He could have fought for me, but he just let me go. ***Updated***

[bluecastle]

I was wondering how you're doing these days. I went out on a few dates myself, all of them weird in different ways, and, the internet being what it is, kind of thought of your situation in the aftermath. Curious if you've found any more clarity, I suppose, as I keep searching for my own.

[Been]

He isn't going to change and you know it deep down in your gut.

People really for the most part don't change. They might tone down a certain behaviour for someone but they remain the same.

I dated a woman kinda of similar to your situation in a way. Great chemistry. Great conversations. But my gut was always telling me it wouldn't workout-for some reason she had to have attention no matter what. And she would make an effort to change I guess for me but sooner or latter she would revert back to seeking attention.

And I wanted it to work to the point I would bend over backwards but I KNEW deep down it was bound to fail which it did.

[Nothingtolose]

I was wondering how you're doing these days. I went out on a few dates myself, all of them weird in different ways, and, the internet being what it is, kind of thought of your situation in the aftermath. Curious if you've found any more clarity, I suppose, as I keep searching for my own.

 

Hey buddy. Well, wish I could say things have been going great but...not so much. After that 'rendezvous' night with my ex that I mentioned in the initial post, I was a mess for days. I had been going on a ton of dates to distract myself, but wasn't excited about anyone at all, then I saw my ex and it made sense why, because I was obviously still very much in love with him.

 

I went on another date 2 days after that, and walked home crying because I thought about my ex the entire time. That's when I realized I had to put the whole dating thing on hold until I heal. I'm going overseas for 3 weeks next week so I think that may help.

 

I sent him a text about a week and half after that evening, and we exchanged a few texts. I asked how he felt about that night, if it affected him at all, he said of course he still has feelings for me, but we should talk about things in person, not over text. I thought about it for a day, then sent him a text saying I still love him, but I know nothing has changed, he doesn't want to stop smoking weed every night and drinking every night, and until he is ready to change that lifestyle, I can't be with him. I said if he ever feels ready and wants to talk about us again, he can reach out to me, and until then, we shouldn't talk. He wasn't a big fan of my response and got defensive, but clearly I made the right decision, because he hasn't contacted me since.

 

It sucks and I feel like **** most days. I still can't believe he literally chose that lifestyle over me, and I know no matter how much I love him I deserve better than that, so that helps to not go back, but my heart is having a hard time reconciling what my head already knows.

 

It's been a tough couple of months overall. I'm sick and tired of my job, trying to start a business on the side which is tiring, have little time to myself, and miss him constantly. I think about death a lot when I go to sleep....not in a "wanna kill myself" kind of way (I couldn't do it, I don't have it in me), but more so in a "wouldn't it be good to just die and stop feeling like this" kind of way. I know deep down I don't want to die, but I also don't have the energy to do all the things life is asking of me right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

 

How are things with you?

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry to hear you're still in the choppy current, but it sounds like you're getting the clarity you need. He may not want to be the guy he is right now—I get that feeling from your messages, and it may be part of what keeps you drawn to him—but it sounds like he's incapable of changing for you at the moment. It's got to come from within him, and you can't be waiting around for it.

 

Me, I'm decent. I haven't reached out to her since our crazy scorched earth chats, and she hasn't reached out to me. I'm in another city these days—have a home here—and am trying to just focus on reaffirming my own core. I've gone on a few dates, and hear you about that being dismal. When I was a younger, it was a great distraction; but these days it just feels like more noise in a noisy room.

 

There are days when I really, really want to reach out, but then I remember how drained I was from being the only one engaged with making it work and I don't want to go back to that gutted state. So for the time being I'd like to see some engagement from her, and I'm not sure she's got that inside right now.

 

In recent days I've felt something I haven't felt since the breakup, which is relief. Makes me think I need to just breathe into that a bit.

 

I don't know. So hard!

[Gr8fuln2020]

You have to think with your head. Look at all the reasons it's wrong & act accordingly. Stop trying to make this decision with your heart. Your heart consistently steers you wrong on this front.

 

OMG, how true this seems to be!

 

And yet, for the most analytical of us, we fail to heed this wisdom at times. Sheesh.

Edited December 15, 2017 by simpleNfit

[Nothingtolose]

I'm sorry to hear you're still in the choppy current, but it sounds like you're getting the clarity you need. He may not want to be the guy he is right now—I get that feeling from your messages, and it may be part of what keeps you drawn to him—but it sounds like he's incapable of changing for you at the moment. It's got to come from within him, and you can't be waiting around for it.

 

Me, I'm decent. I haven't reached out to her since our crazy scorched earth chats, and she hasn't reached out to me. I'm in another city these days—have a home here—and am trying to just focus on reaffirming my own core. I've gone on a few dates, and hear you about that being dismal. When I was a younger, it was a great distraction; but these days it just feels like more noise in a noisy room.

 

There are days when I really, really want to reach out, but then I remember how drained I was from being the only one engaged with making it work and I don't want to go back to that gutted state. So for the time being I'd like to see some engagement from her, and I'm not sure she's got that inside right now.

 

In recent days I've felt something I haven't felt since the breakup, which is relief. Makes me think I need to just breathe into that a bit.

 

I don't know. So hard!

 

That is so good, it feels like you've made a ton of progress - being away in a different city definitely helps! My ex lives super close to me, so knowing he is a few blocks away and that if I want to reach out I could probably get him to come over in the same evening, makes it really hard to maintain self-control.

[bluecastle]

That is so good, it feels like you've made a ton of progress - being away in a different city definitely helps! My ex lives super close to me, so knowing he is a few blocks away and that if I want to reach out I could probably get him to come over in the same evening, makes it really hard to maintain self-control.

 

Yeah, that's really why I'm here—to have real space to think, feel all the feelings, go on some cursory dates, and generally just see what surfaces as I get calmer. And to allow the same for her. Back in my other hometown, she lives 5 blocks from me, and while I'm very disciplined when it comes to not reaching out impulsively I knew it would just add to the stress.

 

I'd love to give it another chance—maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but I'm willing to risk it. I just need that want to be shared, and I'm not sure we're in the same spot on that front.

[Nothingtolose]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years (4.5 year history) 3 months ago. It was my decision, due to multiple issues we had which he wasn't addressing (such as going to counselling for his weed and booze addictions).

 

I did okay over the first month, and really believed it was the right thing to do. He didn't want the break up, but accepted it right away and never fought for me (which did make me sad, as I had some hopes that the break up was going to be a wake-up call for him to change - so naive). First and second month we had minimal contact, and overall I was feeling okay, although halfway through month 2 I started dreaming about him constantly and crying randomly often from missing him.

 

During those 2 months I went on multiple dates, and wasn't interested in anyone no matter how hard I tried. Ex reached out to me at the end of month two to meet up, I caved and we met. We slept together and had an incredible night, and I ended up seeing him again this week, even though I swore to myself that I wouldn't. So over month 3, we've had a little more contact and slept together twice - both times incredible and very emotionally charged, where we both admitted we still loved each other.

 

The last time has been 2 days and I haven't heard from him. I sent him a text last night and he still hasn't responded - and I saw he recently added a new girl on fb (though it seems she's a friend of a friend who's visiting and has a boyfriend, but I'm not 100% sure). Just seeing him add a new pretty girl on his fb sent me into a PANIC - so bad that I woke up with anxiety and a pounding heart at 4 am. I am a total mess today obsessing over this and him not replying to my text - although him taking ages to reply to texts really is nothing new.

 

I don't know how I went from being fine on month 1 to the mess I am now. I'm at the end of a very difficult course with multiple assignments to deliver and can't get anything done. I know this guy is wrong for me, that's why we broke up in the first place! But my entire life in this city was based around him (been here 4 years and met him on my second month), every memory is tied to him, he lives just a few blocks away from me, and to make it worse, I only had 4 single gf's and they ALL got a boyfriend in the last 6 months - every single one of them. My social circle here isnt great, everyone is in relationships and I feel completely alone. The last night we met, I called him because of how lonely I felt - I had to go to a bar alone that night as there was no one else to go with.

 

I worry that while I'm here I'll never be able to dettach from him and that maybe I have to move somewhere else. He says he loves me but seems okay with letting me go, and is putting zero effort into doing the things he knows would mean a second chance for us. I need to go NC but I'm not sure how to do that when I have such little emotional support here to rely on.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I don't know how I went from being fine on month 1 to the mess I am now.

 

You know why.....because you broke NC.

 

Are you going to visit your family for the holidays at all?

 

Are you still friends with him on FB or just looking at his profile?

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry for how you are feeling. It's still a relatively fresh breakup and it's hard during the holidays. But, it will get better.

 

You did the right thing, you don't want to tie yourself down to someone who has issues with drugs and alcohol. But, if you want to get over your ex, you need to stop talking to him, stalking him on social media, and for goodness sake... stop having sex with him.

 

It is far too early for you to think about dating which is why the dates you've had have been duds. Give yourself time to get over this... It will get better.

[Nothingtolose]

You know why.....because you broke NC.

 

Are you going to visit your family for the holidays at all?

 

Are you still friends with him on FB or just looking at his profile?

 

I am, thank God. I leave on Wednesday for 2.5 weeks and cannot wait. I have lots of close friends too back home, so it will really help get my mind off things.

 

I am still friends with him on there - although we have both unfollowed each other's feed. He hasn't even removed 'in a relationship' from his status yet - I did it after 2 weeks. We wanted to do the 'mature' thing and stay friends to check in on each other etc, and I thought it would be fine, but I think it isn't helping. It's an odd situation because no one really 'dumped' anyone - well, I did dump him, but did it for valid reasons, and he knew I still loved him and that he could do the work to get us back - but he's too lazy to actually do it, and claims I don't "accept him as he is". Also, his fb is public, so I could still look even if I deleted him, but he hardly posts on there at all.

 

The issue is I started a very difficult course/program 2 weeks after the break up, to help me launch my own business. It's 20-30 hours a week worth of assignments, on top of my full time job (I only have 1 more class and 3 assignments now though, and graduate early Jan). The course was a great distraction over the first and second month, but now I just feel extremely tired and overwhelmed, so job + assignments > little time to myself > social isolation from people as I have little time > feeling lonely and resorting to the ex.

 

Perhaps once the course is done and I can do the business stuff at my own pace, I can start having more of a life again, and occupying my time with happy things, so I feel less alone.

 

The thing that is bothering me is that I've started to have hope again, hope that he'll wake up and change, I've thought about just laying the cards on the table and saying I can't be seeing/sleeping with him like this, so either he does the work required to try and get back together, or we need to cut off contact for good.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've thought about just laying the cards on the table and saying I can't be seeing/sleeping with him like this, so either he does the work required to try and get back together, or we need to cut off contact for good.

 

That's exactly what you should do. And it doesn't sound like he's willing to do the work. How old is he?

 

You sound driven and mature. He still wants to party.

 

I hope your time at home provides you with some much needed rest and peace. Don't talk to him at all while you're there, is my advice!

[Nothingtolose]

That's exactly what you should do. And it doesn't sound like he's willing to do the work. How old is he?

 

You sound driven and mature. He still wants to party.

 

I hope your time at home provides you with some much needed rest and peace. Don't talk to him at all while you're there, is my advice!

 

He is 36 (but def acts like he's 21). He's not really a 'party' guy, but he likes to come home, get stoned, drink beers and play video games. Very little drive/ambition, not an active person, extremely messy and helped me very little around the house when we lived together, which put a massive strain on our relationship. He's an only child (and adopted) and has a mother who has always done everything for him and still dotes on him. If we got married and had kids, the weight of everything would be on my shoulders.

 

I'm always very busy when I go home, so it will be easier to not talk to him when I'm there. It's when I'm here that it's a problem - it's the dead of winter, all friends in relationships, and he lives super close to me, and is ready and willing to meet basically whenever I want, but it doesnt help me move forward and get the relationship I really want when I'm still attached to him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He is 36 (but def acts like he's 21). He's not really a 'party' guy, but he likes to come home, get stoned, drink beers and play video games. Very little drive/ambition, not an active person, extremely messy and helped me very little around the house when we lived together, which put a massive strain on our relationship. He's an only child (and adopted) and has a mother who has always done everything for him and still dotes on him. If we got married and had kids, the weight of everything would be on my shoulders.

 

I'm always very busy when I go home, so it will be easier to not talk to him when I'm there. It's when I'm here that it's a problem - it's the dead of winter, all friends in relationships, and he lives super close to me, and is ready and willing to meet basically whenever I want, but it doesnt help me move forward and get the relationship I really want when I'm still attached to him.

 

Stay strong! You can definitely do better! It's ok to be alone for a bit. Try to just enjoy your alone time if you can. (Easy for me to say, literally, because I love my alone time)

[Nothingtolose]

Thank you.

 

It's just hard cause right now I have no motivation for life. I feel like I'm literally just paying a rent to be able to live on the earth (don't we all?). I don't see the point in anything. I'm living in a city where I don't have a ton of friends, and the ones I do have are in relationships and have their own lives and not a ton of time for me. I hate my job, and trying to launch my own business with very little capital to invest has proven to be extremely difficult. My grandma (who raised me as a mum) is very sick and probably doesn't have long to live, and to top it off, my building is going to be demolished, and initially I thought I wouldn't have to move till Jan 2019 but it looks like it'll be way sooner - it could even be as early as March.

 

It's so hard to do life with a broken heart. I miss him all the time, and sometimes I feel like I should just settle, put up with his crap, at least to have someone to navigate this exhausting life with. Being without him feels even harder than being with him was, when I tell friends i ended a relationship with a man i still loved, they go "you're so strong" - yet I dont feel strong at all, because im crying every day and questioning why I did what I did. I think it's because deep down I don't believe I'll find better, and life is just a **** show right now, that would be easier to get through next to someone.

[bluecastle]

I'm so, so very sorry to hear the pain has amplified lately. Since you gave me some advice that goes against a lot of the thinking on here, I'll do the same.

 

Before laying all the cards on the table, take a month of no contact. Use that time to force yourself to do something good for yourself every day, even if it's just sitting with all the pain and telling yourself, "This is where I'm supposed to be right now." Also use that time to honestly ask yourself, "Was life better when I shared it with him, or not?" If after a month the answer is yes, knowing everything you know about him, then you reach out and put the cards on the table and see where it gets you.

 

That's kind of been my approach, and it's helped me find some calm.

[PegNosePete]

We wanted to do the 'mature' thing and stay friends

What's so "mature" about that? Surely it is more mature to realise that this episode of your life is over and to begin the process of moving on, by removing his influence from your life? And that means removing your social media connection.

 

his fb is public, so I could still look even if I deleted him

So you have to use your willpower to NOT cyber stalk him.

 

I've thought about just laying the cards on the table and saying I can't be seeing/sleeping with him like this, so either he does the work required to try and get back together, or we need to cut off contact for good.

That sounds like a great plan to me. Don't allow yourself to be placed in endless purgatory. You need to know one way or the other what's going on, and then you can make some positive decisions about your future.