Open marriage stopped suddenly.dealing with loss.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks what's the point of quibbling about this matter? I don't think the OP is going anywhere. She has stated quite clearly that she loves her husband and this sex on the side, while it is a pleasant interlude is not the be all and end all of everything. I have read of cases where there is severe humiliation of the husband by his wife and her lover and yet the wife never leaves the husband. In fact the humiliation is something the husband craves and makes it a point to ask his wife to inflict on him. The greater the humiliation the more turned on he gets. What the OP is feeling for her lover is mild compared to what goes on in these alternative lifestyles and yet husbands and wives still stick together. However, in some odd case the wife does sometimes fall for her lover and abandons her husband. That kind of thing happens in normal marriages where one spouse cheats on the other and then walks off with the AP.

 

For those not familiar with the alternative lifestyle culture it is extremely difficult to wrap their brains around something like this. I admit I have no personal knowledge of these alternative lifestyles. When I first came across websites dealing with them I too, was aghast. I just could not understand how normal married couples could happily exchange partners or husbands let their wives have sex with other men on a regular basis. However over time I have come to accept that for some people, sex, as long as it is not accompanied by emotions, is just that, a physical act something like masturbation which fulfills a certain need and once over and done with it's back home to resume normal married life with husband, kids and so on. There are also regular church going folks who are into this kink. They will have a Jamboree on a Saturday night and the next morning they are in church singing in the choir. I have reached a stage where I have an open mind about all these various kinks. One cannot lecture everyone in this world nor can one interfere with their life choices so the best thing is to live and let live. Warm wishes.

[DKT3]

So what is your suggestion DKT3?

 

Divorce? It seems to you that this is an irreparable situation with no hope of growth or learning from it.

 

In your eyes is there any way to control her emotions, reset expectations, change dynamics for the better?

 

Time to reevaluate the situation, circle the wagons and focus on the lost connection with in the marriage.

 

Another option would be limitations, too late in this case.

 

Just a guy, I don't really disagree with the other two, I'm merely stating the issue is deeper then sexual ablity or experience.

 

Yes she has made it obvious she wants her marriage..... NOW. but what happens if her husband is not interested in being OM in bed, she became frustrated with what she once called great sex?

[Just a Guy]

Hi DKT3, I guess if their marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen it will happen sooner or later and there is nothing you or I can do about it. It is for the two people in the relationship to take a call on it at some point of time. What you say has some merit in it but the fact is that if the OP and her husband are comfortable with everything and are prepared to compromise they can come out unscathed. If egos clash and they are not prepared to compromise then a train wreck will happen. This kind of a lifestyle requires a great capacity to trust one's partner to do the right thing. Only a relationship which is very strong and without the inevitable jealousy factor can thrive in this kind of scenario. It is something like these kinds of couples are from Mars or Saturn and not Earth. They breathe a different atmosphere. Warm wishes.

[DKT3]

Hi DKT3, I guess if their marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen it will happen sooner or later and there is nothing you or I can do about it. It is for the two people in the relationship to take a call on it at some point of time. What you say has some merit in it but the fact is that if the OP and her husband are comfortable with everything and are prepared to compromise they can come out unscathed. If egos clash and they are not prepared to compromise then a train wreck will happen. This kind of a lifestyle requires a great capacity to trust one's partner to do the right thing. Only a relationship which is very strong and without the inevitable jealousy factor can thrive in this kind of scenario. It is something like these kinds of couples are from Mars or Saturn and not Earth. They breathe a different atmosphere. Warm wishes.

 

But that's the thing, they aren't comfortable with what is going on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DKT3, well in that case I think you'll have to get it from the horse's mouth as to how they intend to fix things among'st themselves. As outsiders we can only speculate. The big word here is compromise. If they can do it successfully they would have won the battle. Warm wishes.

[Jg81]

So Everytime she has a better sexual connection while in the open marriage it becomes his duty to "be" or recreate it so she doesn't miss it? No, not only is that unfair, he will lose confidence.

 

Wow. That would be something. Take every great aspect of every lover I have had and force my husband to perform like them. With his good looks, hot body, personality, and all of their skills I'd be a nonstop quivering mess!

 

Or if the opposite was true and I had to conform to all of his previous lovers, I'd spend just about every waking moment on my hands and knees asking why he's not filling every hole. He'd think he'd died and gone to heaven.

 

I think you're being to literal and black and white. I'm not asking him to be someone else, I'm asking for the things I like.

 

I can go over to a girlfriends house and have an amazing time playing a game. Is it wrong if I want to play the same game with my husband? Maybe I'll find out he hates the game and will never play it with me. So what? It's not worth ending a marriage over. However I still have the right to be disappointed.

[dichotomy]

OP... I hope you stay on Love Shack for a while and keep us updated, but if you do step away from the board - please check back in the future .

 

I very much want to learn how this all works out - its just so mind boggling all the different relationships and things that happen here.

[road]

So, you only understand if you've been in an open relationship? So I don't understand that op compares her husband sexually to OM, and she doesn't think he adds up? I don't understand that her true motivation is to "make" her husband more like OM?

 

There is a deeper issue here, one which begun when she replaced her husband with OM as her primary sexual partner. This is not a physical issue, it's all mental and emotional. Her husband tuning his technic can't change that. Simply put, in her mind she has a better sexual connection with OM. I don't have to sleep with multiple women while married or have my wife sleeping with other men to understand that.

 

Damn. right on the money.

She went from the occasional threesome with her

husband and the OM. To going at it with the OM

solo minimum 3 times a week.

 

She replaced her husband and made her OM her

primary sex partner. The display, or performance that

she put on with the OM in front of her husband

would make any husband feel inadequate.

 

Her OM played her as a great violinist would make

a Stradivarius sing. Remember how the OP mentioned

how she responded to the OM in movements and sounds

with loudness levels far above she ever did with her

husband.

 

Her husband will remember this forever.

 

And when she tries to "act this way" for her husband

how is he to know if she is being real or doing it

for his benefit.

 

As another poster already said. It one thing for a man to

think or believe or assume he is the best his wife ever

had. Not knowing about his wife's past lovers he is safe

to assume this.

 

Well his wife has just deflated his ego. He now knows

that he is not her best now and never will be. And

good chance he never ever was before the OM.

 

Ah, the joys of having an open marriage.

[road]

You are right to point. The sex was better. But it's not as if the physical part of sex is the only thing that makes sex great. Things can be learned, preformed, or said to help make sex great. I don't think me wanting more is making it my husbands issue. I think it's communicating my desires to become satisfied; hopefully he does the same thing.

 

You wanted more with the OM because it was that

good.

 

You did not want to do the work to bring your husband

to the level of the OM.

 

This is why you moved the OM into the position as your

primary sex partner.

 

Believe me when I say this. If the OM was single

and you looked that good eventually he was going

to start to work on you to leave your husband.

 

How I know?

 

I have seen this played out too many times.

 

You think that you know why the OM did not

leave the company. Very likely he was liking the sex

with you a lot. Enough to talk with management that

he was having second thoughts about leaving and

what would they do. Offer him a raise and or

promotion stay.

 

Now the OM is in a position to make a move on you.

He gets you try playing alone without your husband.

You agree.

He gets you to make him you primary sexual partner.

You go out on dates with him and leave your husband

home.

 

Your husband saw the hand writing on the wall. Damn,

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder saw the writing as well.

That is why he said no more sex with the OM.

[road]

So what is your suggestion DKT3?

 

Divorce? It seems to you that this is an irreparable situation with no hope of growth or learning from it.

 

In your eyes is there any way to control her emotions, reset expectations, change dynamics for the better?

 

She has to do what other women before her have done.

Decide that great sex alone will not make a good husband.

So she has to decide that the OM's only value is great sex.

That her husband has everything else going for him.

 

So she has to stuff her feelings for the OM. Repair the

damage to her husband. Close and recover their marriage.

 

However her OM has now surpassed her husband as a

provider with his promotion. Better sex, better provider.

OM started tipping the scales in his favor.

 

Open marriages are just divine, just to die for.

[road]

Hi Folks what's the point of quibbling about this matter? I don't think the OP is going anywhere. She has stated quite clearly that she loves her husband and this sex on the side, while it is a pleasant interlude is not the be all and end all of everything. I have read of cases where there is severe humiliation of the husband by his wife and her lover and yet the wife never leaves the husband. In fact the humiliation is something the husband craves and makes it a point to ask his wife to inflict on him. The greater the humiliation the more turned on he gets. What the OP is feeling for her lover is mild compared to what goes on in these alternative lifestyles and yet husbands and wives still stick together. However, in some odd case the wife does sometimes fall for her lover and abandons her husband. That kind of thing happens in normal marriages where one spouse cheats on the other and then walks off with the AP.

 

For those not familiar with the alternative lifestyle culture it is extremely difficult to wrap their brains around something like this. I admit I have no personal knowledge of these alternative lifestyles. When I first came across websites dealing with them I too, was aghast. I just could not understand how normal married couples could happily exchange partners or husbands let their wives have sex with other men on a regular basis. However over time I have come to accept that for some people, sex, as long as it is not accompanied by emotions, is just that, a physical act something like masturbation which fulfills a certain need and once over and done with it's back home to resume normal married life with husband, kids and so on. There are also regular church going folks who are into this kink. They will have a Jamboree on a Saturday night and the next morning they are in church singing in the choir. I have reached a stage where I have an open mind about all these various kinks. One cannot lecture everyone in this world nor can one interfere with their life choices so the best thing is to live and let live. Warm wishes.

 

Sneaking off with Mary Hand is not the same as

having sex with other people when you are married.

[road]

 

Yes she has made it obvious she wants her marriage..... NOW. but what happens if her husband is not interested in being OM in bed, she became frustrated with what she once called great sex?

 

A good question.

 

Another question what if the husband just loses interest

to bring his best game to bed because he knows he can't

compete?

[road]

Hi DKT3, I guess if their marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen it will happen sooner or later and there is nothing you or I can do about it. It is for the two people in the relationship to take a call on it at some point of time. What you say has some merit in it but the fact is that if the OP and her husband are comfortable with everything and are prepared to compromise they can come out unscathed. If egos clash and they are not prepared to compromise then a train wreck will happen. This kind of a lifestyle requires a great capacity to trust one's partner to do the right thing. Only a relationship which is very strong and without the inevitable jealousy factor can thrive in this kind of scenario. It is something like these kinds of couples are from Mars or Saturn and not Earth. They breathe a different atmosphere. Warm wishes.

 

Because some people can handle this life style

is not an endorsement of the open marriage.

 

Because in reality it is only a very small handful of

people that can handle that life style. Years of reading

has shown me that for every 1 successful open marriage

there is at least 1,000 marriages that affairs and

divorces were the result.

[road]

So Everytime she has a better sexual connection while in the open marriage it becomes his duty to "be" or recreate it so she doesn't miss it? No, not only is that unfair, he will lose confidence.

 

Wow. That would be something. Take every great aspect of every lover I have had and force my husband to perform like them. With his good looks, hot body, personality, and all of their skills I'd be a nonstop quivering mess!

 

Or if the opposite was true and I had to conform to all of his previous lovers, I'd spend just about every waking moment on my hands and knees asking why he's not filling every hole. He'd think he'd died and gone to heaven.

 

I think you're being to literal and black and white. I'm not asking him to be someone else, I'm asking for the things I like.

 

I can go over to a girlfriends house and have an amazing time playing a game. Is it wrong if I want to play the same game with my husband? Maybe I'll find out he hates the game and will never play it with me. So what? It's not worth ending a marriage over. However I still have the right to be disappointed.

 

Playing scrabble with a GF is not the same as

playing house with an OM.

[road]

Hi all,

 

 

The theeesomes continued for at least a couple times a month for the next couple of months and Jeff eventually said we could carry on when he wasn't around. That set off a month of a ton of hook ups with me and Ben. Ben turned out to be even better solo.

The threesomes stopped for a while but once we had another it was clear to Jeff that I was really enjoying Ben. Different moans, louder etc. he loved it. Life continued where I would meet up with Ben a couple times a week and we would have a theeesome with him a few times a month.

 

 

Jg81, what is hooking up a ton of times?

 

Who was the first to bring up going solo, Ben, you, or

your husband?

 

When doing that ton of hook ups with Ben did your husband

know the amount of times that you were hooking up?

[Cephalopod]

I don't understand why non-monogamous people want to be married.

[central]

I don't understand why non-monogamous people want to be married.

 

I would guess that it's a failure of your imagination.

[hammyy2k]

I don't understand why non-monogamous people want to be married.

 

be prepared to be ganged up by 4-5 member group here one has already done that

[somanymistakes]

I don't understand why non-monogamous people want to be married.

 

There's not going to be one single answer for that, there are lots of them.

 

Many non-monogamous people still have a single primary relationship and everything else is just a little bit of fun on the side. They still have one person who is the most important person to them, who they intend to grow old with. Everything else is FWBs, walking sex toys, nothing that matters.

 

Many people want the stability of legal ties, especially if buying property together or raising a family together.

 

Some of them would happily marry multiple wives/husbands if they were legally allowed to, to make them all part of the same family. They still want to promise "I will love and cherish you forever, I will always support and look after you, no matter what". There's a lot to marriage vows other than sex.

 

Some people find that it's just easier to deal with society that way. There are legal benefits to being married, and people ask fewer questions about your life if you appear to be a normal married couple and not two people 'shacking up' for ten years.

 

On the flip side there are people who stay together long term but refuse to get married because they don't LIKE the idea of "looking normal" just to fit in. People vary.

[hammyy2k]

There's not going to be one single answer for that, there are lots of them.

 

Many non-monogamous people still have a single primary relationship and everything else is just a little bit of fun on the side. They still have one person who is the most important person to them, who they intend to grow old with. Everything else is FWBs, walking sex toys, nothing that matters.

 

Many people want the stability of legal ties, especially if buying property together or raising a family together.

 

Some of them would happily marry multiple wives/husbands if they were legally allowed to, to make them all part of the same family. They still want to promise "I will love and cherish you forever, I will always support and look after you, no matter what". There's a lot to marriage vows other than sex.

 

Some people find that it's just easier to deal with society that way. There are legal benefits to being married, and people ask fewer questions about your life if you appear to be a normal married couple and not two people 'shacking up' for ten years.

 

On the flip side there are people who stay together long term but refuse to get married because they don't LIKE the idea of "looking normal" just to fit in. People vary.

 

in a parallel universe, yes, in this world no

 

most of the open marriages are based on failure of marriages and failure of present relationship, in order to justify the cheating of mostly one or maybe both spouce, open marriages are compromised, but most of them end up in divorces anyway

 

open marriages was coined for an entirely different purpose, the history of open marriage will given some idea about what open marriages intended to be, polygamous people twisted the meaning for their own purpose

 

open marriages were never about polygamy relationships

 

as far as legality of marriages is concerned, i just want to know how a couple cannot co own a house, a business, or cannot manage finances in all legal terms without getting married

 

im not very much aware of laws in US, does the law prohibit co owning a house, a business or raising family together?

 

an example of above user about insurance policy is just about a private company business, people use laws and legal system for their advantage in many ways possible but most people dont get married to seek financial leverage.

 

most of the people who marry want stability of family by making their relationship official thats all, the couples who divorce undergo more harm than benefit when breaking their finances and to deal with courts and lawyers etc.

 

given that in the US the divorce rate is 60% and the cheating rate is even higher thats 80% no wonder marriage institution is failing badly there because of twisting and turning the concept of a marriage.

Edited October 20, 2017 by hammyy2k

[somanymistakes]

in a parallel universe, yes, in this world no

 

most of the open marriages are based on failure of marriages and failure of present relationship, in order to justify the cheating of mostly one or maybe both spouce, open marriages are compromised, but most of them end up in divorces anyway

 

open marriages was coined for an entirely different purpose, the history of open marriage will given some idea about what open marriages intended to be, polygamous people twisted the meaning for their own purpose

 

open marriages were never about polygamy relationships

 

Honestly, 'open marriage' is not a term used by the sort of people I talk to in my world. Yeah, I've seen postings on internet forums with the kind of thing you're talking about, where a marriage was failing already and someone cheated and then they go "Maybe we can have an OPEN MARRIAGE!!!" in order to try and save it, and this goes to pot in the end.

 

But the kind of people I mostly talk to would say that was doomed from the start because you can't possibly build a stable non-monogamous relationship when you started out with lies and deception to begin with. You have to be totally open and trusting and honest with each other or it's impossible.

 

I know a number of people in the polyamory community. Most were poly before they got married, and married each other with full understanding of what the other one wanted. A few developed feelings for someone after getting married, but they didn't cheat, they talked to their partners and reached a decision together on what to do. Several of those turn into long-term triangles, where a third party moves in with the married couple and they all stay together happily for years/decades.

 

Obviously it wouldn't always work out that happily, but if your marriage crashed and burned because you fell for someone else, you probably wouldn't be in the poly community, you'd end up ont eh sort of forum complaining about infidelity. the nature of these forums affects the balance of people that we see.

 

So I can't say much about 'open marriages' because like I said that's not a term these people use, but they're still 'non monogamous'.

[somanymistakes]

 

as far as legality of marriages is concerned, i just want to know how a couple cannot co own a house, a business, or cannot manage finances in all legal terms without getting married

 

im not very much aware of laws in US, does the law prohibit co owning a house, a business or raising family together?

 

This varies by state actually, the US legal system is extremely confusing when it comes to a lot of these things. Yes, there are states where it is illegal for a man and a woman to own property and live together while not married. Not often prosecuted though and I think a couple of those laws have been overturned in recent years.

[BluesPower]

in a parallel universe, yes, in this world no

 

most of the open marriages are based on failure of marriages and failure of present relationship, in order to justify the cheating of mostly one or maybe both spouce, open marriages are compromised, but most of them end up in divorces anyway

 

open marriages was coined for an entirely different purpose, the history of open marriage will given some idea about what open marriages intended to be, polygamous people twisted the meaning for their own purpose

 

open marriages were never about polygamy relationships

 

as far as legality of marriages is concerned, i just want to know how a couple cannot co own a house, a business, or cannot manage finances in all legal terms without getting married

 

im not very much aware of laws in US, does the law prohibit co owning a house, a business or raising family together?

 

an example of above user about insurance policy is just about a private company business, people use laws and legal system for their advantage in many ways possible but most people dont get married to seek financial leverage.

 

most of the people who marry want stability of family by making their relationship official thats all, the couples who divorce undergo more harm than benefit when breaking their finances and to deal with courts and lawyers etc.

 

given that in the US the divorce rate is 60% and the cheating rate is even higher thats 80% no wonder marriage institution is failing badly there because of twisting and turning the concept of a marriage.

 

I have no idea where you are from or how old you are because you will not say which is fine. (and yes it helps people understand where you are coming from)...

 

You are entitled to any opinion that you want to have, but you are not entitled to your own facts.

 

The Divorce rate in the US in no where near 60%. In fact, all statistics over he last few years put it at below 50% and some studies suggest it is lower than that and actually has been moving down over the last couple of decades. And no study in the US that I am aware of puts the cheating rate at 80%. They vary between 30% and 50%.

 

Since the OP evidently lives in the US or some other western country, She and her husband are FREE to conduct their marriage and their sexual activity in any way that they want to. So from a western perspective, it is really not valid IMHO, to denigrate someone for the LEGAL and VALID choices that they make for their own lives, as long as they are not hurting other people and not involving anyone who is below the age of consent.

 

Some people enjoy different types of sex, Swinging, Group, BDSM, whatever else you can think of. And that is their right, and everyone is open to comment on it, but I am really not sure that berating someone for their choices I proper, it is certainly not polite.

 

Some people get into this lifestyle and its variants and do in fact ruin their marriages. That is however, their choice.

 

And, in the US, their are advantages to being married for legal, financial, and tax reasons. And there are no existing laws that prohibit any group of people from owning anything that they can afford.

 

So you may want to do a little work on your research in some of these areas....

[Jg81]

Jg81, what is hooking up a ton of times?

 

Who was the first to bring up going solo, Ben, you, or

your husband?

 

When doing that ton of hook ups with Ben did your husband

know the amount of times that you were hooking up?

 

It was my husbands idea to start playing solo. He knew how often it happened and I told him each time either before, after, or during.

[GoldenR]

It was my husbands idea to start playing solo. He knew how often it happened and I told him each time either before, after, or during.

 

During?