7 Years...now he's back

[BaileyB]

I would never be there to "save" him. He has to save himself and I know that. That's why I've told him that I don't want to know the details of his divorce.

 

But, you have attempted to "save" him, whether it was intended or not. Your very presence has given him a "soft place to fall," to ease the pain and lonliness of his divorce. Let's not pretend any different...

Edited January 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[Samantha.Leo]

But, you have attempted to "save" him, whether it was intended or not. Your very presence has given him a "soft place to fall," to ease the pain and lonliness of his divorce. Let's not pretend any different...

 

Then maybe I need to remove myself as his "soft place to fall." I don't want to do that in a way that makes him think I don't want to be with him anymore though. I still care a lot for this man and I want to do what's best for us both.

[elaine567]

I would never be there to "save" him. He has to save himself and I know that. That's why I've told him that I don't want to know the details of his divorce.

 

OK, but you are putting your head in the sand.

You may not need to hear about every single argument and raised word but you surely need to know exactly why they are divorcing if you plan on sticking around.

[BaileyB]

Then maybe I need to remove myself as his "soft place to fall." I don't want to do that in a way that makes him think I don't want to be with him anymore though. I still care a lot for this man and I want to do what's best for us both.

 

I'm not sure what to say. To each their own... you have every intention of waiting around for this married man, enduring the ups and down of his divorce and his depression, waiting with the hope that he will pick you this time over his wife and children... that is certainly your choice. It wouldn't be mine.

 

IF, I wanted a relationship with this man which I would not (because of the fact that he chose to be with another woman all those years ago), I would tell him to get his life together and be sure that his kids are settled after the divorce. He could then contact me if he was still interested a year or so after his divorce was final and I would decide then if this relationship was something I would want to pursue. I don't think you are prepared to do that though.

Edited January 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[BC1980]

I have been asking myself exactly what I am getting out of this. I know I've given too much. That's always been my nature: being a giver. I think I need to step back and stay away from him for a while. At least until it's finished.

 

I think you're hoping you'll get something in return (a relationship with him). So you are giving more than you're getting as a gamble to see if it pays off. It's a rough landing if it doesn't work.

[Samantha.Leo]

I'm not sure what to say. To each their own... you have every intention of waiting around for this married man, enduring the ups and down of his divorce and his depression, waiting with the hope that he will pick you this time over his wife and children... that is certainly your choice. It wouldn't be mine.

 

IF, I wanted a relationship with this man which I would not (because of the fact that he chose to be with another woman all those years ago), I would tell him to get his life together and be sure that his kids are settled after the divorce. He could then contact me if he was still interested a year or so after his divorce was final and I would decide then if this relationship was something I would want to pursue. I don't think you are prepared to do that though.

 

I guess I felt like this was a "meant to be" situation when it all started happening. Don't judge. The timing of me contacting him again after all these years only to find out he was getting divorced. It's hard to come away from that thought overnight. I've never had a situation like this in my life, EVER. I'm not sure how to handle it. I still love him, even after all this time, and regardless of him leaving me before. We were only together for 2 months when he told me about the ex. I stuck around until he moved. Yes, probably a dumb naive move, but that's what happened. Of course I want us to have a real shot. If that means I leave him to figure things out, then that's what I will have to do. No, I'm not ready for it, I just got him back in my life, of course I'm not ready for that yet. I am really doing the soul-searching thing and I am TRYING to get to that point. I know the reality is that there is a chance she will change her mind and they will try again for the sake of the child, I get that. I'm trying to come to terms with whatever this is and to be OK with whatever happens. I don't know, my head is not where it needs to be right now. I'm stuck where I am and trying to get where I need to be.

[BaileyB]

I guess I felt like this was a "meant to be" situation when it all started happening. Don't judge. The timing of me contacting him again after all these years only to find out he was getting divorced. It's hard to come away from that thought overnight. I've never had a situation like this in my life, EVER. I'm not sure how to handle it. I still love him, even after all this time, and regardless of him leaving me before. We were only together for 2 months when he told me about the ex. I stuck around until he moved. Yes, probably a dumb naive move, but that's what happened. Of course I want us to have a real shot. If that means I leave him to figure things out, then that's what I will have to do. No, I'm not ready for it, I just got him back in my life, of course I'm not ready for that yet. I am really doing the soul-searching thing and I am TRYING to get to that point. I know the reality is that there is a chance she will change her mind and they will try again for the sake of the child, I get that. I'm trying to come to terms with whatever this is and to be OK with whatever happens. I don't know, my head is not where it needs to be right now. I'm stuck where I am and trying to get where I need to be.

 

No judgment here. The heart wants what the heart wants. That doesn't mean that we always have to follow our heart... If our head is saying something different.

 

I wish you well. I really hope that you don't get hurt again.

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Been there myself, in various ways, and am in some version of my own carousel these days.

 

Instead of being so hard on yourself, just accept this period as a kind of turbulent emotional purgatory in the name of love. It's a time where you're going to be feeling a lot of contradictory feelings, and that's okay. Feel them all, let them push you around a bit, and listen to them. This man has been on your mind for years, and now is the time where you figure out if there's anything there.

 

At the moment, of course, it sounds like there is way too much anxiety and uncertainty—you're not getting what you need to feel calm and you know it. That's great. It gives you something to listen to, and only you know how patient you can be in this space.

[Samantha.Leo]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Been there myself, in various ways, and am in some version of my own carousel these days.

 

Instead of being so hard on yourself, just accept this period as a kind of turbulent emotional purgatory in the name of love. It's a time where you're going to be feeling a lot of contradictory feelings, and that's okay. Feel them all, let them push you around a bit, and listen to them. This man has been on your mind for years, and now is the time where you figure out if there's anything there.

 

At the moment, of course, it sounds like there is way too much anxiety and uncertainty—you're not getting what you need to feel calm and you know it. That's great. It gives you something to listen to, and only you know how patient you can be in this space.

 

Well, at this point, this carousel does not feel like love. I don't know what it feels like. I'm trying not to be hard on myself, but I feel like I'm in purgatory. Yes, emotional purgatory is exactly what it is. I'm tired of being in it, in the name of love or not. I've been in it way too long, so long, I just don't know how to get out. I'm actually not even talking to him right now so I can get my head where I need it to be. So on top of all the anxiety and uncertainty, I'm also taking time for NC. Almost a week. I don't know what's going to happen next with us and I don't know how patient I can be. I guess I just needed a place to let it out because I am tired of holding it in.

[Morello]

Two months is nothing, as you may know. It gives you no indication of who the other person really is. It probably gives you an indication of who the person is not, especially because we act all different in the beginning trying to make the other person fall in love with us. We try to be who we think they would fall for.

 

I think you are in love with the fantasy, not him. I know because I got out of a 2 month relationship recently. I was head over heels with her. It's been 4 months since the break up, and I'm sure I've never felt for anyone what I've felt for her, at least during the early stages of a relationship. I could see she was deeply connected too but at some point she decided it was not what she wanted.

 

I'm afraid I'm obsessing even more now about her than I was before. Like what people call 'oneitis', thinking she was the one and I let her go. Ok, she is a pretty awesome girl and we had a really intense thing going on for both of us. But I think that, due to time having passed, I'm looking at her and the relationship with rose lenses. We tend to forget the bad stuff and remember only the good ones.

 

Then I kind of force myself to think about the bad stuff. And they come up. The red flags. The many reasons why it wouldn't have worked out anyway. The hot/cold behaviour. How it was clear that she was not ready. How we're probably not even compatible, regardless of the countless hours just staring at each other thinking we had found the one for us. But the next day I tend to forget these things again and the obsessive behaviour and the sadness come back. So it needs to be a daily exercise for you to think and go through the reasons it didn't work on the first time and why it won't work again.

 

You have to force yourself to think you don't know this man. You didn't know him before, and you still don't know him. His behaviour with you is classic rebound behaviour. You know all of that, but you're refusing to admit it. Once he doesn't need you as an emotional crutch anymore, he probably won't be as affectionate or as open. He might not even want you around anymore.

 

My suggestion is that you let him know that you care for him but don't think he's in a good head space for a relationship right now. Tell him to sort his stuff out and get back to you in the future when and if he's ready for a relationship. Until then, you'll be moving on. I find that explaining the reasons of No Contact tends to work better for both parties instead of just disappearing.

 

It will either help you heal and actually move on or it will make him think harder whether he wants to be with you or not. In any case, you'll win.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Morello

[bluecastle]

Well, at this point, this carousel does not feel like love. I don't know what it feels like. I'm trying not to be hard on myself, but I feel like I'm in purgatory. Yes, emotional purgatory is exactly what it is. I'm tired of being in it, in the name of love or not. I've been in it way too long, so long, I just don't know how to get out. I'm actually not even talking to him right now so I can get my head where I need it to be. So on top of all the anxiety and uncertainty, I'm also taking time for NC. Almost a week. I don't know what's going to happen next with us and I don't know how patient I can be. I guess I just needed a place to let it out because I am tired of holding it in.

 

It sounds like you know exactly what you need: distance and space to clear your head. Take it.

 

Six weeks ago I was in a similar space. I was 1.5 months out of the break up when we got back in touch, which threw my heart and head in circles. Just as I had begun to let go, I started holding on again, thinking we could find something healthy after what was revealed to be a very toxic relationship.

 

Still, part of me knew the timing wasn't right and that, most likely, we weren't right for each other. To clear my head I went to another city for six weeks, with no contact, and I have to say that after about 3 weeks I started to feel something I hadn't felt in ages: true relief. Yes, it was (and remains) sad to acknowledge that there was nothing there, but it was also freeing.

 

I think you needed to give this guy a go to close this chapter in your life. That transition is always hard, as old wounds are opened, but it's also the start of a new chapter, which in time will reveal itself to be much more fulfilling.

[Samantha.Leo]

Two months is nothing, as you may know. It gives you no indication of who the other person really is. It probably gives you an indication of who the person is not, especially because we act all different in the beginning trying to make the other person fall in love with us. We try to be who we think they would fall for.

 

I think you are in love with the fantasy, not him. I know because I got out of a 2 month relationship recently. I was head over heels with her. It's been 4 months since the break up, and I'm sure I've never felt for anyone what I've felt for her, at least during the early stages of a relationship. I could see she was deeply connected too but at some point she decided it was not what she wanted.

 

I'm afraid I'm obsessing even more now about her than I was before. Like what people call 'oneitis', thinking she was the one and I let her go. Ok, she is a pretty awesome girl and we had a really intense thing going on for both of us. But I think that, due to time having passed, I'm looking at her and the relationship with rose lenses. We tend to forget the bad stuff and remember only the good ones.

 

Then I kind of force myself to think about the bad stuff. And they come up. The red flags. The many reasons why it wouldn't have worked out anyway. The hot/cold behaviour. How it was clear that she was not ready. How we're probably not even compatible, regardless of the countless hours just staring at each other thinking we had found the one for us. But the next day I tend to forget these things again and the obsessive behaviour and the sadness come back. So it needs to be a daily exercise for you to think and go through the reasons it didn't work on the first time and why it won't work again.

 

You have to force yourself to think you don't know this man. You didn't know him before, and you still don't know him. His behaviour with you is classic rebound behaviour. You know all of that, but you're refusing to admit it. Once he doesn't need you as an emotional crutch anymore, he probably won't be as affectionate or as open. He might not even want you around anymore.

 

My suggestion is that you let him know that you care for him but don't think he's in a good head space for a relationship right now. Tell him to sort his stuff out and get back to you in the future when and if he's ready for a relationship. Until then, you'll be moving on. I find that explaining the reasons of No Contact tends to work better for both parties instead of just disappearing.

 

It will either help you heal and actually move on or it will make him think harder whether he wants to be with you or not. In any case, you'll win.

 

Yes, 2 months is nothing as far as time is concerned, but when I met him, I swear I felt like I knew him. When our eyes locked, it was as if time stood still in that moment. It hit me hard and I have NEVER felt that with anyone. I STILL remember the feeling, I can still picture him standing there and when our eyes met, God it was like fireworks went off in my brain. You cannot forget someone who makes you feel that way. And in 2 months, I did get to know him, we spent a lot of time together. We talked everyday. I know 2 months isn't long, but when you're in it, it can feel like a lifetime. I fell and I fell hard for him. He seemed to feel the same way. I was the first relationship he had in years when he met me. I don't feel that I am in love with a fantasy. I know him. I accept him. Isn't love acceptance? I remember the bad stuff as well as all the good stuff. I know it all sounds delusional or whatever, I just know this is how I feel about him. I have for a long time. When we reconnected, he told me he felt the same things I do and wished he had made a different choice. He told me that he regretted leaving me like he did and that he never had it as good as he did when he was with me. Maybe it's rebound, maybe it's not. I would think it was a rebound if this were a new relationship. This is not new. We were together before. Who knows what is going on in his head, except him? I have told him let that I care for him but I don't think he's in a good head space right now and that I didn't think I should be around during this time. I HAVE told him this. I was prepared for him to agree with it and we would move forward with our own lives without each other, at least for now. However, he told me in response, "Just give me some time." and proceeded to continue contact like normal. Even asking me to visit him over Christmas. I have decided to back off some, only letting him contact me, and being very cautious about what happens when he does contact me. I don't want to disappear completely, but I know things cannot continue the way that they have been going.

[Samantha.Leo]

It sounds like you know exactly what you need: distance and space to clear your head. Take it.

 

Six weeks ago I was in a similar space. I was 1.5 months out of the break up when we got back in touch, which threw my heart and head in circles. Just as I had begun to let go, I started holding on again, thinking we could find something healthy after what was revealed to be a very toxic relationship.

 

Still, part of me knew the timing wasn't right and that, most likely, we weren't right for each other. To clear my head I went to another city for six weeks, with no contact, and I have to say that after about 3 weeks I started to feel something I hadn't felt in ages: true relief. Yes, it was (and remains) sad to acknowledge that there was nothing there, but it was also freeing.

 

I think you needed to give this guy a go to close this chapter in your life. That transition is always hard, as old wounds are opened, but it's also the start of a new chapter, which in time will reveal itself to be much more fulfilling.

 

Distance and space, EXACTLY. I know I need this. I KNOW he needs it, too, even if he doesn't admit it. He HAS to deal with this divorce and everything and all the emotions surrounding it ON HIS OWN. I know I cannot be part of his life--at least not the part I am playing right now--during this time. I KNOW this. I was away from him for 7 YEARS before we reconnected. 7 years. There was never complete relief while we were apart. I meant there was some, but he was ALWAYS in the back of my mind somewhere. The first time I was with someone different, 7 years after I had seen him, I immediately and subconsciously compared the two of them. It was the strangest thing. And when I spoke to him again after all that time, he told me he thought of me often and wished he made a different choice. He told me that he regretted leaving me the way he did. If there was nothing there between, how could we explain this? I agree that the timing is WAY OFF for us, and maybe that's how it's supposed to be, I don't know. I can't help but to feel that I can't close this chapter of my life, but maybe I need to take a break with this book and read another for now. Maybe my feelings will change, maybe they won't, but I know what I feel right now. I'm not ready to give up on him yet.

[BC1980]

We were only together for 2 months when he told me about the ex. I stuck around until he moved. Yes, probably a dumb naive move, but that's what happened. Of course I want us to have a real shot. If that means I leave him to figure things out, then that's what I will have to do.

 

It's easy to idealize these kinds of brief relationships. You didn't have a substantive relationship with him, so it's easy to live in the fantasy land of "what if." You've nursed this fantasy of him over the years. The truth is that he didn't want to be with you 7 years ago, and you stuck around waiting. Now, you are sticking around and waiting again. It's a bad spot to put yourself in. It's a weak spot. You are sticking around hoping for a relationship.

 

I can't remember, but you contacted him this time right? If so, then you have to take that into consideration too. He didn't reach out, so he wasn't pining for you over the years. Catching him during a divorce means he's probably looking for some female attention at the moment. People are vulnerable during that time, and a woman from his past showing up out the of the blue gives in a little ego hit.

[Samantha.Leo]

It's easy to idealize these kinds of brief relationships. You didn't have a substantive relationship with him, so it's easy to live in the fantasy land of "what if." You've nursed this fantasy of him over the years. The truth is that he didn't want to be with you 7 years ago, and you stuck around waiting. Now, you are sticking around and waiting again. It's a bad spot to put yourself in. It's a weak spot. You are sticking around hoping for a relationship.

 

I can't remember, but you contacted him this time right? If so, then you have to take that into consideration too. He didn't reach out, so he wasn't pining for you over the years. Catching him during a divorce means he's probably looking for some female attention at the moment. People are vulnerable during that time, and a woman from his past showing up out the of the blue gives in a little ego hit.

 

See that's just it, 7 years ago I wasn't waiting for him. I knew there was a time constraint there. I knew that it wouldn't last and I accepted it. When he left, I honestly thought that it was over, but I don't think he did. I honestly thought I'd never be with him again. Maybe I am am hoping for a relationship. Down the line. Not right now. Neither of us could handle a relationship with each other right now. I did contact him first this time. That's just it, he DID try to reach out, for a year after he left. He tried to contact me and tried to meet up with me. He would tell me he missed me and wanted to see me and all that. I cut him out of my life. I did it so he could give his relationship with his ex a real shot. I knew me being the OW would not allow a real shot at a relationship with her, so I cut him out. Catching him during his divorce, I'll agree with you there, that it is giving him an ego boost and he is vulnerable.

[Samantha.Leo]

If you want to know the background, you can go here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/635239-7-years-now-he-s-back

 

I had been worried sick about J for the last week or so because I hadn't heard from him. He found out some very unsettling news right before the new year and expressed to me how betrayed he felt by it. He was so upset, I seriously thought he was going to do something to get himself into trouble. He didn't though, but became more distant from that point on. The last time I spoke to him, he was sick and very irritated. I left him alone for about a week. I sent him a text last week and when he didn't respond, I got anxious. I waited a couple of days and sent another. He still didn't respond. Ok, now I was really worried because he never just ignores me. Short answers, sure, but never just ignores me. He's had A LOT of bad stuff come at him lately and he has depression. He doesn't treat it and won't go to the doctor for it either. He's told me it felt like he gets hit with one thing after another and the crap just wouldn't stop. Also, he just hasn't been very willing to do anything he used to like to do in the last month or so. He sits in the dark by himself, he's sick all the time, he refuses to eat, he talks about how he doesn't matter, he's poison, he's past saving, he says he deserves to suffer, and he's not the same in the bedroom. He was self-medicating, but he can't do that now because of something that happened. He has no friends that he talks about. He used to have friends but they have sided with his soon to be ex wife. He lives with roommates that he hates and they are not very supportive in his situation either. He's completely alone.

 

Here's my confession: since he wasn't responding and I didn't want to blow up his phone, I texted him from a different phone to see if he was alive. He responded. Relief then anger. Then I asked him if he knew who I was. His response: "At this point in life, I don't even know who I am." I felt so sad for him. To feel like he had to say something like this to a complete stranger.

 

I have reached out to him in an email that basically said:

"I know you're going through a lot right now and all I can do is offer my support and let you know that you are not alone. I want to give you your space so you can deal with these things because I think that is what you are asking for by not responding to my messages. Just remember that people do care about you and I'm here for you. Reach out to me when you are ready. Sending you a hug."

This was a couple days ago. No word yet. I feel ok about reaching out to let him know I care. I honestly do not see him trying to find anyone else (as in a lover) right now with the way he has been acting. I feel like he's trying to seclude himself from everything, including me. It's just so sad.

 

I decided to go No Contact, at least for now (30 days, 60 day, 90 days, I don't know yet). I decided that I wouldn't reach out to him anymore because I'm not sure if I should take his lack of response as he doesn't want to hear from me or that he needs some space. He's NEVER just ignored messages from me before. Then I have the conflicting thoughts of if I don't reach out, he's going to think I've abandoned him. He may not be responding, but he is getting the messages of support, and maybe he needs them. I'm having a hard time coping with this situation.

 

I guess my question is: No Contact...is it the right thing to do in this situation?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it is. If you are truly worried about a depressed potentially suicidal person in your life, the last thing that person needs is for one more person -- you -- to abandon them.

 

You have to assume that you won't get responses but perhaps sending an upbeat hopeful inspirational message once per week or so could make a difference.

 

However if this broken person is an EX of yours & staying in contact hurts you, it's OK to walk away. NC is about healing yourself not punishing the other person. Your absence from that person's life will not make them miss you more or want to come back.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My view is that, in this case and one other, NC is not the way to go. If he is truly depressed, he needs support and you are important to him. Provided that he is not being manipulative, I would not go NC....for now. You can continue reaching out, but you cannot make him respond. Does have contact with someone else? Family or friend? Could you keep tabs on him this way?

[Samantha.Leo]

I don't think it is. If you are truly worried about a depressed potentially suicidal person in your life, the last thing that person needs is for one more person -- you -- to abandon them.

 

You have to assume that you won't get responses but perhaps sending an upbeat hopeful inspirational message once per week or so could make a difference.

 

However if this broken person is an EX of yours & staying in contact hurts you, it's OK to walk away. NC is about healing yourself not punishing the other person. Your absence from that person's life will not make them miss you more or want to come back.

 

He is an ex, but his friendship means more to me than rekindling a romance. That's what I was worried about, him thinking I'm abandoning him. It's hard to know which way to go because of him ignoring me. I mean it could mean he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, but he's never done that before. He's expressed before that he didn't want me to leave him alone and that he's just having a hard time. This was before the ignoring me. It's tough and I felt that I needed to reach out to someone for advice. Thank you.

[Samantha.Leo]

My view is that, in this case and one other, NC is not the way to go. If he is truly depressed, he needs support and you are important to him. Provided that he is not being manipulative, I would not go NC....for now. You can continue reaching out, but you cannot make him respond. Does have contact with someone else? Family or friend? Could you keep tabs on him this way?

 

This case and one other, what's the one other?

 

He is depressed. I know that's for sure. His soon to be ex wife even mentioned his depression when she decided to divorce him. At least that's what he's told me. When she told him this, she said "what are you gonna do, kill yourself?" I know I can't make him respond, I just wish he would. I hate that he is shutting me out and he won't tell me why.

 

I know he has said that he has no one. That I was his only light besides his son, but this was a while ago. I don't know anyone I could talk to to keep tabs on him. He's shut most of his family out, too. I mentioned giving him space before and he responded with "just give me time" and continued talking to me at least until recently. Thanks for your advice.

[d0nnivain]

Just keep reaching out. Sometimes in the throws of depression people think no one cares If he keeps reading messages from you at least he'll know somebody is in his corner.

[Samantha.Leo]

Just keep reaching out. Sometimes in the throws of depression people think no one cares If he keeps reading messages from you at least he'll know somebody is in his corner.

 

I hope you are right.

[BaileyB]

Keep reaching out to show your care and concern, as a friend.

 

But remember, he is definitely not healthy enough to be in any kind of relationship right now. Keep your expectations in check.

[Samantha.Leo]

Keep reaching out to show your care and concern, as a friend.

 

But remember, he is definitely not healthy enough to be in any kind of relationship right now. Keep your expectations in check.

 

I completely realize that he is nowhere near ready for any kind of romantic relationship. I've given up on that for now. I'll always love him in some way, though.

I sent him this today:

"I know I can't make you respond to my messages. I'm not trying to. I just wanted to let you know that your friendship is important to me. You are important to me. You are not alone in what you are going through. I am always going to be here for you. Please remember that when things get dark."

I figure I'll reach out again in a couple of weeks (or is that too long?) as a friend. He's getting my messages because they say "delivered" under them, so there's that. I don't know what else I can do. It's so tough not knowing if these messages will help or ultimately drive him away. I don't want to drive him away.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This case and one other, what's the one other?

 

He is depressed. I know that's for sure. His soon to be ex wife even mentioned his depression when she decided to divorce him. At least that's what he's told me. When she told him this, she said "what are you gonna do, kill yourself?" I know I can't make him respond, I just wish he would. I hate that he is shutting me out and he won't tell me why.

 

I know he has said that he has no one. That I was his only light besides his son, but this was a while ago. I don't know anyone I could talk to to keep tabs on him. He's shut most of his family out, too. I mentioned giving him space before and he responded with "just give me time" and continued talking to me at least until recently. Thanks for your advice.

 

I agree with others. Keep reaching out. He is reading your messages and getting some solace from them. He is not ready to reach out, but I suspect he is getting some comfort in knowing that you are thinking about him.

 

I am certain that there are other examples where NC is not the most prudent thing to do, but, in my view, if you have a history of neglecting, dismissing your partner in terms of communication and responsiveness, NC is a NO GO. It only reinforces the callous nature of your disregard and to neglect and dismiss the feelings of your partner, ex, etc. Just my 2-cents.