Exhausted by wife's PA

[Friskyone4u]

Beneath,

 

Please notice something I pointed out to you before. Not one poster here differs much at all in their analysis, based on unfortunate experience, that your wife is playing you and she is still deeply in this affair. And now that D Day has come, you are NOT the poor unsuspecting spouse any more, but you are now the enabler.

 

She is going to continue to cheat on you until she cannot any more if she wants to stay married to you. And you have a whole lot of crap you need to do AFTER you stop the affair, so I am not even going there now.

 

You said you were taking control of things. None of us see it, so clue us in. What wise see is her cake eating, emotionally and probably still sexually in contact with her boyfriend, and you in another location waiting for the axe to fall or to be chosen. That is no way to handle this.

[spanz1]

You might want to purchase two VARs (voice-activated recorders). One you will put in the car that she drives to work. This will record the intimate conversations they're still having and their plans to meet up for sex. The other VAR will stay on your person so that you can record your interactions with her. This will help you defend yourself in the event of a false domestic claim she might advance against you.

.

 

hmmmm. why bother. he KNOWS she was cheating. and he knows why: he blew her off emotionally and sexually. his obsessing about it now is just more of the same behavior that drove her into the arms of another man.

 

IF he can live with her past cheating and really wants to reconcile, they BOTH have a lot of heavy lifting to do. The marriage counseling is a good idea. but he needs to give her the space, time, and freedom to figure this all out and see if SHE really wants to reconcile. Once a woman falls out of love with a man, it USUALLY is over for good. She fell out of love with him. He needs to see if that can change.

 

She keeps contacting the guy because she has not decided if she wants him or the other guy. She might have totally checked out, and it was just an exit affair..

 

We all know he should NOT play the "choose me" game with her. but he needs to give her the space to decide on the marriage or not. I think a separation could be a good idea....kind of like a stark slap in the face saying "ok, here is what life without me being your husband will be like...do you really want this, or are you willing to give up on this other guy forever, and re-commit to making the marrige work again?"

Edited September 22, 2017 by spanz1

[harrybrown]

agreed -

 

stop the pick me dance and file for D.

 

also expose to her work. Give her the D papers at work.

[wmacbride]

op,

I'm going to give you some slightly different advice, it may be good, it may be crap, but I do hope it's helpful.

 

First off, I would suggest you take some time for yourself to figure out what you want. I know there may be a temptation to say " I want to go back to the ways things were", and that's okay. It's normal to wish to go back to a more happier time before all the affair crap.

 

The problem is even if your ww came back today and begged to stay, said she had learned from her mistakes and wanted to come back, do you think you could really believe that?

 

I'm not saying every ws is doomed to cheat again, as that's obviously not the case. The thing is for a ws to be in a place where they can say that, they have to be extremely self aware, and I just don't think that applies to your wife.

 

In your shoes and situation, I would invite her out for dinner to talk, making sure I had planned out what I was going to say. I would tell her, in as calm a way as I could, that you know she isn't happy, and you are setting her free to explore single life, and you will do the same. it's not about being mean or cruel to her, it's about protecting yourself.

 

Right now, I expect she figures she can come back home at any time, and the marriage will pick up right where it left off. She doesn't understand that for you, that isn't going to happen. Once she does, she may well beg, cry and plead for another chance.

 

Don't give it to her. Again in your shoes, I would calmly tell he that, only after she had had some therapy and has proven she is a changed person will you consider reconciling, and that even if you do take her back, it's going to be a long road before you an trust her again. In the meantime, you are going to go about your life as you see fit.

 

If she is really serious about making those changes, she will be happy to do the work needed, and your marriage may well come out the other side better and stronger. If she whines, gripes, tries to turn it around to be your fault she cheated, you'll know she has leaned nothing and it's time to move on.

 

If you have hit the wall and don't want to bother trying anymore,that's okay too, You do what feels right for you.

 

Whatever happens, you will survive and thrive.

 

One more thing. If she tries to have sex with you, as tempting as it might be, DO NOT DO IT. If you can't stop yourself, make sure you use protection that is as fail proof as possible. Sometimes a desperate woman will try the "i'm pregnant" trick to keep so the guy feels he has to put up with their crappy behavior for the sake of their child. don't fall into that trap. It could well mean heartache for you, her and the unfortunate child who was purposely brought into the middle of the whole mess.

[S2B]

What's the update? Anything new?

[JS84]

Stop talking to her.

 

Stop the pick me dance.

 

Stop waiting for her to decide what she wants to do and make the decision to control your own life.

 

Stop threats, ultimatums, bargains, sending her reading marriage material, and especially stop marriage counseling.

 

Have her served with divorce papers at work, no warning.

 

Like others said you're just setting yourself up for D-Day #2. You've alluded to some vague sense that the affair is over but I seriously doubt that. Especially now that she's out of the house and works with the guy.

 

You made a lot of mistakes from the start which is understandable, plenty of people make the same mistakes. Women do not respect weak men. And besides telling her not to come back home (which is a double edged sword and in your case I wouldn't have recommended it) you've done little to show any strength. Your wife is pretty much walking all over you and you've been allowing it. She did one of the most disrespectful things you can do to a spouse and many of your actions have caused her to lose even MORE respect for you. That makes reconciliation that much harder.

 

I can tell you after reading through these situations for 4 and a half years now, the most successful reconciliations are the ones where the BS doesn't act out of fear, begging, groveling, and doing the pick me dance but the ones who take action needed to get themselves out of infidelity. Sometimes that means losing the marriage in the end, sometimes not.

 

Actions speak far louder than words. You want to wake your wife up?? Go no contact, have her served with divorce papers at work. No warning. When the consequences of her actions start to become more real, you'll have a much better idea of whether reconciliation is possible. But for now?? All you've done is given her free range to be with her boyfriend. And again if you think the affair is over you are sorely mistaken.

 

Not trying to come down on you but you need a good 2x4. I still don't think you're getting it.

[merrmeade]

I guess I should clarify. She has been in NC with OM, but has slipped. She told me that she wanted him to apologize. I believe she is just trapped somewhere in the middle and I need to put a clock on the fence sitting and hit her with an ultimatum.

 

The MC's comment about my roadblock was based on very vulgar and spiteful text I should not have sent, no matter how truthful of a place it came from.

 

She has been in touch, talking about doing the right things, wanting to stay away until her feels for him subside, as I told her to do that. At this point I think she is more afraid of the big steps she needs to make, and this is based on her behavior.

beneath, I'm going to try again to get through to you. In spite of the fact that you ignored our MANY warnings about MC and still give her margin and excuse lapses.

 

The MC has to find fault with you both to be "fair." . But this post from another thread is the one a piece of advice that all by itself answers every question, decision, question, dilemma or indecisiveness for the vacillating BS:

 

So to all who are going through this Hell, let me tell you to always think about yourself first...keep your dignity...and don't fall into trap that it is your fault. So...stay strong and years after your situation has been resolved, it is my hope that you will feel you stayed true to yourself and whatever the outcome, you feel peace in your soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

Edited September 23, 2017 by merrmeade

[BruceWayne21]

If she truly loved you she would have remained faithful.

[eric1]

You are completely underestimating their ability to stay in contact at work.