My ex is contacting my mother

[BaileyB]

Indeed, the fact that he lied to you is rather inconsequential to the fact that he is bipolar and struggles with addictions.

 

As has been said, it's quite common for individuals to go off their medications, possibly related to the side effects or if they are in a manic phase. But more often, people stabilize and decide they no longer need the medication because they are feeling "so much better!"

 

Two months is absolutely nothing when it comes to sobriety. Relapse is common, particularly with and associated mental health diagnosis.

 

You use the word "hellish" when describing your relationship. How long are you prepared to stay with this man and ride this roller coaster?

[Redhead14]

It appears that the OP has left the building, so to speak. She wanted someone to tell her the best way to try to do the wrong thing -- i.e. change her boyfriend. She can't do that. He has to want to change and he needs to want to do that for himself -- not her.

[GemmaUK]

It appears that the OP has left the building, so to speak. She wanted someone to tell her the best way to try to do the wrong thing -- i.e. change her boyfriend. She can't do that. He has to want to change and he needs to want to do that for himself -- not her.

 

Back in June he was 2 months sober.

He is now 2 months sober...

 

OP. you can't fix this man.

[guest569]

It's my medication, why do you care?" I said "because our relationship depends on your stability and sobriety so I take a lot of precendence on it. If you didn't take one that's fine. I'd rather you say you're stressed out and didn't take one than have you just flat out lie. I would understand the.

 

Sheesh. Talk about piling on the pressure after he had a traumatic day and is dealing with a pile of issues! I think that if you want this relationship to work, you need to support him where you can, but understand that he is his own person and you cannot control him or fix him. Counting his pills to prove he is a liar??

 

You don't trust him, and it sounds like you have good reason not to. It doesn't sound like his psychiatrist or work are being supportive either. I feel bad for the guy. As others said, driving a truck while on meds and alcohol could be dangerous. I'm not sure what else to say aside from assess your 2 choices . Maybe you have done all you can and need to look out for yourself now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You need to run from this. You are looking at a life of hell if you stay with him. Why would anyone willingly do this to themselves?

[Olivia D]

Hello LS. As you all know. The guy I have been with I broke up with because he relapsed on alcohol. He has Bipolar Disorder as well, and I tried really hard to help him financially and emotionally. I tried to help him stay clean. We broke up many times due to his drinking. I couldn't handle it. This was very unusual though. He usually blows my phone up with phone calls and text messages. This time he didn't. He contacted my mother. He was confessing his undying love for me, and how much he wants to so desperately talk to me. He kept bothering my mom. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew it would make matters worse. Plus the minute we broke up he said "You're not gonna be out of my life forever right? We'll be friends right?" I said "Um NO!!! I can't be friends with someone I am in love with but forced to leave the relationship due to selfish reasons on your part. Your drinking."

 

So, I finally talked to him and told him I wasn't going to be with him. It turned vicious and I cried, so I just hung up. He then switched his mood. He said to my mother he is glad to be without me. He also said "I lost romantic feelings for her. I never wanted her." My mom said "Ok, then leave it be." He then said "I will miss her but she hates me." My mom said "No, Olivia hates your alcohol addiction. You chose alcohol over her." He said "We both weren't romantic with each other." WHICH IS UNTRUE! I was romantic but he wasn't. I just don't get why he is contacting my mother still? And why he went from confessing his undying love for me, wanting me to call him, to "I am walking away and staying away. I lost romantic feelings for her a long time ago"? Why won''t he let it go? He is contacting my mother about stupid crap that he has at my house, but why is he adding her on Facebook? Messaging her? Acting flip floppy with his emotions? It's taking a toll on me. I don't want to hear he has no feelings for me when I was nothing but a good girlfriend to him and love him still. I just want to get over him. Is it his Alcohol Addiction? His Bipolar? I am so confused as to why my mother is being contacted by him?

Edited September 21, 2017 by Olivia D

[d0nnivain]

He probably needs somebody in his corner & your mom is wiling to listen. She's a mother figure to him too.

 

One of my EXs called my mom a lot after we broke up. She never told me. I only found out after she died.

[BaileyB]

File a restraining order. Protect yourself, and your mother.

 

Clearly, he is not pleased that you will not talk with him. So, he has upped the ante and contacted your mother - and it worked. You called him back.

 

This is the same old roller coaster of ups and downs that has characterized your whole relationship. It's very unhealthy.

 

Good for you, for finally getting off the roller coaster. Learn from this very unhealthy and unsafe relationship. Move forward.

[Olivia D]

He probably needs somebody in his corner & your mom is wiling to listen. She's a mother figure to him too.

 

One of my EXs called my mom a lot after we broke up. She never told me. I only found out after she died.

 

That is a shame! I am so sorry. <3 Sorry about your mother's loss.

 

My mother is a mother figure to him, but she expressed her anger to him, and how she's on my side. It kills my mom knowing how hurt I am. She wants no parts of him. She just replies to him in a mater of fact tone, but she knows how much I did for him and it all went to waste.

[Olivia D]

File a restraining order. Protect yourself, and your mother.

 

Clearly, he is not pleased that you will not talk with him. So, he has upped the ante and contacted your mother - and it worked. You called him back.

 

This is the same old roller coaster of ups and downs that has characterized your whole relationship. It's very unhealthy.

 

Good for you, for finally getting off the roller coaster. Learn from this very unhealthy and unsafe relationship. Move forward.

 

I don't want to be extreme, but it might have to happen. He's just adding more hurt and pain by saying he has no feelings for me, but yet was acting pathetic sending pics of me and him together to my mother and saying "I don't want to say goodbye, but I have to. I will miss her." Like acting very strange. It might have to happen. Thank you so much! I am really depressed because I love him and didn't want to leave, but felt I was forced to because of what happened. So, it's been taking a toll on me and I haven't been feeling good. I am so depressed about it. I really loved him. But thanks again! <3

[preraph]

The bigger question isn't why is someone with a mood disorder doing nutty things but why is your mother ANSWERING when he calls or texts and why isn't she blocking him on social media? She's a grown woman and ought to know better. Tell her in no uncertain terms, Mother, I am asking you to block him and not talk to him at all, can you do that for me? I'm trying to get him out of my life and this isn't helping, so STOP.

[PixelSquish]

Not that it changes anything now but I'm just curious, also having bipolar and being a recovering alcoholic, did he ever go get help? Like go to an inpatient place to get detoxed and started on the road to recovery, and then go to outpatient treatment for substance abuse, followed by meetings? Is he medicated for bipolar and does he see a therapist and psychiatrist regularly?

[Popsicle]

Stop caring. Alcoholics are nothing but drama.

[amaysngrace]

Why is your mom disrespecting you like that?

[Olivia D]

The bigger question isn't why is someone with a mood disorder doing nutty things but why is your mother ANSWERING when he calls or texts and why isn't she blocking him on social media? She's a grown woman and ought to know better. Tell her in no uncertain terms, Mother, I am asking you to block him and not talk to him at all, can you do that for me? I'm trying to get him out of my life and this isn't helping, so STOP.

 

I didn't vocalize it to my mom how much it really bothers me. I keep telling her I am hurt, but I keep playing it off that I am fine, and I am not completely heartbroken, so she thinks I am not that bad off. Before I was like suicidal, wanting to die, and crying all day, so my mom would get very angry and spout off to him, and block him. She thinks I lost feelings for him, therefore she thinks I am not that hurt, but I am internalizing a lot of pain. I still feel how I use to act, but it's different this time. I am not acting it out, I am just internalizing everything. But that's my fault for not telling her how I truly feel.

 

My mom just doesn't care about him. She just ignores what he says and replies with a one sentence reply. She accepted his friend request and chewed him out because he posted a meme saying "I will find the right one day." His brother commented and said "You definitely deserve better." So, my mom got angry and chewed both of them out, and blocked both of them. My ex texted her apologizing and she told him off.

 

I think my mom has so much anger from me being hurt that she almost wants to torment him. It's immature and I don't agree with it, but that's the notion I am getting from my mother. It's like she wants to keep the gate open and hurt him now. She keeps saying to me that she wants him hurt more than anything for what he did to me because I was a sweet innocent girl who genuinely tried to help him and loved him to death. she hated that I put so much into him, and he didn't put anything into me. She told him to stop and to leave it alone many times, but he just keeps messaging her anyways. I think my mom kinda wants to keep it going like I said, because she wants to get him back. I don't agree with it and I don't think she should do that, but I am so speechless that I can only type, I have been a mute. I have't talked from all the abuse, trauma, lies, and betrayal I endured from this relationship. It's keeping me silent.

[kendahke]

No, the question is: why hasn't your mom blocked him so she doesn't have to put up with your relationship mess? She's not helping matters if she lets him contact her like this.

[Olivia D]

Not that it changes anything now but I'm just curious, also having bipolar and being a recovering alcoholic, did he ever go get help? Like go to an inpatient place to get detoxed and started on the road to recovery, and then go to outpatient treatment for substance abuse, followed by meetings? Is he medicated for bipolar and does he see a therapist and psychiatrist regularly?

 

He has been in and out of psych wards and only lasted 12 days in a rehab. He acted like a child kicking and screaming when I would set up psychatrist appointments, therapists appts, and other doc appts. It was like he didn't want the help but he acted like he did. He was stabilized on a med but it caused an allergic reaction. It was very heartbreaking because he got no side effects from that med and it kept him away from alcohol. It made him stable and calm. His anxiety subsided and everything, but he got a rash from the med and had to stop it. It could have been deadly, they call it the "deadly lamictal rash" That was the med he was on Lamictal. It worked wonders, but he upped the dose (doctor's orders) he got that allergic reaction/bad rash. I was the one who made appointments. He convinced me he didn't have a drinking problem and the only reason why he drank was because of his intense anxiety he felt. He wanted his anxiety to go away and beer only helped that.

 

He tried all sorts of meds and he either had bad side effects or they thrown him into a manic phase. It was getting frustrating but I told him to not give up. I got him in with a psych doc, but he got frustrated because the meds weren't helping or he got side effects. It was very frustrating. Then he would lose his job and go into a psych ward to be regulated. It was the same old, same old. I know he has a problem though. It's not just anxiety. He just conned me for awhile thinking that was truly it, but no he's an alcoholic that needs cognitive therapy, and medication therapy, also rehab.

[Olivia D]

Why is your mom disrespecting you like that?

 

Please read my response to Preraph. Thank you.

[Olivia D]

No, the question is: why hasn't your mom blocked him so she doesn't have to put up with your relationship mess? She's not helping matters if she lets him contact her like this.

 

Please read my response to Preraph. Thank you.

[kendahke]

Ithink my mom has so much anger from me being hurt that she almost wants to torment him. It's immature and I don't agree with it, but that's the notion I am getting from my mother. It's like she wants to keep the gate open and hurt him now. She keeps saying to me that she wants him hurt more than anything

 

Your mom needs to grow up. The best way to hurt someone is to ignore them and give them no way to attain an audience either with your or vicariously through others.

[Olivia D]

Your mom needs to grow up. The best way to hurt someone is to ignore them and give them no way to attain an audience either with your or vicariously through others.

 

I agree, but my mom is very passionate about how I feel. She goes to a whole different level when someone really hurts me. She's the type that won't call you names, but she'll be passive aggressive and be stand offish. She'll rub things in his face because he's trying to rub things in my face, so she acts very clever in her responses that sound "nice", but they are actually sarcastic and mean if you are smart. She is so emotionally driven. Like I said, it's my fault that I am not telling her everything and how I truly feel. I am playing it off to much. She has that mother lion in her. She is trying to hurt him. I don't agree with it like I said, I just think she thinks I am not too bad off and don't care because that's how I am making it seem. When I was very open and clear about how I felt and she saw how distraught I was in the past she blocked him and didn't engage. I am just so much in shock that I can't even speak, I have to give it time to tell her what's really going on.

[BaileyB]

It's nice that your mom loves you and wants to be protective of you...

 

But, with all due respect, you are a grown adult. It was not her relationship, and it's none of her business. She has no business getting involved in your relationship. Healthy boundaries seem to be a real issue, for you and your mother.

 

What he is trying to do is classic splitting behavior. Your mom needs to ignore him and he will go away eventually... Talking to him will only give him attention and further encourage him to continue.

[amaysngrace]

She is seriously trying to hurt him back?

 

I love my kids to pieces but I'd never give somebody who hurt my child so deeply even a minute of my time.

[preraph]

I didn't vocalize it to my mom how much it really bothers me. I keep telling her I am hurt, but I keep playing it off that I am fine, and I am not completely heartbroken, so she thinks I am not that bad off. Before I was like suicidal, wanting to die, and crying all day, so my mom would get very angry and spout off to him, and block him. She thinks I lost feelings for him, therefore she thinks I am not that hurt, but I am internalizing a lot of pain. I still feel how I use to act, but it's different this time. I am not acting it out, I am just internalizing everything. But that's my fault for not telling her how I truly feel.

 

My mom just doesn't care about him. She just ignores what he says and replies with a one sentence reply. She accepted his friend request and chewed him out because he posted a meme saying "I will find the right one day." His brother commented and said "You definitely deserve better." So, my mom got angry and chewed both of them out, and blocked both of them. My ex texted her apologizing and she told him off.

 

I think my mom has so much anger from me being hurt that she almost wants to torment him. It's immature and I don't agree with it, but that's the notion I am getting from my mother. It's like she wants to keep the gate open and hurt him now. She keeps saying to me that she wants him hurt more than anything for what he did to me because I was a sweet innocent girl who genuinely tried to help him and loved him to death. she hated that I put so much into him, and he didn't put anything into me. She told him to stop and to leave it alone many times, but he just keeps messaging her anyways. I think my mom kinda wants to keep it going like I said, because she wants to get him back. I don't agree with it and I don't think she should do that, but I am so speechless that I can only type, I have been a mute. I have't talked from all the abuse, trauma, lies, and betrayal I endured from this relationship. It's keeping me silent.

 

Tell her what I told you to tell her. She is just giving him a way to torment you and she SURELY knows this.

[coolheadal]

Hello LS. As you all know. The guy I have been with I broke up with because he relapsed on alcohol. He has Bipolar Disorder as well, and I tried really hard to help him financially and emotionally. I tried to help him stay clean. We broke up many times due to his drinking. I couldn't handle it. This was very unusual though. He usually blows my phone up with phone calls and text messages. This time he didn't. He contacted my mother. He was confessing his undying love for me, and how much he wants to so desperately talk to me. He kept bothering my mom. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew it would make matters worse. Plus the minute we broke up he said "You're not gonna be out of my life forever right? We'll be friends right?" I said "Um NO!!! I can't be friends with someone I am in love with but forced to leave the relationship due to selfish reasons on your part. Your drinking."

 

So, I finally talked to him and told him I wasn't going to be with him. It turned vicious and I cried, so I just hung up. He then switched his mood. He said to my mother he is glad to be without me. He also said "I lost romantic feelings for her. I never wanted her." My mom said "Ok, then leave it be." He then said "I will miss her but she hates me." My mom said "No, Olivia hates your alcohol addiction. You chose alcohol over her." He said "We both weren't romantic with each other." WHICH IS UNTRUE! I was romantic but he wasn't. I just don't get why he is contacting my mother still? And why he went from confessing his undying love for me, wanting me to call him, to "I am walking away and staying away. I lost romantic feelings for her a long time ago"? Why won''t he let it go? He is contacting my mother about stupid crap that he has at my house, but why is he adding her on Facebook? Messaging her? Acting flip floppy with his emotions? It's taking a toll on me. I don't want to hear he has no feelings for me when I was nothing but a good girlfriend to him and love him still. I just want to get over him. Is it his Alcohol Addiction? His Bipolar? I am so confused as to why my mother is being contacted by him?

 

File a police report on him to get a restraining order on him so you can't A civil harassment restraining order is a court order that helps protect people from violence, stalking, serious harassment, or threats of violence. You can ask for a civil harassment restraining order if: A person has abused (or threatened to abuse), sexually assaulted, stalked, or seriously harassed you, AND. you like he's doing. There are laws in each state to protect women like you. This guy is jerk and he's also has a serious mental condition. Drinking is his buddy and you did leave, but he won't give you up that's why you need to get the police involved. Nothing anyone else can help you with just give you more advise. You left him he trying to get to you through your mom but your mom told him to leave it be. But he's not listening. He has to have it his way to get to you. No love for him he needs to understand that, if not the police will tell him to leave and if he doesn't he'll get arrested and you can't be soft you have to make sure he doesn't ever bother you ever again. If you allow him back then it will be just more of the same but this time even worst.