It feels like my soul has been ripped apart

[Darkchan]

I got re-schduled from next week to today for the therapist appointment. I was texted this morning thatif I like someone ahd cancelled their appointment so I could have it re-schduled. I asked for two hours off work and went.

 

In a shorts, I summarised what had happened the past two years of my life. The working abroad and getting hospitalized for burn out symptoms for a week, loosing my eye sight and constant migraine for 4 months. Moving back to my home country to recover and then started working 7 month after the hospitalization. The job offers I turned down in the favor of letting my ex have the job instead seeing as he didn't get any other job offers. That I don't like the job I have currently and that I'm working half time. That I soon will start working with freelace as a teacher on the side for 5 weeks to get something more to do than my other job that I'm on sick leave off.

 

Ofc then I told him about the seperation, which you all now about. I didn't have the chance to go into depth on how the break up happened since the time was up. Only 45 min session. But we talked a little bit of my childhood and also that I'm afraid of being alone, having panic attacks and anxiety issues.

 

All in all we didn't have that much time and I'm not sure what to think of this yet, since we didn't really get to a conclussion about anything. He did ask me what I would like to focus on and what my goals are after the session is over. And I thought about ti and concluded myself that the reason why I suffer from panic attack and anxiety in the first place is becasue of the empty and lonley feeling and my fear of being alone with myself. As soon as i sit alone or am alone I start to panic and don't know what to do. I feel that if I wouldn't have those issues I wouldn't suffer as much from this break up as I am, as I'm afraid of being left alone with my own thoughts. That's why I sit on skype the whole evening and talk to people or go abroad and are barely home. Just to avoid the time with myself.

 

See, the issue of me being scared of lonliness and be alone with myself has to do with that I almost died as a kid, twice. I was wrongly disgnosed with cancer tumours and that i wouldn't survive the surgery as the the tumour was so big. It was never a tumour tho, it was a gigantic cyst in my belly, apartenly cells from another human. My mom ws suppose to have twins, but we never knew that. The cells ended up inside me instead. They removed this 3 kg bubble in my belly when I was twelve, I started suffer from panic attacks during teh nights as I thought I would die when going to sleep. after years I got a but more stable, espcially when I started having boyfriends to cling onto. When 17, same thing happened again, this time in my throat, but around a tennis ball in size. Both times has been severe since the cysts has put pressure on my other organs (also I only have oneovary since one got crushed by the cyst). The surgery has both been through emergency. Second time I almost choked to death.

 

So yes, I have been through some rough times, I have survived and it has damaged me a bit and left me with scars both physically but also mentally. I now need to work on the fear of being alone. My goal is to be able to feel comfortable with being alone, feeling content and not have to constantly keep myself occupied with work or friends. As this is casuing be to burn out again as well. I have too much comitment and to much work to do now.

 

The seperation hurts, I miss him and not just becasue of the fear of being alone. My other exes I felt like I only was with becasue of the lonliness and fear, but this person I really throughly loved and cared deeply about to a point that I was willing to give up a lot for him, even part of my own career in benefits for him.

[toomanyquestions123]

I got re-schduled from next week to today for the therapist appointment. I was texted this morning thatif I like someone ahd cancelled their appointment so I could have it re-schduled. I asked for two hours off work and went.

 

In a shorts, I summarised what had happened the past two years of my life. The working abroad and getting hospitalized for burn out symptoms for a week, loosing my eye sight and constant migraine for 4 months. Moving back to my home country to recover and then started working 7 month after the hospitalization. The job offers I turned down in the favor of letting my ex have the job instead seeing as he didn't get any other job offers. That I don't like the job I have currently and that I'm working half time. That I soon will start working with freelace as a teacher on the side for 5 weeks to get something more to do than my other job that I'm on sick leave off.

 

Ofc then I told him about the seperation, which you all now about. I didn't have the chance to go into depth on how the break up happened since the time was up. Only 45 min session. But we talked a little bit of my childhood and also that I'm afraid of being alone, having panic attacks and anxiety issues.

 

All in all we didn't have that much time and I'm not sure what to think of this yet, since we didn't really get to a conclussion about anything. He did ask me what I would like to focus on and what my goals are after the session is over. And I thought about ti and concluded myself that the reason why I suffer from panic attack and anxiety in the first place is becasue of the empty and lonley feeling and my fear of being alone with myself. As soon as i sit alone or am alone I start to panic and don't know what to do. I feel that if I wouldn't have those issues I wouldn't suffer as much from this break up as I am, as I'm afraid of being left alone with my own thoughts. That's why I sit on skype the whole evening and talk to people or go abroad and are barely home. Just to avoid the time with myself.

 

See, the issue of me being scared of lonliness and be alone with myself has to do with that I almost died as a kid, twice. I was wrongly disgnosed with cancer tumours and that i wouldn't survive the surgery as the the tumour was so big. It was never a tumour tho, it was a gigantic cyst in my belly, apartenly cells from another human. My mom ws suppose to have twins, but we never knew that. The cells ended up inside me instead. They removed this 3 kg bubble in my belly when I was twelve, I started suffer from panic attacks during teh nights as I thought I would die when going to sleep. after years I got a but more stable, espcially when I started having boyfriends to cling onto. When 17, same thing happened again, this time in my throat, but around a tennis ball in size. Both times has been severe since the cysts has put pressure on my other organs (also I only have oneovary since one got crushed by the cyst). The surgery has both been through emergency. Second time I almost choked to death.

 

So yes, I have been through some rough times, I have survived and it has damaged me a bit and left me with scars both physically but also mentally. I now need to work on the fear of being alone. My goal is to be able to feel comfortable with being alone, feeling content and not have to constantly keep myself occupied with work or friends. As this is casuing be to burn out again as well. I have too much comitment and to much work to do now.

 

The seperation hurts, I miss him and not just becasue of the fear of being alone. My other exes I felt like I only was with becasue of the lonliness and fear, but this person I really throughly loved and cared deeply about to a point that I was willing to give up a lot for him, even part of my own career in benefits for him.

 

I think your goal should be learning to love being alone so you can pick a partner healthily. I can relate to myself in your story. At least that is my goal for now and of course move on from my ex...

[Highndry]

Hi, Darkchan. You have endured a lot, and those were huge issues you overcame when you were young.

 

When I was 14 I had a bad case of strep throat. I went to the doctor and was given medication, but the symptoms kept getting worse and worse. The medication ran out and I didn't complain much to my mom about the fact I was not getting better. I was a child who kept everything inside.

 

I started having panic attacks at night because I couldn't breath due to my throat closing up. I thought I would die and it was terrifying to me. During the day, I could no longer eat solid food so I started losing weight. Finally, when I tried to drink liquids, they would spill forth back out of my mouth because there was such little room to swallow. I was rushed to the hospital after showing my mom my throat. I had to have emergency surgery to not only remove my tonsils but a massive abscess which led to over a 90% obstruction in my throat. The recovery was painful, too, as I know you experienced with your throat surgery.

 

Those panic attacks I used to have at night when I tried to go to sleep and had a hard time breathing became a part of who I am. I was so fearful of never waking up that it became a nightly routine, one that lingered on for years even after I was fully healed. In times of stress, even though it's been decades, that darn anxiety can creep up on me when I am alone with my thoughts and want to go to sleep.

 

I share this because while we're all different, you're not alone with a lot of these challenges. It's part of the human condition if you will. Sometimes our brains are a little too powerful. But you can and will get through this, it's just another bump in the road, a challenge to overcome. Good luck with your therapy, I hope it helps.

[Darkchan]

I think your goal should be learning to love being alone so you can pick a partner healthily. I can relate to myself in your story. At least that is my goal for now and of course move on from my ex...

 

Yes, my plan is to try to learn to be alone and be content with it. It's so hard though, I'm not even sure how to get started...

[Darkchan]

Hi, Darkchan. You have endured a lot, and those were huge issues you overcame when you were young.

 

When I was 14 I had a bad case of strep throat. I went to the doctor and was given medication, but the symptoms kept getting worse and worse. The medication ran out and I didn't complain much to my mom about the fact I was not getting better. I was a child who kept everything inside.

 

I started having panic attacks at night because I couldn't breath due to my throat closing up. I thought I would die and it was terrifying to me. During the day, I could no longer eat solid food so I started losing weight. Finally, when I tried to drink liquids, they would spill forth back out of my mouth because there was such little room to swallow. I was rushed to the hospital after showing my mom my throat. I had to have emergency surgery to not only remove my tonsils but a massive abscess which led to over a 90% obstruction in my throat. The recovery was painful, too, as I know you experienced with your throat surgery.

 

Those panic attacks I used to have at night when I tried to go to sleep and had a hard time breathing became a part of who I am. I was so fearful of never waking up that it became a nightly routine, one that lingered on for years even after I was fully healed. In times of stress, even though it's been decades, that darn anxiety can creep up on me when I am alone with my thoughts and want to go to sleep.

 

I share this because while we're all different, you're not alone with a lot of these challenges. It's part of the human condition if you will. Sometimes our brains are a little too powerful. But you can and will get through this, it's just another bump in the road, a challenge to overcome. Good luck with your therapy, I hope it helps.

 

Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate you sharing your story. I feel I can very much relate to the anxiety creeping up on me when under stress or traumatic events such as this break up. I was also suffering of the fear of never waking up in the morning, sleeping for me felt like I would die and it was part of my nightly routine as well. The panic and anxiety, chest pain and the respiratory distress. I had it for years.

 

And again, due to the break up, I don't go to bed in time as I'm all alone with my thought and the fear of the anxiety and panic attacks. The appetite loss is still with me as well when I get under stress, I just don't feel like eating nor can keep it in and I think it goes back to the time when I had my surgeries and like you couldn't really get anything down in my throat.

 

But thank you for sharing! I never heard of anyone else having the same experiences/suffering as me

[Darkchan]

I'm so glad LS is up and running again.... I major event happened in my life regarding my ex and I had the most unpleasant experience so far after this breakup. Betrayal. I couldn't breath nor even cry when I found out. I was just in chock until I finally screamed and just lost control.

 

I wrote it down like a letter, all my feelings about it, while LS was down as I couldn't write it here.

 

I saw on facebook, *your post that put me in a chock*. It said you are leaving on a solo travel to follow your dreams of freelancing, combining work and pleasure traveling the world. You have resigned from your stable work you told me you love so much, the work you wanted to continue on for at least 2 years more before you would consider anything else. The security of having a apartment. All the things you told me you really wanted in life after we had talked about travelling together, freelancing and living a dream. The dream I was talking about for us, together, as a couple. I was the one who pitched this to you our first year together. You had a change of heart when we moved back to our home country a year ago, you wanted stability instead. I was willing to wait for you. Such a fool I have been. I have been waiting, been there for you. For what? For you to leave me and go on a solo travel with work and pleasure, and live after my plans and life? How can you do this? How can you have a change of heart again and suddenly decide to go through with my plans, but alone? How can you claim it is your dream that you always wanted to do, when I was the one who suggested this for us? I can’t wrap my head around this. It is just too much for me to handle, all the lies.

 

I feel betrayed, I feel like a fool and a idiot. I remember the rose I gave you, the conversation I overheard about you taking your computer with you in your backpack bag, which we bought matching ones together for our trip. I thought you were perhaps doing a company trip or move apartment in our city. I didn’t expect this. This is so out of character for you. I have been living in lies, how long have you kept me in the dark and lied? How can you even do this to another person?

 

I’m not sure I will ever find anyone again that I will trust. Let alone someone who are willing to live life with me in in the way I want to. It hurts so much, I found someone I really thought I would share my life with. Someone with the same ambitions and plans as myself. Someone who enjoy the same in life as me, and who was willing to live in a backpack to make it happen. To explore and experience the world together, working from a small laptop in the same field. Someone who enjoyed sex as much as I do, someone who enjoy exercising and taking care of himself, someone who was willing to both eat and cook vegetarian even tho himself wasn’t. Someone who liked to do spontaneous things in life like bungee jumping, going on an unplanned trip, visit a sex show together, even trying weird kinky stuff.

 

I had it all, the perfect guy for me that fulfilled all my criterias. How could I not fall madly in love and be so heartbroken and still wish for him to come back. I don’t think I will ever find someone like that again, or at least find someone who was like him, the person he once claimed to be.

[Darkchan]

It's been 8 week ago since he broke up with me, I honestly couldn't even imagine at that point how I would be able to cope with everyday life. Looking back at how I felt and how much anxiety I had I dare to say that some parts have improved. I do still feel anxiety and panic time to time but not as much, at least i would think so. I keep myself very busy with work during the day and evening. Every Thursday or Friday I have been travelling abroad or at one occasion 3 hours away in the same country. The weekend that just past was the first one home in the new apartment since I started living here 1 and a half month ago. I couldn't cope with being alone so I had friends over the whole Saturday and yesterday I spoke on Skype with more than 5 different people, just to go out and meet a friend in the evening. And also working in-between on lecture material etc.

 

So I am coping better and better at least when I am not alone with my own thoughts. If I'm just so sitting around by myself not engaging with anyone in real life or on phone the panics and anxiety starts haunting me after just 10 minutes. I'm starting to feel like I'm so dependent on other people now, but I really need that support to not mentally break down. I am thinking about my ex, but I'm not really that hung up anymore on what he is doing, he thoughts hit me time to time but it's not constantly present. I wonder if it's me healing or me just neglecting my own feelings and push them away? I hope it doesn't hit me hard later because I keep pushing

 

Today was the first time I fell asleep in the sofa when I arrived home from work. I was sleeping for an hour, I'm still feeling groggy and tired but I gotta start working on my other stuff that needs to be done.

[toomanyquestions123]

It's been 8 week ago since he broke up with me, I honestly couldn't even imagine at that point how I would be able to cope with everyday life. Looking back at how I felt and how much anxiety I had I dare to say that some parts have improved. I do still feel anxiety and panic time to time but not as much, at least i would think so. I keep myself very busy with work during the day and evening. Every Thursday or Friday I have been travelling abroad or at one occasion 3 hours away in the same country. The weekend that just past was the first one home in the new apartment since I started living here 1 and a half month ago. I couldn't cope with being alone so I had friends over the whole Saturday and yesterday I spoke on Skype with more than 5 different people, just to go out and meet a friend in the evening. And also working in-between on lecture material etc.

 

So I am coping better and better at least when I am not alone with my own thoughts. If I'm just so sitting around by myself not engaging with anyone in real life or on phone the panics and anxiety starts haunting me after just 10 minutes. I'm starting to feel like I'm so dependent on other people now, but I really need that support to not mentally break down. I am thinking about my ex, but I'm not really that hung up anymore on what he is doing, he thoughts hit me time to time but it's not constantly present. I wonder if it's me healing or me just neglecting my own feelings and push them away? I hope it doesn't hit me hard later because I keep pushing

 

Today was the first time I fell asleep in the sofa when I arrived home from work. I was sleeping for an hour, I'm still feeling groggy and tired but I gotta start working on my other stuff that needs to be done.

 

Try not to be alone at the time being but try after that to learn how to be alone and to embrace your alone time ! i tell you it is the best feeling to love your own companionship.

[Jdoublenn]

Darkchan: Small moves at a time are AMAZING. Don't fool yourself, it will all take a lot of time, so even the small 'i might feel a tiny bit less anxious today' is a great thing and you should feel great about it!

[Darkchan]

Darkchan: Small moves at a time are AMAZING. Don't fool yourself, it will all take a lot of time, so even the small 'i might feel a tiny bit less anxious today' is a great thing and you should feel great about it!

 

Yes you are right, small steps are still an improvement. It's hard to see it like that, but if I compare myself to two months ago I can see that I'm heading in the right direction. I will keep trying to push forward

[Darkchan]

I'm away on a buisness trip for the weekend in another city. I have been back to my old collage where I started study 6 years ago. They had an amulni weeknd with people who been succesfull and you have a lecture or similar. I decided to have a portflio review session for 3 hours were I looked at the students portfolios and gave them tips etc. It was very exhausting but also super fun. Some of them had apartnely been following my career path and told me they had me as an inspiration. I was really suprised. Like why me? I'm just a regular human working, it got to be somehow that I have been an inspiration for other people.

 

I also met a student whom I met during my collegue years. He was not even old enough to have started high scool yet back when I met this kid, but he told me the reason why he is studying game design is because he met me. So a ittle context, I had been bored for a while so I started a japanese culture meet up for people and even kids showed up showing interest. I have always been interested in asian culture so it was fun meeting like minded. Anyway he walked up to me and said that I probably don't remember him (well no you where a small little kid back then!) and he told me about the meet up and that he decided that he wanted to do the same as me. So he thanked me for being who I am and that I should continue being awsome and an inspiration.

 

Maybe it's stupid of me, but I felt really emotinal about it, and grateful. I mean, a completely strangers took his time to tell me this. It really makes me happy, especially since my ex didn't really appeciate me at all nor even once praise me for my accomplishments.

 

I am feeling a little down today, since I had nightmares about my ex once again where he in my dreams would blame me for all sorts of things. I'm trying to surpress it and think about the students I met instead.

[Darkchan]

It's soon Christmas, the day of joy and wonder. This year will be the first of many previous celebrations where I will not be in a relationship. I went out Christmas shopping, stressed out like the rest of the population. There were so many times during the evening this realization would hit me, that I'm alone this year. When i write that I'm alone, I don't mean literally alone, I have my mother, father and sister. It's not a big family but I have people around me. So why do I feel so sad and empty and that it's not enough? It is hard to have your heart shattered in pieces, just right before holiday season, something a lot of us here at loveshack will experience during the next few days.

 

I'm sitting here, feeling the urge to reach out bubble up again, a feeling I have to wrestle with time to time. I write time to time, it's not every hour nor even everyday anymore. It hits me when I'm alone, it will continue hitting me like this the more I try to live normal again and not over-swamp myself in work. I realize that I can't continue working two jobs and freelance on the side, it's a bit much for anyone. If this continue on, I will suffer a burn out again and that's no worth it. What can one do when feeling so heartbroken than just focusing and grabbing onto something that at least still feels important in life is also might end up wrecking you more. I'm still trying to hang in there, things will start to slow down a bit by end of February.

[1fish2fish]

Please be kind to yourself and block him on facebook once and for all. You're doing great overall, but reading about him traveling solo has set you back emotionally a bit.

 

You've come so far. Try not to undo your healing. Focus on your family and your friends this Christmas without glamorizing the holiday. I'm in a similar situation except I don't have family or friends to celebrate with - but I do have my dog, and we're going hiking Christmas day.

[HumanMachine]

The mind works in mysterious ways.. what you believe to be the remedy to your dark days is in fact the root cause.. humans are weird

 

Stay strong OP, don’t break NC.. you will be starting from day 1 again, i know it feels like you haven’t progressed but you have, every day nc you are slowly healing mentally.

[Beachead]

It's soon Christmas, the day of joy and wonder. This year will be the first of many previous celebrations where I will not be in a relationship. I went out Christmas shopping, stressed out like the rest of the population. There were so many times during the evening this realization would hit me, that I'm alone this year. When i write that I'm alone, I don't mean literally alone, I have my mother, father and sister. It's not a big family but I have people around me. So why do I feel so sad and empty and that it's not enough? It is hard to have your heart shattered in pieces, just right before holiday season, something a lot of us here at loveshack will experience during the next few days.

 

I'm sitting here, feeling the urge to reach out bubble up again, a feeling I have to wrestle with time to time. I write time to time, it's not every hour nor even everyday anymore. It hits me when I'm alone, it will continue hitting me like this the more I try to live normal again and not over-swamp myself in work. I realize that I can't continue working two jobs and freelance on the side, it's a bit much for anyone. If this continue on, I will suffer a burn out again and that's no worth it. What can one do when feeling so heartbroken than just focusing and grabbing onto something that at least still feels important in life is also might end up wrecking you more. I'm still trying to hang in there, things will start to slow down a bit by end of February.

 

Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Maybe distracting yourself with excess work was good for you initially but now you're arriving at a point in your healing where you need to ease up and hear yourself think. Remember that you have to go through the pain to heal through it so overworking yourself for distraction can rob you of healing.

 

There is a general economic disincentive for investing in any other aspect of ourselves other than work/monetary gain and it's something I highly disagree with because we are human beings..not robots. Investment is required on many levels. For me, I involve myself in music, soccer, martial arts.

 

I would suggest swapping one of your jobs for a leisurely activity..maybe 2 leisurely activities. Not something you think you should be doing. But something you actually want to do. Maybe you've wanted to challenge yourself in some way..so choose something that challenges you. Maybe something that brings you a sense of personal joy (Lets say painting, guitar, or dance lessons). It can be an independant activity..or a social one. Whatever you feel like doing. Sometimes, it can simply be doing nothing at home, lying on the couch with your pj's on watching netflix because that quiet alone time actually gives our brains some time to sort through thoughts and feelings in our life. All of these things are just as important in returning to our strong and healthy selves.

 

Keep at it

Edited December 21, 2017 by Beachead

[Darkchan]

Please be kind to yourself and block him on facebook once and for all. You're doing great overall, but reading about him traveling solo has set you back emotionally a bit.

 

You've come so far. Try not to undo your healing. Focus on your family and your friends this Christmas without glamorizing the holiday. I'm in a similar situation except I don't have family or friends to celebrate with - but I do have my dog, and we're going hiking Christmas day.

 

Thank you! He is long gone from my facebook but keep popping up through other people linking and sharing of his work. The other day he also popped up on my linkedin, forgot to remove him from there so it's also fixed. I can't remove him on certain art pages where we both hang out as you don't befriend each other, the most popular work is on the front page and unfortunately for me his works is always in that sections. So I have avoided browsing there for awhile now, which is sad as it affects my opportunities to receive freelance work if I do not post my things there. It's great to have the same career when you are together, but a curse when the career path you choose is so heavily dependant on internet communities once you break off.

 

The mind works in mysterious ways.. what you believe to be the remedy to your dark days is in fact the root cause.. humans are weird

 

Stay strong OP, don’t break NC.. you will be starting from day 1 again, i know it feels like you haven’t progressed but you have, every day nc you are slowly healing mentally.

 

Thank you HumanMachine! I'm trying my best to stay strong! Christmas and new years day is a bit harder than the rest as I can't work work work right now. Sitting here in a small hut with my family is letting my mind wander too much. Also February will suck almost more, since I know he will be going abroad at that time. Hopefully after a bit of sobbing and acceptance, that I won't see him ever again (also impossible since he won't be i the same city), my mind can start reaching a state of ease. Well I atleast hope so, thinking about that period to come now makes my whole stomach twist in pain.

 

Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Maybe distracting yourself with excess work was good for you initially but now you're arriving at a point in your healing where you need to ease up and hear yourself think. Remember that you have to go through the pain to heal through it so overworking yourself for distraction can rob you of healing.

 

There is a general economic disincentive for investing in any other aspect of ourselves other than work/monetary gain and it's something I highly disagree with because we are human beings..not robots. Investment is required on many levels. For me, I involve myself in music, soccer, martial arts.

 

I would suggest swapping one of your jobs for a leisurely activity..maybe 2 leisurely activities. Not something you think you should be doing. But something you actually want to do. Maybe you've wanted to challenge yourself in some way..so choose something that challenges you. Maybe something that brings you a sense of personal joy (Lets say painting, guitar, or dance lessons). It can be an independant activity..or a social one. Whatever you feel like doing. Sometimes, it can simply be doing nothing at home, lying on the couch with your pj's on watching netflix because that quiet alone time actually gives our brains some time to sort through thoughts and feelings in our life. All of these things are just as important in returning to our strong and healthy selves.

 

Keep at it

 

I will take this advice to heart. After my current freelance job as a teacher is over I won't take another one, simply let it be and just work with my full time employment and try a activity to keep myself occupied. I really don't want to make this into a bad habit and use it as a escape, it will just make me escape to it until I eventually will crash and burn again. It the reason why I sought help from a therapist, to help myself to cope with being by myself and perhaps just let one day be netflix and home alone without going on an anxious spree.

[Darkchan]

So been a while since I posted now. It's holiday season and I have been super busy meeting friends and travelling again. I hosted new years at my place and had tons of friends over, last one left in the morning the other day so didn't have time to sleep before catching the flight to the country I'm currently visiting.

 

I had a blast at my new years party and payed little attention to my ex, I though I would drunk text him but I didn't think of it at all. An akward situation arose between me and a friend tho, he confessed his feeling to me. I was very suprised and I just told him I couldn't. He is a very dear friend of mine that I recently started talking to again, half a year ago. We lost a little contact when I was abroad, but so did I with all my friends. He told me he already expected me to turn him down but he had to say it apparently. He would act like normal he said and now he is texting me every single day... I feel very unconfortable with the whole situation, I'm not over my ex also this guy is 5 year younger than me, I feel like he just became an adult. So Yeah I can't and do no want to date him. Already told him so.

 

Atm I'm on a one week trip visiting the country I used to live in with my ex before moving back home. I felt I needed to go here and make sure that I wouldn't associate the city or friends living here with him. So far I have at most felt nostalgic and not that sad. Today I will visit my old workplace which we happen to work at togheter, so that will probably hurt like hell. I'm trying to make sure that I associate all thing we did togheter with something else, like replacing those memories with new ones and New years was just a start!

[Darkchan]

So it's been soon 3 months since the BU. It's been a hell of a roller coaster ride, that's for sure. I thought it was a good time for an update.

 

So my life in general has been very busy, double work to occupies my time and spend a lot of time (and money! :S) on travelling weekend trips to avoid the loneliness. So far it's been working, everything I do is a step forward to think less and less of him. If I compare how it's now, it's much better. I do think of him everyday but sometimes it can just be for a minute and sometimes it's more frequently. I do occasionally see his stupid posts on the art community site, can't do much about it since it doesn't really work like any social media platforms. He is also teaching so I can see his students works as well. So that is a little hard but I can fairly fats distract myself with something else.

 

My biggest struggle was the other day when my students discussed the his area of field and asked me about his work (he is pretty well-known now). I took my professional mask and just relayed information like a dead machine, trying to feel as little as possible. On the inside I was screaming, hell it wasn't easy at all, almost like torture having to praise his work and just tell them about how he did certain things and why. I'm glad that I'm only teaching for this week and then it's over! Don't get me wrong, it was fun being a freelance teacher for a short period of time but I'm glad it's over.

 

So 5 more days, then an additional like correcting assignments for 2 weeks but the i's just done and done. I have some other plans like start climbing and doing another side project to keep myself busy after.

 

I also started exercise this week! It is a little painful as I think of him but not as much when I do gym classes so i will continue doing that for a while.