I lied and now I've gotten dumped.

[Emmafive]

Ok. It's going to take him some time to trust again. You don't want to be the person who has to deal with it until that happens.

 

He even admitted he didn't think I was flirting with him or that I found him attractive. He flew off the handle before telling me what was wrong because he didn't think I was being mindful. When he showed up the bar I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek which he said was odd and made me look suspicious...

[spiderowl]

This guy has huge insecurity problems and is trying to control you by using emotional manipulation. He thinks he can dump you then get you back if he wants. Meanwhile, he is busy blaming you for everything. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your behaviour, he is putting you under pressure all the time. You must feel that. I think you need to get out of this relationship and not let him back in again. If he contacts you, it is because he is trying to engage you i some kind of interaction with him. He probably misses you. However, nothing is going to change; you will just be on the same rollercoaster ride of him getting angry with you over minor things, dumping you and then trying to get your attention again.

 

Ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship?

[Romantic_Antics]

He said going to therapy would just be a disservice to me because he wouldn't really take it seriously because he was only going to go for me.

 

That's the death knell. If he's so unaware of his insecurity issues that he'd only be going for you and wouldn't take it seriously, then you're dealing with a lost cause. It's time to abandon that ship or you'll sink with it. I know you want to help him, which is very sweet of you, but you can't. You'll be stuck in a toxic relationship that will only get worse.

[viatori patuit]

I will chime in with my guy perspective: nutcase.

 

If I worried about every guy that hit on my so......

 

Unless I am dating a cave troll this is going to happen. My current so flew home from a bilusiness trip with some guy hitting on her the whole time. Gave her his card an everything. She was nice enough to pretend to keep it. I think sometimes girls just don’t puke to hurt someone’s feelings.

 

 

Funny thing is we were engaged and she had her ring on the whole time. Some guys just don’t care about attachment status. They want the thrill of the conquest I guess.

 

Cheaters will cheat. Worrying about that is absolutely crazy behavior. From everything you describe he sounds like a very troubled person. I wouldn’t have any issue with what you describe. Even if the guy got a bit handsy I don’t expect you to make a scene.

[GemmaUK]

I knew he'd be back.

 

But yeah, I agree with RA. His message about therapy is the death knell.

My best advice is to ignore all his messages, if you interact he will only see it as encouragement.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop engaging him, OP.

 

You won't be able to make him see reason. He doesn't want to; he doesn't think like you do. I don't know if you read my contributions to this thread, but be glad this is over.

[coolheadal]

****EXTREME HIGH LEVEL TOXIC RELATIONSHIP*****

OP you clearly NEED to to release him and you go on without him your normal life.

[Emmafive]

Stop engaging him, OP.

 

You won't be able to make him see reason. He doesn't want to; he doesn't think like you do. I don't know if you read my contributions to this thread, but be glad this is over.

 

I haven’t responded in days.

[act00]

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.

 

May I suggest: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Lundy Bancroft.

 

Let me ask you this: When you planned a weekend with your friends (you don't see often anymore), were you relieved you wouldn't have to deal with this man for a few hours and just have fun and be yourself? Were you secretly disappointed he came to the club upon your invitation, an invitation you felt you were obligated to extend since he was also in the area, lest there be ramifications for not including him? When you extend an invitation for anything, and he can't go, do you feel a sense of relief?

 

Lets look at some major issues:

• When you are fully honest with him, including answering his direct questions about very personal things, he takes the answers personally, a personal slight to him, and he makes you pay dearly for those answers.
  
• You lied one time that you can fully own, and you did so to keep the peace, as you wanted to avoid his wrath. I'm guessing you're avoidant but not fully lying, often, as you expect it will be a problem, whatever it is.
  
• You are blamed for the actions of others, as if you are participating.
  
• You have to defend yourself from something that happened six months ago...you don't remember it, or it has since been blown completely out of proportion. You can't fight whatever he's conjured up in his head and brooded about over the past six months.
  
• You are constantly having to clean up emotional messes he creates, and you did nothing wrong. You are completely blindsided by what sets him off sometimes.
  
• You have found yourself isolating from your friends and from doing normal activities because whether you go out alone or include him, there will be blame, accusations, and backlash. It's so much easier to avoid the source of conflict.
  
• He's communicating with your friends/family about "his feelings" and "your behaviors," and working to get them on his side, justifying himself and convincing them that you were up to no good. You find out who your genuine friends are in this situation.
  

Yes, I have been there. I married one.

 

This is what abusers do. They isolate first. He says the right things. He admits to having personal issues related to his past relationships...one questions his role in causing these things, but that's neither here nor there. He has some self-awareness, but he sees himself as the victim and he certainly isn't actively working to make any corrections. Abusers rarely do. He really doesn't see anything happening other than normal relationship insecurities. Keep in mind, none of these acts are necessarily calculated and planned, they are subconscious, and he has to see and understand this and work to change, and it's hard work. They rarely change. You could buy the wrong brand of mac 'n cheese, and it becomes a personal slight to him...you can't win.

 

You walk on eggshells all the time.

 

Please don't continue with this man. Continue to ignore texts. Block if you have to block, but don't get sucked back in.

 

Remember how much fun you were having before he showed up, and suddenly you were doing damage control? Remember the dread you felt when he said, "Yeah, I'd love to come!"

 

Hang onto those feelings for dear life. They'll keep you from taking him back.

Edited October 12, 2017 by act00

[kendahke]

My best friend who is in a relationship started dancing with another guy and he got mad at me.

 

He calls and asked me if I know why he's mad, I say no, to which he says, "you really don't know".

 

He was cheated on by his last two girlfriends.

 

With us he always seems to find issues with me. Ex., we were out with my girlfriends and he got mad at ME because my friend was dancing with another guy.

 

He said his ex would dance with other men in front of his face despite him telling her he didn't like it. I said but I didn't do anything and he said I should've known to begin with and think these things through and I'm not "mindful",

 

He's crazy. You're best served with him out of your life. This is how he's going to be--and you're going to constantly be walking on eggshells.

 

He needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. Stop wasting your time with such an emotional imbecile.

[kendahke]

Well I just got another message.

 

He said going to therapy would just be a disservice to me because he wouldn't really take it seriously because he was only going to go for me. He has felt he has needed to assume blame in order to move forward because I'm so 'unrelenting'. He's 'never had issues disagreeing with someone on the sequence of events or what was said, let alone have the same issue numerous times'. Also, that he can only hear "I never said that" before he questions my honesty. He not paranoid and my favorite part,

 

'Even if I didn't think you were lying your actions look dishonest so I interpreted them as such'.

 

Sigh. I don't even know why his messages still surprise me...

 

Because you're holding onto psychotic hope for his potential. Potential does not exist.

 

This is who he is. A distrustful, insecure little boy whose brain wires are all crossed up. Guess what? It's not your job to rewire him. That is his heavy lift.

 

Him going to a therapist or not has nothing to do with you and him putting the blame on you for him going screams that he's been needing to be in that therapist's office long before now.

 

This will never end.

 

Dump him. Tell him your relationship is over and put him on block.

[Kamille]

Well I just got another message.

 

He said going to therapy would just be a disservice to me because he wouldn't really take it seriously because he was only going to go for me. He has felt he has needed to assume blame in order to move forward because I'm so 'unrelenting'. He's 'never had issues disagreeing with someone on the sequence of events or what was said, let alone have the same issue numerous times'. Also, that he can only hear "I never said that" before he questions my honesty. He not paranoid and my favorite part,

 

'Even if I didn't think you were lying your actions look dishonest so I interpreted them as such'.

 

Sigh. I don't even know why his messages still surprise me...

 

 

I'm mad reading this. What twisted logic. It's really all about blaming you somehow isn't it? It's really about him not taking responsibility for himself. And the scariest is that by twisting every thing to blame you, he's likely hoping he can manipulate you.

 

Stay strong, stay away. Big hugs.

[act00]

Interesting how going to therapy is YOUR FAULT and you are "unrelenting" as he creates a fight over a comment from six months ago.

 

He states he "needs to assume blame"...classic behavior...he is the "victim." He creates a world where he is the victim and doing nothing wrong...it's all you, OP...all the blame is you. <sarcasm> He creates the drama, but it's your fault, and it will always be your fault.

 

Let's be clear, everything that's happening is HIS doing, and HIS behavior.

You know better...you know this is wrong, all of it.

 

Every step you take results in some conflict.

 

Step out before he kills your soul. This behavior inflicts damage on your psyche, and there are no bruises from punches and beatings, but it really destroys your thinking and creates that baggage with worthy men, as you self-sabotage and pitch a fit because your new boyfriend genuinely doesn't like onions, and YOU start creating drama on the "underlying meaning" of not liking onions in the meal you cooked.

 

Don't take on more baggage.

 

Just stop.

 

Save yourself.

 

Don't let this boy ruin your psyche. He's already caused damage. Don't make it worse.

[heavenonearth]

I believe this guy is insecure and borderline crazy. However, if I came up on my GF in a club with some guy getting handsy with her... I would dump her quickly.

 

So... part of this is him being insecure and part of this is you being untrustworthy. Just a bad combination.

 

But she wasn't having some guy's hands all over her. Besides, her hands where on no one either.

 

I had a friend once who got date raped, when she told her boyfriend about it he broke up with her, because he said 'she cheated'. What a dick!

[heavenonearth]

He even admitted he didn't think I was flirting with him or that I found him attractive. He flew off the handle before telling me what was wrong because he didn't think I was being mindful. When he showed up the bar I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek which he said was odd and made me look suspicious...

 

I kiss all my friends on the cheek. Male and female. It's common to do where I live. Three times. Left, right, left. Your BF sounds way too jealous. Go date someone else.

[Romantic_Antics]

I had a friend once who got date raped, when she told her boyfriend about it he broke up with her, because he said 'she cheated'. What a dick!

 

There are some examples of dickery that simply defy belief and this is one of them.

 

Yes, I said dickery. I'm still waiting on Merriam-Webster to approve it as a bona fide word.

 

Seriously though, I'm baffled by such an irrational and completely illogical display of insensitivity. Just...wow. I'd love to say what I really think, but it wouldn't be appropriate for public viewing.

[knabe]

No man worth spending a millisecond with would act this way.

 

So please don't waste another millisecond on him.

[LovelyRose]

I haven’t responded in days.

 

 

 

Excellent! Now let's keep it that way OP.

[anika99]

Well I just got another message.

 

He said going to therapy would just be a disservice to me because he wouldn't really take it seriously because he was only going to go for me. He has felt he has needed to assume blame in order to move forward because I'm so 'unrelenting'. He's 'never had issues disagreeing with someone on the sequence of events or what was said, let alone have the same issue numerous times'. Also, that he can only hear "I never said that" before he questions my honesty. He not paranoid and my favorite part,

 

'Even if I didn't think you were lying your actions look dishonest so I interpreted them as such'.

 

Sigh. I don't even know why his messages still surprise me...

 

OP please listen to the posters here who have been down this road and lose this loser.

 

He says he has never had these issues in his past relationships. Well let me ask you something? Have you ever had these issues with anyone else? Do you have a history of lying and manipulating and forgetting what you do and say. Has there been a bunch of people in your life who have accused of such behaviours? I'm guessing there hasn't been and this is the first time you have heard all this negative crap about yourself.

 

I would also take everything he says about his exes and his past relationships with a grain of salt. I bet their version of events would be very different than his. I'd bet money that this guys issues go back to his childhood and have nothing to do with his past relationships. It's possible one of his exes cheated on him but it's also possible he just dumped her in a jealous rage and then he stuck with his "she cheated" story to justify his irrational crazy behaviour.

 

I sure recognize my ex in your story, right down to the long circular arguments about what you said in the past and how you said it. My ex would accuse me of saying things I knew I would never say to anyone and it was funny because my memory was 10 times better than his. But he would insist and insist that I said and did things I knew I didn't. He also liked to tell me that I was the only woman he ever had these problems with, that all of his relationships before me were a walk in the park and only I caused him this much misery. OMG, we even had the same conversation about how his cheating ex was a better person than me and their relationship was better than ours. When I asked him to explain that he said because when it came to his ex he knew exactly who she was and what he was getting. She wasn't dishonest and sneaky and manipulative like me. Except he couldn't tell me what I had been sneaky and dishonest about...lol...because there wasn't anything.

 

And guess what? Because I ended up with this guy in my life for 10yrs I found out some things about his past relationships and his life before me, both from him and other people that knew him along time. Turns out he was even worse with his exes than he was with me. He had married young and he had physically abused his exwife something terrible. He said he left her because she cheated on him. Years later he admitted that he beat her, said he always felt ashamed of it but still maintained that she was a cheater (who knows?). His next gf bore him a child and their relationship was only slightly less abusive than his marriage. I'm still friends with his sons mom to this day. She is sweet, honest, loyal and hardworking. One of the better people I know and nothing at all like my ex described her.

 

Just don't fall for his crap. I bet all of his relationships have been misery filled. You are not the only person he had issues with. His issues are within him and you can't do anything to fix him or help him. Sometimes not even intense therapy can help people like this because they are rarely able to accept responsibility for their behaviour long enough to truly get help. You are lucky that you got away. Now stop communicating with him and listening to his mind games

[HiCrunchy]

This dude sounds pyscho. Consider yourself lucky gurl

[joseb]

OP he sounds messed up. Good you are moving on.

 

I'll just mention one thing from your original post:

 

"I like to start arguments out of the blue"

 

Maybe it was a bad choice of words, but this doesn't sound healthy either.

[Space Ritual]

Dear Lord, OP. This one is a no brainer. I could barely finish the first post and i knew how this was going to subsequently go. Alas I did read the whole thread thus far

 

Please do yourself the favor of favors, and get this insecure doofus out of your life.

 

Seriously, this has the potential to end up a Dorothy Stratten /Paul Snyder horror story if you don't get the hell away from him and cut him out of your life. There is generally a vast difference between jealous and dangerous. This guy seems to have a very thin line to cross from one to the other. And you don't want to be on the business end of that danger.

 

Please see your value as a person and refuse to be treated in such a callous way.

[Emmafive]

OP he sounds messed up. Good you are moving on.

 

I'll just mention one thing from your original post:

 

"I like to start arguments out of the blue"

 

Maybe it was a bad choice of words, but this doesn't sound healthy either.

 

Oh whoops, that must have been a typo. He starts arguments out of the blue.

[Emmafive]

 

I'm mad reading this. What twisted logic. It's really all about blaming you somehow isn't it? It's really about him not taking responsibility for himself. And the scariest is that by twisting every thing to blame you, he's likely hoping he can manipulate you.

 

Stay strong, stay away. Big hugs.

 

Thank you <3

[Emmafive]

I was recently told that his last message was gaslighting. I don’t think I quite grasp this concept.

 

If I was the one who kept saying I didn't say that in response to his accusations (he said I told him I used to lie to my ex. I KNOW I never said that because I never did that and who the heck would tell their new SO that anyways?) and according to him he's been feeling like I'm making him out to be crazy-wouldn't that be me gaslighting him? Again, maybe I'm not grasping what gaslighting is...

 

Any explanation of gaslighting would be great, thanks