Girlfriends friends obsessed with men

[Cobra_X]

Second, my suggestion to say "you look gorgeous! Have fun for us both" really wasn't a comment for her as much as a thinly veiled shot back at her to call her out on what she was doing. She would have gotten the message. She was expecting the OP to get insecure, jealous and whiny like a lot of men would. Instead, he would have given her the exact opposite response of what she was expecting. The message would have been clear: These tests will not work on me. Once she receives enough of these messages, the tests will become very few and far between.

 

I agree with everything you are saying. This woman is giving him a "sh*t test".

 

The correct response to this particular type of test isn't always "Have fun being the center of attention for other men, I'm just going to sit here like a good boy and wait until your done."

 

Women LIKE a man who is a little bit jealous because it shows they care. However they hate whiny and controlling. They also hate pushovers and overly permissive men. Of course this is generally speaking.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with D0nnivain. . I get the whole bird of a feather flock together thing, but we don't do everything our friends do. Also I don't see how this is a test necessarily. Hope he would probably be more suspicious if she were dodgy about what she was doing with her friends. She seems to just like talking about their shenanigans and showing off her sexy outfit to her boyfriend

Edited October 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Poutrew]

For this particular type of sh*t test, the correct response would have been, "Hey, since you girlfriend's inviting all those hot guys to go with you, what about you inviting me? This would be a good time to intro me to your gf's..." You have just turned things around on her and handed her the ball. If she is reluctant, don't belabor the point, just say "You look finger lickin' good hun. Don't forget to make the guy wear a condom, <grin>. " Then demote her to a FWB until you can find a real woman and not a little immature girl to date...then unceremoniously dump her azz...

[Cobra_X]

I agree with D0nnivain. . I get the whole bird of a feather flock together thing, but we don't do everything our friends do. Also I don't see how this is a test necessarily. Hope he would probably be more suspicious if she were dodgy about what she was doing with her friends. She seems to just like talking about their shenanigans and showing off her sexy outfit to her boyfriend

 

We call these "sh*t tests." Men do this just like women. Children do this to their parents. It is a natural part of human behavior. She may not be consciously aware that she is testing her BF, but the fact remains that this is a test.

 

For this particular type of sh*t test, the correct response would have been, "Hey, since you girlfriend's inviting all those hot guys to go with you, what about you inviting me? This would be a good time to intro me to your gf's..." You have just turned things around on her and handed her the ball. If she is reluctant, don't belabor the point, just say "You look finger lickin' good hun. Don't forget to make the guy wear a condom, <grin>. " Then demote her to a FWB until you can find a real woman and not a little immature girl to date...then unceremoniously dump her azz...

 

The first part is solid advice. The second part is not so much. You don't want her to feel like you have trust issues or accuse her of being a cheater.

 

My personal choice would be a response that expects her to be at my place for sex when she is done at the bar. That's just my opinion though.

[Steve51]

I settled down into a 4 year relationship with a girl I got engaged to. She cheated on me so I broke that up. Then my next girlfriend cheated on me after 10 months. Then I met my wife and we got engaged 3 weeks later and are celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary today.

 

There are many girls out there that want their cake and eat it too. They want a boyfriend for boyfriend things, but love sex with different men. Men are like this too. If you want a long and happy marriage, do not settle. So many make the mistake of thinking that getting married magically changes a man, or woman. it does not. Just make sure whomever you choose, that he makes you happy in all the areas of your life where happiness is very important.

 

I married a 19 year old virgin who never had a steady boyfriend. She has been loyal and true and I count myself lucky for waiting for the right girl to marry.

[SunnyWeather]

The thing that strikes me most is the lack of character and maturity in her actions. If you are looking for a different type of woman, it might be best to do a fade out; if inclined, tell her why.

 

Otherwise, if you are invested and would like to pursue more *at your risk*, then setting a strong boundary about not tolerating and being turned off by this baiting behavior, and going more alpha might do the trick. Mind you, I'm not suggesting you be whining and controlling about what she can and cannot do, just that how she went about revealing her plans for the night were, at minimum, off-putting.

 

If it were me, I'd be totally turned off and move on, but I'm older and a lady.

[phineas]

Hey, a long time ago, didn't you used to have a user photo with a cartoonish man with a chain on it's leg that was broken? I always liked that photo.

 

haha my officially divorced avatar.

[kendahke]

It's rather illuminating how everyone is convinced this woman has loose morals and because her girl invited men to join them, that clearly means she's taking one home with her.

 

Obviously, she's not as invested in this "less than a month" involvement as OP is. So that means OP hasn't really made that big of an impression on her if she's choosing, less than 4 weeks in, to spend a Saturday night out with her girls instead of him.

 

At this point--less than a month of even knowing she existed--she should be going out with friends. She doesn't owe OP anything at this point. He should, too. He should not be off the market or sitting home on Saturday nights. That's shooting yourself in the foot for no good reason.

[OneLov]

Obviously, she's not as invested in this "less than a month" involvement as OP is.

 

Exactly. She is just a girl who went on a few dates with the OP. Despite the fact that it may seem like a relationship to the OP, it is not relationship until it is affirmatively established as one. Welcome to the world of dating.

 

Also, I am not in the camp of she is playing a game or "testing" the OP. I think that would be making it too much about the OP. She is a young woman who enjoys going out with her friends. She does not owe OP anything except honesty. From what OP states, she was honest about her plans.

 

As others have pointed out, there is nothing that would have stopped him from meeting up with her. Also, considering they have only been on a handful of dates in less than a month, I think it is rather immature to expect her to change who she is just because her social life is an aspect of her personality that does not click with the OP.

 

I am not saying OP needs to change who he is either. If you do not like someone who does not cling to you after a few dates/weeks, find somebody who will. Dating is a means to establish if personalities will mesh. You can communicate that you are no longer interested pursuing a relationship with her without being a jerk--be honest.

[Poutrew]

It's rather illuminating how everyone is convinced this woman has loose morals and because her girl invited men to join them, that clearly means she's taking one home with her.

 

 

Sigh... Her friends are young, and man crazy. They regularly hook up with men at bars for one night stands. She likes going out with them. She has a fun time being in the same place as her friends while they are picking up their sexual partner du jure. But, she doesn't do any of those dirty things. I guess, even though her posse is busy having sex with strangers she is sitting with her back to the action reading the bible. She has nothing in common with her besties... that's why she wants to be around them while they are fornicating, and why her besties want to keep her, the bible lady, around while they are having fun...

 

If it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, has a beak like a duck and has yellow feathers, I suppose it may be a platypus in a duck suit, but it is far easier to just call it a duck and be done with it.

[Mjm1014]

The part I don't get is why the OP wouldn't just go to the bar / club with his GF?

 

I was a party girl in my 20s & so were my friends. I don't mean I slept with every guy I flirted with in a bar or every guy I danced with but were out there all the time Wednesday through Sunday. When we got new BFs we'd just blend them into the group. To us it was easier having guys around because somebody else's guy was often helpful in getting rid of unwanted guys who weren't taking the hints.

 

Plus I would have no respect for some guy who dropped his buddies just to date me. You need balance -- some romance & some friends.

 

This idea that once you start dating you have to ignore your friends or pick different places to socialize makes zero sense to me. I really don't get why people think it's one or the other.

 

Because I was on a work trip..I work for the airlines and am gone a decent amount .It seems like every time I'm away she goes out with her new "friends" that just want to get high (she claims she doesn't do drugs and I believe her honestly) , and they are constantly banging a new guy every night...literally every time I talk to her she's telling me how her two friends (they go out as a group of 3) hook up with new men every night. It's at the point I really like this girl but it's clear the only reason they go out is to meet men and to hook up. When I'm home we go out as a couple though. I get I'm being insecure, but at 30, I feel like I could be wasting my time with someone that isn't taking me as serious as she claims....

[doyathinkso]

"it's clear the only reason they go out is to meet men and to hook up. When I'm home we go out as a couple though. "

 

Poor girl. She must get so bored having to go out with you to keep up appearances.

 

" I get I'm being insecure, but at 30, I feel like I could be wasting my time with someone that isn't taking me as serious as she claims...."

 

WOW!!! You're actually starting to understand what's going on.

[umirano]

[...]It seems like every time I'm away she goes out with her new "friends" that just want to get high (she claims she doesn't do drugs and I believe her honestly) , and they are constantly banging a new guy every night...literally every time I talk to her she's telling me how her two friends (they go out as a group of 3) hook up with new men every night. It's at the point I really like this girl but it's clear the only reason they go out is to meet men and to hook up. When I'm home we go out as a couple though. I get I'm being insecure, but at 30, I feel like I could be wasting my time with someone that isn't taking me as serious as she claims....

 

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, and if it spends lots of time with other ducks.... it might very well be a duck

 

The rampant and unreflected gender solidarity in threads like this one aren't helping either...

[d0nnivain]

What is she supposed to do while you are gone? Sit home & knit?

 

 

I get that from your perspective these friends look more like bad influences then good pals but seriously if you are not around, what other social choices does she have?

[kendahke]

Sigh... Her friends are young, and man crazy. They regularly hook up with men at bars for one night stands. She likes going out with them. She has a fun time being in the same place as her friends while they are picking up their sexual partner du jure. But, she doesn't do any of those dirty things. I guess, even though her posse is busy having sex with strangers she is sitting with her back to the action reading the bible. She has nothing in common with her besties... that's why she wants to be around them while they are fornicating, and why her besties want to keep her, the bible lady, around while they are having fun...

 

If it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, has a beak like a duck and has yellow feathers, I suppose it may be a platypus in a duck suit, but it is far easier to just call it a duck and be done with it.

 

Back in the day, I had friends who liked to go out to bars and hook up with men. That wasn't my scene. Yes I went with them. Yes I chatted with a few guys. NO, I didn't take any home with them because I HAVE SELF DISCIPLINE. I do nothing I do not want to do. Period. Fin. Guess what? A lot of young women are the exact same way.

 

If you can't understand self discipline, then you're lost.

 

There is NOTHING in OP's post where he says that his girlfriend is easily led and will do whatever her girlfriends do. All I'm reading is an insecure guy whose panties are in a wad over a chick he hasn't known a month. She's not even his girlfriend and he has no claim on her in any way, shape or form.

 

And so what if they're younger than her? Are we in freaking kindergarten here? Or worse--junior high school?

[kendahke]

 

The rampant and unreflected gender solidarity in threads like this one aren't helping either...

 

throwing tantrums because you can't make someone you've known less than 28 days do what you want them to do is pretty sad.

[umirano]

throwing tantrums because you can't make someone you've known less than 28 days do what you want them to do is pretty sad.

 

I don't see where a tantrum is happening. OP has calmly stated what he knows and how it makes him feel.

 

Why do these threads always have to evolve into crusades for either 'female empowerment' (or some variation of that) or pathologizing the OP, calling him paranoid, sad, angry or similar? Why???

 

Also, it's not boys vs girls. Well, it is, but it shouldn't. There are more modest/conservative/reserved/inexperienced people on both sides, as well as there are shady/social butterflies/inexperienced/player-type people on both sides.

[knabe]

I don't think hanging out with sex-crazed partiers is a great idea, but I see no evidence that she is cheating or hooking up with others. And I use the term cheating somewhat symbolically since this relationship has not even yet been defined as an official relationship.

 

This has nothing to do with men and women, IMO. IF we can all agree that we would feel the same were the genders reversed. Honestly, I am not sure that is the case, but I don't know. I know most men are pretty protective of their boys;' nights, their porn, and their strippers.

 

My fiance and I have a few friends who, when we get together to watch football, etc., get pretty drunk. We don't. We have a couple of drinks and that is it. I have a friend who is my age and still goes clubbing and sleeps with whoever. I don't do that (never have).

 

This seems to me to be s simple compatibility issue. The OP wants to be more settled, and he would prefer a woman who is less into the party scene. This woman he is seeing seems to be more into the going out and drinking thing. They just don't match. He's not an ogre and she's not a hussy. Not everything is a "she's bad/he's good" scenario (or the reverse).

 

The only thing I see as a potential problem is this: if OP travels extensively, it is somewhat unrealistic for him to expect a woman he dates to stay home knitting while he is gone.

[lurker74]

Back in the day, I had friends who liked to go out to bars and hook up with men. That wasn't my scene. Yes I went with them. Yes I chatted with a few guys. NO, I didn't take any home with them because I HAVE SELF DISCIPLINE. I do nothing I do not want to do. Period. Fin. Guess what? A lot of young women are the exact same way.

 

If you can't understand self discipline, then you're lost.

 

There is NOTHING in OP's post where he says that his girlfriend is easily led and will do whatever her girlfriends do. All I'm reading is an insecure guy whose panties are in a wad over a chick he hasn't known a month. She's not even his girlfriend and he has no claim on her in any way, shape or form.

 

And so what if they're younger than her? Are we in freaking kindergarten here? Or worse--junior high school?

 

Everything you said is correct, kendahke. But it is likely beside the point. Because there is little doubt that the OPs not-quite-GF was playing a game. "Hey...I'm going out with my slutty friends and a bunch of guys and don't I look great?"

 

That is a game. Now, there's nothing wrong with games if that's what people want. It's funny, because 99% of OLD profiles are women saying that they "like to laugh" (who the eff doesn't?!?!) and "not into playing games," but most women and nearly all men are into playing games.

 

So the OP has to decide...does he play it like a master chess player? Does he refuse to play? Does he make a couple of moves and then decide to stop playing?

 

There are a lot of choices here to be made but I find it hard to argue that she was just being a sincere friendly almost GF...she was looking for a response. Honestly, I think she was hoping to make him jealous and when they talk about this night she will be secretly happy that he was, but perhaps we're all wrong.

[kendahke]

Because there is little doubt that the OPs not-quite-GF was playing a game. "Hey...I'm going out with my slutty friends and a bunch of guys and don't I look great?".

 

How about "OP's not-even-girlfriend"--that's more the truth.

 

We only have OP's spin that her friends are like this, and not the truth. He's got an ax to grind against them because they're interfering in his agenda, so of course he'd paint them in the worst possible light while rounding up his message board posse.

 

Why do these threads always have to evolve into crusades for either 'female empowerment' (or some variation of that) or pathologizing the OP, calling him paranoid, sad, angry or similar? Why???

 

Because we're not going to let the glaring fact escape that this chick, who has the final say and agency over herself, isn't his girlfriend and doesn't owe him anything after knowing him less than 28 days, that's why.

 

If the tables were turned, I'd be saying the same thing to the chick--absent a conversation they both agreed to, no one is in a committed/exclusive relationship here-- and I have more than proven myself on that tip. One sided investment in fantasies doesn't = a mutually agreed upon relationship.

 

Clearly, she is not invested in him like he thinks she is if she's going out with them this early in their involvement instead of him on a Saturday night, which is pretty much looked at as "couple's night".

 

All of this just because she posted a few pics on facebook?--as if that hub of all things fake is the final arbiter of anything truthful.

[TheTraveler]

It's rather illuminating how everyone is convinced this woman has loose morals and because her girl invited men to join them, that clearly means she's taking one home with her.

 

Obviously, she's not as invested in this "less than a month" involvement as OP is. So that means OP hasn't really made that big of an impression on her if she's choosing, less than 4 weeks in, to spend a Saturday night out with her girls instead of him.

 

At this point--less than a month of even knowing she existed--she should be going out with friends. She doesn't owe OP anything at this point. He should, too. He should not be off the market or sitting home on Saturday nights. That's shooting yourself in the foot for no good reason.

 

Pretty much.

 

Also, at the beginning of every potential relationship I don't want to hang out with them every day. If she's going out Thursday night with her friends. Go for it. It's no different if I did the same thing a week later.

 

As for the OP, my response would've been "you look cute! Have a drink for me." And let it go. Whether I get a text or anything the rest of the night it wouldn't bother me at all. I'm doing my own thing

[bpb2017]

Generally, the guy your woman wants to bang won't be texted to you or announced. It will be the guy you never hear about or hear very little about. She won't be texting selfies with him to you or anything.

 

I had relations with a girl that had a bf and she frequently talked to her bf about me, had igstories/SC with me and etc. I guess he was following your logic

 

Personally I would dump a guy if all he did was talk about his young 20yo partying friends who hook up every night. I mean, how tedious. Why talk about it? And to then say he is going out to bars with said friends. Of course it is inappropriate and would raise suspicions. These type of "tests" are immature and pathetic. Also, a few weeks of dating may not be long but, I would be well and truly put off if I was in OPs shoes.

 

This is highlighting the double standard with men and women. The responses wouldn't be negatively charged towards the OP if he was a woman.

[Cobra_X]

Because I was on a work trip..I work for the airlines and am gone a decent amount .It seems like every time I'm away she goes out with her new "friends" that just want to get high (she claims she doesn't do drugs and I believe her honestly) , and they are constantly banging a new guy every night...literally every time I talk to her she's telling me how her two friends (they go out as a group of 3) hook up with new men every night. It's at the point I really like this girl but it's clear the only reason they go out is to meet men and to hook up. When I'm home we go out as a couple though. I get I'm being insecure, but at 30, I feel like I could be wasting my time with someone that isn't taking me as serious as she claims....

 

You can sit around at home biting your nails off over what she is doing out with other guys... or you can start working on other women. This girl shows no signs of being serious about you yet. Whatever she says is bullsh*t. Focus on her actions instead.

 

Maybe she will get serious about you... maybe not. I would categorize her as a Sex Only relationship and focus on meeting other women.

 

Clearly, she is not invested in him like he thinks she is if she's going out with them this early in their involvement instead of him on a Saturday night, which is pretty much looked at as "couple's night".

 

Seriously? She sounds like a party girl to me... who hangs out with other party girls. If she won't take a guy serious on day 1, why would he expect that to change by day 40? or 60?

[heavenonearth]

Sigh... Her friends are young, and man crazy. They regularly hook up with men at bars for one night stands. She likes going out with them. She has a fun time being in the same place as her friends while they are picking up their sexual partner du jure. But, she doesn't do any of those dirty things. I guess, even though her posse is busy having sex with strangers she is sitting with her back to the action reading the bible. She has nothing in common with her besties... that's why she wants to be around them while they are fornicating, and why her besties want to keep her, the bible lady, around while they are having fun...

 

If it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, has a beak like a duck and has yellow feathers, I suppose it may be a platypus in a duck suit, but it is far easier to just call it a duck and be done with it.

 

 

This is such a ridiculous and misogynistic reply.

 

I see nothing wrong with OPs girl’s behavior.

 

I myself am 30, my two best girlfriends are 22 and 25.

The 25 year old is quite the party girl and when the two of us go out, we go out! We drink and we dance and we gossip and have a good time. She’s single and when we are out, yes, men approach us and she flirts extensively.

Sometimes she even ends up taking a guy home, all the while I just bike home alone and text my boyfriend that I made it home safe.

And yes, her and me have plenty in common. We met at uni and share the same passions, career, do yoga together and can always go to the other for a shoulder to cry on.

 

Because there are other things a woman can be interested in besides men. But oh my, who would have thought.

Edited October 17, 2017 by heavenonearth

[Mike B.]

I had relations with a girl that had a bf and she frequently talked to her bf about me, had igstories/SC with me and etc. I guess he was following your logic

 

 

 

This is highlighting the double standard with men and women. The responses wouldn't be negatively charged towards the OP if he was a woman.

 

 

It always kills me when one person pipes up with a story to contradict the general rule as if it changes the general rule. That is why I say "In general."

 

In general when a woman is pregnant, a child will be born.."Well, I once knew a pregnant woman that gave birth to a goat when she was pregnant."

 

Good lord...