stillafool Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 What type of woman is that? One with loose morals. Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie1 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I was an OW. I'm not quite ready to post my story but Veronica..please..I'm begging you. Please don't go down this path. I went through all the same rationalizations you did when I got into my affair. I didn't make vows to her If he was happy in his marriage, he wouldn't pursue me I deserve to be happy (even if it's at someone else's expense) Please..don't do this to yourself. I am very nearly suicidal because of my involvement in an affair. It's not worth it. To anyone. I will post my story when I am ready but for now all I can say is..don't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veronica73 Posted September 10, 2017 Author Share Posted September 10, 2017 (edited) Hi pumpkin pie. Thank you for your concern and warning. And I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Hang in there. Things will get better. I'm not going to do anything with him. I keep saying that. And I don't think I've used any rationalizations that would indicate that I think it would be okay for me to pursue it. I admit I am attracted to him and it was exciting, and so I see the need to avoid him and make sure I'm not ever alone with him so that I'm sure I don't get myself into a tempting situation. When I was saying I'm not the one who made vows, it was in response to the accusation that I am more culpable than he was. That's just nuts. And I don't really give a rat's ass if he or other people think I'm a woman of loose morals. I know I'm not, and people who know me know I'm not. (And I'd be curious to know why he would assume I'm a woman of loose morals, since we just met!) Edited September 10, 2017 by Veronica73 Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie1 Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Hi pumpkin pie. Thank you for your concern and warning. And I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Hang in there. Things will get better. I'm not going to do anything with him. I keep saying that. And I don't think I've used any rationalizations that would indicate that I think it would be okay for me to pursue it. I admit I am attracted to him and it was exciting, and so I see the need to avoid him and make sure I'm not ever alone with him so that I'm sure I don't get myself into a tempting situation. When I was saying I'm not the one who made vows, it was in response to the accusation that I am more culpable than he was. That's just nuts. And I don't really give a rat's ass if he or other people think I'm a woman of loose morals. I know I'm not, and people who know me know I'm not. (And I'd be curious to know why he would assume I'm a woman of loose morals, since we just met!) Thanks..but I'm not sure it will. 'I'm not the one who made vows to her' is indeed a cheaters rationalization..and a common one. I'm not accusing you of anything..I'm just saying that it's a slippery slope. Those were my first thoughts too. And now I'm wondering if I deserve to live after what I've done. Cheating is a morality rabbit hole. Every rationalization I used made me fall further down..and in the end I fell way, way down it. I'm so angry at myself for what I did. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. I'm not sure I deserve it. I know you're feeling defensive and accused on this website, but people are only trying to shock you into understanding the truth of what you briefly considered embarking upon. Please stop rationalizing. It's not ok..it's never ok to hook up with a married person. It's horrific. It's a train wreck. It's a disaster. It will only hurt everyone involved. Change your mindset. It's not ok that you allowed him to kiss you. It would not be ok to kiss another married man. It's never ok. I want to effing die to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Really, now I can only think available men are hot? I do have some self control. I'm not an animal, and I don't have such a low opinion of men that I think they are all animals who can't control themselves. I'm sure his wife is well aware that her husband is hot. Good lord people. I really do appreciate the warnings, and personal anecdotes and telling me what to watch out for. And I suppose some people are angels who have never done anything wrong and it makes them feel good to judge other people. I'm a reasonably attractive woman in my 40's who has been dating since I was 15 or so. I was married for 10 years. I have never cheated on anyone. And I have never touched anyone else's partner, despite plenty of them coming onto me, until last week for 1second. My referral was to the married man who you think is hot, not single men. You kissed him knowing full well he's married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veronica73 Posted September 11, 2017 Author Share Posted September 11, 2017 (edited) I know it's not okay. I never said it was okay. I never even thought it was okay. Just because I don't think I'm MORE culpable than the dude who made promises to the woman he loves and built a life with and risked it for a meaningless encounter with a woman he doesn't even know, doesn't mean that I think what I did is okay. I guess we're all going to have to agree to disagree on that one. Unless somebody can explain to me how I'm more culpable than he was. Which so far nobody has. I hope someday you learn how to forgive yourself. It's not going to help anything to hate yourself. Become a different person who wouldn't make those same choices. You deserve to have a good life. My referral was to the married man who you think is hot, not single men. You kissed him knowing full well he's married. I know...? Available = single. Not available = married or has a partner. But lots of people think married men are hot. There is even that phenomenon I've heard of that men get hit on more often once they have a wedding ring on. George Clooney is still hot even though he's married now. Maybe even more so because he seems less like a player now. As long as you don't act on it there's nothing wrong with thinking it. Which I did, which was wrong, which I KNOW. Edited September 11, 2017 by Veronica73 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 I think you need to look into yourself and figure out why it was exciting to you. A married man trying to come onto me is replusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Thanks..but I'm not sure it will. 'I'm not the one who made vows to her' is indeed a cheaters rationalization..and a common one. I'm not accusing you of anything..I'm just saying that it's a slippery slope. Those were my first thoughts too. And now I'm wondering if I deserve to live after what I've done. Cheating is a morality rabbit hole. Every rationalization I used made me fall further down..and in the end I fell way, way down it. I'm so angry at myself for what I did. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. I'm not sure I deserve it. I know you're feeling defensive and accused on this website, but people are only trying to shock you into understanding the truth of what you briefly considered embarking upon. Please stop rationalizing. It's not ok..it's never ok to hook up with a married person. It's horrific. It's a train wreck. It's a disaster. It will only hurt everyone involved. Change your mindset. It's not ok that you allowed him to kiss you. It would not be ok to kiss another married man. It's never ok. I want to effing die to be honest. Hugs. You seem to be taking upon too much of guilt. Go easy on yourself . You have clearly realized what is wrong and you wont do it again... Some mistakes are waay to big to cover up with 'mistakes happen' and affair is one of them. But no repeating it again is the best making up you can do and its good enough. So you are still good now that you will follow the 'not ever again' path . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veronica73 Posted September 11, 2017 Author Share Posted September 11, 2017 I think you need to look into yourself and figure out why it was exciting to you. A married man trying to come onto me is replusive. This isn't the first time a married man has come onto me and I never liked it before. This was the first time I liked it. Also, depending on what sources you're looking at, something like 25-70% of married men have cheated, so it's not exactly unusual to be attracted to a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 This isn't the first time a married man has come onto me and I never liked it before. This was the first time I liked it. Also, depending on what sources you're looking at, something like 25-70% of married men have cheated, so it's not exactly unusual to be attracted to a married man. I agree that just because a man is married doesn't make him unattractive. But what makes him unattractive is him being married and pursuing another woman that is not his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 I am married 12 years. I do come across men who I think are good looking .have not betrayed my h. I can appreciate a good looking woman and a good looking man as an individual married or not. There is nothing wrong in thinking someone is . You can't recite thou shall not look at another man some men just their energy takes your breath away ...but adult woman with healthy boundaries know where these boundaries get drawn .and when healthy becomes unhealthy or wrong. But if the same Guy who I thought was attractive came on to me after I told him or he knew I was married .he would loose my respect and thus would not be attractive to me anymore Also veronica you might want to reflect why married men are coming on to you .one is a one off ....several would be what signal are you sending out generally . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veronica73 Posted September 11, 2017 Author Share Posted September 11, 2017 Okay, thank you all for all the help. I'm done with this thread. Now I'm being blamed for married men hitting on me even when I don't respond. Wow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 As the OP has expressed that this thread has run it's course it will remain closed after clean-up. I will refer all members to read this directive left on another problematic thread in this forum~T A lot of familiar names causing a lot of familiar trouble here lately. As another member had to point out, the OM/OW forum is just like any other forum here. It is designed for advice and to be helpful and supportive to the OP regardless of your personal opinion of the situation they have found themselves in. If you can't do that feel free to display your disapproval with your lack of reply. As I said, many familiar names have been sanctioned already. You know who you are, you all know our guidelines, and have become adept at tap dancing around them. Consider this fair warning that this won't be tolerated. No more pushing boundaries. Post out of line in the infidelity areas, be banned. OP, I return the thread to you and encourage very liberal use of the "ALERT US" function. ~T 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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