I kissed a married man...

[FoundMyStrength]

Like I said, I'm not interested right now. He's the one who instigated it. It's not like I'm going around trying to steal other women's men. It was a 1 second kiss.

 

Sounds like you're on the right path forward. I know some folks have given you a hard time for posting here, with the idea that posting here means you're still undecided about pursuing an affair.

 

All I can say is that I wish I'd posted here before I got too involved in it. I think the responses from others probably would have dissuaded me from continuing. Hopefully what we've told you is having an impact. Honestly, it really is a sh*t show once you get involved with them.

[Veronica73]

Sounds like you're on the right path forward. I know some folks have given you a hard time for posting here, with the idea that posting here means you're still undecided about pursuing an affair.

 

All I can say is that I wish I'd posted here before I got too involved in it. I think the responses from others probably would have dissuaded me from continuing. Hopefully what we've told you is having an impact. Honestly, it really is a sh*t show once you get involved with them.

 

Thank you, and I'm sorry you ended up in a sh*t show.

 

Interesting what people assume...

[Veronica73]

And I was never undecided about pursuing an affair and feel like I was pretty clear about that.

[Sampson]

Just as you are thinking about it so is he. Think of the kiss as a test. Since his wife hasn't found out about it and you know her personally you passed and have shown your willingness to keep his secrets. So what is there to lose by trying again this time maybe even more forward and direct. I am sure it will come with a you are a special snowflake in his eyes comment, he can't help himself, your so smart, so beautiful, etc... But in reality to him your just willing and can keep a secret. Because hey he told his wife the same things and even professed his love in a ceremony in front of friends and family. The only special snowflake in his eyes is himself. And as he gets, coerces, or guilts you into an emotional or sexual affair he will destroy who you are and how you feel about yourself and the choices you make in life. Be the better person. Don't ignore or excuse the kiss because essentially he just tested if you open to an affair. Think of the risk he took to smack that on you? He planned it.

[FoundMyStrength]

Just as you are thinking about it so is he. Think of the kiss as a test. Since his wife hasn't found out about it and you know her personally you passed and have shown your willingness to keep his secrets. So what is there to lose by trying again this time maybe even more forward and direct. I am sure it will come with a you are a special snowflake in his eyes comment, he can't help himself, your so smart, so beautiful, etc... But in reality to him your just willing and can keep a secret. Because hey he told his wife the same things and even professed his love in a ceremony in front of friends and family. The only special snowflake in his eyes is himself. And as he gets, coerces, or guilts you into an emotional or sexual affair he will destroy who you are and how you feel about yourself and the choices you make in life. Be the better person. Don't ignore or excuse the kiss because essentially he just tested if you open to an affair. Think of the risk he took to smack that on you? He planned it.

 

Sampson makes a really good point here. These men put out "feelers" early on to test whether a woman is open to an affair. In your case, it was a kiss. In my case, it was a series of conversations which included sexual innuendos and discussions, as well as disclosures about his own father's dalliances and overseas mistress. In retrospect, I believe he was testing the waters: "Will she laugh? How will she react to the story of my dad's infidelity? Is she running as fast as possible in the other direction?"

 

And then based on the responses, they move in. Based on your response, he'll be back for more. I'm glad to hear you have no intention of obliging him.

[jah526]

Sampson makes a really good point here. These men put out "feelers" early on to test whether a woman is open to an affair. In your case, it was a kiss. In my case, it was a series of conversations which included sexual innuendos and discussions, as well as disclosures about his own father's dalliances and overseas mistress. In retrospect, I believe he was testing the waters: "Will she laugh? How will she react to the story of my dad's infidelity? Is she running as fast as possible in the other direction?"

 

And then based on the responses, they move in. Based on your response, he'll be back for more. I'm glad to hear you have no intention of obliging him.

 

Mine was very subtle but I guess the first clue should've been that he kept inviting me to join him in a sport where he knew his wife wouldn't be. And I wasn't the only one he was trying this on. He told me that he asked one lady who immediately asked if his wife would be there. When he said no, she passed. He was very offended by that. Ha!

 

Once I caved in and went with him, the conversation turned personal and he wanted to know why I didn't have a boyfriend. Things just escalated from there, but it happened slowly, over a period of months, until something physical finally happened, and that was the last barrier. He got what he wanted.

 

Funny thing is, he told me this was his game. He said he always got what he wanted because he was always able to outlast and wear down the other person.

 

Looking back on it, I really admire the lady that told him "no" in the beginning. That's someone with good boundaries.

[Darren Steez]

Oh give me a break. I was plenty drunk and still knew what I was doing was wrong. I've never not known what was right and wrong no matter how much I was drinking. People just use that as an excuse to do things they know they shouldn't. At least I'm honest about it. And I'm not the one who made a commitment to this woman. I HIGHLY doubt this is the first time he has strayed. He travels for work all the time.

 

So knowing he's possibly a cheat and you still got off with him...what does that say about you... just saying..

[Veronica73]

I hadn't thought about it the way Sampson was framing it. That possibly it's strategic, not just a momentary lapse in judgement. Thank you, I will keep that in mind.

 

So knowing he's possibly a cheat and you still got off with him...what does that say about you... just saying..

Ummm... that I'm a human being that makes mistakes? And that sexual desires don't always line up with what is ethical?

Edited September 8, 2017 by Veronica73

[Veronica73]

Plus the man is just hot.

[sandylee1]

A married man who pursues you, knowing you are aware of his marital status is actually sending a clear message about the type of woman he thinks you are.

 

You need to show him you aren't that type.

 

Avoid him like the plague

[elaine567]

...I'm not the one who made a commitment to this woman. I HIGHLY doubt this is the first time he has strayed. He travels for work all the time.

 

This is OW speak. We hear it here all the time. "I am not breaking any vows, he is"

 

Be careful.

Before you know it you will have yourself convinced that it is all OK.

Your ego will then take over and you then find yourself in a "competition" with the wife, vying for his time, his attention and his "love"...

However, you KNOW you are bound to win, that is until you don't...

and that is when it really starts to get difficult...

 

Plus the man is just hot.

^^^He tested the waters and if you are honest you are still considering...

[stillafool]

I know it was wrong, and I felt awful about it the next day, but at the same time I really liked it. And now he's in my head. I never understood why anybody would get involved with a married man (because he's a cheat and who wants to be with a cheat), but I kind of get it now. Well, for one thing he is very good looking. Plus it is nice to be desired. But I think there is something about doing something that you're not supposed to do, that is kind of exciting. I've never done anything like this before.

 

 

Do good looking single men desire you? You are not suppose to steal but if you robbed a bank you would have a bigger payoff and it would be much more exciting. Kissing the husband of a woman you know, with little remorse, isn't exciting but mostly dirty.

[jenkins95]

Originally Posted by Darren Steez:

So knowing he's possibly a cheat and you still got off with him...what does that say about you... just saying..

 

Ummm... that I'm a human being that makes mistakes? And that sexual desires don't always line up with what is ethical?

 

Great, so you see and acknowledge that it was a mistake and was not ethical. Kudos to you for that. Now, walk away, never repeat it and very little overall damage has been done.

 

However, if you let curiosity, excitement and ego take you in the other direction, then guaranteed heartbreak and devastation lies ahead for you and likely many others. I've been there, and so have many other posters. Not recommended. Please don't do it!

 

Good luck Veronica! x

[whichwayisup]

Plus the man is just hot.

 

As long as you see him in this light, you two will hook up again. You want this on some level and now it all just depends on your own self worth/self respect vs sexual desire weakness for him.

[Veronica73]

A married man who pursues you, knowing you are aware of his marital status is actually sending a clear message about the type of woman he thinks you are.

 

You need to show him you aren't that type.

What type of woman is that?

 

This is OW speak. We hear it here all the time. "I am not breaking any vows, he is"

 

Be careful.

Before you know it you will have yourself convinced that it is all OK.

Your ego will then take over and you then find yourself in a "competition" with the wife, vying for his time, his attention and his "love"...

However, you KNOW you are bound to win, that is until you don't...

and that is when it really starts to get difficult...

 

 

^^^He tested the waters and if you are honest you are still considering...

Maybe it's OW speak, but it is also rational. And I didn't think of it any differently when I was married. If my husband had hit on someone I knew and they ended up kissing for a second... I'd be pissed at the girl, and I'd be hurt, but the onus would have been on my husband. He's the one that made promises to me.

 

The reason I felt so bad, was because I imagined how I would have felt if I was in her position and found out. I would have been hurt. And I don't want to hurt people unnecessarily. Especially if it's just for my own shallow pleasure. That goes against MY value system. I do my best to not hurt people and to behave in such a way that if everybody behaved that way, the world would be a better place. So that was my mistake.

 

Somebody here even told me I was MORE culpable than the husband. I can't even comprehend that line of thinking. How can you expect someone you barely know to respect your wedding vows more than the man you married and share a life, history, and children with. That's crazy! I don't even know what their wedding vows are! Or what kind of marriage they have. What sort of behavior they are okay with or not between each other. And I don't even care. It's their marriage and none of my business. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to make my life anymore complicated and messy than needed. And hell, sometimes jealous spouses go off and kill the other man/woman. No thank you. The only way I can possibly imagine that I would be okay with sleeping with him, is if she out of the blue came up to me and was like "Veronica, Mr. X told me he's attracted to you and he thinks you're attracted to him, and I'm fine if you want to have a little fling with him. He loves me and our relationship wouldn't be threatened by meaningless sex with you" Barring that I can't imagine a scenario that would make it okay. And I think the possibility of that happening is about... 0.01%

 

Do good looking single men desire you? You are not suppose to steal but if you robbed a bank you would have a bigger payoff and it would be much more exciting. Kissing the husband of a woman you know, with little remorse, isn't exciting but mostly dirty.

 

1. I was remorseful, and still am to some extent, especially when I imagine her finding out about it. How should I show it? Flagellate myself? Or maybe I should confess to her and express my remorse and ask for her forgiveness? Think that would make things better? I already said it was a mistake, I felt bad, and that I wasn't going to do it again.

 

2. Dirty and exciting aren't mutually exclusive.

 

 

Great, so you see and acknowledge that it was a mistake and was not ethical. Kudos to you for that. Now, walk away, never repeat it and very little overall damage has been done.

 

However, if you let curiosity, excitement and ego take you in the other direction, then guaranteed heartbreak and devastation lies ahead for you and likely many others. I've been there, and so have many other posters. Not recommended. Please don't do it!

 

Good luck Veronica! x

 

THANK YOU! I appreciate your comment and warning.

 

As long as you see him in this light, you two will hook up again. You want this on some level and now it all just depends on your own self worth/self respect vs sexual desire weakness for him.

 

Really, now I can only think available men are hot? I do have some self control. I'm not an animal, and I don't have such a low opinion of men that I think they are all animals who can't control themselves. I'm sure his wife is well aware that her husband is hot.

 

Good lord people. I really do appreciate the warnings, and personal anecdotes and telling me what to watch out for. And I suppose some people are angels who have never done anything wrong and it makes them feel good to judge other people.

 

I'm a reasonably attractive woman in my 40's who has been dating since I was 15 or so. I was married for 10 years. I have never cheated on anyone. And I have never touched anyone else's partner, despite plenty of them coming onto me, until last week for 1second.

[Veronica73]

And just to be clear, I really do appreciate the helpful warnings and helpful posts and sharing the common patterns and anecdotes and all that. I didn't know about all that stuff and hearing how these things tend to progress is very informative and useful.

[lurker74]

I think your post is useful. It reminds us how sadly easy it is to walk down the path of infidelity and to contribute to the infidelity of another. You know he's married. But you think he's hot and the kiss is exciting because it makes you feel desired. You can't get it out of your head because it is an enchanting thought.

 

Here's the thing. It's all fake. Just remember...it's all fake.

 

He likes you because you have none of the entanglements of his wife. No mortgage, no cleaning, no inevitable decline in the excitement of sex. Probably been a while since they "made out." So he latches on to you because he gets all the fun and excitement without any of the responsibility toward life, potentially kids, and toward you.

 

So of course he's interested and you;re likely not the first. But if he ever got with any of you, it would come with all the "dreary" responsibility that he finds sadly deadening in his married life. He hasn't learned that it is in THAT type of relationship where the magic actually happens. Where you can truly be loved for who you are without all the bull.

 

I've had a lot of sex in my life. I've had my share of partners. The first kiss...the first walk into the bedroom...yeah, it's great. But it pales in comparison to being truly myself, in love with someone else who is truly herself. I don't want the fake. I want the real (of course, I'm not raising toddlers anymore so it's easier!).

 

So every time you think about how exciting it was, remember two things:

 

1) It was fake. Fun, but fake. It is a lie that can only last for a moment, even if that moment takes years. Don't hurt the wife for something that is a lie.

 

2) Understand when you come to this section of Loveshack, you are dealing almost exclusively with those hurt by infidelity...hurt in ways that may never heal, whether they were the OW/OM or the W/H (or in some cases, both). That means you are unlikely to get a sympathetic ear when you post here. Understand that and be OK with it because sometimes venting to anonymous forums helps you see the light. It helped me.

[Veronica73]

I understand, Lurker, and I'm not going to do anything else that could hurt her. I've already been thinking about him much less, and I imagine in a couple of weeks the thought of him and the kiss won't be exciting to me at all.

 

And as far as point number 2, I'm not expecting a sympathetic ear. But I have my own point of view, and for instance, am not going to accept that I was more culpable than he. That makes no sense. So I'm going to point that out. But I do take your point. And that idea that I'm unable to acknowledge his attractiveness without acting on it is also wrong. But I get it. Mostly the reason I added "And he's hot" is because I was annoyed by the assumption that I must be a POS because I admitted there was some level of enjoyment in doing something that I knew was wrong. Poking the bear I guess you could say. But I get it and thank you for pointing it out.

[Veronica73]

And they do have children, or at least one, but they are grown up and out of the house. Not that it matters because NOTHING ELSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN, but I can just imagine how evil I would seem if everyone thought I knowingly kissed a married man who has young children.

[Veronica73]

But it pales in comparison to being truly myself, in love with someone else who is truly herself. I don't want the fake. I want the real

That gave me goosebumps and made me teary eyed. I had that at one point, but we ruined it.

 

And yes, the venting has already been helpful.

 

Thanks for understanding.

[pheonixrisen]

And just to be clear, I really do appreciate the helpful warnings and helpful posts and sharing the common patterns and anecdotes and all that. I didn't know about all that stuff and hearing how these things tend to progress is very informative and useful.

 

 

Veronica it's not only the bs and how hurtful this might be to her...a lot of post that comes here is support one way or the other so you don't end up in the mess either .

 

We have read thread upon thread how hurtful this is to ow also the wastage of years and years ..the anxiety of waiting /wanting to be loved .waiting for that msg to come in etc...waiting that he finds time to see you ..etc..i am sure at one point all ow thought this is not the kind of person they are and then it becomes bigger then them unable to control feelings and action.and they are unable to move forward .

 

No body neither the bs nor the ow should be in this situation Affairs are hurtful for everyone involved directly/indirectly .

[Sampson]

Veronica73,

 

You can't ignore this "test". You can't "Just be friends" with a married man who has given you a kiss. In fact you might have already been engaging in an emotional affair as he probably has on his side ignored, mislead, and/or lied to his wife already about you. And sent messages she would find over the line.

 

My advice to avoid a world of hurt by all involved. You can either go 100% no contact, inform his wife, or straight up demand he tell his wife before you do.

 

At minimum you should at least tell him you did not appreciate him kissing you because you are not the type of woman to engage in a affair with a married man as a side piece. You are a better person than that. And that any future lines crossed will result in complete no contact. But this route is dangerous and wrought with minefields as stated by others the "wear you down to submission and through subtle advances" will occur because hey you kept his secret once. Your pot committed now. right?

 

Don't waste your time on a married man, as during this wasted time good single men who will treat you more than just a side piece will pass you by....

 

Good luck, take the rose colored glasses you view him through off and see his actions for what they are of a married man.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Sampson
1`1

[FoundMyStrength]

A married man who pursues you, knowing you are aware of his marital status is actually sending a clear message about the type of woman he thinks you are.

 

I don't think sandylee's comment is a slight on you, it's more of a realistic comment on how this man perceives you (or will eventually perceive you).

 

That was one of the most unfortunate realizations about what happened in my situation. The man said he loved me, said so many nice things to me. So many compliments. But in the end, those were just words.

 

His actions showed that he thought very little of me. No man asks a woman he truly respects to be his mistress. Think about it. It's asking a woman to compromise her ethics, diminish herself, be second best, hide in the shadows. It's asking her to be less than, and if she accepts that position, he'll view her in the same way.

[Sampson]

i don't think sandylee's comment is a slight on you, it's more of a realistic comment on how this man perceives you (or will eventually perceive you).

 

That was one of the most unfortunate realizations about what happened in my situation. The man said he loved me, said so many nice things to me. So many compliments. But in the end, those were just words.

 

His actions showed that he thought very little of me. No man asks a woman he truly respects to be his mistress. Think about it. It's asking a woman to compromise her ethics, diminish herself, be second best, hide in the shadows. It's asking her to be less than, and if she accepts that position, he'll view her in the same way.

 

this !!!!!

[Veronica73]

Veronica it's not only the bs and how hurtful this might be to her...a lot of post that comes here is support one way or the other so you don't end up in the mess either .

 

We have read thread upon thread how hurtful this is to ow also the wastage of years and years ..the anxiety of waiting /wanting to be loved .waiting for that msg to come in etc...waiting that he finds time to see you ..etc..i am sure at one point all ow thought this is not the kind of person they are and then it becomes bigger then them unable to control feelings and action.and they are unable to move forward .

 

No body neither the bs nor the ow should be in this situation Affairs are hurtful for everyone involved directly/indirectly .

 

You're right, and reading some of the other threads has made that clear. So, clearly, some people who are replying haven't read the entire thread and are replying without knowing the whole story, but anyway.

So #1. My first concern is not to do anything else to hurt her. That is why I said the only scenario that I could imagine that it would be okay to sleep with him would be if she came up to me out of the blue and said she was totally okay with it and it was all honest and open. Which as HIGHLY unlikely as that would ever be, IN THEORY, it seems like it is something I could get behind. Because I have ZERO interest in being in a committed, romantic relationship right now, as I said previously. I was married for 10 years and I was totally committed and dedicated and it all went to sh*t. And I was somebody who never thought I would get married in the first place. Now I have my own beautiful house, I support myself, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have complete control over my life. I have friends and family. I have no desire to put my happiness and future in the hands of somebody else. So in theory, sleeping with a hot man who is in an OPEN and HONEST relationship for casual sex is appealing. But at the same time, I haven't completely given up on love, and I have a slim hope that it may happen again someday. So knowing myself, and reading a few threads where the OW's starting out thought they were just in it for casual sex and then developed feelings and fell in love with the MM, I realize, even if it was all above board, I think if that situation ever fell into my lap, I would most likely still end up heartbroken.

 

So yes, even the posts that weren't about not hurting the BS came through were helpful and made me think. Nothing is going to happen. Even if it was all above board and the wife was okay with it, it's a dead end that would likely end up with me heartbroken. Which I already am.

 

Veronica73,

 

You can't ignore this "test". You can't "Just be friends" with a married man who has given you a kiss. In fact you might have already been engaging in an emotional affair as he probably has on his side ignored, mislead, and/or lied to his wife already about you. And sent messages she would find over the line.

 

My advice to avoid a world of hurt by all involved. You can either go 100% no contact, inform his wife, or straight up demand he tell his wife before you do.

 

At minimum you should at least tell him you did not appreciate him kissing you because you are not the type of woman to engage in a affair with a married man as a side piece. You are a better person than that. And that any future lines crossed will result in complete no contact. But this route is dangerous and wrought with minefields as stated by others the "wear you down to submission and through subtle advances" will occur because hey you kept his secret once. Your pot committed now. right?

 

Don't waste your time on a married man, as during this wasted time good single men who will treat you more than just a side piece will pass you by....

 

Good luck, take the rose colored glasses you view him through off and see his actions for what they are of a married man.

 

How am I viewing him with rose colored glasses? I already acknowledged we barely know each other (we just met)! I already acknowledged I'm most likely not the first woman he has strayed with. We probably talked for maybe 15 minutes. I have no way of contacting him except through his wife, so how am I going to contact him and tell him I'm not "that type of woman" (whatever that type is)? We have never sent messages. We spoke 15 minutes max. Most likely less. I don't know. I was drunk. I don't recall having an in depth conversation. We kissed for a second. And yes I enjoyed the kiss. So burn me. Sorry.

 

I don't think sandylee's comment is a slight on you, it's more of a realistic comment on how this man perceives you (or will eventually perceive you).

 

That was one of the most unfortunate realizations about what happened in my situation. The man said he loved me, said so many nice things to me. So many compliments. But in the end, those were just words.

 

His actions showed that he thought very little of me. No man asks a woman he truly respects to be his mistress. Think about it. It's asking a woman to compromise her ethics, diminish herself, be second best, hide in the shadows. It's asking her to be less than, and if she accepts that position, he'll view her in the same way.

 

Sandylee's comment wasn't neccessarily a slight, which is why I asked for clarification. There were at least a couple of other posts which were undoubtably slights, a couple of others which made me think the people were either living in lala land or a nunnery. I asked for clarification about Sandylee's comment. I mean, I wouldn't assume what "type" of woman somebody was who had an affair with a married man, anymore than I would assume what "type" a woman was who was married to a philanderer.