infidelity or poly?

[oldlion]

Sounds like a great deal for him but not so great for you. If you decide to do this then there are some things you need to do to protect yourself. First, establish, for a fact, that such a marriage is legal in your country. Second, get a good attorney and get a premarital agreement that is in your favor and best interest. One that covers you even if he runs off to his native country. Be sure you have yourself legally covered in any event that may arise. If he is against this then get far, far away from him. Be assured, he is thinking of himself so you must think of protecting yourself. Love is great, until it isn't. I do wish you well.

[Simple Logic]

Not knowing where you live, I would caution you about adultry laws.

[joyful]

Not knowing where you live, I would caution you about adultry laws.

 

i am from -- and we currently reside in -- a western democratic country. MM and family are from Egypt.

[SunnyWeather]

i am from -- and we currently reside in -- a western democratic country. MM and family are from Egypt.

 

 

I recommend you look into their laws, they are quite eye opening. I just did a precursory search and it confirmed what I was hinting at in my original post.

 

If he loves you and wants to marry you, he can get divorced, it's legal in Egypt. Or, you can play second, or third or fourth fiddle yup, if he has the means he can have up to 4 wives provided he can pay 'maintenance' like one would for a cow.

 

or, just be the mistress you already are and continue on with the affair. no judgement here, sincerely, just helping you to see a bit through the fog and uncertainty.

[elaine567]

Something for you to read.

 

https://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/religion/2013/04/what-kind-woman-willing-share-her-husband

 

I guess he will want you to convert to Islam too.

[joyful]

I recommend you look into their laws, they are quite eye opening. I just did a precursory search and it confirmed what I was hinting at in my original post.

 

If he loves you and wants to marry you, he can get divorced, it's legal in Egypt. Or, you can play second, or third or fourth fiddle yup, if he has the means he can have up to 4 wives provided he can pay 'maintenance' like one would for a cow.

 

or, just be the mistress you already are and continue on with the affair. no judgement here, sincerely, just helping you to see a bit through the fog and uncertainty.

 

this is really upsetting. even though the MM is very westernized, he has said that he is very grateful for his marriage in his culture because it allows him to care for his family AND marry me' "the love of his life." now it is starting to feel like culturally sanctioned cake-eating...

 

in some ways an affair, which i know is temporary, seems almost easier. ugh.

[joyful]

Something for you to read.

 

https://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/religion/2013/04/what-kind-woman-willing-share-her-husband

 

I guess he will want you to convert to Islam too.

 

wow. i don't even know what to say after reading this. thank you for posting. the thing is i don't want to share him. the idea of it makes me so upset. the only reason i have even considered it is that his wife lives in a different country and he goes there a handful of times per year. otherwise, if legal, we would be married in my country. and i would have all the rights and protections of a wife in the west. still, that doesn't change the fact that, if he really wanted to be with me, he could just divorce her and marry me. i feel like a naive OW.

[SunnyWeather]

wow. i don't even know what to say after reading this. thank you for posting. the thing is i don't want to share him. the idea of it makes me so upset. the only reason i have even considered it is that his wife lives in a different country and he goes there a handful of times per year. otherwise, if legal, we would be married in my country. and i would have all the rights and protections of a wife in the west. still, that doesn't change the fact that, if he really wanted to be with me, he could just divorce her and marry me. i feel like a naive OW.

 

I'm sorry this is upsetting, but it's good to be informed and start thinking with your head. In an earlier post you said, " he will be away for a few weeks every few months", that is more than a handful and it's not considering if emergencies arise. I'm bringing this to your attention because when (if) you're really in this, those times apart are probably going to be difficult for you. Do you want a part/three quarter time lover/husband?

 

You also say how he see this as such a good thing for his culture, how he can have his family and marry you. That includes his other wife. Sounds good for him, but what about you? He can still have his family sans the other wife.

 

And, what about children of your own? Does he have to leave them too so he can see his other family? How well will that sit with you?

 

I'm sorry, this sounds really difficult and complicated. I don't know how old you are, but if you're still in child-bearing age, I'd seriously consider finding a more suitable partner, one that doesn't have so much baggage.

 

Last and final consideration, does he have residency or citizenship in your country? Is that something he wants?

[joyful]

it is upsetting but also necessary to really think about what i am considering doing. i am in love with this man. for me it just feels like i fell in love with someone who lives alone, is accomplished, works very hards, is very kind and would do anything for me. yes, he has a family back home, but he lives and works here.

 

this year he has gone to Egypt four times for between one and two weeks and has been away for a total of about 6 weeks. when he has been away, it has been very painful but mostly the pain of missing him. of course, i know he is being the perfect husband, doing repairs around the house, meeting with his children's school teachers, sleeping with his wife.

 

i guess some part of me feels like his actual real existence is here with me. i don't believe he sees it that way. i know that for him they are the priority, even if like any MM, he minimizes that to me. i haven't thought so far about what will happen if we have children. i am still deciding whether or not to continue with him at all.

[elaine567]

I doubt if you can be married legally to this man in a Western world country if he is already married in Egypt.

You need to consult a solicitor.

 

I am not sure what Western country you live in but in the UK

I read.

...if you had a Nikkah abroad in a country which practices Sharia Law, your marriage will be legally binding in the UK.

So it would be bigamy if he married you in a British civil ceremony.

 

I also think he probably entered the country as a married man, so he can hardly just ignore that and then legally marry you too, without a divorce...

 

How old are you, how old is he?

Do you have significant assets?

[joyful]

the idea of marrying him in my country felt far-fetched but oddly comforting when my MM first proposed it. i NEVER imagined that our marriage might be invalid. i will definitely consult a solicitor if i do decide to pursue this.

 

he came here as a student, stayed and built a lucrative career, and has a complete existence in my country. about 12 years ago, he went home to marry and has been commuting and sending money home since. i don't believe he intended to never live in Egypt again, but things have gone this way for him and his family. and now his life is here. i don't believe that will change for the foreseeable future even if i don't marry him. we are in our 30s.

 

what is very confusing for me is how this is like any affair and how it is (or might be) different. that there is any difference may be my naive, wishful thinking.

[joyful]

the idea of marrying him in my country felt far-fetched but oddly comforting when my MM first proposed it. i NEVER imagined that our marriage might be invalid. i will definitely consult a solicitor if i do decide to pursue this.

 

he came here as a student, stayed and built a lucrative career, and has a complete existence in my country. about 12 years ago, he went home to marry and has been commuting and sending money home since. i don't believe he intended to never live in Egypt again, but things have gone this way for him and his family. and now his life is here. i don't believe that will change for the foreseeable future even if i don't marry him. we are in our late 30s. i don't have any particularly significant assets, but i am educated, financially secure, and have one child from a prior relationship. i would need a premarital agreement.

 

what is very confusing for me is how this is like any affair and how it is (or might be) different. that there is any difference may be my naive, wishful thinking.

[harrybrown]

what will you do when he adds wife number 3 and 4?

 

very upsetting.

 

How would he like it if you had more than one husband?

 

How would you know when you talked to his wife that she was really his wife and not an actress?

 

hope you talk to your family about this.

 

 

This really sounds like a bad idea.

 

hope you can think about a separation for a while and go NC.

 

if you marry, have kids and how do you know his wife does not have men on the side? stds?

[Steen719]

I recommend you look into their laws, they are quite eye opening. I just did a precursory search and it confirmed what I was hinting at in my original post.

 

If he loves you and wants to marry you, he can get divorced, it's legal in Egypt. Or, you can play second, or third or fourth fiddle yup, if he has the means he can have up to 4 wives provided he can pay 'maintenance' like one would for a cow.

 

or, just be the mistress you already are and continue on with the affair. no judgement here, sincerely, just helping you to see a bit through the fog and uncertainty.

 

Oh dear, does this mean that if while married to his first wife and then you, that he could decide there is another woman he is in love with and he could pursue her? You could be relegated to 2nd or 3rd place, maybe more.

 

With all of the men in this world, you will find another man who can give you his all. Polygamy might be part of his culture, but since it is not yours, why give into this when it is truly not what you want? If you have children with him, will they be considered after his first children? When he goes home and sleeps and has sex with his wife, will that bother you?

 

Just saw harrybrown's post, asking some of the same questions. Ask him if you can also have another man. I bet he says no. harry's idea of talking to your family is good. This is not even really about a regular affair with a married man - this is a complete change of culture and accepting practices that are not what you want to do.

[joyful]

i am so grateful for the thoughtful, caring insight from the LS community. you are all asking the questions i need to consider and encouraging me to think about this more deeply than i ever have.

 

my mother really likes him but doesn't know much about his situation -- we haven't told her. she just sees someone who is head over heels for her daughter and seemingly generous and devoted. i have told my brother about it, and he has told me not to talk to him anymore. that it will be too risky and damaging to me.

 

being in love makes me stupid, it seems. you are all right about the std's. even though the wife is in Egypt, anyone can cheat. and i don't know how children will be treated/ranked according to marriage. he is very westernized, and i never ever considered he would maybe want to marry ANOTHER woman after me. he just acts like he has found the love of his life and that he is grateful that he can still have and care for his family if i agree to marry him. there really seems to be cultural differences around marriage. he describes his marriage as transactional and obligatory, but i know that issues of honor, reputation, respect play a role in his wanting to keep it intact.

 

i am thinking that i should probably go NC to clear my head. i had thought that understanding this in the context of polyamory would ease the cultural barriers, but this doesn't seem to be the case after all.

 

the idea of his sleeping with another woman regularly alongside me for the rest of our lives makes me want to climb under my bed and stay there. truly disgusting, heartbreaking and virtually unbearable.

[Thegameoflife]

Joyful, leave him, and go find someone else. If you live in an English speaking country, you are under English common law (except Quebec, Canada. French common law).

 

I can 100% guarantee that he is not allowed to file for marriage in your country. The only way he could do so, is if he filed the marriage in Egypt. There are bigamy laws in pretty much every western country, if not all. If married in Egypt, he could declare you his wife in whatever country you're in.

 

Read a few pages of this, and decide whether you want a Egyptian marriage.

https://www.hrw.org/reports/2004/egypt1204/1.htm

[elaine567]

the idea of his sleeping with another woman regularly alongside me for the rest of our lives makes me want to climb under my bed and stay there. truly disgusting, heartbreaking and virtually unbearable.

 

Yes, and what happens if she decides to stake her claim and join him in your country...

[joyful]

Yes, and what happens if she decides to stake her claim and join him in your country...

 

of course, this is one big fear of mine. and he has assured me that she can't because she has no visa and our marriage would prevent her getting one. of course, if our marriage were to have no legal standing, they could do whatever they wanted to reunite their family in my country or theirs. and i would be the heartbroken loser.

 

this is all so painful and complicated. i haven't even been able to confide in friends because they don't know that he is married back home.

[joyful]

Joyful, leave him, and go find someone else. If you live in an English speaking country, you are under English common law (except Quebec, Canada. French common law).

 

I can 100% guarantee that he is not allowed to file for marriage in your country. The only way he could do so, is if he filed the marriage in Egypt. There are bigamy laws in pretty much every western country, if not all. If married in Egypt, he could declare you his wife in whatever country you're in.

 

Read a few pages of this, and decide whether you want a Egyptian marriage.

https://www.hrw.org/reports/2004/egypt1204/1.htm

 

reading this helps me to see why she would (might?) tolerate his exploits in my country. she would be completely destitute and shunned if she tried to leave him. this ways she still has a husband technically, financial support, a father for her children, standing in her family and culture.

 

he knows that too. could this be why he doesn't want to divorce her, if he cares about her and their children at all?

 

i would not travel there to marry him, ever.

[grassisorisntgreener]

If you don't want your partner going to another country and having sex with someone else, I wouldn't even begin to consider his proposal.

 

Are you allowed to sleep with other men? I mean...come on..

[Steen719]

Joyful, leave him, and go find someone else. If you live in an English speaking country, you are under English common law (except Quebec, Canada. French common law).

 

I can 100% guarantee that he is not allowed to file for marriage in your country. The only way he could do so, is if he filed the marriage in Egypt. There are bigamy laws in pretty much every western country, if not all. If married in Egypt, he could declare you his wife in whatever country you're in.

 

Read a few pages of this, and decide whether you want a Egyptian marriage.

https://www.hrw.org/reports/2004/egypt1204/1.htm

 

Of course she would allow him to marry you! What choice does she have? She can't leave there and is at his mercy. How awful this is. I read the above article and I honestly had no idea that wives there would have so little protection. I understand that their culture is not mine and I am judging them based on mine, but this is horrifying to me. I cannot imagine how this can be a good choice for you and in fact, it seems like a really horrible choice.

 

If you were my daughter, I would be grieving that you are even considering this. Our friends, our family cannot make our choices for us, but they can honestly reflect on your choices and show you what they see.

 

Please consider this and try to reflect on how your life will not be what you have imagined a life should be. Your husband is already married, has children, has visits with them while you are at home alone, or worse with your children from him and at any moment, he could decide to marry another woman and leave you vulnerable. Right now, things are lovey, lovey. Anyone who has been married KNOWS this feeling changes over time. This doesn't mean there isn't love still, but it is not the lustful, excited love that it is in the beginning.

 

Here, in the US, my niece married a man who was already married. She didn't know, but she eventually did find out. She was not protected legally, so she was left in a very vulnerable state. Your country most likely will not support bigamy.

 

Well, I have said more than my share, so I'll stop, but I will say that of all of the things I have read on this site, this ranks right up at the top as being a poor choice.

[joyful]

 

If you were my daughter, I would be grieving that you are even considering this. Our friends, our family cannot make our choices for us, but they can honestly reflect on your choices and show you what they see.

 

Please consider this and try to reflect on how your life will not be what you have imagined a life should be. Your husband is already married, has children, has visits with them while you are at home alone, or worse with your children from him and at any moment, he could decide to marry another woman and leave you vulnerable. Right now, things are lovey, lovey. Anyone who has been married KNOWS this feeling changes over time. This doesn't mean there isn't love still, but it is not the lustful, excited love that it is in the beginning.

 

Here, in the US, my niece married a man who was already married. She didn't know, but she eventually did find out. She was not protected legally, so she was left in a very vulnerable state. Your country most likely will not support bigamy.

 

Well, I have said more than my share, so I'll stop, but I will say that of all of the things I have read on this site, this ranks right up at the top as being a poor choice.

 

i have been lurking on these boards for a few years now, so sadly that is saying A LOT. thank you, thank you, thank you.

[pheonixrisen]

great question. he proposed to marry me because he claims to want a life with me. his marriage to his wife is in a different country, on a different continent. i did not know this would be illegal according to international laws.

 

You cannot marry a already married man that is illegal .

Even with a wife's consent it's illegal .

 

Your marriage in the court of law would become null and avoid if it were ever brought up he was already married while getting married to you .

 

If you were to separate in future you and your children may not have any legal rights to him,his assets etc..

 

And marriage in any country is recognised world wide by just getting a stamp by the concerned authority on the marriage certificate.and he would be in contempt of the law by marrying you that could land him in prison

 

So unless you are a Muslim living in a Arab country where they are allowed to have up to 4 wives your marriage would not be recognised .

 

You don't sound like a woman who wants to share so where is your head going to be at when it's his wife's turn

 

Going down the wrong road .

[Maraud3r]

Do you even have the slightest idea of what you are getting into here? I don't know him but there are so many red flags from his attitude to the situation all the way to him possibly trying to use you for other reasons. This is an absolute trainwreck to happen and that you even think about doing this is mind boggling to me.

 

Also THIS IS NOT POLYARMORY, it's Polygyny. What he is telling you and your friends doesn't matter, what matters are his actions. How people can be so easily taken in and trusting is beyond me. Let's ignore how he might try to get certain benefits out of this including possibly getting permanent residency and thus being able to bring his family in.

 

You are considering becoming the second wife to this man, who right now is all smiles and friendly as he tries to win you and your family over. A man who appears to be open to polygyny. Which hints towards a rather fundamentalistic and conservative interpretation of his faith. Which would have a lot of implications for you and what you can expect in the future.

 

I had a knife drawn on me and was threatened solely for being to friendly with a girl I knew who came from a similar family. I'm not saying "HE IS THAT" but there are certain indicators which point towards it. The smiles and niceties go away very quickly beyond a certain point, they are superficial and dishonest.

 

 

As someone else said. 3.5 billion men on this planet. And you are about to commit what is effectively the equivalent of Seppuku. Because he was nice?

[spanz1]

he has proposed to marry me in my country and to visit his family a few times per year

 

HOW is he legally going to do that...have two wives? It would have to be legal in both countries to have more than one wife.