Guy won't kiss until exclusive. Flag or what?

[lana-banana]

but I made it clear to the guy it was completely over with my ex.. which is true.. he'd die a gruesome death before he'd take me back...

 

Your word choice is telling. Things are completely over because HE won't take YOU back, not the other way around. You aren't remotely over him and I'm sure everyone you date knows it. It's not a coincidence that the only men who have pursued you lately have severe, obvious self-esteem issues. Why do you think all the good ones walked away?

 

On a more general note, there are a million reasons why people suddenly lose interest in the first few months. Sometimes you say or do something that's a deal breaker for the other person, someone else interests them more, and so on. That's perfectly normal. The key is when you sense someone is trying to shake you loose, let them go immediately. There are few things less dignified than becoming a stage-5 clinger before you've even been boyfriend and girlfriend. When someone wants to date you, you'll know.

[Cookiesandough]

No mu ex and I are done. There is nothing more there. With our history, it cannot be. I have accepted it and it has been several months so I feel like I should not have to wait forever alone. What do you mean Clinger? Have I acted clingy? My ex and I dated for like a year and I have not even dated anymore else more than a few dates so I wouldn't know. I've never had anyone lose interest in dating me. And I feel like I don't have problems letting go just my ex because it was a year and a semi serious relationship and I thought I acted badly throughout it and broke up with him 2x

 

But he eventually got fed up with me and it's understandable. He is still my first experiences and I will love him forever probably

Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

Ok but being exclusive is not "for life", there are no initiation ceremonies to pass, no fee to pay, no certificate to sign, no contract to draw up...

If he turns out to not be a good kisser then it is easy enough to just say "Sorry, no chemistry" or "We are not compatible" and break up.

Exclusivity is just the first rung on a very long ladder...

Why wait......seriously why spend time investing in someone, only to find out they are a terrible kisser. Not for me. Get in get out fast, move onto the next one.

[Gaeta]

I have accepted it and it has been several months so I feel like I should not have to wait forever alone.

 

How do you explain your impulsive need to talk about your ex? and even worse the need to SHOW who he is your dates? Why in the world would you want to show your ex to a man that is taking you out on a date? It's a real question.

[Miss Peach]

I hadn't run into that one but I did date a guy who didn't want to kiss in public so the first kiss wasn't until he made me dinner at his house several dates in.

 

Kissing is a great way for me to confirm chemistry so that would be hard for me personally. Usually if the kissing is good, the sex is at least acceptable.

[No_Go]

How long has it been since your break up with your ex? Remember break up is never a one and done decision, you are in break up *process* for a long time until the things deconvolute. For one year relationship the minimum sanitary break is 6 months before you even joke about dating other people.

 

This can actually explain a lot about what you've been through recently...

 

No mu ex and I are done. There is nothing more there. With our history, it cannot be. I have accepted it and it has been several months so I feel like I should not have to wait forever alone. What do you mean Clinger? Have I acted clingy? My ex and I dated for like a year and I have not even dated anymore else more than a few dates so I wouldn't know. I've never had anyone lose interest in dating me. And I feel like I don't have problems letting go just my ex because it was a year and a semi serious relationship and I thought I acted badly throughout it and broke up with him 2x

 

But he eventually got fed up with me and it's understandable. He is still my first experiences and I will love him forever probably

[SevenCity]

No mu ex and I are done. There is nothing more there. With our history, it cannot be. I have accepted it and it has been several months so I feel like I should not have to wait forever alone. What do you mean Clinger? Have I acted clingy? My ex and I dated for like a year and I have not even dated anymore else more than a few dates so I wouldn't know. I've never had anyone lose interest in dating me. And I feel like I don't have problems letting go just my ex because it was a year and a semi serious relationship and I thought I acted badly throughout it and broke up with him 2x

 

But he eventually got fed up with me and it's understandable. He is still my first experiences and I will love him forever probably

 

You're confusing not wanting to get back with your ex as being over him. It's two different things.

 

Showing pics and talking about the past are positive signs you are not over the RL and a good way to turn off any potential suitors.

 

The last girl I dated wouldn't take her ex back in a million years (so she said) but she was in no way over the trauma.

 

As geata said you are in no place to be dating and are wasting these guys time. Get yourself right first and become whole, only then can you have a healthy relationship.

 

The problem with being a woman is you have an endless supply of men so figure it's something wrong with them and move onto the next. Any guy who would get serious with you now has severe issues himself.

[Cookiesandough]

I take that back. There was one man who said that he needed to Re-consider dating me because of my behavior after a month or so dating. I didn't act normal... but I let him go... I do not hang around when I am not wanted. He did come back around and we dated until I blocked him and got back with my ex. We broke up.Then my ex got a new girl, but still flirted with me and it made me really angry. (He later told me they were not together) They eventually "broke up" and we started dating again for the last time. The last time was end of may. But it had already been dead for so long, it was a mutual split I think.

 

It's my very recent past. I feel like the guy might want to know my history and my relationships. I only really had one serious relationship and not counting a high school BF and a 2 day thing recently , so I thought that they would like to know that

 

Anyway, thank you all so much for your insight. I'm not over it I guess. I thought dating would help. I would meet someone who could change my mind.

Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

He did come back around and we dated until I blocked him and got back with my ex. We broke up.Then my ex got a new girl, but still flirted with me and it made me really angry. (He later told me they were not together) They eventually "broke up" and we started dating again for the last time. The last time was end of may.

 

If you told that story to your date for sure he thought he's just the guy you're dating till the ex comes back again.

 

You've dated this man on and off for 1 year. Apparently he meant a lot for you to go back to him. You broke up last time only 3-4 months ago. Give yourself and your heart a break. Maybe you don't have feelings anymore for him BUT you still harbor resentment and bitterness that you need to move on from as well.

 

No, do not expect another man to make you forget about the ex. It's unfair to the person you're dating. You are looking to find someone to *use* till for bitterness and the pain to subside. Again, wrong plan. Wrong plan for the man and wrong plan for yourself.

[Cookiesandough]

What's weird is that maybe this is a case of guy losing interest in dating me why text and wanna go to eat and gym together...?? I guess this is what FRiendzone looks like. It's not that bad I guess. Would it be wrong to continue with whatever this is?

Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[olivetree]

What's weird is that maybe this is a case of guy losing interest in dating me why text and wanna go to eat and gym together...?? I guess this is what FRiendzone looks like. It's not that bad I guess. Would it be wrong to continue with whatever this is?

 

Not many people here thought he is losing interest in you cookies.

Read the posts again

[Cookiesandough]

Its so hard to be completely alone not dating anyone at all but I will take your advice for awhile Gaeta since I seem to not be having luck and just seeing a bunch of guys with no aim in mind is really exhausting. I am setting myself to hurt myself and others and if you can believe it, after only a 2-4 dates I've already done that to a couple guys.

 

 

I've seen so many different guys for coffee this past month it's ridiculous. I think you said it took you like 200 to find your bf. I've met about 20 last two months, before that, only dated like 5 guys for an entire year. I liked them all really quickly but more as a distraction.

 

Like I said it will be extremely hard because I'm kind of addicted to meeting new people and learning about them. I "fall in love" with each of them a little since it gives me a feeling of romantic companionship for an hour or two. The weirder they are, the better. If that makes sense. I seriously think I am going to relapse and end up back on tinder. I just can't help it

 

 

Thank you all. I'm really sorry for this drama. I just wanted to know why this guy didn't want to kiss being 3rd great date at his house , but I guess the answer is "because he didn't want to" xD

Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[carhill]

Style mismatch flag. Glad you caught it early. I ran into a permutation of this when young and saving sexual contact for a clearly exclusive relationship or marriage. Women opined I moved too slow. Style mismatch. They were smart for moving on. Be true to yourself.

[No_Go]

What's weird is that maybe this is a case of guy losing interest in dating me why text and wanna go to eat and gym together...?? I guess this is what FRiendzone looks like. It's not that bad I guess. Would it be wrong to continue with whatever this is?

 

Of course he's interested.

 

I don't think this was even in question. He's interested but I think he's not moving forward to kissing because he's afraid you're hung up on your ex (again, imagine kissing a dude who was kissing his ex within the past week or month ... I'd feel the same as him).

[Gaeta]

Cookie we want what's best for you and we don't like seeing you torturing yourself like this. It cannot be fun (for you) to put yourself through so much self-questioning and anxiety. Stop the wheel from spinning.

 

You need a project to keep your mind off of things whether it's sport, art, volunteer work, etc. Take classes, learn a new skill like painting, cooking, drawing, give yourself a challenge. If I were a young woman with no kids I'd be traveling! I'd join other people my age in travel-groups!

[No_Go]

You know Cookies on/off relationships are the *hardest*

to move from. You broke up with your ex again so it is not even weird to have the thoughts (even subconscious) that there will be another 'on' cycle.

Of course this is a terrible idea but we don't control our subconscious minds.

 

Healthy behavior is to give yourself a substantial break after such a turmoil. Everything else is like being desperate (I've done the insta-relationship just 2 months after a break up and it was a terrible, soul crushing 2-year long rebound relationship if I have to classify it).

 

I take that back. There was one man who said that he needed to Re-consider dating me because of my behavior after a month or so dating. I didn't act normal... but I let him go... I do not hang around when I am not wanted. He did come back around and we dated until I blocked him and got back with my ex. We broke up.Then my ex got a new girl, but still flirted with me and it made me really angry. (He later told me they were not together) They eventually "broke up" and we started dating again for the last time. The last time was end of may. But it had already been dead for so long, it was a mutual split I think.

 

It's my very recent past. I feel like the guy might want to know my history and my relationships. I only really had one serious relationship and not counting a high school BF and a 2 day thing recently , so I thought that they would like to know that

 

Anyway, thank you all so much for your insight. I'm not over it I guess. I thought dating would help. I would meet someone who could change my mind.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all. I'm really sorry for this drama. I just wanted to know why this guy didn't want to kiss being 3rd great date at his house , but I guess the answer is "because he didn't want to" xD

 

I don't mind repeating.

 

He did not kiss you because he felt turned off by all this talk and show of your ex. I would not kiss a man that just showed me a picture of his ex.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Its so hard to be completely alone not dating anyone at all but I will take your advice for awhile Gaeta.

 

Best thing you could do right now, Cookie! I've done this and it was one of the best times of my life. Totally changed me and once you get the hang of it, you're going to love it!

[normal person]

On our way to my car, he asked me when I said my ex was too touchy feely what I meant. I put my arm around his shoulder and rubbed and he laughed and asked when he started doing that. I told him on the first date and he said, " that is way too soon." I looked in his eyes and said "you think so? what about kissing?" We were alone and facing each other, standing close, so I thought I'd be kissed. He said, "Yeah, I don't believe in kissing until a couple is together. Like we're exclusive. Does that make sense? Tell me if I'm weird"

 

1). He might've taken your "my ex boyfriend was too touchy-feely" comment and ran with it, thinking "this girl hates touchy feely guys, so if I never touch her and wait a month to kiss her, she'll respect that." In which case he's trying real hard to appease you, which is weak and weird.

 

2). He might actually just be telling the truth and not want to kiss until you're exclusive (which is also weird, in my opinion). He sounds kind of uptight, if someone said that to me I'd wonder what other stuff they're so rigid about. I'd be kind of turned off.

 

I dated a girl once and we had a nice dinner the first time we met and had a great time. I knew she was very classy/conservative/traditional, but I put my face in front of hers just to test the water, and she said "I don't normally kiss on the first date." I said something clever and she conceded and we kissed very quickly. I liked that she was able to loosen up and was able to meet me in the middle. If she didn't, I'd probably think she was too square and slow for me. Everyone moves at their own pace. If you think your pace is incompatible with someone else's, it might be a problem and it might be indicative of bigger disparities between you.

 

What's weird is that maybe this is a case of guy losing interest in dating me why text and wanna go to eat and gym together...?? I guess this is what FRiendzone looks like. It's not that bad I guess. Would it be wrong to continue with whatever this is?

 

Do you want to? Assuming it's not some "friend zone" thing, if he won't even kiss before you're exclusive, is this really the kind of guy you want to date anyways? If I had to bet I'd say you'd just continue to be confused and frustrated with him. The same way that girl I mentioned above ultimately bored me to tears with her rigidity and desire to go to sleep at 10 pm every night.

[Cookiesandough]

thank you. Gaeta, even if he just showed you pics while you were looking at FB anyway and he said he was completely over it, he knows it's for the best it's done? He asked me my ex's name too. He said was asking me questions about it, so i answers but I was emphatic it's done. "I'm just trying to understand. I hope this is helpful?"

 

He said "do you think you'd get back together with him?" And I said no way. I just feel guilty about how it went.

 

@No_Go thank you for your understanding. It is so hard. The problem with my ex is that it was sort of a force dump. He made things so bad that I had to dump him. But that actually means I was the dumpee, even though I ended it. I was doing everything to keep the rship going and he did nothing , just took. But I STILL blame myself for ending it each time.

 

 

Normal person, do you think I was too pushy (clingy) when I asked "what about kissing?" Maybe I came onto strong for his type especially since I already had made the hook up comment

Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GunslingerRoland]

Like I said it will be extremely hard because I'm kind of addicted to meeting new people and learning about them. I "fall in love" with each of them a little since it gives me a feeling of romantic companionship for an hour or two. The weirder they are, the better. If that makes sense. I seriously think I am going to relapse and end up back on tinder. I just can't help it

 

You need to sign up to be the next bachelorette.

[carhill]

If you feel like kissing a guy, do that. It's the same thing men have been doing since the dawn of time. If there's something there, there is. If not, not. If not, and I've been there and done that many times in life, you'll live.

 

One tool I finally learned that helped a lot with the 'fall in love a little each time stuff' was to enjoy each interaction for what it was and accept it for what it was and when it was over it was over. I had some really good teachers in the women I dated over the decades but was stubborn. That included the kissing stuff, and touching stuff and I love you stuff. It's all in the moment, not a profession of life long companionship and fidelity.

 

Sounds like you get plenty of dates so cool, enjoy.

[Gaeta]

thank you. Gaeta, even if he just showed you pics while you were looking at FB anyway and he said he was completely over it, he knows it's for the best it's done? He asked me my ex's name too. He said was asking me questions about it, so i answers but I was emphatic it's done. "I'm just trying to understand. I hope this is helpful?"

 

I have been with my bf for 2 years.

 

He has never seen a picture of any of my exs.

 

He has not even seen a picture of my daughter's dad with whom I was 15 years.

 

This guy asked you what was his name because you were talking about him, he was just being nice and making conversation.

 

Why would you show a man your FB on a 3rd date?

[No_Go]

"

@No_Go thank you for your understanding. It is so hard. The problem with my ex is that it was sort of a force dump. He made things so bad that I had to dump him. But that actually means I was the dumpee, even though I ended it. I was doing everything to keep the rship going and he did nothing , just took. But I STILL blame myself for ending it each time.

 

Yup that's a very common tactic of 'men' that want to break up but don't have the balls to do it. You're the dumpee indeed. But that's irrelevant - the relationship deconvolution takes about the same time for the dumper and the dumpee, in contrary to the popular belief. It is mainly about breaking habits. That's why the normal reaction of people when they see name/picture of an ex is to run away: habit is not broken yet. Even if you're to start a RL with a new guy now, he'd just be your ex replacement. Sad position to be at, that's what scared your date.

[lolablue17]

Am I the only one who likes this guy?

 

A kiss is probably a very intimate meaningful act in his eyes and he doesn't do it unless he feels safe.

 

There are guys\girls who feels the same about only a kiss, others can feel the same about sex, others about intercourse, and there are people who might participate a full orgy on first date. Everyone picks their own values.