Am I being played?

[Neo81]

Well....

 

1. Try not to walk into traffic.

 

2. I have no idea... I know what the right thing to do is.. and that's walk away.

 

I'm just hurt right now.. my mind is clouded and I'm not thinking straight. The sad part is, I get what she's saying about leaving right before Christmas.. I was stating that all along as to why she should leave way before that. It was the primary reason for me stating that. I asked her why she lied and if she doesn't plan on leaving him then why lead me on. Her response was that she knows she can't stay with him, that it's not going to work out. She doesn't know when she's going to leave but she knows it has to be soon.

 

More stringing along tactics I would assume right? Can't give me a timeline... only soon.. it was soon, 2 months ago.

[CantTakeMySmile]

How about not seeing or talking to her until she leaves? That way, if she doesn't then you will have a jump start on recovering?

[S2B]

I haven't seen you post anything that firmly states she is leaving him.

[Neo81]

So we just had lunch together as I wanted to talk aka she has some explaining to do. Basically, the Christmas time frame was just a terrible idea because of dealing with all the friends and family. She asked how I would feel if my wife left with my child right before Christmas and fair enough. She told me she doesn't want to be with him and that she doesn't want to work things out with him. She told me that it wouldn't be long after Christmas at which point I stated that wasn't good enough. She said a couple weeks after Christmas. She's still struggling with how to bring it up to him but I told her it's simple.. It's not working out and you guys are done. We'll see how it goes.

 

In the meantime, I think this 180 stuff is a good path to take. I put her as the center of my world and it consumed me. I have to take a step back and start focusing on myself now. If she leaves him, great.. if not, well then I have to take it as I'm better off. It hurts to say that but it would be the truth at that point.

[Space Ritual]

Yeah, and I'm sure her bad decision making comes from her age ( She's 28 and I'm 36) so there is definitely a difference in that respect.

 

You mean as compared to your good decision making?:lmao::lmao:

[Space Ritual]

Well... just confirmed... I pointed out how close we are to Christmas and the response I get is...

 

"I know how close to Christmas it is, just seems really cruel to leave someone right before Christmas"

 

So yeah, I knew it... All the promises, guarantees, etc... don't mean a damn thing. I'm the biggest idiot there is right now.

 

I hope you take the lesson that "you don't crap where you eat" to heart in the future.

 

So basically what you have right now is a big headache and no relationship. She'll continue to hem and haw as long as you alow this.

 

You probably need to be looking for another job. The natural progression to this is that you will get mad at her stonewalling, and she will tell someone you are harassing her...because you only followed the script she wrote up to the commercial break for station identification.

 

 

Dude, it does not take an Einstein to know that this road was littered with broken glass before you took your first step down it.

 

It's one thing to mess about with someone outside of work..totally another to mess around with someone you work with or for. Drama like this usually leads to someone getting fired. Don't let it be you. If you don't think she won't spill the beans to Baby Daddy or HR if she feels like she has no other options that won't blow up in her face, I have Oceanfront Condos in Wichita ready for your purchase.

 

Do yourself a favor and look for a new job now before you are forced to

[Space Ritual]

She's still struggling with how to bring it up to him but I told her it's simple.. It's not working out and you guys are done. We'll see how it goes.

 

 

Yes because newly dumped baby daddys always just step aside and say "You know what You are right...it isn't working out and please feel free to have your new boyfriend aid in raising my child while I just open my wallet and give you money. And be sure to thank Neo for aiding in breaking up this family as i hold no grudge...it was so what I wanted out of all of this "

 

Happens every time....

 

 

You are out to lunch, buddy.

[Neo81]

I would tend to agree except that she no longer works with me.. she got another job about a month ago (that was part of what she wanted to happen before she felt comfortable about leaving).

 

At this point.. I need to focus on myself and take the focus off of her. I know I need to do this. The fact that I can say that and I'm not down and out like I was previously is a huge step for me. I haven't had this much clarity since all this BS started. I do have you guys/gals to thank for a lot of that.

[S2B]

Notice how she keeps being vague? She also keeps moving the move out date.

 

Why not end all communication with her until after she moves out of his place?

[elaine567]

You divorced your wife after 14 years and essentially grabbed onto the first woman who gave you any attention.

Such a bad idea.

Even if she leaves, you have saddled yourself with a woman who was willing to cheat.

AND, a child and its father who may hate you for life for what you have done to their family.

YOU need to do some serious thinking here about what you are getting into.

Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that she is hesitating.

[Space Ritual]

YOU need to do some serious thinking here about what you are getting into.

Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that she is hesitating.

 

An EXCELLENT point...and one many of us are trying to get OP to wrap his head around.

 

 

OP,

 

I know we come off as snarky but we are trying to get you to see the light and understand that the risk/reward benefit is tilted n the direction of the former, and will be for the duration of your interactions with this woman.

 

 

I'm just going to say what we all are trying to tel you.

 

Nothing about pursuing any relationship with this woman is a good idea, for you or for anyone else. You are being used...USED. And in the end you are going to end up alone anyway. She is Never going to make a clean break with this guy because they have a kid together.

 

You are going to end up alone, and maybe worse. i am fairly certain she is not being honest with you by any stretch of the imagination. She keeps changing disclosure dates because she has no intention of ever telling this guy it's over.

 

Had she any real intention, she'd have already done it.

 

See there is a vast difference between men and women in this position. Guys will hem and haw and debate it in their minds about pulling the plug and usually hedge their bets either way so they come out with the least amount of fallout..

 

When a woman is done with somebody...she is done and that is just the way it is. No debate or second guessing. They are usually pretty resolute in this regard.

 

You are not coming out of this with anything but a ton of regret for ever starting it in the first place. would venture to guess that many of the OM/OW that inhabit this subforum would advise you to not throw caution to the wind in this way.

 

 

She isn't done with her man and she wont be anytime soon.

 

I don't relish any of this. I am simply attempting to get through to you that the current avenue you are going down is going to end up with you going over a cliff for nothing.

[Neo81]

Well, any woman I meet after coming out of a marriage is going to be a "rebound" then right? I mean, yeah, the timing isn't ideal whatsoever.

 

It could be a blessing.. sure. These are things that I have to consider over the next few weeks here too.

 

As for her pushing the date back and being vague.. I 100% agree there. Not a fan. Probably the biggest red flag there is right now. If I agree to wait one more time.. this would be the last and it takes a lot for me to say that but I can't keep doing this. I told her that I wouldn't wait anymore after this too so she knows this is it for me as well.

[Neo81]

An EXCELLENT point...and one many of us are trying to get OP to wrap his head around.

 

 

OP,

 

I know we come off as snarky but we are trying to get you to see the light and understand that the risk/reward benefit is tilted n the direction of the former, and will be for the duration of your interactions with this woman.

 

 

I'm just going to say what we all are trying to tel you.

 

Nothing about pursuing any relationship with this woman is a good idea, for you or for anyone else. You are being used...USED. And in the end you are going to end up alone anyway. She is Never going to make a clean break with this guy because they have a kid together.

 

You are going to end up alone, and maybe worse. i am fairly certain she is not being honest with you by any stretch of the imagination. She keeps changing disclosure dates because she has no intention of ever telling this guy it's over.

 

Had she any real intention, she'd have already done it.

 

See there is a vast difference between men and women in this position. Guys will hem and haw and debate it in their minds about pulling the plug and usually hedge their bets either way so they come out with the least amount of fallout..

 

When a woman is done with somebody...she is done and that is just the way it is. No debate or second guessing. They are usually pretty resolute in this regard.

 

You are not coming out of this with anything but a ton of regret for ever starting it in the first place. would venture to guess that many of the OM/OW that inhabit this subforum would advise you to not throw caution to the wind in this way.

 

 

She isn't done with her man and she wont be anytime soon.

 

I don't relish any of this. I am simply attempting to get through to you that the current avenue you are going down is going to end up with you going over a cliff for nothing.

 

 

I know you or any of other posters are not trying to be rude, degrading, or whatever.. I know you are all purely trying to help and I really do appreciate that.

 

I am starting to see the light now.. there are only so many times I can get hurt before I do call it quits. I'm losing faith that it will happen even now. I haven't found the strength or the common sense to walk away completely yet which could spell disaster for me in the end. If so, I have nobody to blame but myself at that point.

 

Again.. I have a lot of consideration to do now. I am not discrediting what I am being told on this forum (or what I've read in other stories and I've read a lot). I just need to, like you said, see clearly here. It's coming but my feelings are still in play too and they are obviously working against me to some degree here.

[Neo81]

Update...

 

So a lot has happened since I last posted. None of this is going to come to any of you as a surprise.

 

So after Christmas, we were on track for her to wait a few weeks and then leave. Well.... as you would of guessed, she broke down and told me she isn't strong enough to leave him. She knows she doesn't want to be with him but said she has to leave on her own terms. She doesn't want to commit to time frames any more and that she needs time and space to figure it out.

 

I won't go on about this. Interesting enough, a few more days go by and she's back to talking about how we are going to be together and I just need to be strong for a bit longer. At this point, I doubt she is serious about any of this. I got taken for a ride. I confronted her on all of this and she insists her feelings for me are real and that we are going to be together.

 

I have spent the last few days accepting the truth of the matter and that it will most likely never happen at this point. That being said, everyone here was telling me this all along anyway. It hurts pretty bad and I'm struggling to accept what I need to but I know that I have to focus on myself and move forward. I haven't gone NC yet but I am working up the strength to do so.

[Poppy47]

Dear Neo,

It's so good to read that you are waking up.

 

You can finally see that this woman is not up to leaving her husband and will keep you dangling, wasting your precious life.

 

It's the New Year... no time like that present to go NC.

 

POppy.

[S2B]

Given the update - did you end it completely?

 

Why does she get to keep moving the date and you have to keep waiting? When anyone REALLY, REALLY wants to be with you - NOTHING gets in the way!

 

She got her H and she's got you - there's no reason she needs to change anything... she's showing just how selfish she is and she expects you to be short changed.

 

 

When does your nightmare end? When YOU end it!

[Dreamwalker17]

So Neo, we here at LS would like to know. what are you going to do with all this newfound information.

 

In other words, when you are finally going to kick this terrible selfish woman to the curb and start living your one and only life? We are rooting for you here. Hurry up, 2018 has started. it's already Jan 4, no time like now as Poppy said!

 

Love, D.

[Neo81]

So last night was pretty much it. She got emotional on me and basically said I'm better off without her, that she doesn't know who she is anymore, she doesn't know what to do, and she hates her life and walks around being miserable every day. Whether she's pushing me away or not, it's obvious she has issues. As much as I care for her, I have to care for myself more and it's hard to picture a future with someone with these kinds of issues.

 

To answer the question of why I waited and waited.. I love her. Love can make people do stupid things and this is one of them. Combine that with low self esteem and wanting companionship, I kept fooling myself into believing she was serious. She even told me yesterday during the day that she was still serious about us and that she's working on making it happen but she needs to be 100% ready and blah blah blah.. then last night hits and she's all over the place (alcohol involved). Still, I think it's pretty clear she isn't going to leave him. Does she want to? I think she does actually but lacks the strength to do anything about it. Doesn't matter at this point. I have to start focusing on myself and getting myself back on track. This is the first day of NC, I hope I can stay strong and avoid contacting her. I'm curious if she is going to reach out to me in a day or so but not with the hopes she's going to come running back, but merely she doesn't want to be without me. Sounds dumb but it's kind of a confidence boost knowing that I don't need her while she still tries to contact me.

 

One thing I will say that has helped as of late is motivational videos on youtube. I can't stress enough how impacting some of those can be. Some will make you cry but it's good to get it out and come back 10 times stronger.

 

Thanks for all the support and honesty I've received. Truly, I'm not upset at anything anyone here has said. I'll keep everyone posted with my progress.. I think I got this but it's tough cutting off contact from someone you love.

[FMW]

I think I got this but it's tough cutting off contact from someone you love.

 

Don't we know it!

[Dreamwalker17]

Ok, you love her, we get it.

 

But she doesn't love you back.

 

That's pretty much sums it up, don' t make it too complicated, stop listening to her BS excuses, rebuild your self esteem and move forward.

Please stop wasting your time, she is just so not worth it.

 

Best wishes, D.