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7 Years...now he's back


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 17th September 2017, 5:03 PM   #1
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7 Years...now he's back

I'm not even sure this belongs here, but here goes...

I've posted on here about an ex from 15 years ago, T. T triggered me to contact my last ex (Jay) after he used me. Jay was the last person I was with before him, 7 years ago. I believe that this loneliness is what blinded me to T and all the red flags, but this is not a post about T. This is about Jay.

A little background:
I met Jay in October 2009 at a concert. I was meeting a guy friend and this friend brought Jay with him. It was like a shock to my system when I saw Jay. I had never in my life believed in love at first sight, but with him, I swear that is what I felt. I still to this day remember the feeling and everything about when our eyes met for the first time. I've never felt anything like it. We hooked up the same night. I didn't expect anything more out of it, but he pursued me. To me, it felt like more than a FB or FWB, we connected on a deeper level. I would see him about twice a week and we would text or talk just about everyday. In those meetings, we would talk about everything, for hours. Everything was so intimate with him.
About 2 or 3 months into this, his ex from about 10 years before me decided to write him letters talking about how she regretted what she did and that she wanted another chance. He told me he didn't know what he was going to do. Months later, he decided to give her another chance, but he told me that if things didn't work out, he wanted to come back to me, but that he had to do this.
Fast-forward to June 2010. He moved to another state to be with her. I was devastated. He tried to maintain contact with me, texting and calling, telling me how much he missed me and a few times visiting my state wanting to hang out. I refused. I ended up cutting all contact with him because it hurt so much to talk to him when I knew he was with her. I ignored texts and phone calls for months and eventually, there was silence. I was alone and I would stay alone until this year.

August of this year I sent him a text. I was desperate to feel something else after T. I didn't know what I expected, I just needed something else. I always felt heard and validated with him. He texted me back, happy to have heard from me after so long. He is going through a nasty divorce with his ex, the same one he left me for. I told him all about T and what happened with him.
Since that first text, we have been speaking everyday. Really talking about our feelings and what happened back then. We've talked about our regrets with each other and how we still feel about each other. He regrets leaving me, and wished that he stayed. I wished that I said more instead of staying silent about my feelings. We are talking about and sharing things that neither of us admitted back then. I never told him how I really felt about him, and he never told me. It was always hinted. Talking to him again...It's almost like he never left. Those feelings are still there, 7 years later. You'd think we would be past it. We haven't seen each other yet but have made plans to meet up at some point, and honestly, I'm a little afraid of that because of what happened with T. I told him that I don't want to be a rebound or to be used. He told me that I never was a rebound, he would never use me, and that he had thought of me often and missed me throughout these years.

I just don't know. I wonder can it work out? Is this a second chance? Am I just lost and confused? I'm not sure where to go with this and any advice is appreciated. How should I approach this?
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Old 18th September 2017, 12:27 PM   #2
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First off all you have to be certain that your ex really is divorced or getting divorced. That means that your ex has to be fully moved out of the marital home and have his own place, hopefully for at least the last 6 - 12 months. Even then he is a big risk because many married men go back to their wives, even after a lengthy seperation.

Secondly you can't turn back time. I have had a few exes come back into my life and it was never like I imagined it was going to be. Initially I would be flooded with happy memories when we talked but when we eventually met in person I soon found that it was different and there was no recapturing the past. One ex I actually dated again after not seeing him for 15 yrs. He wanted me to be exactly the same person I used to be which annoyed me. I realized he had been hanging onto a fantasy and while he claimed to love he me he didn't really know me. You and your ex will not have the same relationship you once did.

Lastly the chances of one or both of you using each other as a rebound is very high. You said yourself that your break up with another guy was the catalyst in your decision to talk to this guy. Break ups are awful. They leave you feeling lonely and alone. There is a desperation to make the hurt and emptiness go away and many people latch on to a new person quickly, believing it's true love when it's actually only a temporary pain reliever. The healthiest thing for you and your ex to do would be for both of you to be on your own for at least a year before you meet again.
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Old 18th September 2017, 2:55 PM   #3
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First off all you have to be certain that your ex really is divorced or getting divorced. That means that your ex has to be fully moved out of the marital home and have his own place, hopefully for at least the last 6 - 12 months. Even then he is a big risk because many married men go back to their wives, even after a lengthy seperation.

He has moved out and is living with roommates. Him and his wife have met with a mediator about the divorce. He has been out of the home since April. This would be their second chance together.

Secondly you can't turn back time. I have had a few exes come back into my life and it was never like I imagined it was going to be. Initially I would be flooded with happy memories when we talked but when we eventually met in person I soon found that it was different and there was no recapturing the past. One ex I actually dated again after not seeing him for 15 yrs. He wanted me to be exactly the same person I used to be which annoyed me. I realized he had been hanging onto a fantasy and while he claimed to love he me he didn't really know me. You and your ex will not have the same relationship you once did.

You really can't turn back time, and I know that. We haven't met yet. This already seems different than it was, so I expect any relationship together at this point on would be different.

Lastly the chances of one or both of you using each other as a rebound is very high. You said yourself that your break up with another guy was the catalyst in your decision to talk to this guy. Break ups are awful. They leave you feeling lonely and alone. There is a desperation to make the hurt and emptiness go away and many people latch on to a new person quickly, believing it's true love when it's actually only a temporary pain reliever. The healthiest thing for you and your ex to do would be for both of you to be on your own for at least a year before you meet again.

Absolutely true! He has tried to date before I contacted him, if that matters at all.

I was thinking about this today, how I didn't want it to be a rebound. I want to tell him that I cannot see him again until he is past the divorce, which who knows how long it would take. I still care so much for him. This is a tough one. I'm still talking to him, but I think that it would be a good idea to cool it down some. I want to be a friend to him, as I've told him, but I do not want to be a rebound. He wouldn't be a rebound for me as I have thought of him many times over the years and wanted to reconnect, but was afraid to. The catalyst just made me say screw it, contact him regardless of the fear. I feel like it was supposed to happen like this, that I was supposed to contact him during this awful time. I know it's crazy, but what is the likelihood be that he would be going through all this right now after 7 years of no contact by me? I don't want to mess it up.
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Old 24th September 2017, 10:56 AM   #4
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He's the same

We decided to meet. He's the same Jay I remember. It's weird. It's like no time has passed even though it's been 7 years. He stayed with me this weekend and God it was good to see him. Just talking to him again floods me with the feelings from before. I don't know where this will go, but I'm feeling happy in this moment.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 7:22 PM   #5
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Exclamation 3 Months Later

So Jay and I have been talking just about everyday and seeing each other when we can during this time. I'm at a crossroads here. I am trying to take it at a snail's pace and be friendly during his divorce. I really do care about him, but I'm not sure what to say or do here.

So apparently Jay has issues with depression that I had no idea about 7 years ago. He was good at hiding them. He has really opened up to me about these issues in the last 3 months. He's really opened up about a lot of things with me in the last 3 months as well as his love for me. I know that the divorce is not easy and it is hurting him to be going through it. It's just weird. It's like he is 2 people with me: open and loving one minute and distant the next. I'm not sure if this is because of the depression, or the divorce, or both, or something else entirely. I think about telling him that I just want a friendship with him and nothing more but then I doubt that's what I want because of how I feel about him and then I worry about him a lot. I wonder how he would take me coming back into his life and then leaving again. When he's open and loving I am on top of the world with him and I never want to leave him again. He's fun and sweet and everything I remember about him. When he is distant he ignores some texts I am constantly wondering if I did or said something to make him be this way. I'm never really sure which Jay I will talk to from one day to the next.

What would you do in my shoes? Advice appreciated.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:35 PM   #6
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First of all, consider that this hot and cold Jay could be one of the reasons he's getting divorced. Could you imagine living with someone who is like this?! I couldn't.

And if you can't imagine living with it, please reconsider dating him. Also, given the mixed feelings and complicated history between you, if you don't want him as a boyfriend, don't string him along keeping him as a friend.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 9:08 PM   #7
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First of all, consider that this hot and cold Jay could be one of the reasons he's getting divorced. Could you imagine living with someone who is like this?! I couldn't.

And if you can't imagine living with it, please reconsider dating him. Also, given the mixed feelings and complicated history between you, if you don't want him as a boyfriend, don't string him along keeping him as a friend.
I actually didn't consider this as a divorce factor but now that you say that, I'm wondering if it is. I only have mixed feelings when he is distant and I feel that's a self preservation thing because I do care for Jay a lot.

Thanks for the advice.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:10 PM   #8
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Still here....

December has proven to be a tough month for the both of us but especially him. I won't go into too much detail but he has had several court dates to do with the divorce and hasn't been contacting me as much as he was when we first started. I have been "leaning back" and letting him have space during this time too because I feel like we both need it. I don't want to overwhelm him either. We've seen each other about once a month since August. I just visited him for Christmas, too. We actually had our first argument this weekend. We've never had one before but I think that it brought us closer because he acted more affectionate towards me and more readily accepted my affection the next day. He's never really been an affectionate guy, even 8 years ago he wasn't.

I guess I'm just wondering how often you guys think second chances like this actually work out. Is there anything I can do to make it more likely to work out? Advice?
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:34 PM   #9
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I do think that second chances can work, but maybe that is the romantic in me.

I think that there is a lot of baggage in his history and I do think it is going to put a lot of strain on the relationship.

Good luck OP
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Old 27th December 2017, 9:13 AM   #10
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I do think that second chances can work, but maybe that is the romantic in me.

I think that there is a lot of baggage in his history and I do think it is going to put a lot of strain on the relationship.

Good luck OP
There is a lot of baggage in this relationship, although I think and feel he is worth it to me. I feel like everyone brings a certain amount of baggage into a relationship anyway, especially once you've been married and are almost 40. That's life.

We had our first argument after knowing each other 8 years ago, and we are definitely past the honeymoon period of reconnecting. We have always been able to talk to each other. That argument brought out a lot of the insecurities we both have about this, although it was unintentional. Basically, he's afraid of me leaving again and I need reassurance in this. For now, I'm leaning back and letting him come to me. At least I am trying to.
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Old 29th December 2017, 2:04 PM   #11
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And on top of all this, he's 12 hours away. So it's a LDR (if you can even call it that). I'm hopeful for us, but I am also a realist. What keeps me around is the fact that we have a history, I know him, and I love him. The only reason we didn't keep in touch for those years was because of me. He tried to keep in contact. I shut him out. I needed to heal after he made his choice. He constantly brings up the fact that I left him and that he lost me for a long time. He genuinely seems afraid that he will lose me again, even after I've reassured him that I care about him and I'm going nowhere. The biggest change that I've noticed in him in the last 4 months compared to 8 years ago is his willingness to be open with me and tell me how he is feeling, although he still has some trouble in this sometimes. He reaches out to me when he has problems, with the exception of that night we had our argument. Even after that he expressed that I needn't worry about it that everything was fine. The holidays have been brutal on him. He's always disliked the holidays because of his upbringing, but this year has been harder on him because of the divorce and lack of seeing his child. The divorce is getting really nasty. I'm about 99% sure that there is no chance for reconciliation between them (the 1% is only because they have a child together). He's feeling hurt and betrayed by what's going on, I can tell. She's using the child against him. It's bringing up all kinds of emotions in him and I'm torn between being a friend and being a lover. How can I be both? I guess I'm just needing a place or a person to vent to about this myself. I'm such a feeler for those I care for. Sometimes I feel like I feel or care way too much. I feel that I'm too far into this to get out, too. Half of me wants to find someone else, preferably closer and not going through a divorce, and the other half of me wants to stick this out and see where it goes.

This certainly seems to fit a lot of different threads, how do you choose the most appropriate one?! (Second Chances, LDR, Friends and Lovers, maybe even Other Man/Woman)

Anyone else gone through anything like what I am going through or have words of encouragement or advice or anything else?

Last edited by Samantha.Leo; 29th December 2017 at 2:08 PM.. Reason: Adding a line
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:16 PM   #12
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Ask yourself the question:

Is he or you ready for a HEALTHY relationship?

This up and down and you having feelings for him after 7-years w/o any knowledge of whether he is emotionally prepared is worrisome. You both need to be at your optimal, emotionally, to go into something like this. You don't want to get deeper into a relationship and discover that neither or one of you is ready to maintain a healthy relationship.

Be cautious.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:12 PM   #13
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2nd chances can work depending on the circumstances and the history. Unfortunately I don't think the history or the circumstances surrounding this relationship are very good.

First of all the history is that he originally chose another woman over you. Doesn't matter that she was his ex. He wasn't married to her, he had no obligations to her. He weighed his options and decided that he wanted her more than he wanted you. There should be no second chance after that.

Then the circumstances. He is in the middle of a divorce and he is long distance. People going through divorce are bad relationship material. They will latch onto someone else in a heartbeat and declare it true love. They probably even believe that's love but they are actually in no emotional state to know what it is. They have so many feelings to sort out and often times after they start to feel better they decide that they don't really want another serious relationship. If he's between the ages of about 35-50 and even somewhat good looking and successful he is going to be very desirable to women in his age group. There is going to be a strong possibility that he will want to play the field a bit before he settles down again. Why do you know the details of his divorce and about what his ex is doing? He shouldn't be sharing that with you. A new relationship shouldn't start out by listening to one person's divorce and ex woes. That's not healthy. I fear that he is using you and an emotional crutch. Not maliciously but selfishly.

And the distance. What is the end game? When he's done grieving his marriage (which can take a year or two) he is not going to want to continue a long distance relationship (or then again he might as it will free him up to play around) so how do you bridge that gap. Are you going to move to him? Doesn't sound right for him to move to you because he has a child he has to parent. I say you need to tread very lightly and remain realistic.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:20 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Samantha.Leo View Post
And on top of all this, he's 12 hours away. So it's a LDR (if you can even call it that). I'm hopeful for us, but I am also a realist. What keeps me around is the fact that we have a history, I know him, and I love him. The only reason we didn't keep in touch for those years was because of me. He tried to keep in contact. I shut him out. I needed to heal after he made his choice. He constantly brings up the fact that I left him and that he lost me for a long time. He genuinely seems afraid that he will lose me again, even after I've reassured him that I care about him and I'm going nowhere. The biggest change that I've noticed in him in the last 4 months compared to 8 years ago is his willingness to be open with me and tell me how he is feeling, although he still has some trouble in this sometimes. He reaches out to me when he has problems, with the exception of that night we had our argument. Even after that he expressed that I needn't worry about it that everything was fine. The holidays have been brutal on him. He's always disliked the holidays because of his upbringing, but this year has been harder on him because of the divorce and lack of seeing his child. The divorce is getting really nasty. I'm about 99% sure that there is no chance for reconciliation between them (the 1% is only because they have a child together). He's feeling hurt and betrayed by what's going on, I can tell. She's using the child against him. It's bringing up all kinds of emotions in him and I'm torn between being a friend and being a lover. How can I be both? I guess I'm just needing a place or a person to vent to about this myself. I'm such a feeler for those I care for. Sometimes I feel like I feel or care way too much. I feel that I'm too far into this to get out, too. Half of me wants to find someone else, preferably closer and not going through a divorce, and the other half of me wants to stick this out and see where it goes.

This certainly seems to fit a lot of different threads, how do you choose the most appropriate one?! (Second Chances, LDR, Friends and Lovers, maybe even Other Man/Woman)

Anyone else gone through anything like what I am going through or have words of encouragement or advice or anything else?
Seriously? He has the audacity to tell you that you left him? After he chose another woman over you? and he makes this ridiculous accusation as a way to say he doesn't really trust you? LOLOLOLLOLOL...OH MY, so funny. The nerve of him! And you also seem to agree with this absurdity. Of course you cut him off after he went back to his ex. That's what any normal healthy woman would do. Married or committed men have no business staying in contact with their ex squeezes. It's disgusting and selfish that he was still trying to hold on to you after he chose to go back to his ex. That he is accusing you of leaving him is outrageous and it really gives you a window into his self entitled mind. I'm beginning to see why his marriage failed.

He constantly brings up that you left him? After he chose another? Good grief. HE LEFT YOU!! Make no mistake about that. HE CHOSE another woman over YOU. How dare he accuse you of leaving him. You are blinded by love or neediness or something if you don't see what is seriously wrong with his perception.

Last edited by anika99; 29th December 2017 at 5:23 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:30 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
Ask yourself the question:

Is he or you ready for a HEALTHY relationship?

This up and down and you having feelings for him after 7-years w/o any knowledge of whether he is emotionally prepared is worrisome. You both need to be at your optimal, emotionally, to go into something like this. You don't want to get deeper into a relationship and discover that neither or one of you is ready to maintain a healthy relationship.

Be cautious.
Thank you for responding. I thought I was ready for a healthy relationship until I opened that door again. I guess I still have work to do. I don't know, I'm feeling really emotional about it all today and I don't know why. I want to let it go but I'm afraid to.
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