He could have fought for me, but he just let me go. ***Updated***

[Nothingtolose]

It seems pretty simple to me, he's looking to reconnect with you. Does he just want friendship or hoping for something more? Too early to tell.

 

The bigger question is how do YOU feel about him popping back up after 3 years? Are you ready to friends with him now? What about getting back together, is that something you'd be open to?

 

I think you need to get straight about YOUR feelings and then proceed accordingly. Like I said, it's too early to tell what or if he has an agenda.

 

Also, I would try and suspend any expectations if you can including an apology that's 3 years too late.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh, just to clarify, we were together for 3 years (with another year of on-off casual dating before that), but we only broke up 2 months ago - so it's still very fresh.

 

Lol if it had been 3 years I would hope I'd have already moved on by then haha...oh, and I did have an ex once apologize to me 2.5 years after the break up haha, crazy but it does happen.

[stillafool]

 

I didnt think much of him reaching out about the medical tests, but unsure why he's reaching out to tell me about a promotion. Is he trying to be friends? Trying to keep the doors open? Why not go tell one of his friends instead of me? It literally sounded like he had just been offered it, because he said "So, I just got offered blah blah".

 

What do you guys think?

 

Maybe he just reached out to tell you about his promotion to prove he isn't such a loser after all. I'm sure he felt like one after you broke up with him even if you didn't mean to make him feel that way. Also old habits are hard to break as you were in his life 3 years. I'm sure he celebrated with his friends.

[basil67]

There's no such thing as a 'force dump'. You dumped him fair and square and for good reason. Take ownership of your good sense and don't give him any credit for the breakup.

 

As for why he told you about the promotion? He probably wanted to show you that he's not a complete loser. I guess he figured that you'd care.

[Nothingtolose]

There's no such thing as a 'force dump'. You dumped him fair and square and for good reason. Take ownership of your good sense and don't give him any credit for the breakup.

 

As for why he told you about the promotion? He probably wanted to show you that he's not a complete loser. I guess he figured that you'd care.

 

I had a sense that's what it was. Even the medical tests, I used to always bug him to go to the doctor because he was having health issues and not going to the doc for so long. It seems he's reaching out to tell me "look at all these things I'm doing now".

 

And yeah, I know I was the one who dumped him, it's odd how it often doesn't feel that way, because I'm the one who's hurting and he seems to be doing just fine.

[basil67]

I had a sense that's what it was. Even the medical tests, I used to always bug him to go to the doctor because he was having health issues and not going to the doc for so long. It seems he's reaching out to tell me "look at all these things I'm doing now".

 

And yeah, I know I was the one who dumped him, it's odd how it often doesn't feel that way, because I'm the one who's hurting and he seems to be doing just fine.

 

Yeah, dumping someone can hurt terribly. But if he's reaching out to you to tell you news, then I suspect he's probably hurting too. Of course, it doesn't mean that you can or should get back together, but I guarantee you're not alone in your pain.

[Nothingtolose]

He's been living at his parents since we moved out of our shared place back in May (we stayed together 4.5 more months after that, while living separately and trying to work through our issues).

 

Now he just told me he will be moving back into his old studio in March, a studio his best friend owns (the guy lives next door), where he lived for a few years before we moved in together. It's a tiny shoebox, and his best friend is a big loser in his mid 40s who sells weed, is constantly in debt, and doesnt have his **** together (also a narcissistic person, who was rude/condescending to me and other people on many occasions).

 

When he lived there, he used to constantly hang out at his best friend's place, smoking and drinking (this guy has people over all the time and they all share this lifestyle), and the fact he is going right back to that environment just shows he has no intention of changing or moving on to better things. How depressing. Clearly I made the right choice, but ugh.

[Nothingtolose]

Clearly everyone on this site recommends NC for a reason, and a very valid one at that. I was feeling a bit ****ty this week, missing him loads (probably the hardest week since the break up happened), and so he just happened to reach out when I was already vulnerable, which wasn't great, and now I feel even worse.

 

He asked about how my course is going (I'm trying to launch a business) and when I told him about my progress he said he was very proud of me, and called me by the pet name he used to call me when we were together. He later went on to ask if I wanted to grab dinner and "catch up" to which I responded it wouldn't be a good idea etc as I'm not healed and don't think it would do either of us any good. He said he misses me, and that his weeks feels empier not having me in them, but that he understands, and that he doesn't want to hurt the progress we've made, but that I should reach out if/when I'm ready.

 

I can't tell if this is him wanting to be friends, or if he's hoping we can eventually get back together, but again he has made no mention of working on the main issue that broke us apart (him not getting counselling to work on his addictions), so this tells me nothing has changed in this regard anyway.

 

I feel so set back after this conversation, not that I had made a ton of progress, but I now understand why I've gone on several dates and have had no desire to go on a second date with either of these guys, even though some were perfectly nice and even attractive. I'm still broken inside and far from healed. I've been trying to stay busy, but I still love this guy, and there is still a part of me that hasn't accepted or processed what has happened. I've cried several times today and every part of my chest seems to hurt.

[Highndry]

Simply ask him what his intentions are. You're never going to know otherwise. However, I think you have to have a conversation with yourself first, to understand what you want and how you're going to react if he says he wants to get back together or if he wants to just be friends. He may just be trying to sleep with you again. There are a number of scenarios, but if you're truly trying to leave him you are only hurting both of your causes by entertaining him.

[Nothingtolose]

Simply ask him what his intentions are. You're never going to know otherwise. However, I think you have to have a conversation with yourself first, to understand what you want and how you're going to react if he says he wants to get back together or if he wants to just be friends. He may just be trying to sleep with you again. There are a number of scenarios, but if you're truly trying to leave him you are only hurting both of your causes by entertaining him.

 

You're right. I did ask if he thinks we made the right choice (I still think we did, well...I did, but he accepted the break up), and he said that was not a conversation to have over chat - and since I wasn't willing to meet in person, I didn't push it.

 

I would not get back together unless he had done some serious work on himself, and I don't think he has, because he would have mentioned it if he had. Going to the doc and getting promoted is great for him, but our main big reason for breaking up was his unwillingness to work on his addictions to pot and booze and seek counselling. Sure there were other issues, but a lot of those issues stemmed from his abuse of these two things.

[marky00]

Maybe he just reached out to tell you about his promotion to prove he isn't such a loser after all.

 

^^^^^ This

[Highndry]

You're right. I did ask if he thinks we made the right choice (I still think we did, well...I did, but he accepted the break up), and he said that was not a conversation to have over chat - and since I wasn't willing to meet in person, I didn't push it.

 

I would not get back together unless he had done some serious work on himself, and I don't think he has, because he would have mentioned it if he had. Going to the doc and getting promoted is great for him, but our main big reason for breaking up was his unwillingness to work on his addictions to pot and booze and seek counselling. Sure there were other issues, but a lot of those issues stemmed from his abuse of these two things.

 

I could never be with a substance abuser. I've had them in my family and I can't stand being around them. If it bothers you now, it's never going to get better.

[Nothingtolose]

I could never be with a substance abuser. I've had them in my family and I can't stand being around them. If it bothers you now, it's never going to get better.

 

I had never had a relationship with a substance abuser before. I mean, I had dated a guy who drank a lot in my mid 20's, but most of us/our friends were also partying and drinking a lot around then, so I did not think much of it - also we were only together 6 months and never lived together.

 

I have one alcoholic uncle in my family, but we are not close, so I'll admit my knowledge of addictions wasn't great before this recent ex. I thought it was a phase he could grow out of, or something he could change if he was willing to, but the more I started reading about it (and the more I saw his daily behaviour), the more I realized the probably ran a lot deeper than I initially led myself to believe. I realized how serious it was and that I just could not live with it, or plan to marry/have kids with someone like that, so that's when a lot of our problems began.

 

I still find it heartbreaking that he chose to keep that lifestyle over getting counselling and keeping our relationship. To think that these substances have such a hold on someone that they'd be willing to lose their partner, who they claim to love, is just nuts. And yeah, definitely something I want to spot very early on in a future partner, so I can run the other way before anything happens.

[Highndry]

I had never had a relationship with a substance abuser before. I mean, I had dated a guy who drank a lot in my mid 20's, but most of us/our friends were also partying and drinking a lot around then, so I did not think much of it - also we were only together 6 months and never lived together.

 

I have one alcoholic uncle in my family, but we are not close, so I'll admit my knowledge of addictions wasn't great before this recent ex. I thought it was a phase he could grow out of, or something he could change if he was willing to, but the more I started reading about it (and the more I saw his daily behaviour), the more I realized the probably ran a lot deeper than I initially led myself to believe. I realized how serious it was and that I just could not live with it, or plan to marry/have kids with someone like that, so that's when a lot of our problems began.

 

I still find it heartbreaking that he chose to keep that lifestyle over getting counselling and keeping our relationship. To think that these substances have such a hold on someone that they'd be willing to lose their partner, who they claim to love, is just nuts. And yeah, definitely something I want to spot very early on in a future partner, so I can run the other way before anything happens.

 

Addiction is an ugly thing, and many people never break the cycle. They go all the way to their grave with it.

[salparadise]

I still find it heartbreaking that he chose to keep that lifestyle over getting counselling and keeping our relationship. To think that these substances have such a hold on someone that they'd be willing to lose their partner, who they claim to love, is just nuts.

 

 

It may very well be that the two of you weren't compatible and the breakup was necessary for you.... but, there are erroneous attitudes and assumption contained in the way you're constructing the narrative.

 

First, people don't obediently go into recovery because they are ordered to do so. I wish I had a nickel for every instance of a parent or spouse calling to say that they've decided it's time for a family member to get clean. It never works. It's when the person with the substance problem makes the call and says THEY have decided of their own accord... that's when recovery is possible.

 

Relatively speaking, I'm not even sure how much of a substance problem he has. A beer or two in the evening may be more than you decided you want him to imbibe, but compared to people with serious alcohol addiction it isn't extreme. Weed is generally not considered to be addictive unless consumed in large amounts over time. It's a usually habit, which is not the same. A toke in the evening before bedtime... not considered extreme. But this is all beside the point I want to make.

 

You effectively decided that by virtue of being the holier and more superior half of the relationship to erase personal boundaries and demand that he change to suit your notion of an ideal partner. This is dysfunctional in and of itself, but you went even further and issued the ultimatum. You invalided him overtly. Did you really expect him to just comply as instructed?

 

If partners reach a point where they are continually invalidating one another, it's basically over. The reason for being in the relationship is removed. Then, based on the title of the thread, you broke it off and expected for him to come crawling, begging and promising to do whatever you say, to try and become acceptable to you... it would take a thoroughly diminished and broken person to do that. Letting you go under these circumstances was his only way of holding onto a piece of himself.

 

That's not to say that you can't encourage and help people to make changes, but you do have to maintain personal boundaries, validate and show respect. Of course you are justified in breaking it off if he's not the right partner for you; vilifying him with a one-way narrative isn't necessary.

Edited November 21, 2017 by salparadise

[Highndry]

It may very well be that the two of you weren't compatible and the breakup was necessary for you.... but, there are erroneous attitudes and assumption contained in the way you're constructing the narrative.

 

First, people don't obediently go into recovery because they are ordered to do so. I wish I had a nickel for every instance of a parent or spouse calling to say that they've decided it's time for a family member to get clean. It never works. It's when the person with the substance problem makes the call and says THEY have decided of their own accord... that's when recovery is possible.

 

Completely agree.

 

Relatively speaking, I'm not even sure how much of a substance problem he has. A beer or two in the evening may be more than you decided you want him to imbibe, but compared to people with serious alcohol addiction it isn't extreme. Weed is generally not considered to be addictive unless consumed in large amounts over time. It's a usually habit, which is not the same. A toke in the evening before bedtime... not considered extreme. But this is all beside the point I want to make.

 

You effectively decided that by virtue of being the holier and more superior half of the relationship to erase personal boundaries and demand that he change to suit your notion of an ideal partner. This is dysfunctional in and of itself, but you went even further and issued the ultimatum. You invalided him overtly. Did you really expect him to just comply as instructed?

 

Completely disagree. The guy is smoking weed all day long, drinking every day, he's an addict.

[Nothingtolose]

It may very well be that the two of you weren't compatible and the breakup was necessary for you.... but, there are erroneous attitudes and assumption contained in the way you're constructing the narrative.

 

First, people don't obediently go into recovery because they are ordered to do so. I wish I had a nickel for every instance of a parent or spouse calling to say that they've decided it's time for a family member to get clean. It never works. It's when the person with the substance problem makes the call and says THEY have decided of their own accord... that's when recovery is possible.

 

Relatively speaking, I'm not even sure how much of a substance problem he has. A beer or two in the evening may be more than you decided you want him to imbibe, but compared to people with serious alcohol addiction it isn't extreme. Weed is generally not considered to be addictive unless consumed in large amounts over time. It's a usually habit, which is not the same. A toke in the evening before bedtime... not considered extreme. But this is all beside the point I want to make.

 

You effectively decided that by virtue of being the holier and more superior half of the relationship to erase personal boundaries and demand that he change to suit your notion of an ideal partner. This is dysfunctional in and of itself, but you went even further and issued the ultimatum. You invalided him overtly. Did you really expect him to just comply as instructed?

 

If partners reach a point where they are continually invalidating one another, it's basically over. The reason for being in the relationship is removed. Then, based on the title of the thread, you broke it off and expected for him to come crawling, begging and promising to do whatever you say, to try and become acceptable to you... it would take a thoroughly diminished and broken person to do that. Letting you go under these circumstances was his only way of holding onto a piece of himself.

 

That's not to say that you can't encourage and help people to make changes, but you do have to maintain personal boundaries, validate and show respect. Of course you are justified in breaking it off if he's not the right partner for you; vilifying him with a one-way narrative isn't necessary.

 

I understand your point of view as you don't know the relationship and probably only read my last post, but it's not as simple as that. Had I know the depth of the issue, I would have not gotten into the relationship. I knew he smoked weed, but didn't realize it was an every day occurrence, neither did I know how much it impacted his life (and consequently, our life). I also knew he drank, but didn't know it was several beers every single night. These things revealed themselves after we started living together, along with the problems that came with it: the regular smoking and drinking made him sluggish (and yes, it was huge amounts every night, not a "toke before bedtime"), apathetic, unwilling to help around the house, verbally abusive when we fought, he lost 2 jobs due to lack of motivation and was unemployed for 8 and 5 months respectively, putting a huge strain on our relationship.

 

I never thought I was "holier" or "more superior", not sure how you got that idea, but I also know people on this site can be extremely judgemental, so I'm not surprised. I never gave an ultimatum either. I told him I was unhappy, we moved out to live separately for a few months (while staying together and working things out with a bit of space) and he knew what needed to be worked on for us to stay together. He agreed to counselling when he could have simply said "nope, not doing it". I did not hold a gun to his head. He made promises, but ultimately did not follow through with them, and then I walked away - no final ultimatums were given, I just ended the relationship.

 

I was extremely supportive and caring throughout the relationship, always raised the issues while carefully considering my words and trying not to 'attack' him, yet instead of the issues getting better over time, they got worse. Even mutual friends of ours, guys who were friends with him, have told me that I deserved better.

 

"it would take a thoroughly diminished and broken person to do that" - no, it would take a man who is willing to follow through on his words, because he did recognize himself that he needed to take action and go to counselling because the addictions were negatively impacting his life - unfortunately I waited for months and it never happened, so that's when I walked.

[salparadise]

I understand your point of view as you don't know the relationship and probably only read my last post, but it's not as simple as that. Had I know the depth of the issue, I would have not gotten into the relationship. I knew he smoked weed, but didn't realize it was an every day occurrence, neither did I know how much it impacted his life (and consequently, our life). I also knew he drank, but didn't know it was several beers every single night. These things revealed themselves after we started living together, along with the problems that came with it: the regular smoking and drinking made him sluggish (and yes, it was huge amounts every night, not a "toke before bedtime"), apathetic, unwilling to help around the house, verbally abusive when we fought, he lost 2 jobs due to lack of motivation and was unemployed for 8 and 5 months respectively, putting a huge strain on our relationship.

 

I never thought I was "holier" or "more superior", not sure how you got that idea, but I also know people on this site can be extremely judgemental, so I'm not surprised. I never gave an ultimatum either. I told him I was unhappy, we moved out to live separately for a few months (while staying together and working things out with a bit of space) and he knew what needed to be worked on for us to stay together. He agreed to counselling when he could have simply said "nope, not doing it". I did not hold a gun to his head. He made promises, but ultimately did not follow through with them, and then I walked away - no final ultimatums were given, I just ended the relationship.

 

I was extremely supportive and caring throughout the relationship, always raised the issues while carefully considering my words and trying not to 'attack' him, yet instead of the issues getting better over time, they got worse. Even mutual friends of ours, guys who were friends with him, have told me that I deserved better.

 

"it would take a thoroughly diminished and broken person to do that" - no, it would take a man who is willing to follow through on his words, because he did recognize himself that he needed to take action and go to counselling because the addictions were negatively impacting his life - unfortunately I waited for months and it never happened, so that's when I walked.

 

Okay, you're right in that I don't know him, don't know the extent of his substance use, and don't have any in-depth knowledge of the relationship. I'm only going on what you posted. I don't mean for this to come off as an attack, and I'm sorry if I was overly direct or critical. But...

 

There are are a couple of points that I stand by and hope you will consider without being too defensive... first, you're creating a narrative that justifies your decision to end the relationship (understandable), and in this narrative you characterize him as having a serious substance abuse problem that made him lethargic and caused him to be unemployable. This is your conclusion, judgement, and narrative. Someone else might interpret the circumstances differently, have more compassion, tolerance, or view him as a worthy, lovable person going through a tough time... needing empathy and support, and be willing to give it.

 

I'm not saying that you didn't have the right to end it due to him not being the right partner for you, I'm saying that you need to own your decision rather than putting it all on him. The part that doesn't work for me is how you are saying that he effectively ended it himself by not following your directive. You don't need to turn him into a worthless, disobedient, no-count, drug addict to be justified. You could write the narrative such that there were lifestyle incompatibilities that didn't work for you, so you decided to terminate. Which is okay.

 

The other facet that I will reiterate without going into a long spiel is that in order for a relationship to work, you have to accept people for who they are, knowing that you are choosing to love an imperfect person, and loving the whole person. You can't just say, we need to excise this or that aspect for you to be acceptable and worthy of being loved.

 

You view it as having given him a chance to change... in order to become worthy. That sort of does put you in the posture of being holier and superior, whether you like that characterization or not. How many people, men or women, want a relationship wherein they are viewed as fundamentally unworthy and realize that the dynamic is such that they have no power, are always on thin ice, and are just one mistake away from being devalued and abandoned?

 

The five A's of mindful loving... Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing. Think about each of these individually, and note the ones that are compatible with 'I'm giving you one last chance to change.'

[CaliBabe]

The five A's of mindful loving... Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing. Think about each of these individually, and note the ones that are compatible with 'I'm giving you one last chance to change.'

 

The five A's of mindful loving... I had to write that one down. There are few times I see such beautiful and profound words. Note the ones that are compatible with "I'm giving you one last chance to change." I mean damn... that made me stop for a minute and think about myself and how I am operating in my own relationship. Good stuff salparadise!!!

[Nothingtolose]

You view it as having given him a chance to change... in order to become worthy. That sort of does put you in the posture of being holier and superior, whether you like that characterization or not. How many people, men or women, want a relationship wherein they are viewed as fundamentally unworthy and realize that the dynamic is such that they have no power, are always on thin ice, and are just one mistake away from being devalued and abandoned?

 

The five A's of mindful loving... Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing. Think about each of these individually, and note the ones that are compatible with 'I'm giving you one last chance to change.'

 

The thing is, I never saw his addictions as a core part of who he is as a person (perhaps I should have?). To me, accepting someone as they are, would be accepting things such as someone being messy (which he was and I made a real effort to be okay with, although it bothered me), or being introverted etc...core personality traits. Choosing to smoke and drink a lot is not a personality trait, it's a lifestyle choice. So to me, asking him to change those habits never implied "you are unworthy of being loved as you are", it implied "you are making lifestyle choices that are impacting your life and our relationship negatively". Personality traits X lifestyle choices to me are very different things. I went out and drank a lot in my 20s, not because that was a part of my personality, but because I wanted to make those lifestyle choices at that time, and overtime, I chose to make better choices for myself.

 

These 5 ways of mindful loving are beautiful in theory, but it takes two people to exercise that in a relationship...as I stated, he was often very verbally abusive to me in our fights (which I never was to him), and every time someone treats you that way, it chirps away at the love/admiration and respect you have for one another. So perhaps I would have been more inclined to continue to be loving/accepting/supportive, but the way he started to treat me made me less and less inclined to be/do so.

 

Also I never "gave him one last chance to change", I only stated what my needs were and as it turns out, what I needed to be happy was not compatible with how he wanted to live his life. Again, the only issue with that is that he didn't make that clear from the beginning, and instead made promises to do things that he didn't have any real intentions of following through on.

[Nothingtolose]

I have a 4.5 year history with my ex. We were FWB for 7 months because I was only in his country temporarily, I left for 8 months then ended up coming back (not for him, for a job offer), we started seeing each other again and then became a couple. We were then together for about 3 years, lived together for 1.5 years.

 

I'm the dumper, we broke up 2 months ago. I classify it as a "forced dump" because deep down I did not want to leave him. However, we'd been fighting non-stop for over a year, we tried couples counselling, and our last 5 months together we were already living separately to take a bit of space while we tried to work on the relationship. Our core issues did not improve. I had an issue with his addiction to pot and booze (which I did not realize was really bad until we moved in together). His daily drinking and getting stoned made him lethargic, lazy, apathetic, and caused him to lose 2 jobs which saw him unemployed for 8 and 5 months while we were together. He covered up some emotional traumas and issues with the weed and booze and I asked him repeatedly to seek counselling to work on that, and he promised he would but never did. I decided I did not want to spend my life and get married/have kids with someone like that and walked away.

 

These past 2 months we have had low contact, and I was deeply hurt that he never tried to fix things or try to fight for us (all he had to do was book a counselling session and show he was willing to work on his addictions, but clearly he wasn't and isn't). I was sad and missing him but was overall getting through the days and staying busy. A few days ago he contacted me to tell me of his recent promotion and said he missed me and that we should meet. I declined and said it wouldn't be good for us, but about two days later I caved, met with him, and I'm sure you know where the story is going.

 

We had dinner/drinks and the most amazing night together. He held my hand for the entire dinner, kept looking at me and smiling, saying how much he's missed me and how hard it's been for him not to reach out to me, and I could see in his eyes he still very much loves me. He was more attentive/a better listener than he had been for a long time in our relationship. We always had amazing sexual chemistry, and this night was no different, and he was more affectionate than ever.

 

I tried not to make a big deal of it, but needless to say, I was a bit of a mess the next couple of days. I've been on a few dates since the break up (didnt do anything with any of the guys), but wasn't interested in anyone because unfortunately my heart is still his. He has been contacting me since and hinting he wants to see me again and I've been trying to be strong, but it's just so incredibly hard.

 

I think there's a part of him that maybe wants to get back together (he told me that he knew we had to break up, which is why he did not 'fight for me', but that he could not have done it himself because he loved me so much). I know he's got a more stable job now and is growing in his career and has mostly paid off his debt (which was also an issue we had), but the big core issue which is his regular smoking/drinking still continues and he made no mention of going to counselling or wanting to stop. I think we both know our lifestyles and core values are not aligned, and that getting back together would be a mistake, but we've always been drawn to each other like magnets and can't seem to let go. I know I should have gone full NC at this point, but it's so hard when you want to be with someone and you know they also want to be with you, it's just freaking heartbreaking on all levels. Aside from the physical chemistry we're also really good friends and share the same sense of humor, and when we're not fighting, I just love being in his company.

 

Has anyone had this type of connection with someone (that was reciprocated) but you know you're not right for each other? How did you manage to finally let go?

[kailah]

You need to go completely no contact with him. Little trickles of contact keep the feelings alive, even when they are not in your best interest. People can, and do change, but they have to WANT to change. Change is hard work and it takes a lot of time. It can take years for someone to fully change, and not just make a temporary change.

 

It might not be what you want to hear, but sometimes a person cannot change while being in the same relationship or going back to the same relationship. So while it may seem like "they wouldn't put in the effort for me but they did for someone else", that's not really the case. The other person is just a better fit for them, and that's okay. It hurts, but it's okay.

 

My advice, go complete no contact. In the end you will be happier, trust me.

[Nothingtolose]

It might not be what you want to hear, but sometimes a person cannot change while being in the same relationship or going back to the same relationship. So while it may seem like "they wouldn't put in the effort for me but they did for someone else", that's not really the case. The other person is just a better fit for them, and that's okay. It hurts, but it's okay.

 

He had two long term relationships before me and they both left him for similar reasons as mine. I don't think he's going to change, I think he just needs to meet someone who has a similar lifestyle to him (likes to get stoned every night, play video games, watch cartoons, not active etc). I'm sure there are women like that out there, I just happen to not be one of them (his exes werent either. he seems to be attracted to women who are very opposite to him).

[d0nnivain]

You have to think with your head. Look at all the reasons it's wrong & act accordingly. Stop trying to make this decision with your heart. Your heart consistently steers you wrong on this front.

[bluecastle]

I just want to say that my heart really goes out to you. I'm in something of a similar situation myself these days, and can so relate.

 

I'm not as militant about NC as a lot of the posters on here. I think putting ourselves in something of an emotional purgatory can be clarifying, if also really, really challenging.

 

You sound like you've got an incredible head on your shoulders and deep reserves of inner fortitude. Even with this going on you're doing you, living your core values, working, dabbling in dating, etc.—all the healthy things. Acknowledging that your heart remains open to him is healthy, too.

[Nothingtolose]

I just want to say that my heart really goes out to you. I'm in something of a similar situation myself these days, and can so relate.

 

I'm not as militant about NC as a lot of the posters on here. I think putting ourselves in something of an emotional purgatory can be clarifying, if also really, really challenging.

 

You sound like you've got an incredible head on your shoulders and deep reserves of inner fortitude. Even with this going on you're doing you, living your core values, working, dabbling in dating, etc.—all the healthy things. Acknowledging that your heart remains open to him is healthy, too.

 

Thank you...I'm all about self-love, self-esteem, meditation etc, yet still find it hard to live by what I preach sometimes. He reached out to me over the weekend but I kept the conversation to a minimum, and forced myself to go out and have a good time on Saturday night with a friend, which helped a bit.

 

I went on a date Friday night and the guy was nice and all, even attractive, and better than my ex on so many fronts (or at least appeared to be), yet I still thought about him the entire time and walked home in tears, so I realized that trying to go on all these dates to distract myself and not deal with the pain of the break up may be actually delaying my healing process, so I think I'm going to take a break from dating altogether and just focus on myself, my business and spending time with friends.

 

I hope things become better and more clear for you too

 

And d0nnivain, as usual, you are absolutely right. I always read your responses to members here and think you have so much wisdom to offer, I wish we were friends in real life lol.