Men and breakups.

[mortensorchid]

I've been broken up with more times that I care to think about, and according to everyone on this forum and IRL most guys I know complain that women are the ones who do the breaking up with them (and I'm a woman). So go figure. But I digress ...

 

In my experience, men are happy once the relationship comes to an end because they feel they have been freed and they don't have to commit to "that bitch" anymore. Women are sad. It's happened more than once that a man who broke up with me literally said to me "I'm going to get another girlfriend. I know that since I attracted someone as good as you I can do EVEN BETTER next time." Truth. They rebounded, married some horrible woman who took them to the cleaners, and cry about how they let someone as good as me get away. Me, like all women, once it's ended, feel very sad once it ended, then over time get happier.

 

So it's the opposite. I think it's a gender thing rather than a dumper / dumpee situation.

[carhill]

Here’s my question, is that how men deal with breakups?

Men are individuals. It varies by man and, generally, by socio-economic group and generation/age.

Does that mean he’s hurt too?

If he's emotionally attached in a relationship or marriage, that loss hurts.

Cause I thought once we end it he’d be relieved and happy even, but what does not ready to talk about it mean?

Are you relieved and happy when a family member dies, like one long suffering from an illness? Yeah, it's nice their suffering is over but it's still a loss, an empty space, an emotional attachment and love gone.

 

I'll give you my perspective, closing in on six decades on this rock: Accepting men are all different, I've noted in my generation of men that we don't discuss pain. Pain discussed is weakness. Vulnerability. Opportunity for gaining advantage. Men are, unfortunately, those charged with many painful and deadly aspects of life, including killing and dying in defense of life. We're expendable. Our stoicism is our suit of armor. Take the hit and say nothing.

 

Even my best friend knew nothing of my divorce until he saw my ex-wife living in a new house I'd bought and asked. He was shocked. So, we'd get together for beers or go fishing and talk about other things, not relationships. That's what men do. I had to learn that, painfully, brutally, at a young age, generally being more of a sharer and communicator. Cost me a lot of friendships before I figured out to shut up and deal with it like a man.

 

BTW, I've not dated a women since getting divorced seven years ago. They don't move me anymore. That's atypical so consider my offering in that vein. Good luck in your relationships .

[nospam99]

Maybe it means nothing at all but I’m interested in knowing how men deal with breakups in general?

 

In general? Is there such a thing? I'm me and I can speak for myself. Generalize to other men and you risk drawing a false conclusion. But I do have male hormones and a male brain, so I am at least a sample from the right population. That said ...

 

The other thing that matters is age and the difference in our hormones and attitudes formed by life experience as we age. IMHO every post on LS should be tagged with age (other stuff too) because I certainly react differently to things, primary opposite-sex relationship in particular, VERY differently now (60s) than I did years ago.

 

To answer the question I can only relate to my own experience ....

 

I was married for more than 25 years and in that relationship in some form or another for more than 30. The last several years we were no longer "a couple". The divorce was a long time coming. By the time it ended we were both relieved. The "legal referee" congratulated us and our attornies on completing a difficult process. As I just said, in that case my emotional reaction was relief and being glad it was over.

 

When I was in my late 20s (still with raging hormones which tend to intensify emotional reactions), I dated a woman who might very well have been "the one" (for me, obviously not for her). After several months she broke it off. She married within a year. Through the mists of time, all I remember is great sadness and feelings of being worthless as a human being. I have never forgotten her, still "carry a torch", and believe that my dying thoughts will be of her unless someone else comes along in the years I have left to take her place in my memories. (Damnit - so unmacho - tearing up to write this.) I have never felt comfortable discussing this with anyone else. If she knocked on my door tomorrow and was somehow interested in having that discussion, I would be comfortable with her. There is at least one female friend who knew us both who I would be comfortable discussing it with. Another guy? fagettaboutit Some of you may chime in with "you have to put her behind you or you will never fully commit to anyone else". I call BS on that. If that was true a widower who never forgot his dead wife would not be able to fully commit to another relationship either.

 

I had other breakups in the past (my 20s). But only from dating relationships, no living together or ever saying "I love you". It's hard to remember my feelings that long ago. To the best of my recollection, when I was the one breaking it off it was because I saw the relationship going nowhere, simply stopped asking her out, and had no emotional reaction. When the woman broke it off, I remember feeling sad and disappointed but quickly moving on.

 

Bottom line answer to the OP question: there is a threshold of emotional investment. Above that threshold (only twice in my life with only one ending without emotional closure), even as "stoic" man, I took it hard and never got over it.

[Addius]

I was with someone for almost 6 years and he broke up with me but a few months later we decided to remain friends. We've been fairly close ever since, which is about 10 years now. We were having a conversation recently about a woman that he decided to stop dating and he brought up that it took him a really long time to get over me. I was shocked. I figured since he broke up with me and started dating someone right after, that he was good and mostly unaffected.

 

Even though I was the dumpee, I was over him in a few weeks. Which is weird is when I think about how long it took me to get over my last ex. I think how you broke up will affect how long it takes you to get over the person. It took my last ex almost a year before he fully took blame for what he did to me (cheating, lies, etc.) and was genuinely sorry about it.

 

Both of my experiences and reading the break-up section on this forum made me realize that it takes a lot of guys more time to heal than it does to a woman. It seems like we feel everything right away and they're more of a slow burn. I'm not saying all men, but there seems to be a decent amount who are like this.

 

It's funny (or not) but once you've went through a horrible break up, you instantly feel connected to others who go through the same pain and confusion. And yes, every break up and person is different, but the pain is universal.

 

Sorry it took me a few days to reply, not sure what happened maybe just my hormones. But what you said how the breakup ends is what does make it easier or harder to move on from! I’m not sure why I never made that realization before! I think when things end amicably and mutually you get closure but when it’s so sudden and so intense (not like screaming at each other) it does make you feel like you were left out in the cold with a million question that you can’t answer. You can only get that closure over time when all the feelings die down. You just realize how that person wasn’t the puzzle piece that’s missing.

[Addius]

I want to thank all the gentlemen on here that shared these personal and private things, I feel like I know a lot more about men now. My dad died a while ago but he was a very silent guy, I remember I was traveling for school and he cried for the very first time in front of me, I was so shocked. Also my brother wasn’t very present in my life at all so I feel like I didn’t grow up around expressive males and that effected me. I always felt like men were so mysterious.

[Addius]

Sorry to hear you had a rough day. I know you may not feel this way right now, I never did in a similar situation, but this may be the time you are not tied down and actually have the ability to change your life, pursue new goals, or just a chance to explore something different. You may be just in that awkward limbo before this new direction takes hold.

 

Thank you! And you’re so correct! I do feel like I’m stuck in a weird limbo that I can’t break out from, and it’s not just this breakup but other things in my life that have made me feel really bad about myself and maybe that’s why I left that guy push me around for this long.

 

This is what happens when your life doesn’t turn out like you thought it would, you don’t fit in this perfect picture all society wants you to fit in.

[CptInsano]

Thank you! And you’re so correct! I do feel like I’m stuck in a weird limbo that I can’t break out from, and it’s not just this breakup but other things in my life that have made me feel really bad about myself and maybe that’s why I left that guy push me around for this long.

 

It's been a few days, how are you doing? (And what "other things" are you referring to?)

 

This is what happens when your life doesn’t turn out like you thought it would, you don’t fit in this perfect picture all society wants you to fit in.

 

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. - John Lennon