Men and breakups.

[CptInsano]

I was reading just about that today actually! That men make their gfs their HOME (due to a homone called vasopressin) and they never get that emotional or talk about feelings with anyone else, on the other hand women can discuss their feelings with anyone willing to listen, even the cab driver!

 

I'm not sure that vasopressin, or it's mutations, can explain it all, but I know men who truly made their partner their home. I'm positive my brother would not be alive today if it wasn't for his gf.

 

A friend of mine got divorced a few years ago. The first few months he drove around aimlessly in his car because he didn't know what to do with his emotions and what to do with his time.

 

Oh and that last part of your post, it’s so true! Even sharing the small silly stories that no one would appreciate like your bf/gf would, you’d be dying to tell them oh guess what happened today!? But you can’t. [/Quote]

 

All those little anecdotes and inside jokes just get left behind in the past. In your mind you start a sentence with "Do you remember...", but there is nobody to complete it for.

 

Also like you I would rather I get dumped than dump, cause if I dump I could never be a 100% sure that was the right decision or not, but if they dump me then they don’t love me, and that’s the right decision then.

 

Yes, very much so. Not only whether it was right or wrong, but also whether there was yet another way. My gfs were from very different backgrounds, and each of them also represents a different life, as I might have had to move, made a decision to have kids early in life or not. Sometimes these "alternate realities" flicker through my imagination late at night.

[umirano]

Men approach breakups as a failure I think and that hurts their pride, regardless of who broke up, they feel somewhat inadequate.

 

[...]

 

This is the truest truth with men I think.

 

 

I think you are generalizing your personal experience a bit here. We're not all the same, and I personally never felt inadequate after a break up. Yeah I made mistakes, as does everyone, but I didn't extrapolate that on my personality as a whole.

[Addius]

I think you are generalizing your personal experience a bit here. We're not all the same, and I personally never felt inadequate after a break up. Yeah I made mistakes, as does everyone, but I didn't extrapolate that on my personality as a whole.

 

That’s good to know.

[smackie9]

IMO your ex bf got his ego got hurt not his heart.

 

I had an ex that was never dumped by anyone before and I wanted to breakup, but he begged for me not to do it, so I gave him a chance. I was stupid to see it. He waited 2 weeks later, not being around much and then dumped me just so he would be th one doing it. What an a-hole. Well I got my chance when he came sniffing around 3 weeks later thinking I was so heart broken and desperate like the other girls he dated. He even said, oh looks like I lost weight (like I haven't been able to eat...not!) I was the same and happy! Anyways I just laughed in his face and said no f'ing way would I ever go out with him again. He was absolutely stunned by my response and walked away sulking.

[OatsAndHall]

In general, most guys just don't talk about why a relationship ended. We've been hard-wired by society to keep certain emotions bottled up and avoiding the topic is a defense mechanism. A woman can go to their friends and open up about the demise of a relationship and it will help. Generally speaking, a guy will be told to "cowboy up" or "she's just a b-tch, dude" and that isn't productive.

 

I tend to be pretty open with my close friends and family when it comes to break-ups. But, that is because venting is a good coping mechanism for me and I've learned to use it.

[coolheadal]

Guys will share with other guys what happen in the relationship. But you know for me if there is any hurt depends how deep the relations was or wasn't. Not a simple answer to your question. But most men will be hurt if they really loved you. Some can't commit to a woman they love just yet. What you can do as a man is take the love out of your mind and be free from all pain and thought. I do this. It's the only way I can live today. If I find another women to really love I can release my love to her.

[Addius]

IMO your ex bf got his ego got hurt not his heart.

 

I had an ex that was never dumped by anyone before and I wanted to breakup, but he begged for me not to do it, so I gave him a chance. I was stupid to see it. He waited 2 weeks later, not being around much and then dumped me just so he would be th one doing it. What an a-hole. Well I got my chance when he came sniffing around 3 weeks later thinking I was so heart broken and desperate like the other girls he dated. He even said, oh looks like I lost weight (like I haven't been able to eat...not!) I was the same and happy! Anyways I just laughed in his face and said no f'ing way would I ever go out with him again. He was absolutely stunned by my response and walked away sulking.

 

Oh how petty! He sounds like a class A a**hole. He should know better that really the break up was STILL your idea not his! It’s so weird, I feel like once s couple even speaks about wanting to breakup, all that trust and safety goes out the window. I wouldn’t be able to trust him.

[Addius]

In general, most guys just don't talk about why a relationship ended. We've been hard-wired by society to keep certain emotions bottled up and avoiding the topic is a defense mechanism. A woman can go to their friends and open up about the demise of a relationship and it will help. Generally speaking, a guy will be told to "cowboy up" or "she's just a b-tch, dude" and that isn't productive.

 

I tend to be pretty open with my close friends and family when it comes to break-ups. But, that is because venting is a good coping mechanism for me and I've learned to use it.

 

You’re doing the right thing! I think a lot of that bottling up is why men die before women, it’s like heartbreak after heartbreak all simmering and it comes out in illness and stress. My hardest break up was my first (which is always the hardest) but at the same time I lost my best friend (her mother was diagnosed with cancer and my friend completely shut everyone out) but I had no one to talk to about it, until months later my mom finally addressed it and I still remember our talk on the couch and how it felt like weight coming off my shoulders. 15 years later and it’s still so vivid in my head.

[Addius]

Guys will share with other guys what happen in the relationship. But you know for me if there is any hurt depends how deep the relations was or wasn't. Not a simple answer to your question. But most men will be hurt if they really loved you. Some can't commit to a woman they love just yet. What you can do as a man is take the love out of your mind and be free from all pain and thought. I do this. It's the only way I can live today. If I find another women to really love I can release my love to her.

 

That’s the thing, I know he loved (loves?) me. Even when he’d pull the crap he would, I knew the feelings were there, but I don’t think he knows what to do with it in a way. Talking about people online it’s easy to paint them as cold and emotionless, but I wouldn’t have been with him for 7 months if I didn’t feel like he loved me, even if not that deeply, he just sucked at it and I don’t know if it stems from his childhood but he didn’t have the best one. He used to say that he’s illiterate in front of me cause he can’t explain how he feels.

[joseb]

I think you are generalizing your personal experience a bit here. We're not all the same, and I personally never felt inadequate after a break up. Yeah I made mistakes, as does everyone, but I didn't extrapolate that on my personality as a whole.

 

I agree with this.

I had a lot of painful feelings after a breakup, but feeling inadequate was definitely not one of them.

Mostly it's sadness and empathy for the other person.

 

And yeah, as to ops question, i generally don't go gushing too much about the inns and outs of what happened to friends. I might discuss briefly with a mate over beer.

[Addius]

I agree with this.

I had a lot of painful feelings after a breakup, but feeling inadequate was definitely not one of them.

Mostly it's sadness and empathy for the other person.

 

And yeah, as to ops question, i generally don't go gushing too much about the inns and outs of what happened to friends. I might discuss briefly with a mate over beer.

 

So I guess even though there are differences in how men feel after a breakup, many of them deal with those feelings the same way. Except for some who do talk about it all. The media makes it seem like men walk away untouched and it’s just women who suffer.

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm a girl, and it's my opinion that men simply don't gab, digest, chew, dissect, psychoanalyze, or discuss the way women do. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We just do things different.

 

Au contraire. Lol

 

I am a rare exception of a man who is very open with my thoughts and feelings. I will chew, dissect, psychoanalyze, and even over-analyze. Part of this is fueled by my own accountability and acute sense of fairness. When I have a disagreement with someone, I will continue to think about it afterwards almost to the extent that you might consider it "dwelling on it". What I'm really doing, however, is reassessing the situation to consider if I was genuinely right about it or if I may have got it wrong, what I could have said or done differently, what my significant other could have said or done differently, or if there were extenuating circumstances that made it something bigger than it should've been.

 

I definitely don't talk about my relationships or breakups with my guy friends anywhere near as much as I do with my female friends, however. I feel more comfortable talking about those things with my female friends because it's me being in touch with my more sensitive side that I just don't show to my guy friends because of social conventions and because I'm typically trying to get a female's perspective on another female.

 

The bottom line is that we all deal with breakups differently and some of us are simply more open than others, male or female.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Romantic_Antics

[Wantluv]

Well i just broke up and i knw it hurts. And youll probanly never find out the real reason.. Take the time to heal yourself. And remember you deserve better, and you will Recieve better

[Addius]

Au contraire. Lol

 

I am a rare exception of a man who is very open with my thoughts and feelings. I will chew, dissect, psychoanalyze, and even over-analyze. Part of this is fueled by my own accountability and acute sense of fairness. When I have a disagreement with someone, I will continue to think about it afterwards almost to the extent that you might consider it "dwelling on it". What I'm really doing, however, is reassessing the situation to consider if I was genuinely right about it or if I may have got it wrong, what I could have said or done differently, what my significant other could have said or done differently, or if there were extenuating circumstances that made it something bigger than it should've been.

 

I definitely don't talk about my relationships or breakups with my guy friends anywhere near as much as I do with my female friends, however. I feel more comfortable talking about those things with my female friends because it's me being in touch with my more sensitive side that I just don't show to my guy friends because of social conventions and because I'm typically trying to get a female's perspective on another female.

 

The bottom line is that we all deal with breakups differently and some of us are simply more open than others, male or female.

 

That’s a relief to hear actually! That men can be this way, I have met very few guys like that. I want to feel I’m with a man but most importantly a human.. I want to know that what we had meant something to you too, and that I left something in you that you’ll forever remember about me.

 

I’m still trying to really understand that part about men not talking about their feelings with their friends, like do they think their friends will judge them, even the close ones?

 

I think if men talked more, and women listened more, we’d never need forums where we just try to guess how the other feels.

[Addius]

Well i just broke up and i knw it hurts. And youll probanly never find out the real reason.. Take the time to heal yourself. And remember you deserve better, and you will Recieve better

 

I’m so sorry, we are in this together! Big hugs!

[Popsicle]

They wait until they get a new girl and then let all their feelings out about you to her.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm a guy and I will analyze a relationship that I felt committed to. My commitment means that I have full committed, so it means more. If I never really felt invested, then I will not. That simple.

[hercules22]

us men take it differently dont really like to talk about it to our friends instead it all bottles up cause we tend to keep to ourselves while getting over the breakup .

[Addius]

Really appreciating the men who shared their experiences, I’m realizing that I don’t really know as much as I thought I knew about men, unfortunately. With breakups you walk away from your partner and they never really tell you how they struggled or how they managed to heal and move on. This whole process is blocked out from us, their ex’s.

[CptInsano]

Really appreciating the men who shared their experiences, I’m realizing that I don’t really know as much as I thought I knew about men, unfortunately. With breakups you walk away from your partner and they never really tell you how they struggled or how they managed to heal and move on. This whole process is blocked out from us, their ex’s.

 

I think this is a very general dynamic though, and not very gender-specific. We don't hear from the women much after a break-up either, with some noteable exceptions. What is said is meant to make things easier for one of the two sides, is defensive, or purposely vague. This makes the "forensics" of a relationship often very obscure.

[Kellens]

I was with someone for almost 6 years and he broke up with me but a few months later we decided to remain friends. We've been fairly close ever since, which is about 10 years now. We were having a conversation recently about a woman that he decided to stop dating and he brought up that it took him a really long time to get over me. I was shocked. I figured since he broke up with me and started dating someone right after, that he was good and mostly unaffected.

 

Even though I was the dumpee, I was over him in a few weeks. Which is weird is when I think about how long it took me to get over my last ex. I think how you broke up will affect how long it takes you to get over the person. It took my last ex almost a year before he fully took blame for what he did to me (cheating, lies, etc.) and was genuinely sorry about it.

 

Both of my experiences and reading the break-up section on this forum made me realize that it takes a lot of guys more time to heal than it does to a woman. It seems like we feel everything right away and they're more of a slow burn. I'm not saying all men, but there seems to be a decent amount who are like this.

 

It's funny (or not) but once you've went through a horrible break up, you instantly feel connected to others who go through the same pain and confusion. And yes, every break up and person is different, but the pain is universal.

[Addius]

Really rough day here today. I wasn’t even expecting it cause it started out good and I was happy, but I felt that heavy feeling as the day went on, like that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear really bad news.

 

I was feeling achy so I decided to take a bath and that’s when I just sobbed. I don’t even know why, I just felt this wave of helplessness and worthlessness. I know it’s not just boiling over from my breakup but also other things in my life.

 

I hope tomorrow I’ll feel okay again.

[Addius]

I was with someone for almost 6 years and he broke up with me but a few months later we decided to remain friends. We've been fairly close ever since, which is about 10 years now. We were having a conversation recently about a woman that he decided to stop dating and he brought up that it took him a really long time to get over me. I was shocked. I figured since he broke up with me and started dating someone right after, that he was good and mostly unaffected.

 

Even though I was the dumpee, I was over him in a few weeks. Which is weird is when I think about how long it took me to get over my last ex. I think how you broke up will affect how long it takes you to get over the person. It took my last ex almost a year before he fully took blame for what he did to me (cheating, lies, etc.) and was genuinely sorry about it.

 

Both of my experiences and reading the break-up section on this forum made me realize that it takes a lot of guys more time to heal than it does to a woman. It seems like we feel everything right away and they're more of a slow burn. I'm not saying all men, but there seems to be a decent amount who are like this.

 

It's funny (or not) but once you've went through a horrible break up, you instantly feel connected to others who go through the same pain and confusion. And yes, every break up and person is different, but the pain is universal.

 

I’ve a few things I want to say to you cause you made me almost reach this break through but I’ll reply tomorrow when my head is more clear, but thank you for the wonderful reply, Kellens.

[umirano]

RE Kellens' post:

 

Yeah, I think wrongly we often think the dumper is in a position of strength and power. As your story shows the two don't necessarily correlate. Yes, in the moment of the BU the dumper is active and therefore necessarily in control to an extent. Especially forced break ups turn that concept on its head though.

 

I remember two break ups in particular. The first one hurt because I knew how much it hurt my ex (she didn't see it coming or expect it) but I also knew I had to do it, as my inner resistance to this RS grew with each passing day. There was nothing objectively wrong with her (i.e. no more than with anybody else), but I just didn't want to be with her any longer. I liked her and I really felt bad for doing it to her. I also knew she'd hurt more (and me too) in the long run if I didn't end it. It's just a ****ty situation, where I felt forced to do it, but I didn't like it. I certainly didn't feel powerful and great about the whole thing.

 

The second break up (in a different RS) I initiated was when I finally woke up to the fact that my GF wasn't mentally healthy, and couldn't heal while we were together and that all the other circumstances just made this relationship impossible. Also, in a way I was forced to break up a relationship that I considered otherwise a worth while endeavour. At first she kicked and screamed, and begged and pleaded and I took her back. Luckily for us she realized over the next couple of days that I was right, and broke up with me specifically explaining that she needed to be alone and focus on getting better. I in a way was a dumpee a few days after being the dumper, but this break up actually felt 'ok'. I hated not being with her anymore, being single and all that... but the more time passes the better I like this break up.

 

Now the most recent BU (was dumped), I don't feel I have fully understood. The reasons she gave make no sense to me. I don't even believe she believes them herself. Maybe participating in this thread caused me to have a conversation with a (male) friend about my last BU (which took place a year ago). Talking, or writing for that matter, can help getting a better understanding, but I wouldn't say I can put my finger on the specifics yet. Sometimes I tell people on this board that this information, why or how a break up happened, cannot be extracted from the events, and even less so from the ex-partner. There are a few reasons for this. For instance people may not know why they want to break up (like I did in my first story). They may be going out of their way to avoid hurting the partner. They may know why they broke up, but don't like the reason (could make them look bad or shallow) and thus make up some bogus reason. Again others just don't want to talk at all, ghost and go silent.

 

Reasons can in theory put a break up into perspective, change the initial assessment of who's the dumper and who's the dumpee and they may even help processing a break up internally. However I believe we have to be very skeptical of the reasons given by the partner, and also of the ones that we come up with for ourselves. It takes time to understand what exactly happened.

Edited October 20, 2017 by umirano

[CptInsano]

I was feeling achy so I decided to take a bath and that’s when I just sobbed. I don’t even know why, I just felt this wave of helplessness and worthlessness. I know it’s not just boiling over from my breakup but also other things in my life.

 

I hope tomorrow I’ll feel okay again.

 

Sorry to hear you had a rough day. I know you may not feel this way right now, I never did in a similar situation, but this may be the time you are not tied down and actually have the ability to change your life, pursue new goals, or just a chance to explore something different. You may be just in that awkward limbo before this new direction takes hold.