My ex is contacting my mother

[Olivia D]

It's nice that your mom loves you and wants to be protective of you...

 

But, with all due respect, you are a grown adult. It was not her relationship, and it's none of her business. She has no business getting involved in your relationship. Healthy boundaries seem to be a real issue, for you and your mother.

 

What he is trying to do is classic splitting behavior. Your mom needs to ignore him and he will go away eventually... Talking to him will only give him attention and further encourage him to continue.

 

He's involving her though. She doesn't text him or message him first. He does to her and she doesn't reply until he says something offensive about me. I need to tell her how I truly feel and she'll stop. She is just really angry and dealt with abuse herself. So, I can understand how she feels. I will tell her to not even reply and block him. She has a basic smartphone so the blocking sucks on that. She blocked him on Facebook because he friended her and his brother said he deserved better, so she chewed both of them out through private messaging and blocked them. I just think my mom is really hurt about me and is going about it in a different childish way.

[Olivia D]

Ok, I understand what everyone is saying, but my mom is a very good person and she means well. We are all we have. She never got involved before. He is involving her. She doesn't reply to any of his texts unless it's saying something offensive about me. I was wondering why he is back and forth with his emotions and why he's so wishy washy? Is it his bipolar? Or alcohlism? He went from confessing his undying love for me, to "there's no romantics feelings. She's not something I want." My mom would text him back sometimes saying "leave it be then. Stop." He would just text her nonsense. So she's really not enabling but I agree that she shouldn't want to hurt him but she's just really hurt for me. She's not a bad person and I feel she's being attacked. I understand she's not doing the right thing, but she's an exceptionally good mother though.

 

I more asked why he's going back and forth, and of it was his mental illness. Thank you for the replies. I appreciate it.

[BaileyB]

He's involving her though. She doesn't text him or message him first. He does to her and she doesn't reply until he says something offensive about me. I need to tell her how I truly feel and she'll stop. She is just really angry and dealt with abuse herself. So, I can understand how she feels. I will tell her to not even reply and block him. She has a basic smartphone so the blocking sucks on that. She blocked him on Facebook because he friended her and his brother said he deserved better, so she chewed both of them out through private messaging and blocked them. I just think my mom is really hurt about me and is going about it in a different childish way.

 

It doesn't matter if he's contacting her. She can still chose not to reply. He will eventually go away and you can move on with your life.

 

With all due respect, it doesn't matter if it is his mental illness or his alcohol addiction. The reason why people are not answering that question is because it doesn't really matter. Who knows what is going on with him - his behavior is likely influenced by both. What you have is a man who has serious personal issues, does not have healthy coping strategies, does not respect boundaries, and is potentially unpredictable and presents a safety risk. Rather than trying to understand him, you should be very glad to be done with him. Move on.

Edited September 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

You and your mom need to block him.

 

You are not together anymore and it's not important the sh%t he might have to say about you even if it's not true. You really have energy to fight him back on false things he says about you? You and your mom are really gonna put energy into reasoning a drunk and mentally ill man? He is harassing you and her because you are listening and replying. Block him.

 

When I left my ex-husband and family started reporting to me that he had said this and that I told everyone to shut up! I wanted no part in it. I was not interested into knowing what an ex had to say about me and I was not gonna put any energy into telling people they were lies. People knew me and could make their own decision if they wanted to believe his lies or not.

 

This is all wasted energy.

[kendahke]

I agree, but my mom is very passionate about how I feel. She goes to a whole different level when someone really hurts me. She's the type that won't call you names, but she'll be passive aggressive and be stand offish. She'll rub things in his face because he's trying to rub things in my face, so she acts very clever in her responses that sound "nice", but they are actually sarcastic and mean if you are smart. She is so emotionally driven..

 

All of that is immature and called "stirring the pot", unnecessarily I might add, and one day, she's going to mess with the wrong person who's not going to have a whole lot of dambs left to give when he comes to eff her up.

 

From what you've said this ex of yours has said and how quickly he can flip, which left you confused on who it is exactly that you're dealing with, he could be that one, since he knows where your mom lives, has her phone number...

 

Like I said, she needs to grow up and leave him alone. If she doesn't know when to stop, someone is going to show her how.

[Olivia D]

It was pretty clear to my ex that if he got help for his alcohol addiction, I would be by his side and help him. He essentially chose alcohol over me because he tried so many compromises I wasn't willing to risk because I risked it before. Then, he was saying "I have a nice job. I can't lose my job for rehab." I said "Well, then you made your choice. I can't be in your life." He still would try to call me, and I found out even him drunk, and pleading with me to take him back, he added this bartender on Facebook he had interest in. I told him out of anger I was moving on and dating other guys because I was so frustrated with the deceit.

 

We are single, but my attitude is this. If you are going to beg for ex back don't hit up girls or guys in the meantime. If you want to screw around with other people then leave your ex alone entirely. Don't contact your ex and do your own thing because it's hurtful. Especially if I am the one not going out with guys and heartbroken to death over a breakup I really forced myself out of. I told him to stop contacting me. He didn't stop. My mother blocked him because he was contacting her so much.

 

He texted her from a different number and said out of the blue. "I met a gorgeous girl last night. I am moving on. Tell your daughter to do the same." Then he said "I am not going to look like a fool, she's dating guys, then I am going to date girls." My mother didn't reply, then like an hour later he says "Off to Alexandra's. See ya." My mom blocked his new number or whatever it is. He contacted me through this number shoving this girl Alexandra in my face. Saying "Her family is normal unlike yours. Alexandra is hot and beautiful. She is so polite. I am deleting you from my memory and my past. You are nothing to me." I didn't respond and HAVE NOT responded at all to him. He lives with my mom's friend. Yeah, she hooked him up with a room mate when he was sober. She was talking to his room mate/ my mom's friend, and he got on his home phone and said. "I am moving on. Your daughter is a thing in the past. I am glad this toxic relationship ended." My mom got mad because she can't even talk to her friend without him intervening, so she hung up.

 

Then he texts me saying "I left Alexandra's she wanted sex but when I looked in her eyes all I wanted was you and saw you. I know I can never have you again, so that's why I drink and numb myself because I go crazy sober thinking about you. No matter what you think of me I will always love you. I love you too much. I haven't even kissed another girl." I didn't respond. He then sent me some quote about how I am his soulmate?

 

He hasn't contacted me luckily, but is he really moving on? It kinda upsets me because I am not fully moved on and he keeps flip flopping. The room mate told my mom that he is really depressed and unhappy. I don't get it? I thought he would never stop contacting me, but he did. Granted a lot of people told him to stop contacting me, but he usually doesn't listen. room mate also said "He never saw that girl and isn't dating her." So I don't know if she's made up? Either way this all upsets me because he chose alcohol over me. He knows he could have me back if he's serious about getting help and went into a rehab. I told him though he severed that because I want nothing to do with him now that he was begging for me back but yet added a girl on FB he was interested in. It turned me off, but I love him sober. Can someone give me insight? I am heartbroken to pieces. I am hurt because I feel like he moved on. I don't know maybe not. Why doesn't he just get help? That would bring me back. If he loved me wouldn't he do that? Or is he just so far down in his addiction? I need insight. Thank you.

[Gaeta]

Alcoholism is an ugly monster that cannot be battled unless you hit bottom and you are seeking professional help. He cannot help himself and you cannot help him.

 

You need to block him and move on even if it's the hardest thing you've done in your life. Why he is like this is not important, why he won't change is not important. What is important is you and your sanity. Move on.

[CptInsano]

It is time for you to move on, too. Unless he is sober it will always be the alcohol talking. The further you get away from it the better off you are. I've seen it more than once in my own life, and it really doesn't matter what he says until he is completely sober.

[smackie9]

You don't want no part of someones alcoholism. Life's too short to be mixed up in that manipulation. Don't take it personally, this has nothing to do with you....it's his problem and he needs to own it. Break free, block/delete.

[Redhead14]

If he loved me wouldn't he do that?-- Until he stops loving alcohol, he can't love anyone -- not you, not even himself. Get it through your mind and heart that he loves alcohol more than anything right now.

 

The room mate told my mom that he is really depressed and unhappy -- It is very unlikely that he is depressed and unhappy because he doesn't have you. That condition exists anyway and the reason he drinks probably.

[kendahke]

It kinda upsets me because I am not fully moved on

 

One thing that would help immensely in this endeavor is for you to block his number already. Why isn't he on block if all you say is true about you moving on?

[MajesticUnicorn]

He should not be contacting you, and especially not your mother. I would advise both of you to continue blocking numbers he tries to contact you from.

 

As the others have said, alcoholism is ugly and you deserve better. I have been with someone who suffered from addiction before, and honestly there is nothing you can do or say to help them. I had to go NC completely, yes it sucked and it hurt at first, but it was what I had to do.

 

You can't hang onto this idea of loving him when he's sober, because the reality is he is an alcoholic. Time to cut your losses.

[BaileyB]

Darling girl, you really should attend an al-anon meeting or see a counselor and learn more about addictions and codependency.

 

It wasn't a rational choice. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with his addiction.

[Slowlydrifting]

I understand your pain and you do not need it.

[preraph]

Hon, first of all, let me just commend you on standing your ground. Too bad he lives with an acquaintance but bravo for mom for blocking him and you should too.

 

Second, he's not MOVING anywhere. He's swimming in alcohol. He tried playing games to make you jealous and got no response, so now he's drinking himself blind and wallowing in self-pity. Please stop worrying about him. He may hit rock bottom someday and decide he wants to be sober (and if it's because of you, pat yourself on the back) or he more likely will not. But you sticking to your guns and not enabling him is the BEST thing anyone can do for him. If he manages to get through to you, remind him you want zero contact until he's been to rehab and been sober for at least six months. Really, a year. It takes months for a person to stabilize and take the edge off after drying out. They usually have a lot of maturing to do and they're usually all over the place emotionally during the first year and that's why AA doesn't want them to pursue a relationship. So you may as well let him know you're writing him off until he's been sober for a year and can prove it.

 

He's probably wallowing. You have no control over what he does now. You should move on with your life. If he ever does get sober you may find out you're a trigger of some sort (maybe through association) who he really shouldn't be around. A lot of people have to change out their whole social group to stay sober. Don't let him lean on you by letting him contact you. Tell him once he's been sober a year, you can talk.

[Olivia D]

I am staying away. I lost all hope in him. It was more like a separation for me and I felt that everything backfired. He relapsed and I stayed away and didn't contact him. He kept begging and begging. Telling me I am the only one, he doesn't want to lose me, etc. I wrote him two letters clearly stating I will only be in his life if he wants to be sober and go through rehab. I told him there are no, ands, ifs, or buts, it's just rehab and counseling. Otherwise I am out of his life if he continues to drink. I clearly stated that I wouldn't accept his calls, but he tricked me and texted me saying "It's important please answer the phone call."I answered because I thought he was calling me to tell me he is going to rehab. He just asked how I was and that he loves me.

 

I got angry and hung up. I found out he added that bartender he has an interest in on facebook, so I got pissed off and said I am not even holding onto him and I am moving on for good, dating other guys, etc. Meanwhile, I am not I was just angry. My mom did block him, but he called from a different number and texted her from a different number. Same with me. I am so heartbroken. I know he can't function without me. So, I thought if I stay away he'll realize he has a problem, and hit rock bottom, but he's holding his ground. He's rubbing a girl in my face, and he quit contacting me which is VERY unusual. So, it does upset me but his room mate said he has nobody and has been drinking all day moping around. He's been in the house on the weekends, and ony one night he did go to a bar, but he came back.

 

I just said those things. I really am not dating guys. I just felt played. I am too scarred and traumatized to move on so quickly. He says I am his soulmate and no other woman will ever compare to me. Instead of changing and never wanting to lose me, it's like he is just sending me a farewell text or call by saying to my mother (before she blocked him) "Olivia will always have a permanent place in my heart that nobody can ever replace. I ruined this relationship. I am sorry." He goes form that to being vicious and mean with me. He goes from being loving, to being hateful by saying "I am ****ing other women, **** you, you suck in bed, you're horrible, move on, I am done with you and your toxicity." "You are toxic, you need to move on. I did." He keeps making it a point to my mother when she calls her friend and to me that he has moved on but then texted me saying he knows he'll never have me, so he drinks to numb the pain. He is back and forth and I really was hoping he would go to rehab, but I did unblock just to see if he would contact me and he hasn't.

Kinda upsets me. I know it shouldn't. Thank you everyone. I appreciate you a lot. Xoxoxo <3 Thank you for the support. It means a lot to me. I feel so alone. </3

[Olivia D]

What is sad is that he is 29 and full of potential. He is a very talented drummer that he threw away for alcohol. His friends told me they distanced themselves from him due to his alcohol abuse. He is very abusive, mean, insulting, and belligerent when drunk. He is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE when sober. He is loving, kind, sweet, understanding, and rational. He is a good guy sober, but the alcohol turns him into an embarrassing monster who destroys people. If he was abusive sober I would give up on him entirely, but what is sad is that I am still holding on even him being with women because i love him that much when he is sober.

 

My mom's friend is not really a friend, he refuses to kick him out because he said he has nowhere to go. My mother tried to convince her friend that he is enabling him and needs to let go of him because he gets involved in their private conversations. She can't even talk to her friend on the phone, so now he ruined the friendship between my mom and the guy he's staying with. They have been friends for 7 years. But because of my mom's friend's actions and my ex's actions she cut her friend out. It's really sad how he is destroying everything around him. my mother treated my ex like he was her son, and he insulted her too for the first time ever. he was always a drunk but he never insulted my mother, or I would have killed him, but he said he hates her and her voice makes him want to kill himself and he only put up with her. When if it wasn't for my mother he'd be homeless. My parents let him live at our house for the longest time before my parents had enough of his alcohol abuse. He got sober, and he was perfect but my dad didn't want him at the house, so out of the kindness of my mother's heart she found him a room mate to stay with and thought it would be a healthy environment for him because her friend John doesn't drink or do drugs, he just stays to himself. He's a stand up guy that way, but he kinda proved he has no loyalty to my mother by keeping my ex in his house.

 

It's sad how my plan that he would break and go to rehab completely failed. His room mate claims he doesn't have anybody else, but who knows. It's just sad. I am super sick with a cold, my birthday is in two days. We had a special trip planned because my birthday is on a thursday. So, he was going to take off friday and take me on a trip to halloween attractions because that's what I like to do. And surprise me with a dinner and a movie out of state where these attractions are. He was really excited about but then he relapsed and crush my world. I am so heartbroken and now I am going to have a miserable and awful birthday because of my sickness and him. Breaks my heart.

[kendahke]

I am staying away.

I wrote him

I told him

I clearly stated that I wouldn't accept his calls

I found out

I got pissed off and (I)said

I just said those things.

(he) then texted me

I did unblock

I am still holding on

 

I guess this all answers my question.

 

You really should go find an al-anon meeting. You need to break your codependency of him.

 

He's a drunk who doesn't want to change what he is doing. That is "what is". "What you wished would be" ain't even on the horizon anymore.

 

He loves alcohol more than he loves you. He has to hit rock bottom on his own without your help before he will see the wisdom in changing.