Am I being played?

[Dreamwalker17]

So how many years of your life you are willing to waste on all of this?

She didn’t leave in October, didn’t leave in November, won’t leave in December (and made you at fault).

 

Yes, you’re bring played by this heartless calculating woman.

She doesn’t love either you or her partner, thats why she can’t leave either of you alone - neither one fully meets her needs, whatever they are.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and walk away.

There is nothing to save here.

Break it off and live your life.

When she is free and available, she knows where to find you.

[MJJean]

I'm really feeling for you, so I want to tell you where I'm coming from in hopes I can get through to you.

 

I was young, in a bad marriage, and had two kids (6 and 1 year old), with no education and no job skills. I met a man, fell in love, and left my marriage within 12 weeks. I told my exH that I was divorcing him, we came to an agreement on sharing custody, I filed the papers, we went to one court date where the divorce was finalized and the custody agreement formalized, and it was done. A few weeks after the divorce was final, I married the man I love. Today marks 15 years since we married and 18 years since we became a couple.

 

If she wanted to leave her relationship and be with you, she would. What she's doing is called future faking.

[Ronnie33]

I was a MW when I met my EXAP at work. We became friends, and during that time his ex of 5 years left him for another man. He was a mess, emotionally. My marriage was in bad shape and we went from friends to confiding in eachother to emotional affair. My son was 5 at the time. My EXAP wanted to be with me and I did love him, but I was scared to break up my family, take my son away from him home, share custody. My husband wasn't abusive or a bad man, I loved him, we just weren't good together. I didn't want to hurt him either.

 

So I stayed, and he met someone else and eventually married her. Our affair continued the whole time.

 

I left my husband two years later, he was already engaged to her. I don't regret leaving my marriage. I left for me, not him. Now he's married and I'm divorced and he still wants to continue on. We haven't spoken in a few weeks because I told him I can't do this anymore. I want to see other people and date. I'm so over the mental exhaustion of this affair.

 

My point is this, she may love you, but she isn't ready to leave. She will keep prolonging it as long as you wait around. She wasn't going to leave the beginning of he year. She used your behavior as an excuse to push it back again.

 

You need to let her go and move on. You need to heal yourself. You left one relationship and when right into the next because you are scared to be alone.

 

You don't want to meet someone else, care for them, but still be in love with her.

 

Move on, love is great but without action it's just words

[BaileyB]

The anxiety that you are feeling is your mind and your body trying to tell you that this is wrong, wrong, wrong... It is a warning, heed the warning.

 

Continuing on this path will only cause you more anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and pain. She is simply not ready to leave her relationship.

 

When somebody shows you who they really are or tells you that they are not ready for a relationship... it is important to believe them. If you chose not to acknowledge the reality of the situation, you do so at your own peril.

[Poppy47]

If she hasn't left by now, it isn't going to happen.

 

I am told it happens fairly quickly if it is an exit affair.

 

Poppy.

[S2B]

She's no good.

 

You should have some self pride and end it for good - that way you could date an available gal with integrity.

 

IF and when she leaves she needs to support herself and her child! That's her first priority as a Mom.

 

Looks like she's an opportunist - needing to make sure she lines up another man to support her and provide her a home so she can use him - don't let that be you!

 

She had a deadline! You keep being her doormat - you keep moving the deadline for her bad behavior. Stop that!

 

She isn't a good catch. She's a liar and a cheater!

 

I know you're lonely but she isn't a good choice.

 

End it today. That way YOU take charge of YOUR life and your future instead of depending on a flaky woman who can't support herself and looks for men to provide FOR her. She's a user and has now stolen months of your life by lying to you and her child's father.

 

None of what you describe about her is appealing. Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean they do - sometimes it just means that they look to see if their life will be easier with you around.

 

Love doesn't look like this. Love is someone who hands you peace of mind and honesty/integrity on a silver platter.

 

You got caught up in her drama.

 

End it. In the long run you'll save yourself years of heartache.

[S2B]

Short answer is yes - you've been played.

 

You had a deadline. She didn't meet the guideline - so she eliminated herself.

 

Stop trying to change her answer. She answered at the end of Oct. continuing to "wait" has made you look weak and desperate.

[elaine567]

If she hasn't left by now, it isn't going to happen.

 

I am told it happens fairly quickly if it is an exit affair.

 

Poppy.

Of course it does .

The drowning woman grabs onto the first life boat that shows up, she cannot afford to be picky and refuse its help.

She wants out of the water ASAP.

 

This woman is not desperate to leave, she is a cake eater.

She has the safety and security of her LTR, and a lover on the side.

Win win.

[Neo81]

Thank you everyone for your input on this. A lot of what was said is very eye opening and while it's not what I want to hear.. I won't deny that it's probably what I need to hear.

 

I talked with her the other night and she told me she was still sticking to the Christmas time frame. At that point, I thought ok.. let's see what happens. Today she texted me stating that she can't wait to be with me and that she does believe we will be happy together. Later in the evening she texts me stating she was having a bad day because everything is catching up to her (the reality of the situation). I know she is scared to leave because it's so life changing. I don't doubt that we could really make this work if we wanted to. The problem is her getting past this fear and actually leaving.

 

That all being said... I still hear what everyone is saying. I have to be able to draw the line and stick to it. I've never dealt with anything like this in my life before and usually when I'm in love with someone, I'm pretty committed. The more I talk to people and get their viewpoints, the easier this becomes for me to process. I wish I could say I am strong enough to just walk away. What I can say, is that I have come a long way because of the previous deadlines not being met. Every time I get hurt, it becomes that much easier to realize, perhaps this isn't going to happen or this isn't a good fit.

 

It doesn't help that I have two friends in my life who are happily married and both situations are pretty much the same as mine (meaning they met when the woman was in another relationship). I get a different perspective from them because they believe it can work, it just depends on the circumstances. I'm told it's perfectly normal for her to be scared and that this is a major life changing event. I should be understanding of that and I am.. the question I always pondered was for how long?

 

I'll continue to think about these things but we can all agree on one thing.. I won't stick around and just deal with this forever. In fact, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last because of the anxiety and deep feelings involved. Either way, I'll continue to update. Again, I appreciate the input.. I truly do.

[S2B]

What action is she taking to be ready to leave?

 

Has she packed her stuff? Rented an apartment? Gotten a full time job?

 

You do NOT want her moving in with you. She needs to be independent - stand on her own.

 

IF she's not getting everything lined up now to exit - she's not leaving at all.

 

Why don't YOU be the one to call the shots? Why don't YOU tell her it's over since she's not honoring what she said (end of Oct).

 

There's NEVER the RIGHT time to leave - the only time is NOW after that decision has been decided upon.

 

Take charge and tell her now - or never. Waiting only means she's not doing it and wasting your time.

[Neo81]

The only actions that I have to go on is that she did get a full time job in her field and got a car in just her name (her last vehicle was in her bf's company name). These were two things that she wanted to happen before she felt comfortable about leaving. That was a month ago.

 

It's obvious that I am struggling with the concept of walking away even though I agree with a lot of points that were made. I would prefer that she just be honest with me and tell me she isn't going to leave but then again, she doesn't want to leave me either so why tell me that. I did look up "future faking/talk" to learn more about it and yes, it's very possible that is exactly what is happening here. Eventually, I will need to confront this. I just don't know what it's going to take to push me to make the move yet. I know it sounds pathetic.. I'm trying my best to get my head back on straight here. Again, I appreciate the input.

[S2B]

Were you this passive in your marriage?

[Neo81]

Yes, to some degree I was. My wife and I got along very well. She treated me well but there were many aspects of the marriage that were gone. Neither of us are terrible people in that we treated each other poorly.. we just grew apart and essentially lived together as friends at the end. I'm told this is similar in her situation as well. Again, who knows what the truth is there but all I have to go on is what she tells me.

 

I think I sold myself on this fantasy that we would end up together and once the reality starts to set in that I may have been wrong, I start to panic. I put a lot of energy into this stupid affair thinking that we were going to be together. There's still a chance that it could happen but unfortunately, chances are better that what everyone is telling me is actually the case.

[S2B]

Got it.

 

You do realize that you odds of her leaving may be greater if you start being demanding, have a firm deadline and stick to that, right?

[elaine567]

 

I talked with her the other night and she told me she was still sticking to the Christmas time frame.

 

She is going to leave her bf and father of her child at Christmas time??????

Happy Holidays for years to come...

[Neo81]

I agree that the timeline is poor in regards to timing. Let's be honest though... it's probably not going to happen. I tried saying numerous times, lets do this weeks in advance to give everyone time to cool down before the holidays.

 

As for being demanding and pushing a deadline.. I've been trying to do that. I just get the same push back with her saying "this isn't easy", "her whole life is going to change and she's just trying to process everything", "I had way more time to consider leaving my wife", and to an extent, I understand these concerns. What I don't understand is why lead me on then to believe that it's going to happen if its not.

 

This week is going to be very telling as far as how this is going to go down. I asked her not to push it past this coming weekend because the following weekend is literally days before Christmas.

 

I guess I don't know how to set a deadline with an ultimatum without coming off sounding like a jerk. More importantly, I need to figure out how to get myself into a mind state where I can stick to it. The funny part (and it's not really funny) is that I understand she is dealing with one of the hardest decisions she's faced in her life but so am I just in a different way.

[Dreamwalker17]

She is being much bigger jerk by keeping you around like this.

Why would she change anything if she doesn't have to?

Looks like you're going to stick around regardless.

 

If you are serious about her, end it. Walk away. She needs to see her life the way it is WITHOUT you in it. This is the only way it will ever work. Right now she can't choose because she doesn't really have to.

 

Walk away and don't look back. Women respect decisive strong men. By passively sitting there and helplessly waiting, you're showing weakness that is not attractive to most women, especially when they have to choose between two men.

 

Good luck. If she really loves you, she'll come for you. If she won't, why would you want a women like this by your side?

[Neo81]

Fair point... I do see the logic there.

 

As far as why would I want someone like that? Well, once the realization sets in and I know for certain that she's been lying to me and there was no real intention of us being together then the answer is simple.. I wouldn't.

 

I'm just trying to get answers to know one way or the other. I've given her so many chances to just be honest with me and she constantly says the same thing.. yes, we'll be together, I can't be without you at this point, etc...

 

She's going to hurt one of us, I just want to know which one it is going to be. If it's me, then fine.. just tell me so I can move on with my life. Otherwise, If I do walk now.. I'll probably be tormented by wondering if she was serious and I screwed up.

[Dreamwalker17]

Fair point... I do see the logic there.

 

As far as why would I want someone like that? Well, once the realization sets in and I know for certain that she's been lying to me and there was no real intention of us being together then the answer is simple.. I wouldn't.

 

I'm just trying to get answers to know one way or the other. I've given her so many chances to just be honest with me and she constantly says the same thing.. yes, we'll be together, I can't be without you at this point, etc...

 

She's going to hurt one of us, I just want to know which one it is going to be. If it's me, then fine.. just tell me so I can move on with my life. Otherwise, If I do walk now.. I'll probably be tormented by wondering if she was serious and I screwed up.

 

Screwed up what? The torture you are living in?

This is repeated over and over on these boards - you can't base your life on someone else's decisions.

Make a decision by yourself, for yourself. It's your life, you're the captain of your own ship, you got to decide which way to go.

Draw a firm line. She can do whatever she wants to do.

You move on, and tell her to find you when she is ready to have a relationship with you.

Go to infidelity board and read about 180. This is what you need.

Just stop this please, if she is serious, she knows what to do.

[Neo81]

I appreciate the input. I did look into the "180" as you stated and you're right.. that is exactly what I NEED to do to get over this whole thing.

 

I think what I'm going to do is give it another week or two here and see if she sticks to the time frame she said she would. I think we all know the answer here but after as much as she promised, guaranteed me, swore to me, etc. it's enough to push me to do what I need to do.

 

Today, I even pointed out to her again that I had given her so many chances to be honest with me and that not following through is really going to hurt. She didn't really respond to any of that so I left it at that. It's only another 2 weeks and I need that time to mentally coach myself into what I need to do. I've failed miserably in that department thus far but I won't lie, the feedback I have received on here does help. I'm probably further along than I ever have been so there's hope I can pull myself out of this without too much pain.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Where is the info on 180? I couldn't find it here.

[Neo81]

I just went to google and typed in "infidelity 180" and started looking at the various results...

 

Basically, it can be taken 2 ways...

 

1. Whatever you are doing, do the opposite (hence the 180)

 

2. This is the original explanation - Stop focusing on the other person, start focusing on yourself. By doing this, you soften the blow of a failing marriage, failed affair, etc. because you have given yourself the strength, self-esteem, and protection from the inevitable pain that will follow these situations.

 

*There is a potential side benefit to this in that when you start to focus on yourself and show the other person that they cannot control you, harm you, etc. that they may change their ways or come back to you. It's not guaranteed but can be a fortunate side effect if that's what you want. This is not the primary reason for a 180 though.

 

I can appreciate what it's saying.. and once I have to walk away from my situation, I plan on using that as a guideline to follow. I highly doubt it will be that easy but I have to try.

Edited December 12, 2017 by Neo81

[Neo81]

Well... just confirmed... I pointed out how close we are to Christmas and the response I get is...

 

"I know how close to Christmas it is, just seems really cruel to leave someone right before Christmas"

 

So yeah, I knew it... All the promises, guarantees, etc... don't mean a damn thing. I'm the biggest idiot there is right now.

[elaine567]

Well... just confirmed... I pointed out how close we are to Christmas and the response I get is...

 

"I know how close to Christmas it is, just seems really cruel to leave someone right before Christmas"

 

So yeah, I knew it... All the promises, guarantees, etc... don't mean a damn thing. I'm the biggest idiot there is right now.

 

YOU are not alone, read some of the stories posted by OW on this part of the forum.

All the "love" in the world proclaimed and future faking in abundance, but when the chips are down, their MM chooses the wife/gf, their kids. their lifestyle, their friends, their house, their pets, their neighbourhood...

 

Here, she has too much to lose by running to you, but she doesn't want to lose you either hence the stringing along.

 

Please stay away from her, because so many OWs here have wasted huge chunks of their life in the hope that somehow the MM can be persuaded to leave, that somehow they will get that happy ending, despite him choosing the wife over and over again... Do not do that to yourself.

[CantTakeMySmile]

What are you going to do now?