infidelity or poly?

[joyful]

Do you even have the slightest idea of what you are getting into here? I don't know him but there are so many red flags from his attitude to the situation all the way to him possibly trying to use you for other reasons. This is an absolute trainwreck to happen and that you even think about doing this is mind boggling to me.

 

As someone else said. 3.5 billion men on this planet. And you are about to commit what is effectively the equivalent of Seppuku. Because he was nice?

 

Seppuku is exactly what this would feel like, isn't it?

[aliveagain]

If you were my daughter I would be very disappointed that you ever got yourself involved in such a situation as this and with a married man. The fact that he is from a country that views women's rights differently then my own would have me very afraid for my daughter. It would have me even more afraid for any grandchildren. I know of someone that lost a son because the husband took their child home on a holiday and decided to stay, she soon found out how many rights she had in that country as a westerner. I will restate an earlier comment I made, there are 3.5 billion men in the world........... Why don't you tell your mother what your thinking of doing and take her advice(assuming she gives you the chance to talk). Your an adult, act like one, get rid of the crap you just brought into everyone's life that loves you.

[Rose.1977]

Just move on..

[joyful]

so, first, thanks to everyone who responded to my initial post and tried to steer me in a sane direction.

 

i am just posting now with an update. the past month or so has been one of the most painful times in my life, it feels like. the MM continues to cling and claim lifelong devotion to me while he has a family in a different country. this past month he scheduled two back-to-back trips to Egypt to be with his wife and children, the first of which was during my birthday. he never said anything to me, just informed me of his plans when i asked him about joining me for holiday travel

 

while he was gone for the first trip, he insisted on remaining in touch, emailing and texting me how much he loved and missed and wanted me. but then he would go conspicuously quiet at night and not respond to any of my texts or emails until the wee hours of the morning, his local time -- after family and sexy time right?

 

i couldn't get out of bed for two straight days. i woke up dizzy and nauseated. it felt like someone stabbed my heart and my brain to pulp.

 

i just realized that i am a plaything for this man in my western country, but really his whole identity and sense of family and life purpose are with his wife back home. ugh. i feel like the biggest fool ever created. i don't know how to pull my heart out of this.

[Steve51]

My wife and I were in a poly triad with a longtime female friend of both of us. She was single when we started out and then got married after 7 years. She kept her room in our home and split her time between us and her husband.

 

I can shed some light on this. He can only legally marry one person. That means you get no spousal benefits and will always be the secondary relationship. It may not seem like much now but sometimes you will not be able to have access to him or make decisions in medical emergencies. You will not be able to be on his group medical insurance policy, if any, or have any legal claim to his pension should he get hit by a bus after you have been playing house with him for a few years.

 

You are what is called a unicorn and they are usually discarded after the initial excitement wears off. Even our unicorn felt it. I got transferred to another State and she could not come with us for several reasons. She went from being fully supported and living in our home to nothing. She had to find a job and a place to live. She had to furnish her new home and was alone since she was just our friend to our families. That is when she realized that she needed a primary relationship/legal husband of her own and got one. She found him online and would not tell us what their arrangement was but he came off as effeminate so we guessed he was bi like his wife. Nice guy but weird and allergic to almost everything, including the sun. His first wife left him due to his gambling habit and in the end, that is why we are not still with our girlfriend.

 

Have fun with him but do not become his away from home wife. In the end you will probably be pushed out of the picture and if you are OK in building a life who will never be your legal husband, then go for it. First and foremost make sure that his wife is OK with you and him or else you will have a lot of grief. Even if OK with it now she may get jealous and insist that you leave. It happens all the time. The thought of someone having sex with your husband when you are away is not the same as the reality when you sense he loves her more than he loves you. All of our poly friends divorced and left their lovers. They found themselves in their 30's and all that they built, the kids that they had, whether planned or not, were all displaced and their lives were drastically changed.

 

Look, there are many men you can fall in love with and do yourself a favor and find one that only wants you and not a sex surrogate for his wife. If you check in real life and the internet you will see that long term Unicorns are as rare as hen's teeth. If you just want a sexual relationship then go for it but you will always be the second class citizen in his life. Then there will come a day when you do not want to share him anymore. Try as we might, jealousy is an ancient and powerful emotion which tends to rear its ugly head sooner or later. Even my wife who was OK with sharing me with her best friend is no longer willing to do that. We have been monogamous for the last 7 years and she wants to stay that way. She does not worry anymore about making sure she is the better sex partner and lover. She no longer feels that she is competing for my love or has to hear me talk about her girlfriend and how she makes me happy in various ways.

 

There is a reason why the world sticks with monogamy despite its dismal fail rate. Serial monogamy works out better for most people than poly. Humans do not share lovers well and I have yet to see a real poly family stay together even halve as long as we did. The only reason we lasted 30 years was becaue our girlfriend had her own husband/primary relationship. She had a home, car TV and all that goes with marriage, as her own. She has her husband's pension and medical benefits. She told us flat out that she wanted to marry for financial security and to have things and people all to herself and not have to share everything with us. We felt the same way too. She was not in every moment of our life. We wanted time away from her as much as she wanted time away from us.

 

My advice is to have some fun with him but not be exclusive. He wants poly so you tell him that you too will be poly and date other men and form relationships with them. I bet he will object because with men there is still the double standard. Tell him what I just said and see how he reacts. If he says you have to be sexually faithful to him, then you know that he is one of those guys who is poly only when it comes to him. Also think about kids. Despite best efforts sometimes women get pregnant. It happened to our girlfriend and she ended up having an abortion. I was not the father because she was free to date others.

 

Be with him but also be poly like he is and be free to date others and love them and build a life with them too. I guarantee you that if you do that and meet a man who loves you so much that he does not want to share you, you will end up with him. Poly is much harder than monogamy and very stressful. In the end, those who deal with poly couples will say that usually they will choose only one partner to get rid of the stress. Sure there are poly couples out there and there always have been but they seldom are together for long. It will be so easy to just dump you and kick you to the street if he grows tired of you or his wife says you must go. Maybe just an argument or he dates other women that you do not like. Keep in mind that he is like I was and will date and have sex with others. When it does end you will have no legal rights to anything but what you bought with your money. Having a husband with group medical insurance and a pension that is yours when he dies, is worth a lot. My sister learned that the hard way. All she gets is $900 a month to live on and had to get a guy who had a stroke to move in with her. In return for sex and taking care of him she gets his financial support. If he dies she gets nothing and she is panicking now and asking her daughter if she can move in with her. My wife has me and all that I own is hers.