Zahara Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Advice would be to cancel and allow yourself a chance to heal. You are doing an incredible disservice to yourself by meeting up with her. There is no possible way to be friends with someone that hurts you. And only 5 days ago you posted about the pain you are going through. Accept that she has decided to move on. Suffer through the loss and push forward so that you can get to the other side. What you're trying to do now is only going to cause you to drown in more pain. It's a temporary bandaid. Once you part after your meal, the pain is going to be even worse when you realize the reality that you cannot be with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 Advice would be to cancel and allow yourself a chance to heal. You are doing an incredible disservice to yourself by meeting up with her. There is no possible way to be friends with someone that hurts you. And only 5 days ago you posted about the pain you are going through. Accept that she has decided to move on. Suffer through the loss and push forward so that you can get to the other side. What you're trying to do now is only going to cause you to drown in more pain. It's a temporary bandaid. Once you part after your meal, the pain is going to be even worse when you realize the reality that you cannot be with her. You may be right, who knows. The way I look at it is that I dont have a great deal to lose. Im not with as it stands today and wont be with after the meal but if I can try to establish some info that has been on my mind it will help me to move on and leave it at that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 You may be right, who knows. The way I look at it is that I dont have a great deal to lose. Im not with as it stands today and wont be with after the meal but if I can try to establish some info that has been on my mind it will help me to move on and leave it at that.. If you are seeking closure and answers, it is a futile endeavor. Dumpees often come on these boards seeking advice about getting closure from the dumper in hopes it helps resolve their pain. What helps resolve the pain is staying NC and working through those emotions yourself. You cannot seek comfort from what hurts you. Dumpers tell you what you want to hear to avoid hurting you, or they omit the truth. So, the need to seek answers is a wasted effort. It doesn't and won't change a thing. At the end of the day, she has told you that she is confused by the issues going on with her ex and that she wants her freedom, as well as the fact that she has lost feelings for you. That is all the information you need to move on. When someone does not want to be with you, walk away. The more you chase, the more you become unattractive in their eyes. Save yourself anymore hurt. Move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 There is no such thing as a 'friends date'. This is a fool's errand. You want reconciliation. She's open to a free meal because she has nothing better to do. You think this will make things right. What it's going to do is rip your heart out one more time & send you back to the beginning when the pain of the break up was most acute. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 You do have expectations for this meeting. What are they? What do you hope to gain from it? You already know why she broke up. It's obvious to people on here. You cannot be friends with her because you both feel differently about each other. I honestly think she does like you and enjoyed her time with you, but you appear to be a rebound. Someone that was there to add some enjoyment to her life as she's going through a possible divorce and deciding on whether to get back with her ex. If you do go, you do have nothing to lose other than you'll be putting off the inevitable of having to move completely on from her because you two will not be together like you wish. You'll still have questions and be confused as you analyze every little detail and look for some signs of hope once the meeting ends. I wasted another 4 months of my life after allowing myself to be strung along after my 3 month post break up meeting with my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 You're basically avoiding the inevitability of moving on. I've been there and done that. It only hurts you in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nothingsintheflowerz Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Yes, I agree with everyone else...don't go. Get over her first. You shouldn't have even reached out to her in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Bad idea, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 greenicon Despite all of our dire warnings, you are probably going to meet her anyway. If it doesn't turn out the way you want, I sincerely hope that the trauma this causes will at least give you the boost you need to get your closure & move on. Somebody blindsided me with a break up (I had thought he was coming over to propose -- boy was I wrong) Anyway I ran into him in a work setting about 2-3 years later & had to be mature / cool / composed & polite. We ended up having coffee in the cafeteria when he said something that made me oh so very happy that we were apart. I didn't go looking for that closure but it was sweet when it came. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 You need to face reality. For you, you're still invested and everything is on the line. For her, she feels removed enough and isn't hurting that she could "just be friends." She has said plainly that she is not interested in getting back together or anything more than friends. If you choose to assume she doesn't know her own mind, you will get hurt and it will be nobody's fault but your own. You need to go no contact and move one. She isn't interested in you anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 Quite consistent replies there.... At the end of the day, everybody deals with a breakup in your own way. There are no hard and fast rules that we have to adhere to and it really is a case of each to his/her own. I am the sort of person who doesn't neccesarily go along with the majority as its just the way I am. In respect to this situation, I may go/ I may not, I haven't genuinely decided. I didn't see myself as reaching out in a desperate way. It was a friendly conversation that is playing out as this relationship closes down(which by the way I am acutely aware of) . It's my way of handling it, If a friendship comes out of this pain or no pain then so be it. I like the woman, I get on well with her children, They are part of my community of which I don't know many people - you never can tell, doors may open in other areas. Never burn your bridges if you don't have to... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 There's a difference between not burning a bridge & actively setting yourself up to be hurt. It's way too soon for your to "friends" with this EX. You don't have to be enemies. You can smile & be polite when you bump into each other but to go out of your way to spend time with her seems self destructive to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Quite consistent replies there.... At the end of the day, everybody deals with a breakup in your own way. There are no hard and fast rules that we have to adhere to and it really is a case of each to his/her own. I am the sort of person who doesn't neccesarily go along with the majority as its just the way I am. In respect to this situation, I may go/ I may not, I haven't genuinely decided. I didn't see myself as reaching out in a desperate way. It was a friendly conversation that is playing out as this relationship closes down(which by the way I am acutely aware of) . It's my way of handling it, If a friendship comes out of this pain or no pain then so be it. I like the woman, I get on well with her children, They are part of my community of which I don't know many people - you never can tell, doors may open in other areas. Never burn your bridges if you don't have to... You're not burning a bridge. You are self-preserving. This you do in order to heal because that is the priority. If tomorrow she told you she is seeing another man, it would likely send you into a painful place. Hence, the idea of a friendship is usually an attempt by the dumpee to keep a foot in the dumper's life because of hopefulness. You can't have a friendship when you are still emotional about someone. You will do what you have to do and you will learn in your own way. Hopefully you come to acceptance sooner rather than later. Good luck to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 There's a difference between not burning a bridge & actively setting yourself up to be hurt. It's way too soon for your to "friends" with this EX. You don't have to be enemies. You can smile & be polite when you bump into each other but to go out of your way to spend time with her seems self destructive to me. True, on a general level. Like I was saying, There is a strong chance I won't actually go. I don't see it making a huge difference either way tbh. I accept where the relationship is. This is just playing out the embers. I don't see this as any different to earlier posts where people have waited 3 months then reached out and gone backwards. I have absolutely no intention of doing that. I have no expecatations either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 I think your are going maybe to get some answers to some questions that bothered you about the relationship. Nothing wrong with that but from experience I must warn you of the likely scenarios:1. She answers the questions in a way that makes her look the least bad and you know it. 2. She doesn't want to talk about it. 3.The last one and the worst possible one: she answers some things you had questions about and in her moment to get it off her chest tells you some things that you were never aware of or hadn't thought of that cause you a new kind of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 I think your are going maybe to get some answers to some questions that bothered you about the relationship. Nothing wrong with that but from experience I must warn you of the likely scenarios:1. She answers the questions in a way that makes her look the least bad and you know it. 2. She doesn't want to talk about it. 3.The last one and the worst possible one: she answers some things you had questions about and in her moment to get it off her chest tells you some things that you were never aware of or hadn't thought of that cause you a new kind of pain. I had thought about that - understandably so. In an ideal world, yes there are a few pertinent questions that answers would be useful to. Am I likely to get the full truth?.Probably not so we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 You need to face reality. For you, you're still invested and everything is on the line. For her, she feels removed enough and isn't hurting that she could "just be friends." She has said plainly that she is not interested in getting back together or anything more than friends. If you choose to assume she doesn't know her own mind, you will get hurt and it will be nobody's fault but your own. You need to go no contact and move one. She isn't interested in you anymore. I am facing reality, just in a slightly different way. Give me some credit, I know the woman of course I know she has her own mind. This isn't a case of crash and burn and to hell with the consequences - It's about me and the acceptance that the relationship is in a different place now and I will inevitably move on as will she, we are both young enough to do so and I would like her friendship in my life going forward if that ultimately turns out to be an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 May I ask why the break up? And now I think about it if you don't go you will have regret. A bunch of what its. But if you do go maybe in some way it is the closure you need for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 May I ask why the break up? And now I think about it if you don't go you will have regret. A bunch of what its. But if you do go maybe in some way it is the closure you need for you. Thats a good question, I think she wasn't ready for a relationship at this moment in time, feelings grew quickly etc. I have to accept that and yes I totally agree its a chance possibly to get some closure. I think she will take time before her next relationship as will I. More so for her as she is in the latter stages of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 I had thought about that - understandably so. In an ideal world, yes there are a few pertinent questions that answers would be useful to. Am I likely to get the full truth?.Probably not so we'll see. She's probably going to get uncomfortable and push back if you ask her any questions at the dinner. She's going to feel misled and ambushed. If you want to ask her some questions about the relationship (which I don't recommend), you should be upfront about it. Right now, she thinks she's going for a friendly dinner with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 More so for her as she is in the latter stages of divorce. Are you saying she is not divorced yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 17, 2017 Author Share Posted September 17, 2017 greenicon Despite all of our dire warnings, you are probably going to meet her anyway. If it doesn't turn out the way you want, I sincerely hope that the trauma this causes will at least give you the boost you need to get your closure & move on. Somebody blindsided me with a break up (I had thought he was coming over to propose -- boy was I wrong) Anyway I ran into him in a work setting about 2-3 years later & had to be mature / cool / composed & polite. We ended up having coffee in the cafeteria when he said something that made me oh so very happy that we were apart. I didn't go looking for that closure but it was sweet when it came. Just to update - I didn't go in the end, after a couple of days thinking I realised there was no point to it and it was ultimately going to do more harm than good - certainly for me anyway. I genuinely thought that it may have been useful but in the end I think common sense won through. It's been nearly 3 weeks - and its still hurting quite badly. Probably another reason not to have gone... Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirl11 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Just to update - I didn't go in the end, after a couple of days thinking I realised there was no point to it and it was ultimately going to do more harm than good - certainly for me anyway. I genuinely thought that it may have been useful but in the end I think common sense won through. It's been nearly 3 weeks - and its still hurting quite badly. Probably another reason not to have gone... I think you were brave not to go. I was in a very similar situation and Saturday night was a nightmare. Today was even worse after I stupidly texted her this morning. He clearly wants to be with someone else (married), which has spoilt things, yet going through separation himself. He was totally ruthless to me today, saying there was no us etc. Also to stop messaging him, or he'd block me. He gave me a last warning! We've known each other for 5 years, which just makes it so cruel I feel. We were just going "to see" before at his request, but he confirmed there was no point this weekend. I feel so ill and had to ring in sick on Friday in my new job. I don't know how I'm going to cope today. All the best to you OP Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted September 18, 2017 Author Share Posted September 18, 2017 I think you were brave not to go. I was in a very similar situation and Saturday night was a nightmare. Today was even worse after I stupidly texted her this morning. He clearly wants to be with someone else (married), which has spoilt things, yet going through separation himself. He was totally ruthless to me today, saying there was no us etc. Also to stop messaging him, or he'd block me. He gave me a last warning! We've known each other for 5 years, which just makes it so cruel I feel. We were just going "to see" before at his request, but he confirmed there was no point this weekend. I feel so ill and had to ring in sick on Friday in my new job. I don't know how I'm going to cope today. All the best to you OP 5 years is a hell of a long time to be in anyone's life. You must be going through a very rough time. It was quite an easy decision in the end, I knew it wouldn't have achieved anything. Her mind was made up sometime before. I spent a few days trying to work out what had happened. I've been nc for a few days now. If someone wants to leave my life I'll try for a while to see if there is any chance of working it through then I need to let them go, no chasing. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 If someone tells me they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is/was. In the meantime, I am living my life. If they come back in a reasonable amount of time for me, and want to mutually discuss and include me in the decision process about whether or not to continue the relationship, fine. Otherwise, I don't put myself on hold for anyone and let them decide what's going to happen with my life autonomously. And, they have a better chance of connecting with me again, if it's truly just a little space they want, if they give a specific time and date and place to come back together for a conversation. If they leave it open-ended, I'm already preparing to move forward without them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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