Exhausted by wife's PA

[whichwayisup]

Thanks folks. The pitiful behavior from me is over. This is the only woman I have ever loved, so it was very hard for me. The pain opened up other recent traumas I have experienced, so it all just came to a head.

 

When she came home yesterday, I was calm and collected. I told her to stay at her brother's as long as needed and not to come back until she had some way to prove a commitment to this marriage. I also told her she needed to inform her parents. She still wanted to attend MC this week, where I will steer the topic back onto the affair.

 

Either way, I feel better in control of myself, and feel okay about myself at this point.

 

I do believe the affair has ended; I have very firm reasons to believe this at this time. What I do worry about is how easy it would be for a relapse with OM still in close proximity. I guess right now in the waiting game.

 

She has been showing true remorse and regret for weeks now, and has followed through with all the things I needed to reconcile, but it's the job that is the stumbling point at the moment.

 

The physical part of the A might be over but the emotional part isn't. Every time they look at one another or talk it feeds feelings. That's why her quitting is so important and going total NC.

 

Don't beat yourself up about your tears and the pain you're feeling. Cry when you need to - Just don't do it around her. Last thing you want is to show any emotion to her. Act cool as cucumber and distant/detached. This gives YOU power over her too!

[whichwayisup]

I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

 

As I said, I do believe the affair is "over" (in that they are currently and have not been involved since I found out), but my wife still admits feelings for OM, and is honest with me about how easy a relapse could be for her. Her honesty in this, ironically, did restore a little trust in me, as she was forthright with the addictive quality of the affair.

 

OM's mother does work at the same place. Apparently she had pulled OM and WW aside to discuss how inappropriate their relationship was (she believe their relationship was just a flirty, nebulous EA, not a full blown PA) and that they needed to stop. I have been thinking about contacting her to inform her. Would this be a grave mistake? I don't mean in any vindictive fashion, but to simply let her know that I am aware.

 

Not at all! Do it! Expose the affair.

 

 

Bolded: Again all the more reason why your wife has to quit this job. Or ask for a transfer if possible so she won't be the same location as the exOM.

 

Is the OM single or is he married too?

[Buckeye2]

I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

 

"Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com

also

 

Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE

attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

 

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

 

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback."

 

weightlifter

[beneath]

Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?

[Marc878]

Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?

 

Exposure is your best chance to stop this. You are not in reconciliation.

 

She moved out rather than try and work this out. You're still in denial of what you're dealing with.

 

Trying to wait it out or nice her back won't work.

 

You are letting your fear control you like most at this point.

 

What do you really have to lose? Something you though you had but dudnt.

 

You are playing her game by her rules. Try going your own way.

[merrmeade]

Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?

You cannot ruin reconciliation; it is all up to her. You have nothing to prove; she has everything.

 

Exposing will make her face what she's done with no opportunity to minimize or twist the truth.

[Marc878]

For your sake I hope you wake up.

 

You came here for a reason and everyone here has seen this many times before.

 

Advice will do nothing for you if you don't apply it.

 

Exposure all at once without warning.

 

Do it by asking everyone to help you save your marriage if that's what you seek?

[beneath]

I just did something good, I'm making the rules now.

[Marc878]

I just did something good, I'm making the rules now.

 

Good, get your mojo back man.

 

We're pulling for you but you must get out and stay out of the victim chair.

 

You don't have a lot of time invested. Bring it on!!!!!!

[WilyWill]

Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?

 

Explain to her that you don't trust her and she's going to have to work hard to rebuild that trust. That's why she needs another set of eyes on her.

 

Remember on the altar when she promised, in front of God, to love you and remain faithful? She broke that promise. Explain to her that the more recent promise--the one she made in the living room in front of the TV--is even less convincing than the first promise.

 

Any progress on the VAR? The Sony models are excellent and only cost around $50.

[Marc878]

I just did something good, I'm making the rules now.

 

What? You keeping us in suspense?

 

I do believe you maybe getting this now. Ha!

[Friskyone4u]

Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?

 

Beneath, there is your problem in a n it's hell. Your wife is still working with her boyfriend 8-10 hours a day, still "pining" for him and tells you how easy it will be to restart the physical affair ( the emotional one is ongoing and my bet is so is the physical part). And what are you concerned about????? Ruining reconciliation.??? WRONG ANSWER!!!!

 

You need to be concerned about

(1) giving her a clear cut choice with no wiggle room and no wavering time to get this OM. Out of her life for good and be able to verify it

(2) getting the truth, not the watered down version you are getting now

(3) protecting yourself and your assets

 

Right now you DO NOT have a marriage to reconcile . You have a one sided open relationship with nothing verifiable to point to other than the words of someone who has lived repeatedly to you. Until you understand that, you will not get this right.

 

It is her job to convince you through actions, NOT words, that she is fully committed to YOU. That means no more longing for boyfriend and that will only happen quicker if she actually believes you are about to pull the plug on her.

 

But before you even get there, you need to polygraph her because with them still working together there is no way at all to verify what they are doing or saying. My guess is she will resemble Casper The Ghost when you DEMAND this, and that will tell you a lot right there.

 

She is doing nothing but giving you lip service because she has no fear of losing you at all.

 

So stop worrying about destroying chances of R and start worrying about insuring you have the truth about this affair.

[usa1ah]

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

[beneath]

What? You keeping us in suspense?

 

I do believe you maybe getting this now. Ha!

 

I informed the mother. WW called later, told her mother had a right to know, didn't care if it bothered her, it was result of her choice.

 

She told her parents on her own, no embellishing or lies, pretty straight forward, at least what has been communicated to me by folks besides herself.

 

Sent her multiple links (she requested them) about how to reconcile the marriage, told her to take those to heart and be ready to go that route.

 

Told her I wouldn't ask, probe, or talk to her about us. Anything she wanted to discuss would be on her. She was silent for a few minutes, I told her bye and we hung up. Haven't heard from her since.

[40somethingGuy]

I informed the mother. WW called later, told her mother had a right to know, didn't care if it bothered her, it was result of her choice.

 

She told her parents on her own, no embellishing or lies, pretty straight forward, at least what has been communicated to me by folks besides herself.

 

Sent her multiple links (she requested them) about how to reconcile the marriage, told her to take those to heart and be ready to go that route.

 

Told her I wouldn't ask, probe, or talk to her about us. Anything she wanted to discuss would be on her. She was silent for a few minutes, I told her bye and we hung up. Haven't heard from her since.

 

Even though my WW has basically behaved and I hated the thought of essentially paying her cuz she decided to venture outside the marriage with a huge hairy lard of fat I still regret not telling her to pound sand. At least I still have my kids and money. But if I get the chance to cheat I won't feel bad.

[Marc878]

I would take some time before offering R. It takes 2-5 years and she would have to carry the bigger load.

 

You do not want to go through a false R!!!!!!!!!

 

Make no mistake. If they continue work together and have contact this won't end well.

 

Forge ahead and go your own way. If she's committed she'll follow. If not you're better off ending this.

[usa1ah]

beneath, what are you trying to save?

 

The woman and marriage you thought you had are gone and will never come back.

 

Who are you in love with the woman you married or this thing that openly cheated at work with a co worker. Everyone at her job knew what was going on. The OM's mother was blinded because it involved her son.

 

So what are you trying to save?

 

Memories from the past, hopes for the future with a wife that is true.

 

The marriage you had has burned to ashes.

 

Do you really want to start down the new road with someone you can't trust?

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off, you may as well cancel MC. If she is still in contact with the OM then MC is a waste of time. She's showing you she's not as committed to reconciling this as you are. If she was 100% remorseful for what she has done, then she wouldn't want contact with the OM as he is the reason for her shame.

 

I liked that you exposed to the OM mother, guys don't like mom's thinking that their son's are breaking up marriages. However, I wouldn't have told her that you exposed to the OM mother. I would have waited and if she started blowing up my phone with, "How could you tell that poor lady....blah...blah..." Well, there would be only one reason why she would do that, and that's if she's still in contact with the OM.

 

And your MC sucks. Stating that you getting upset is only throwing up "Road blocks" in your healing? You were betrayed! You are going to have those feelings and those feeling need to come out! Not bottled up! You are on a roller coaster of emotions. That is an actual thing and it is NORMAL to have these feelings! One minute you're fine, the next minute you're mad as hell. One minute you're laughing, the next minute you're crying. One minute you can't see a life without her, the next minute you can't stand to look at her. Lot's of ups and downs. But, here's the rub, no one knows how long this roller coaster ride is going to last. Now, wayward spouses that dedicate themselves to reconciling will ride this roller coaster with you and endure all the crap that comes along with it. Where is your spouse right now? Out the door and nowhere to be seen.

 

I think you have a lot of thinking to do, dude.

[beneath]

Okay, first off, you may as well cancel MC. If she is still in contact with the OM then MC is a waste of time. She's showing you she's not as committed to reconciling this as you are. If she was 100% remorseful for what she has done, then she wouldn't want contact with the OM as he is the reason for her shame.

 

I liked that you exposed to the OM mother, guys don't like mom's thinking that their son's are breaking up marriages. However, I wouldn't have told her that you exposed to the OM mother. I would have waited and if she started blowing up my phone with, "How could you tell that poor lady....blah...blah..." Well, there would be only one reason why she would do that, and that's if she's still in contact with the OM.

 

And your MC sucks. Stating that you getting upset is only throwing up "Road blocks" in your healing? You were betrayed! You are going to have those feelings and those feeling need to come out! Not bottled up! You are on a roller coaster of emotions. That is an actual thing and it is NORMAL to have these feelings! One minute you're fine, the next minute you're mad as hell. One minute you're laughing, the next minute you're crying. One minute you can't see a life without her, the next minute you can't stand to look at her. Lot's of ups and downs. But, here's the rub, no one knows how long this roller coaster ride is going to last. Now, wayward spouses that dedicate themselves to reconciling will ride this roller coaster with you and endure all the crap that comes along with it. Where is your spouse right now? Out the door and nowhere to be seen.

 

I think you have a lot of thinking to do, dude.

I guess I should clarify. She has been in NC with OM, but has slipped. She told me that she wanted him to apologize. I believe she is just trapped somewhere in the middle and I need to put a clock on the fence sitting and hit her with an ultimatum.

 

The MC's comment about my roadblock was based on very vulgar and spiteful text I should not have sent, no matter how truthful of a place it came from.

 

She has been in touch, talking about doing the right things, wanting to stay away until her feels for him subside, as I told her to do that. At this point I think she is more afraid of the big steps she needs to make, and this is based on her behavior.

[drifter777]

I see no mention of the two of you having children together. If this is the case, stop all this nonsense and divorce. You say she is the only woman you've ever loved and all that means is you haven't gone out into the world without her by your side. Compared to what you have endured, what you are enduring right now, and the long, painful road that reconciliation truly is, you BOTH will be much better off divorcing and moving on with your lives.

 

The worst thing about reconciliation is that the emotional investment, anger and frustration are enormous and it is very likely to end up in divorce or an unhappy married life anyway. I don't advise reconciliation for a BH if he has kids but I understand that he might have to try it. I also understand that he may choose to live unhappily ever after with his WW for the sake of the family. But when there are no kids in the picture anything other than divorce is foolish.

 

I'm sure you think what I'm saying is extreme and that your situation is "different" but I can assure you that my advice is sound.

[Friskyone4u]

I guess I should clarify. She has been in NC with OM, but has slipped. She told me that she wanted him to apologize. I believe she is just trapped somewhere in the middle and I need to put a clock on the fence sitting and hit her with an ultimatum.

 

The MC's comment about my roadblock was based on very vulgar and spiteful text I should not have sent, no matter how truthful of a place it came from.

 

She has been in touch, talking about doing the right things, wanting to stay away until her feels for him subside, as I told her to do that. At this point I think she is more afraid of the big steps she needs to make, and this is based on her behavior.

 

Beneath,

 

Stop worrying about her mother. Eventually, her mother will support her daughter, no matter what she does or does not do.

What you have done by telling her to stay away until she has no feelings for OM is giving her a free pass to carry on this affair or restart it if she wants to and you will sit there waiting for HER to decide.

 

You need to start making the decisions, the first one being taking the steps to convince her that time is up and that the you are not going to be sitting there waiting for HER decision. She is not slipping up. She is talking to Om and feeding you a load of crap about the reasons and you are swallowing it hook line and sinker.

 

So far, you have not mentioned leaving the job, not mentioned exposing to his wife or girlfriend ( do not tell her), or done anything but tell her to take her time and let you know if you are going to be lucky enough to have her.

 

My guess is the majority of people reading this and posting are pretty sure what is going to happen next. And that is going to be D Day #2, because you are not taking the advice other than not having her around. All that is accomplishing is giving her the freedom to do what she wants without you knowing a damm thing.

 

If you want to get yourself out of this with some dignity, tell her she is NOT ever coming back until she passers a polygraph proving that she is not still having sex with him or any inappropriate contact. My bet is she will go off the deep end because she knows she will fail.

 

You thread title says you are vegetation g tired. Apparently not tired enough to knock her ass into reality with some consequences.

[pheonixrisen]

Beneath ...i don't think you had the power to stop her moving out...it was already decided by her to move to brother home ..you just added to it by asking her to not come back till she decided to recommit .

 

You are not in reconciliation .And your wayward wife still controls the situation...its like you are telling her take your time do your thing and come back when you are ready .

 

Your wife is still in contact with the om.you are going to find that out sooner or later .you will be looking at Dday no 2 .

 

Wayward spouse who are remorseful don't leave thier home .only the ones who want to continue the affair do.

 

Do take time to read the 180 rule to help you cope emotionally .

[Marc878]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

 

Read up

[S2B]

Take away her choices!

 

File for divorce now. Either she will get on board or she won't!

 

At least you'll have a quick answer.

 

 

Stop bowing down to her bad behavior. Don't be nice at all. She deserves you to be mean!

 

 

You can't repair a thing while she's still chasing after and protecting and seeing her OM.

[BluesPower]

Take away her choices!

 

File for divorce now. Either she will get on board or she won't!

 

At least you'll have a quick answer.

 

Stop bowing down to her bad behavior. Don't be nice at all. She deserves you to be mean!

 

You can't repair a thing while she's still chasing after and protecting and seeing her OM.

 

My friend...

 

I don't have time to give you my usual speech. If you need that look up my old posts. Or maybe someone can fill some of this in...

 

Your wife is and has been lying to you from the very start. You are being so weak it is pitiful.

 

These are your step if you have not taken them yet. Kick her out of the house if you can or leave.

 

File for divorce at once.

 

Listen to what these people are telling you.

 

Buddy, she is playing you. She has been playing you.

 

It is time to cut her loose. You have nothing to reconcile.

 

It really is time to be a MAN...

 

If you think I am wrong, take the time to read some of my other post to men like you and see how many times I was wrong... Hint - 0 times.

 

You need to move on today...