before and it made things messy.

He also said what you said Kassy, that even if she was hot it would be irrelevant.

 

Ok, so he said he wont do it again, good. Believe him.

However, the way he said it doesn't even include you, which I find weird.

It would make sense if he said "I won't sleep with my roommate because I AM WITH YOU!"

 

Are you sure this guy is your boyfriend?

 

Hes never cheated on me, he cheated on his last girlfriend before me and claims that was the only relationship hes ever cheated in because they had serious underlying problems.

 

if I ever find out he's cheating on me, obviously I would break up with him, that would be game over. The issue here is that I won't really know if he does or doesn't...unless what, unless I find her underwear in his bed? Unlikely.

 

I am not one of those who think once a cheater always a cheater, but, BUT, I DO think there is caution to be had, since it was his most recent relationship.

Of course cheating is never ok, even if there are serious underlying problems, as you said. But don't you think you guys have some serious problems right now? Jealousy and constant pestering about roommate.... that's a huge problem, if you ask me. Huge enough for you to actively keep worrying, even after people tell you on here to calm it.

 

 

Sigh. No idea if shes interested in him, he was joking with me the other day about how he'd tell her to get off him if she made a move on him (because I asked him what he'd do in that scenario). I laughed and said "You wouldn't push someone off of you that you were attracted to if they made a move on you" and I'm pretty sure he just smirked and we carried on joking, I cant remember.

 

The good news is he said he's "barely seen her" since she moved in, so either that means shes going to stay in her room a lot, or shes going to be out a lot.

 

I'm going to see him tomorrow although he's coming to my place so I don't think I'll meet her this weekend but eventually I will, and hopefully shes the type of person who actually respects when a guy has a girlfriend. I think I'll feel a little better when I can actually gauge his response in person. Because this all happened so fast.

 

You don't joke about this kind of stuff. You said you are 25. How old is he? The conversations you seem to be having sound very immature. Can you communicate this issue sensibly without joking or nagging? And without you worrying? I just don't get it.

[heavenonearth]

I think it's very naive to think that having an attractive female in guy's living space is "nothing".

 

Men are not like women, they think about sex constantly. When I asked long term married men how they have managed to stay faithful, most of them said the same thing "I stayed away from temptation". I am sorry, but this situation is temptation.

 

I don't understand why people marry if they want to have sex with other people. If you want to have sex with other people, then don't commit to one person only for the rest of your life!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't understand why people marry if they want to have sex with other people. If you want to have sex with other people, then don't commit to one person only for the rest of your life!

 

I totally agree with this.

[elaine567]

I see no point in asking him all these questions as he is very unlikely to tell you the truth.

It is not the "proof" you want it to be, it is just the stuff people say to get someone off their back.

 

He has cheated before, he has slept with a room-mate before, so it is a well worn path for him and he could very well do it again.

Whatever he says to you that he will or won't do, is meaningless in the circumstances.

 

My guess is that she will "hot", if she makes her living as a singer; the "music industry" tends to weed out the ugly ones pretty quick.

 

So a young single guy rents out his only spare room to a young and single singer from Argentina...

...of course nothing will happen...

nothing at all to worry about...

 

From the horse's mouth -

he said "When you spend that much time with someone, sure, inevitably feelings develop.