Am I right to be upset?

[Cookiesandough]

If this is what he's like now, imagine what it will be like when the "honeymoon phase" wears off. O.O

[d0nnivain]

I still see this differently:

 

 

He love bombed her.

 

 

She bought into it.

 

 

Once he "got her", he dialed it back.

 

 

She pestered him for the same level of attention she enjoyed at the outset.

 

 

He got annoyed but he still spent some (but not enough) time with her on her birthday & recently told her that he loved her.

 

These two have to talk to each other face to face. Not via text. She has to stop asking him what's wrong because he doesn't think anything is wrong. He doesn't know she's upset because she hasn't told him. I don't see him backing as far off as you all do; I only see the initial chase being dialed back as unsustainable long term.

 

 

if this relationship has any hope of being fixed, the OP needs to tell this guy how she feels & stop asking him what's wrong. She failed to clearly communicate WHY she was upset. She apologized to him when he blew her off. All he sees is acquiescence and may have no idea that he screwed up; remember from his perspective she apologized so it looks to him like whatever was wrong was her fault. She endeavored to have an important & emotional conversation with him over text when he was tired & then she got her knickers in a twist when he wouldn't talk to her right then through that terrible & inappropriate medium.

 

 

Nothing will get resolved until the OP speaks up for herself. If that conversation leads to a break up because he is the unrepentant jerk you all see him as, fine. She will be better off. But on the off chance that the poor stupid guy doesn't fully realize that just because he's happy doesn't mean she is, doesn't he at least deserve a chance to clean up his act? To tell her to dump him before she tells him her concerns or needs does a disservice to both of them because neither will have a healthy relationship now or in the future.

[stillafool]

This guy is s.h.i.t.

 

Tell us how you really feel Lorenza, don't hold back now!

[LovelyRose]

Tell us how you really feel Lorenza, don't hold back now!

 

LMAO! That's a great one

[Lorenza]

Tell us how you really feel Lorenza, don't hold back now!

 

I'm sorry, but I didn't get your joke. And stick to the topic instead of paying attention to me

[coolheadal]

I asked if he left because he was uncomfortable around my family or if he was overwhelmed and he said everything was fine, he just didn't feel up to going! Sometimes it's hard to talk in person as well because he can be really quiet and I don't feel like he's willing to let me in emotionally, so I don't quite know how to approach anything!

 

My dear, I feel sorry for you. He's not into 100% like would expect a guy would be head over heals in love with you. Your relationship is new. You don't like to drink yet you did it because you want him to be happy accept you as he wanted you to drink with him. (First right there, he knew you don't like to drink i makes you sick. he didn't respect your wishes) So he's selfish.. He wants his own way or no way. Your settling for a guy who's real jerk! Look at he treats you come now my dear you clearly see this. Your a very educated woman, don't tell me you don't understand and your confused. He's not around you so much makes up excuses and rather go clubbing and drinking with his friends where he should be with you. Pulling you to the side saying to you he loves you. Just another way to control you to think is real great guy. This is not how it's suppose to be. I feel had had bet with the mates o corner you to one side.

 

Look at you Birthday what did he do for you? No Birthday Card, did he buy you a gift. OMG my dear don't you see what sort of guy this is. You need to drop him and find a man who:

 

1. Listens to you

2. Respects you

3. Appreciate you

4. Wants to be with you only

5. Makes you feel happy

 

Your not happy, you know it then why in the world are you with this man. He's more interested in hanging out with his drinking clubbing buddies than with you or you family. He's not the family guy type he's more of player. You and him aren't good. When you have to please a man like your doing it shows him weakness and it shows him he's in control of everything. So now you have big issue. You do all the talking, he doesn't make you feel good inside. What the heck do you get from all of this more stress from a toxic relationship.

 

Some women don't get it and don't see what's really going on. What's going on is this jerk is trying to make you think otherwise but my dear he's not the man for you. Your not his type. You met him online, but some guys online are not who they claim to be. This guy isn't for you. Don't just settle and think you can't find anyone to be with. You can just have to do your homework. If you see something not right say it and if the guy don't care to talk about it. Then you just say listen it's not working out I saying goodbye and see myself out the door!

[Ieris]

We met up a few weeks after talking and we've officially been a couple ever since, but I feel like I'm no longer so much a priority to him. It's really hard to keep up a conversation over messages because he seems very blunt and I feel like it's always me asking about him and things he's doing all the time, I don't get much back. I opened up to him a lot before we became a couple and he was incredibly supportive, but now I just get ignored. In fact once he got angry with me when I messaged him about how I was feeling because he was too tired to talk about it. I ended up apologising a lot for that.

 

~ You mentioned that he likes his own space but you always want to talk talk talk so he could be getting fed up with that. Also you say you used to open up to him and tell him how you're feeling... is this negative stuff or...? Because if someone was always complaining or feeling blue about stuff.. I wouldn't want to talk them all the time either.

 

 

In person he's generally fine, we're both a little quiet sometimes but we have a laugh. He doesn't come across as being overly affectionate but I get that he probably just likes his own space. Although a lot of the time our dates get cut short because he gets tired and wants to sleep which I understand, but one time he left me early because he was really tired and wanted an early night but when he got home he ended up going out clubbing the whole night with his friend instead. I didn't say anything then because I didn't want to upset him; we were in a really good place at the time.

 

~ Is he tired or just bored when he's with you?

 

 

And then was my birthday which I had told him a while ago I wanted to spend as much of the day with him as possible. We were going out for lunch and also dinner with my family (he has met my family before) and I was really excited about the whole thing for ages. He turned up and we went out for lunch, and then he told me after that he might not stay for dinner because he wasn't hungry. I said we could go out a little later and he might want something then, but he said he just wasn't feeling it, so we took him home early. I was nice about it because I didn't want to drag him out if he wasn't going to enjoy himself, and he reassured me that everything was okay. But it sorta ruined my day. And I'm not materialistic at all and didn't expect anything, but he didn't even get me a birthday card or say happy birthday.

 

~ Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you two are quite young so could it be a money thing? Birthday lunch and dinner can add up.

 

 

We haven't spoken much since because I took some space to enjoy the rest of my day. Now he's seen I'm upset and he's ignoring me. I'm not sure what to do at this stage. I'm trying so hard to make this work successfully because he's the first person I've really felt something for in such a long time, and when he doesn't have his guard up we connect really well. I just feel like I'm putting in more than he is and he always puts himself first. I don't know how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive, and I don't even know if I have a right to be upset when we're still in the early stages of dating.

 

~ Is he ignoring you or giving you space? Some people want to talk and resolve things immediately yet there are some who like to give each other time to calm down.

 

Like you say, you're still in the early stages of dating so should relax a little about it and not take everything so personally. As he is an introvert who loves his personal space, you need to be pretty patient with these kinds of guys. I've dated a few of these before and they can be hard work so if you can't hack it now, you're better off moving on.

[Bubbles99]

I do give him space, we don't message back and forth constantly and we let each other do our own thing. It's more that when we do talk, I feel like it's me making the conversation, and he doesn't listen to me when I talk about things, it's just all gone a bit dry but I'm trying to stay positive about everything.

 

He is always saying he's sleepy, I've asked if it's boredom and I try to keep him entertained but he says he's not bored, always just tired.

 

The birthday wasn't a money thing as my family were paying for the whole lot, and he recently got paid anyway. I wouldn't expect him to pay or want him to spend his money on me, I just think he could have at least stayed a little longer or made a tad bit more effort in general. I made sure he was happy with the plans in advance because I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but he said he happy to come along.

 

He was ignoring me, so I gave him his space and messaged him later on to make sure he was okay and he said he was fine, no elaboration. That seems to be a theme here, he's always just fine and I think there's more to it but he doesn't share any more than that because there's nothing else to share.

 

We're both pretty relaxed people, so like I said we let each other do our own thing whilst maintaining some sort of communication, it's just that I feel I can't get through to him on an emotional level anymore. Like he seemed a lot more open and interested before we became a couple, and now I just don't know how to play it.

Edited October 13, 2017 by Bubbles99

[Gaeta]

I do give him space, we don't message back and forth constantly and we let each other do our own thing. It's more that when we do talk, I feel like it's me making the conversation, and he doesn't listen to me when I talk about things, it's just all gone a bit dry but I'm trying to stay positive about everything.

 

He was ignoring me, so I gave him his space and messaged him later on to make sure he was okay and he said he was fine, no elaboration. That seems to be a theme here, he's always just fine and I think there's more to it but he doesn't share any more than that because there's nothing else to share.

 

We're both pretty relaxed people, so like I said we let each other do our own thing whilst maintaining some sort of communication, it's just that I feel I can't get through to him on an emotional level anymore. Like he seemed a lot more open and interested before we became a couple, and now I just don't know how to play it.

 

Bubbles: Most relationships don't make it to the 3rd month mark and it's normal. Dating is about finding a compatible partner and develop a meaningful connection with them. Not about pulling teeth to make it work.

 

At first men and women are always on their best behavior, it's human nature, but soon the front falls down and you see the person real intention and real interest. You are now seeing this man for whom he really is.

 

You have dated this man ONLY a couple of months and now you are seeing his true color. It's not important that deep down he's a good guy, he is STILL NOT the type of boyfriend you want.

 

Like most women you want a man that shows interest, affection, consideration, and you're not getting it. It's time to let this one go and search for a better one.

 

At 2 months dating no one should be frustrated and feel ignored. If he was giving you *proper* attention you would not feel hurt that once in a while he needs his space. You are feeling neglected because YOU ARE.

[OatsAndHall]

Is this a personality conflict? An interest conflict? I think it's pretty sh*tty to claim bed time and then go out and party at the club after, but it almost sounds to me like your interests are not coming together very well. This is normal, and it's not a flaw. He likes the bar and party scene, and you really don't. Figure out how to manage both or find someone of similar interest.

 

He shouldn't lie about it. That's the problem.

 

Honestly, this would have been enough for me to break up with someone. If he want to go out with his friends, then he needs to be an adult and say so. Lying about it is unacceptable.

[Mrlatino]

Now the real person is coming out, the first few months is all an act, if you feel he isn't listening then most likely he isn't. Please don't waist to much time trying to change him because over time not only will he not change but you would've waisted your time.Good luck

[kendahke]

I'm sorry, but I didn't get your joke. And stick to the topic instead of paying attention to me

 

They were basically affirming your conviction of opinion, but using sarcasm to convey that.

[kendahke]

 

We're both pretty relaxed people, so like I said we let each other do our own thing whilst maintaining some sort of communication, it's just that I feel I can't get through to him on an emotional level anymore. Like he seemed a lot more open and interested before we became a couple, and now I just don't know how to play it.

 

He's mind effing you.

 

The tack is:

1. create comfort through establishing a pattern

2. create pain through removing that pattern and causing insecurity to spike

3. pop back in as if nothing is wrong

 

 

The way you proceed is to not feed this. Give him more space than he knows what to do with it. When he pops back in, maintain the space. In the meantime, find someone else who doesn't punish you because he chose to mind eff you.

[OatsAndHall]

It seems like you are grasping on to straws with a guy that you just aren't compatible with. It just doesn't seem like the two of you are on the same page, even outside of him lying to you.

 

So, you can continue to try and talk it out and get on the same page or just call it good and move on. I sounds to me like you have far more emotionally invested in this relationship than he does and that just doesn't bode well.

 

But again, I will break up with a woman in a heartbeat if they lie to me. I won't bother with a discussion or an explanation. "I am done with this relationship; you told me you were going to bed but went out with your friends instead. I wish you the best but this is over."

[Bubbles99]

Dont worry everyone, we just spent the weekend together which was really nice, until I asked how he felt and he says he's not interested in me romantically and has kept his feelings bottled up for a while despite me asking if he was okay, so I guess that's solved the problem.

[Gaeta]

Dont worry everyone, we just spent the weekend together which was really nice, until I asked how he felt and he says he's not interested in me romantically and has kept his feelings bottled up for a while despite me asking if he was okay, so I guess that's solved the problem.

 

I am glad it's crystal clear to you now.

 

Did you really need him to spell it out to you though? All of his actions - lack of actions were there to confirm it.

 

I am sorry for your disappointment.

[Bubbles99]

I am glad it's crystal clear to you now.

 

Did you really need him to spell it out to you though? All of his actions - lack of actions were there to confirm it.

 

I am sorry for your disappointment.

 

 

 

Unforunately yes, because this time last week we were sat on his bed and he told me he loved me and he felt super lucky to have me. I guess that was just the alcohol talking.

[kendahke]

Unforunately yes, because this time last week we were sat on his bed and he told me he loved me and he felt super lucky to have me. I guess that was just the alcohol talking.

 

Yep.. that's mind effing without the vaseline.

[basil67]

Unforunately yes, because this time last week we were sat on his bed and he told me he loved me and he felt super lucky to have me. I guess that was just the alcohol talking.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

One ILY shouldn't be looked at as the glue to hold together a relationship which clearly doesn't meet your needs. You should have ditched him weeks ago.

[Kamille]

I'm so sorry - and at the same time glad you got some clarity.

 

I'm willing to bet this guy has an avoidant attachment style. Read up on it if you have time. Hopefully it helps you realize that you just dodged a bullet.

 

 

Sending thoughts your way so that an available guy who treats you like gold comes your way soon!

[Bubbles99]

So to keep this brief (I have posted about this on the dating forum recently), I met a lovely guy back in the summer through Tinder and we basically hit things off from the start. I was apprehensive at first because he asked me on a date straight away and I didn't know at that stage if I was interested romantically, but after talking some more we really fell for each other and he really wanted to be with me so we organised a first date. It went really well, we both expressed how into the other we were and he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend on the second date.

 

It went a bit rocky from there, I feel like he put his walls up with me and I couldn't get through to him emotionally anymore. Conversation went dead if I wasn't asking about his day and how he was doing, he always cut our days out short because he was tired (when I asked if he was bored he promised me it wasn't that, it was tiredness) and it just felt very on and off, but I was willing to put all the effort into making the relationship work because this is the first guy I've fallen for in a long time.

 

Things felt pretty on when we were together because we always said how lucky we felt to have each other, although he didn't come across as being the affectionate kind, and in his messages he was always very blunt and uninterested (completely different to how he was before we became a couple).

After a few weeks he started looking into booking a holiday together for next summer and it picked up a bit, I was really excited and he found somewhere he was set on going which we were going to book up. Then that idea seemed to vanish.

 

One time I tried opening up to him about how I was feeling, I'd had a few personal things happen and also was a little unsure how he felt about me, and he didn't listen. He just said everything would be fine and that we all deal with things differently.

 

He invited me out with all of his friends who were super lovely to me, and he kept telling me how happy he was that they all loved me and he eventually ended up pulling me aside that night and telling me he loved me. Of course I was over the moon, and was like yes he's still into me, my mind has just been overthinking everything, and it was such a happy night.

 

Then after that, the switch came again. He didn't seem interested in talking to me at all, and when my birthday came (which had been planned for a while) we picked him up and my parents took us all out for lunch, he was very quiet and didn't even say happy birthday to me, and when we got home he asked if he could go home early (we had dinner planned out with my family too) because he didn't feel 100%. I was upset but I let him leave, because I wanted him to be happy and that's what he wanted to do. I asked then if everything was okay, he promised me that it was fine. He said he was looking forward to the weekend when we had a night away booked together (this had been planned for a while) so again I believed everything was okay and gave him his space.

 

Then again, he got angry at me over text for checking up on him and he said everything between us was fine and I shouldn't be worrying about him. And we ended up having a really nice night away together, we did get intimate which he initiated, and then when on the train home there was no conversation, just him complaining about being tired.

 

I didn't hear from him for hours after that, and I eventually knocked up the courage to ask him again how he felt about us and he spilt the beans that he wasn't interested in me romantically and never thought I was the right girl for him. Whilst a teeny part of me had always suspected that, it came as a bit of a shock, because he'd always led me to believe everything was fine and all the times I'd asked to make sure he was okay and comfortable he was reassuring that he was and got angry if I suspected any different.

 

He pulled out the "it's not you, it's me" card and then went on to say he had been having second thoughts for a while, he wanted to tell me in person but he never did. Now I just feel like I've been lead on and it's really hard to get over, even though we weren't together for very long he was the first guy I fell hard for in a long time and I don't know what to do now. He made it clear that we'd only ever be friends and asked if I wanted that, I've said I'm not sure I can be friends with him because there are feelings there and knowing me if we still talk then I'll always be hoping for more. He said there never will be more.

 

Any advice on how to accept this and move on? I've taken a lot of heartbreak over the past few years and this is the icing on the cake, because the person I met and fell for this time really felt like he was the right one.

Edited October 15, 2017 by Bubbles99

[Cookiesandough]

I'm so sorry, Bubbles. This guy is an emotionally immature doofus

[Bubbles99]

Also just to add, when he asked me to be his girlfriend on the second date and was apparently super happy, he left me pretty early that night because he was tired, and when he get home he went out clubbing with his best friend and he was out until I woke up the next morning. I'm not here to change him or stop him living his life and all that, but I was a bit upset that I'd only got to spend a couple hours with him and he lied about needing sleep.

[basil67]

I don't think he lied to you. I think that he thought it was worth giving a relationship a try but then found that he wasn't in the right headspace. And you were looking for different things. The ILY was under the influence of alcohol so you couldn't take it seriously...besides the fact that it was too early for love anyway.

 

Changing his mind does not equate to lying.

[Bubbles99]

I don't think he lied to you. I think that he thought it was worth giving a relationship a try but then found that he wasn't in the right headspace. And you were looking for different things. The ILY was under the influence of alcohol so you couldn't take it seriously...besides the fact that it was too early for love anyway.

 

Changing his mind does not equate to lying.

 

 

On reflection, calling him a liar was probably too harsh, I guess I'm just hurt because I know he was closed off and wasn't honest with me during the course of the relationship. He said he was saving the "I love you" for our night away but he couldn't wait to say it, which lead me to believe he had thought about it before.

 

I just wish he'd let me down much earlier on.