I lied and now I've gotten dumped.

[Kamille]

I was recently told that his last message was gaslighting. I don’t think I quite grasp this concept.

 

If I was the one who kept saying I didn't say that in response to his accusations (he said I told him I used to lie to my ex. I KNOW I never said that because I never did that and who the heck would tell their new SO that anyways?) and according to him he's been feeling like I'm making him out to be crazy-wouldn't that be me gaslighting him? Again, maybe I'm not grasping what gaslighting is...

 

Any explanation of gaslighting would be great, thanks

 

Gaslighting is when someone would rather you think you're the issue than them. For instance: telling you that you said you used to lie to his ex. Telling you that you're the only reason he would go to therapy and that wouldn't be fair to him. Finally, telling you that you're the one making him out to be crazy? That keeps the focus on you and what you are supposedly doing wrong, keeps you having to defend yourself and absolves him of responsibility. All gas lighting.

[kendahke]

Any explanation of gaslighting would be great, thanks

 

From Wikipedia:

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

 

Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.

 

Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

 

From Urban Dictionary:

A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity.

 

A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.

 

In your case, your boyfriend begins telling you things that never happened.

 

For instance, he says that last week you told him about lying to your ex, but you know without a doubt that you didn't tell him anything like that. That's gaslighting because he's creating doubt in your memory by manipulating you with a lie.

[Emmafive]

Got another message. This time he’s saying this is hard for him. That one really tugged on my heart. So to resist the urge of responding I decided to post on here.

 

Thanks again for all the advice

[GemmaUK]

Got another message. This time he’s saying this is hard for him. That one really tugged on my heart. So to resist the urge of responding I decided to post on here.

 

Thanks again for all the advice

 

Well that's just tough isn't it, You found it hard being with him and things would have got harder the longer you had stayed.

 

Just be aware too that he may try to come and see you and may also contact friends/relatives.

 

Keep strong and keep not responding. He will continue trying to get your attention likely for several months if not longer.

One guy I dated very briefly still contacted me four years later but this was before I had a phone/provider which I could block a number on.

 

Have you thought about blocking him?

Or better, getting yourself a phone blocking app where you can still go to look at his texts but when you get a text and read it via the blocker it's mentally a lot easier not to reply. The fact you read it within the app is a reminder why you blocked the person.

These apps can also deal with calls by not ringing so you don't pick up, picking up and hanging up or sending a message back of your choice (I don't recommend this last option with this guy - he would se it as encouragement).