Going to a bar alone to meet guys

[girlinNYC]

I used to go to bars by myself in NY all the time with my laptop when I was writing my book a few years back. I admit there are a lot of shady people who could make a move on ya, but it's not difficult to be sensible and careful and at the same time still enjoy yourself being a woman in NYC.

 

 

 

If a guy views me in a negative way bc I am sitting in a bar alone, he's not worth my time anyway. The guy I am trying to attract would not make such judgements about me.

 

Why succumb to social standards when you can dance out of line and swim against the tide? Nothing wrong with that

 

Preach. If a guy is going to judge something as innocent and simple as a girl grabbing a drink after work then it's not the sort of company I would want to keep then and in future. Easiest way to make yourself feel inferior in the hands of another person, no thank you!

[girlinNYC]

Yes I do go out at 10 pm, and on more than a few occasions stay out till closing time - 2 am.

 

I don't know, from the time I was very young my father taught me to be independent, confident, and able to handle myself.

 

I used to walk across San Francisco in the wee hours of the morning (3 am) as a 19 year old to get to work. I go on road trips by myself, all sorts of things.

 

I don't allow my gender to limit me - I couldn't imagine living a life where I always needed a chaperone because I was scared that I couldn't handle myself.

 

Maybe its the way I carry myself. Maybe its my don't even think of F'ing with me attitude. Maybe its because I grew up in a urban center full of homeless and mentally ill and learned how to handle myself. But I am 100% comfortable alone. I don't need other females, and a man with me to navigate the world.

 

Love that. Good on you.

[girlinNYC]

I am sorry but I cannot agree with you. I find it terribly painful to read how women just let themselves be objectified or judged by men around them.

I am not saying she should go to the bar in her sexiest outfit and pout her lips whilst looking around. I say, go to the bar, wear something comfortable, bring a book, and do you. Just be yourself. Don't look for attention.

That's when someone non-judgmental and genuine may show up and start a conversation. Who knows.

 

Life is not like a Sex in the City episode. But I know for sure that everytime I stopped trying to attract anyone, is when I met the most interesting and genuine people.

 

I will look classy, ha. It will only ever be done after work. I'm most comfortable that way, whether I like it or not if I was there in a mini dress I know I would attract bad attention and the wrong type of people.

If I walk out having not struck up a conversation that's fine, I'm not going solely to pick up men. Just more to broaden my comfort zone. If I do meet someone interesting though that can't be a bad thing.

[girlinNYC]

If you are a street smart, secure, confident woman who doesn't mind doing be things on her own - then do it.

 

If you are insecure, naive, or terribly uncomfortable doing things on your own, it's probably not for you.

 

Gees, what do female business travelers do? Hide in their hotel room?

 

I was out of town for business for a few days recently, enjoyed dinners by myself, and yes some drinks in the evening.

 

Met an interesting guy, had a long discussion with him about his ailing cat and the right time and way for euthanasia - titillating discussion!!

 

I'm definitely the former. I have no issue going anywhere on my own, theres a whole world out there and it would be a shame to not meet an array of different people for the sake of being house bound because of my gender.

Euthanasia is one topic maybe if I meet someone interesting this week I can let you know if we get onto any obscure topics like that.

[girlinNYC]

I used to go to bars alone a lot (music places) and the ones who approached me were usually guys too lame to just be social in a group and they also usually waited until the bar was about to close hoping I was that drunk. Instead of just setting yourself alone and waiting, because that doesn't return good results, go alone if you want (really doesn't matter) but be gregarious and don't be afraid to just smile or say hi on your way past someone to break the ice or say how you like the music or something. If you, say, were headed for the bar or ladies' room and just passed a guy you were attracted to and smiled real friendly and said hi and just kept going, he'd know he could just come up and talk to you later.

 

100% agree with you! Love that approach.

[girlinNYC]

Working men....seriously? if it was a gay bar, then that would be a yes. Apples to oranges. It happened to me when I walked in alone in a club my husband's band was playing at. It wasn't a dive, it was a pretty nice place. They assumed I was "working" and I wasn't dressed like one that's for sure. I was pissed off, but it's a reality. It's the perspective of a lot of men, not what women see, it's what men will think.

 

 

Plus we are not talking about just having a drink, and reading your romance novel at a little table in the corner, the OP wants to meet men. That's a way different landscape all together. Nice girls don't go to bars alone and try to make eye contact with strange men.

 

It may be sexist but it is what it is. Just like sleeping with some random guy the first night you meet, will have most thinking you are easy. That won't change.

 

I may not have been specific enough in my original post. Meeting men in any capacity, not just for a one night stand. I wouldn't jump into bed with one an hour after we met. I prefer the company of men (generally) less cattiness, gossip and an overall better time.

[girlinNYC]

When I see a woman alone in a bar, I assume she is waiting for friends, or perhaps killing time. I think the idea that she might be a "prostitute" is somewhat ridiculous; it's mostly in the movies (and foreign countries) that prostitutes wait at the bar. I have never seen that in the US, and I doubt there are many people who have been to as many different bars as I have.

 

As a guy, I know (or I should!) most assumptions I make about a woman by herself at the bar are my own pitfall and hangups. For many, many years I enjoyed going to bars by myself. I would want my female friends and relatives to enjoy the same freedom; bars are NICE!!! It's ingrained in all of us to think "limited" thoughts about women doing "surprising" things, unfortunately, but we also must fight the urge to think that way.

 

Years ago I met a woman by herself at a bar during a happy hour in a commercial district of a massive city. I thought there might be some opportunity there but I wanted to not be "that guy" who hit on a woman who was perhaps just being garden-variety friendly. I always remember her because she seemed so polished and confident to be just starting a convo with a stranger in a bar. My takeaway from that was, a confident woman who makes small talk in a place where a lot of women might fear to go will be seen in a good light.

 

I saw Smackie's post above and I agree that there are lots of guys who might not be able to deal with a woman chatting them up at a bar, but then again.... wouldn't you want to date a man who had the huevos and maturity to deal with a woman who was doing nothing more elaborate than being a mature human in a public place?

 

ABSOLUTELY! And that's my whole mindset right there. While I will be dressed classily, I won't attract the same sort of guy who would approach a girl who is showing excessive cleavage in a mini dress. Being alone I think is a more approachable situation. I'm not desperate (far from) but I would like to push my own boundaries.

Any guy who can't accept in 2017 that a girl is just as entitled to have an innocent drink at a bar is one I won't ever want in my presence.

[girlinNYC]

Different strokes for different folks.

 

I usually very quickly find a stranger to chat with. I love meeting people and talking with humans from all walks of life.

 

Business trip? One evening talked all night with a man who reminded me of my father. Sometimes I meet cute young bloods, other times some professional on the road as well.

 

I go out by myself probably once a month. Usually when the Mr is out of town on business, or I am out of town doing the same.

 

Truthfully I really enjoyed talking with men, it's rare I meet a female while out, but it happens on occasion as well.

 

I have met men I would be interested in dating.... If I was dating.

 

I love the freedom of going out alone, going where the wind takes me, no one to confir with first.

 

Knock on wood, never have gotten into any sort of "trouble" - sure I have had to tell a drunk dude to BEAT IT while I waited for an Uber etc... But I have never been in a scary situation.

 

Never been mistaken for a working girl either....

 

Edited to add. I DO NOT go to "clubs". Beer bars, classy cocktail lounges, financial district bars.

 

Clubs are totally a different scene - not for me, often very sleazy.

 

I'm the same. I've always hated nightclubs. My preferred destinations are bars and restaurants. Less sleazy clientele, clubs are sleazy meet markets.

I prefer the company of men in social settings too. Less cattiness all round.

I think as long as a woman is street smart with a good head on her shoulders there's nothing she should be bound from doing.

[angel.eyes]

In NYC and most cities I've been in, there's nothing unusual about you sitting in a nice bar with a drink. No one mistook me for a working girl!! And yes, guys are way more likely to approach and chat you up when you're solo. More so than if you're with a friend, and certainly much more frequently than if you show up in a gaggle of friends.The guys I've ended up chatting with at bars have all been interesting, professional guys, just out having a drink themselves.

 

Now, that being said, you mention relationships in your OP. Perhaps, it's my personal bias, but I don't view bars as the best way to land in a relationship. Mutual hobbies, friends, shared interests, school, work, church, and OLD were how I met guys also looking for a relationship.

 

It's not that you can't land in a relationship with someone you meet in a club or bar. It's that the odds drop precipitously. When looking for a relationship, I focus where my odds are best. For me that's been my social circle, church, and OLD. Bars? Not so much. For me that's a venue to have random, enjoyable one-off conversations with interesting people whose life experiences are somewhat different than my own. Have I gone on dates with guys I met that way? On occasion. But it rarely goes beyond a first date. As we learn more about each other, we aren't a good match.

[smackie9]

Hey it's just my opinion but I think it's odd for any gender to be sitting alone at a busy bar....looking for a potential partner....I'm not just restricting this to women only. Simple social purposes, hanging out, I don't see anything wrong with grabbing a drink alone, I do it myself. It's just the normal perspective where I live. I'm not telling you guys to never go out without an escort lol geez louise!

 

I can see it in a large city like NY or LA, the lifestyle is way different. I hear it's hard to date/meet someone (I know a few NY'rs). There's plenty of people, places to go and see, BUT the more people, the less friendlier than say a small town where everyone know your name.

 

It's a different animal here in Vancouver. The only solo people I see are the lonely guys, that their whole social life revolves around sitting on a bar stool like Norm lol. I have such a friend. That's all he does, and has like 15 aquariums of fish in his place.

[Cookiesandough]

Hey it's just my opinion but I think it's odd for any gender to be sitting alone at a busy bar....looking for a potential partner....I'm not just restricting this to women only. Simple social purposes, hanging out, I don't see anything wrong with grabbing a drink alone, I do it myself. It's just the normal perspective where I live. I'm not telling you guys to never go out without an escort lol geez louise!

 

I can see it in a large city like NY or LA, the lifestyle is way different. I hear it's hard to date/meet someone (I know a few NY'rs). There's plenty of people, places to go and see, BUT the more people, the less friendlier than say a small town where everyone know your name.

 

It's a different animal here in Vancouver. The only solo people I see are the lonely guys, that their whole social life revolves around sitting on a bar stool like Norm lol. I have such a friend. That's all he does, and has like 15 aquariums of fish in his place.

 

Same where I'm at. I guess I should have accounted for location and different culture, but I can only speak to where I'm at. If even a guy is sitting alone at a bar here(not obviously waiting for someone)he is seen as a lonely person... maybe alcoholic.. maybe his gf/wife just left him. It's just not too common here. He making convo with the bartender and hitting on the chicks who are there in groups

Edited October 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

Maybe the OP should take up tennis....lol maybe meet a cute instructor.

[preraph]

I used to go to bars alone when I didn't have someone to go with (male or female friend). Once, about 10 years ago now that I think of it, I was at a bar with a guy friend. He said he was going to go to the bathroom then we would leave. I sat alone at a bar stool and watched people around me, minding my own business, not saying anything to anyone. Then this guy comes up to me, leans in and says "Don't look so sad, someday some man will come along and he'll treat you nice and make you happy." I looked at him, then he walked away. I was blown away because I must look so sad.

 

And it's 10 years later and ... Nothing's changed. If anything I'm even more isolated than I was then. It's what it is.

 

You've got to fake looking happy and smile if you want to meet people.

[preraph]

I've been mistaken for a prostitute twice, but not in a bar. Once on the street in New Orleans (gerrrofff me!) and once that made me really mad when I went to a radio/records convention in the 70s before there were many women in the business. Wore a three piece taupe Kasper suit, walked into the lobby and immediately a guy who had apparently ordered a hooker came and took me by the arm to give me instructions. Grrrrrr. I was later that guy's client. They did well to keep him far far away from me. I was so mad. The next year I went, I went with a punk band and wore one of their leather jackets and no one messed with me.

[girlinNYC]

Maybe the OP should take up tennis....lol maybe meet a cute instructor.

 

Funny you mention that. I used to play tennis and my instructor was gorgeous, he was married though so that ruled him out ha

[girlinNYC]

Same where I'm at. I guess I should have accounted for location and different culture, but I can only speak to where I'm at. If even a guy is sitting alone at a bar here(not obviously waiting for someone)he is seen as a lonely person... maybe alcoholic.. maybe his gf/wife just left him. It's just not too common here. He making convo with the bartender and hitting on the chicks who are there in groups

 

It's more laidback where I am. I've been in snobby areas and now I'm in a more unassuming place where people are really chill when they're out.

Hence why I'm not too apprehensive about my approach. I don't act desperate, I don't get wasted so I'll simply be enjoying a drink independently after work. If I meet some interesting people well hey I won't complain.

As mentioned I do see where you and Smackie are coming from. It must be a different culture or vibe where you live.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The only reason I'd go to a bar alone is if I'm traveling and have nothing else to do at night. I would never do it in my town.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You've got to fake looking happy and smile if you want to meet people.

 

True!! I received a marriage proposal just this morning from a man I talked to for five minutes, on a shuttle bus from my hotel to the airport. Granted, he reeked of liquor from last night and was 62 years old to my 44, BUT, it was because I was friendly and engaging to him. (I love getting to know people and their stories.)

[girlinNYC]

True!! I received a marriage proposal just this morning from a man I talked to for five minutes, on a shuttle bus from my hotel to the airport. Granted, he reeked of liquor from last night and was 62 years old to my 44, BUT, it was because I was friendly and engaging to him. (I love getting to know people and their stories.)

 

Ha, that's lovely. I don't presume you'll be going on a date anytime soon?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ha, that's lovely. I don't presume you'll be going on a date anytime soon?

 

Hahaha! No .

[It's Just Me]

It's more laidback where I am. I've been in snobby areas and now I'm in a more unassuming place where people are really chill when they're out.

Hence why I'm not too apprehensive about my approach. I don't act desperate, I don't get wasted so I'll simply be enjoying a drink independently after work. If I meet some interesting people well hey I won't complain.

As mentioned I do see where you and Smackie are coming from. It must be a different culture or vibe where you live.

 

Here's what I would do: bring a clipboard and a pen, and interview everyone about what they think about women drinking solo in a bar. Just like you're doing here, but in person.

 

The fun and cute ones should be asked extra questions, and should perhaps provide some contact information for follow-up.

 

I used to travel extensively on business to all kinds of cities, and while I didn't mind having dinner and a glass of wine alone, I usually avoided hotel bars. Now, this was in the 90s, when women were still being subjected to all kinds of judgment and sexual innuendo. Times may have changed in that regard.

[Kellens]

OP I'm from NYC and 2 years ago when I was single, I used to go to bars by myself all the time. I'm not going to lie, at first it is very awkward, but once you have a drink in your hand, you'll feel a little better. I used to get a couple of beers and order an appetizer. I am an attractive woman but I wasn't bothered a lot. I spoke to a few guys, was offered drinks (which I turned down) but I never felt like people were judging me. After reading all the posts here maybe everyone was

 

I was single and lonely, I didn't have any friends around and I didn't want to drink in my apartment all alone. I wasn't necessarily trying to pick up guys, I just didn't want to be alone and I figured it might be a way to meet new people, male or female. If you're into sports, there's always something playing on a tv for an icebreaker conversation too.

 

I say definitely give it a try. Just always guard your drink and be aware of your surroundings. I am pretty street smart too since I was born and raised here but you can never be too careful!

[girlinNYC]

Here's what I would do: bring a clipboard and a pen, and interview everyone about what they think about women drinking solo in a bar. Just like you're doing here, but in person.

 

The fun and cute ones should be asked extra questions, and should perhaps provide some contact information for follow-up.

 

I used to travel extensively on business to all kinds of cities, and while I didn't mind having dinner and a glass of wine alone, I usually avoided hotel bars. Now, this was in the 90s, when women were still being subjected to all kinds of judgment and sexual innuendo. Times may have changed in that regard.

 

Haha nice idea.

I'll definitely be mysterious, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to enjoy a drink after a long day at work. I've never done it solo before so it'll be good to broaden my experiences and get out of my comfort zone. Months ago I wouldn't have dared do it but it's amazing how you can grow as a person. Maybe it'll be a double win and I'll meet a cute businessman! Ha

[girlinNYC]

OP I'm from NYC and 2 years ago when I was single, I used to go to bars by myself all the time. I'm not going to lie, at first it is very awkward, but once you have a drink in your hand, you'll feel a little better. I used to get a couple of beers and order an appetizer. I am an attractive woman but I wasn't bothered a lot. I spoke to a few guys, was offered drinks (which I turned down) but I never felt like people were judging me. After reading all the posts here maybe everyone was

 

I was single and lonely, I didn't have any friends around and I didn't want to drink in my apartment all alone. I wasn't necessarily trying to pick up guys, I just didn't want to be alone and I figured it might be a way to meet new people, male or female. If you're into sports, there's always something playing on a tv for an icebreaker conversation too.

 

I say definitely give it a try. Just always guard your drink and be aware of your surroundings. I am pretty street smart too since I was born and raised here but you can never be too careful!

 

I'm definitely prepared for the initial awkward factor but that should only last a few moments. I've never gone solo to a bar before so it'll be nice to experience something new. A girl deserves a drink after a long day at work ha. If I meet a cute guy in a suit well that's a bonus. Not that I'll do anything stupid. I'm definitely wanting to expand my social circle and meet new people so I think it's good to do that alone, not tied to anyone. I'll give it a try and few times and see how it goes.

Being careful is my number one approach!

[d0nnivain]

It's NYC. There are thousands of MeetUp groups. Perhaps try attending some of those that interest you to meet new people & expand your circle.