Rejected Guy for Other, Regretting Decision, Want First Guy

[JennaH]

I'm going to drop B. I might do it tomorrow. I haven't been taking his calls or texts for a few days. A is aware of that.

 

I truly love A and I told him he was my first choice, but I thought he did not want to pursue me. Yes, he told me how he felt, but I thought he was just going to walk away after that since he did not ask me out. I think he has low self-esteem because he does not realize that he actually looks handsome.

 

His friend may be an issue. The two had crushes on each other, but at different times. She is pretty and always has his attention and she hates me. I think any attempt at friendship would be shot down by her. I get it, she was there for him when I went off with B, but if she is not in love with B, then why should she be butting in?

Edited October 20, 2017 by JennaH

[JennaH]

*if she is not in love with A

[springy]

but if she is not in love with B, then why should she be butting in?

 

I assume you mean A instead of B...and my answer to this question would be, because she is his friend. Same as your friends butted in and influenced your decision.

[marky00]

Been 2 and a half years since my ex ended things. We reconnected briefly for a year later and then she disappeared again.

 

 

Since the start of this year, she has been contacting me once per month. I only responded once and asked her what she wanted to say and got no response. Then the monthly texts continued.

 

 

Some of her texts have been the following:

 

 

How have you been?

How's life going?

Are you married?

I wish you a good life (which was later followed up by another "how have you been?")

 

 

It all depends on the breakup but the way you ended things with guy A was pretty bad. My Ex actually dumped me for another guy when I was visiting her in her country and we had known each other for 10 years.

 

 

So I think I can give you a perspective as to how guy A is feeling here.

 

 

One of the hardest things for me was to gradually regain my self-respect. It takes a lot of effort and after all a while I realised that was an essential part of healing. It wasn't always fun ignoring my Ex but I had to for my own survival.

 

 

The thing is but, those text messages she sent came from a bad place and I know I was right and ignoring them. Each time she sent those texts, the more it made me realise she didn't care for my feelings at all.

 

 

I can understand a dumper may not want to do a 180 and come running back, but the reality is that the dumpee always has so much more to lose. Put it this way, a dumpee probably has a 95 per cent chance of being burnt by another encounter with the dumper. Whereas, for the dumper, its probably more like 50/50 and at least if the dumpee rejects them, its just the first time.

 

 

However, you go about this, do your best not to undo the work guy A has dome for himself. It's going to be very selfish of you if you engage with him just to get the upper had or get to apologise or whatever and then disappear again.

 

 

Everyone loses when a relationship ends so don't be so selfish to think you can come out of this with no pain or guilt etc. He has had to take the pain and work on himself. So you must be prepared to do the same. It needs to be you taking this risk and if it doesn't work out, you need to quietly leave the scene with no parting shots and no more ways to undermine his self-respect.

[JennaH]

I admit that my friends were a mistake on my end. I should've just listened to my first instinct with A. I thought A would at least give me a second chance because he always seemed very forgiving.

[marky00]

girls and their friends, dangerous !!!!!

[JennaH]

But isn't A having his friend do the same thing?

[harrybrown]

put yourself in his shoes.

 

now he said the same things to you that you said to him.

 

He dumped you for his neighbor. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

But do not contact him again until you have stopped all contact with B.

 

Stop the madness. and think hard about his feelings. His self respect took quite a hit.

 

After you have stopped "all contact" with B, you can ask him out if you want.

 

This is not the 1950s. Or ask to talk face to face, not text to text.

 

you can tell him of your remorse for hurting him, but that does not bring his self - respect back right away. he will look to your actions.

 

also he will be looking for maturity. See his note to you.

 

make sure this is what you want. Do not do this to him a second time.

 

Think hard about this.

[JennaH]

put yourself in his shoes.

 

now he said the same things to you that you said to him.

 

He dumped you for his neighbor. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

But do not contact him again until you have stopped all contact with B.

 

Stop the madness. and think hard about his feelings. His self respect took quite a hit.

 

After you have stopped "all contact" with B, you can ask him out if you want.

 

This is not the 1950s. Or ask to talk face to face, not text to text.

 

you can tell him of your remorse for hurting him, but that does not bring his self - respect back right away. he will look to your actions.

 

also he will be looking for maturity. See his note to you.

 

make sure this is what you want. Do not do this to him a second time.

 

Think hard about this.

 

You are right. All I did was hurt A and I wasted a lot of time with B. I tried to make things work with B, but the clinging is so troublesome and controlling. B is done in my book. I'm telling him he needs to look elsewhere. I would go give A a gift, but his friend might arrest me because she is a cop...she is a little bit on the tough side.

[JennaH]

His friend also makes me wonder something else. If his friends are clued in about this, if I were able to get A back, would his friends be happy if he was or would they just be suspicious of me?

 

I say this because of how my friends will probably see me after leaving B.

Edited October 20, 2017 by JennaH

[Sweetfish]

You are right. All I did was hurt A and I wasted a lot of time with B. I tried to make things work with B, but the clinging is so troublesome and controlling. B is done in my book. I'm telling him he needs to look elsewhere. I would go give A a gift, but his friend might arrest me because she is a cop...she is a little bit on the tough side.

 

Sorry, but any guy who is going to date you now, with your current sense of reasoning is screwed. Even if you did get guy A.. based on you statements if a guy C comes along you will grow tired of A again.

[marky00]

But isn't A having his friend do the same thing?

 

 

not really, post break-up... anything goes in my opinion, even games if its necessary to lead to healing.

 

 

but while in a relationship, if my partner made a decision affecting us purely based on her friend's opinion's (which has actually happened to me), its way more of a kick to the guts.

[JennaH]

There is one little thing that did kinda sway me towards B aside from my friends. B was a little less timid about physical contact. He gave a lot. A was a little more timid, but he would always ask if I wanted a hug and so on. A said in his first letter that he was afraid that he might be moving on another man's woman and he did not want to disrespect my boundaries. Now, B does it so much that I feel like a toy. A did not want to do anything because he felt like he would be a creep. A does not know how to flirt. So, that is another hesitation I have about A.

 

I appreciate A being a gentleman, but he does not need to be afraid. I did cry a little rereading his first letter today. He said that he loved it when I would hug him because it made his day special...even if it was for a few seconds.

[LivingWaterPlease]

There is one little thing that did kinda sway me towards B aside from my friends. ...... A did not want to do anything because he felt like he would be a creep. A does not know how to flirt. So, that is another hesitation I have about A.

 

I appreciate A being a gentleman, but he does not need to be afraid. I did cry a little rereading his first letter today. He said that he loved it when I would hug him because it made his day special...even if it was for a few seconds.

 

Are you sure you wouldn't be just using A to fill the gap B left because you got tired of B being clingy?

 

Above bolded says you have a hesitation about A. If you have hesitations about him, don't put him through another round.

 

Also, if you decide you really want to try to be a friend to A, then ask him how he sees a friendship with the two of you progressing. Be humble. Tell him you realize you've blown it with him but would like to start all over again and ask him for suggestions on what would make him feel you are a safe friend for him.

[JennaH]

Well, B just called me and I ended it. He took it a little hard, but said he felt something was off on his side too. He wishes I could've given him a better chance and that his dad said we were a match made in Heaven (I have never talked to his dad while we went out). I hope B finds someone where he does not need to be so clingy.

 

As for A, I need to take some time to think. If I try again, I have to prepare as if it is for life, so I do not waste any of our time. I think I can get over A and his shyness, I just need to coax him out of his shell. I just hope I haven't hurt him too much. He is really sweet when he is open. I will say some prayers tonight to help A heal emotionally because I did a number on him. In reflection, I cannot believe I got so mad because he was cautious and shared his feelings. If I was in his shoes, it would have been hard for me to say what he said. I feel selfish that two people got burned because of me not being able to handle my emotions.

Edited October 21, 2017 by JennaH

[JennaH]

I texted A to tell him about me leaving B and that I hoped that he was doing well.

 

He responded! I'm not blocked!

 

He texted back "I hope that is what you wanted with B. You should enjoy being single for a bit. It is okay to be alone. I've been trying to enjoy it. I learned that the best things will come when you do not search for them. Good luck!"

[marky00]

 

He texted back "I hope that is what you wanted with B. You should enjoy being single for a bit. It is okay to be alone. I've been trying to enjoy it. I learned that the best things will come when you do not search for them. Good luck!"

 

He didn't give you much to work on did he. It's really good for him that despite you reaching out, he is making sure he doesn't lose a shred of dignity in the process.

 

 

You might want to refer back to my post earlier in the thread. You may have missed it because I think we posted at the same time.

 

 

Anyway, I totally understand where he is coming from and I can tell you he will absolutely never give up even a tiny piece of his dignity again. So, if you REALLY want this, your just going to have to put yourself totally on the line, even if it means you lose some of your own dignity. And that should only be if your wanting this relationship for the RIGHT reasons.

[JennaH]

He didn't give you much to work on did he. It's really good for him that despite you reaching out, he is making sure he doesn't lose a shred of dignity in the process.

 

 

You might want to refer back to my post earlier in the thread. You may have missed it because I think we posted at the same time.

 

 

Anyway, I totally understand where he is coming from and I can tell you he will absolutely never give up even a tiny piece of his dignity again. So, if you REALLY want this, your just going to have to put yourself totally on the line, even if it means you lose some of your own dignity. And that should only be if your wanting this relationship for the RIGHT reasons.

 

I do find it honorable that he is sticking to his principles and he is at least unblocking me. So, I think there is hope that maybe he will not hate me at the least. A is pretty secure in himself despite being shy. I tried using the jealousy card on him when I was chatting with B and it never worked on A.

 

As for your post, was it the one about your ex? If so, I see what you mean and I see where he is coming from.

 

I REALLY want another shot, but his friend already told me the story about girls who rejected him before and how he iced them out when they came back around. Here is the funny part, she said they all came back around at some point.

 

Call me crazy, but before being trying to get close to him, should I try and be friends with his female friend? Maybe gain some influence?

[Totally OP]

You rely way too much on friendship influence and circles. Friendship brought you to a new church and a friendship circle brought you to a relationship you never really wanted.

 

You're probably, at least subconsciously, aware of the influence of friends over you, judging how you think his friends may hold sway over A.

 

Do not (!) try to befriend one of his friends just so you might get back with him. This is such a shameless and evil behaviour, from a person claiming to be faithful. If I would find out, that someone is using me as a tool to hook up with a friend of mine, I would make the life of this person miserable. If I was to find out, that someone is abusing my friends to have a relationship with me, I would try to break this person. Do not abuse people for your personal needs! You are not a sociopath, aren't you?

[marky00]

I agree.

 

 

Stop all the nonsense about your friends and his.

 

 

It really sucks when breakups are influenced by friends etc.

 

 

All that matters is what you think and what he thinks. And since he is not telling you much at all right now, you might as well just lie low for a while.

 

 

Maybe in time, you'll be able to approach him in a respectful manner and his friends won't be in the picture as much as they are now.

 

 

His friends are doing this because they fear you will just take what u want and leave again. Can't really blame them for thinking that.

 

 

This is kind of good but because this situation will lead to the truth if you really want to be with him for the RIGHT reasons. If you really want to be with him, then you will take the pain and bide your time.

[usa1ah]

Jenna,

 

I have read through your thread and I have a few things to suggest.

 

1. Stop playing games. Don’t buddy up to his friend to get to him. Playing games instead of having faith things would work out is what got you to this point.

 

2. Ask him if the two of you can talk face to face. If he is ok with this then be completely honest about what has gone on. Let him know exactly how you felt and how his actions made you feel. If he cared he should have shown it more.

 

3. Have the faith afterwards that it is in Gods hands. Don’t listen to your friends about relationships. Most of the time it’s bias. Listen to that little voice instead and your heart.

 

Best wishes Jenna, God bless.

[JennaH]

Jenna,

 

I have read through your thread and I have a few things to suggest.

 

1. Stop playing games. Don’t buddy up to his friend to get to him. Playing games instead of having faith things would work out is what got you to this point.

 

2. Ask him if the two of you can talk face to face. If he is ok with this then be completely honest about what has gone on. Let him know exactly how you felt and how his actions made you feel. If he cared he should have shown it more.

 

3. Have the faith afterwards that it is in Gods hands. Don’t listen to your friends about relationships. Most of the time it’s bias. Listen to that little voice instead and your heart.

 

Best wishes Jenna, God bless.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the thoughts and advice. I do want to talk to him face-to-face to at least get out what has been on my mind. I agree about listening to the little voice. My emotions were all over the place when A told me he liked me and B was going out with me. I should have waited to let things simmer. That is why I need to sit and listen to my emotions a bit longer before I take any further action.

[JennaH]

Well, I was texting A and he sent me a long text. He said he appreciated that I do not hate him and that I am talking to him again, but he says he wants a slowdown on communicating. He said he is not mad or wants me gone, but he needs to relax himself. He said me texting him is stirring up a lot of emotions. He said he was really heartbroken after I pushed him out for B and by the way I did it. He told me about how depressed he felt when I did that and how he felt awful. He said this is not so much me, but he needs to get the past out of his mind before he can do anything further with me. He said while that happens and if I am interested, I should really make sure that I did not leave any open wounds with B just because he knows that things tend to hurt when left unexplained.

 

I will give him space. He spilled his guts out and I never realized how much it hurt him. He broke my heart because he said that it is easy for him to love someone, but it is hard to find someone who loves him back so he has to be careful with who he trusts.

[marky00]

He broke my heart because he said that it is easy for him to love someone, but it is hard to find someone who loves him back so he has to be careful with who he trusts.

 

hmmmm, not sure why that comment broke your heart to be honest.

 

 

he just calling a spade a spade.

[JennaH]

hmmmm, not sure why that comment broke your heart to be honest.

 

 

he just calling a spade a spade.

 

It broke my heart because I know he does not trust me. Yes, I did it to myself, but it I have never thought of myself as untrustworthy. Just waking up to who I can be I guess.