When NC is not possible

[BigBlueSky]

This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?

Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?

Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!

 

I wonder if it's inconsistent because she's having a tough time with it too. Some days she might feel stronger than others and she might put on a brave face pretending everything is ok. Other days she is probably struggling and will be awkward towards you. It might be infuriating to you that she seems inconsistent, but I doubt she is having a good time. She's made a hard decision to let you go and has a lot to work through herself.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to talk. It will only set you and her back. Leave her alone to heal, and give yourself space too. Then you can decide if you can handle being in the workplace with her. Maybe it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere.

[Hbroken]

Thank you!

This is so so hard. I do think I am getting better but still this kind of 'cold war' at work takes its toll:-(

I am certainly paying for my sins in a big big way:-(

I am thinking of leaving my job but I think what I need to do is once I heal, have a mature conversation about what her future plans are.. If she is also planning to leave then it is worth knowing about it because I stand to lose tonnes by leaving the job... She is unmarried and therefore May in the future be planning to move anyways (?)

[Hbroken]

Thank you!

This is so so hard. I do think I am getting better but still this kind of 'cold war' at work takes its toll:-(

I am certainly paying for my sins in a big big way:-(

I am thinking of leaving my job but I think what I need to do is once I heal, have a mature conversation about what her future plans are.. If she is also planning to leave then it is worth knowing about it because I stand to lose tonnes by leaving the job... She is unmarried and therefore May in the future be planning to move anyways (?)

 

Sad thing is before she ended it I was hoping she'd end it because I didn't want to be the bad guy! Boy did I underestaate what it would do to my ego!!!! Now all day long I am torn between the 2 wolves in my head... The honest, compassionate wolf and the raging angry ego 'addiction fix' driven wolf... I just need to feed the good wolf

[BigBlueSky]

Sad thing is before she ended it I was hoping she'd end it because I didn't want to be the bad guy! Boy did I underestaate what it would do to my ego!!!! Now all day long I am torn between the 2 wolves in my head... The honest, compassionate wolf and the raging angry ego 'addiction fix' driven wolf... I just need to feed the good wolf

 

That sounds like us too. We were both waiting on each other to end it. It was hard for both of us to leave the A and we both expressed it would have been easier for the other person to say goodbye and don't talk to me again.

 

From your posts, it sounds like you are making progress and learning from this which is a good thing! As an ex-MOW (I think I can finally say ex!!!) I wish I could convince you somehow to keep your distance and not talk to her or have any type of long, drawn out conversation with her. With my exMM we had tried to end it so many times. Most recently from this past May to a few weeks ago, we have tried to end it and said we would. And every time he contacted me, it undid the progress and healing that I made and made my wound deeper. Even though I still care for him, it was SO hard to hear from him and talk to him because I know the ending would still be the same.

 

Yes, please keep feeding your "compassionate wolf"! It will be worth it in the end... I'm trusting that it will in my life too. If you feel the need to talk to her, post here instead!

[bealigerent]

Hbroken,

I have been reading your posts and imagining it is my own exMM writing, It has been three months NC for me (he has sent two texts which I didn't answer,)As others have told you, your former AP is on her own roller coaster, and feelings and thoughts change day to day.

It is evil, but I have been hoping my exMM is missing me and yes, suffering.

I also kind of knew he was not going to be the one to break it off. Did I want to? NO. But he has a family and I hope he is never discovered.

Could be your exAP also wants to be friends- since you work in the same place it could be possible-maybe. Maybe not. She is perhaps testing her own boundaries

Is it possible to meet somewhere public to have a real talk with her? I WISH I could have had a face to face before I dumped my MM but he lived in another state.

[Hbroken]

I wonder if it's inconsistent because she's having a tough time with it too. Some days she might feel stronger than others and she might put on a brave face pretending everything is ok. Other days she is probably struggling and will be awkward towards you. It might be infuriating to you that she seems inconsistent, but I doubt she is having a good time. She's made a hard decision to let you go and has a lot to work through herself.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to talk. It will only set you and her back. Leave her alone to heal, and give yourself space too. Then you can decide if you can handle being in the workplace with her. Maybe it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere.

 

 

could I ask you BBS, how do women react when they work with their AP that they still care for.... I mean do they tend very hard to avoid being in the same place? I mean I understand that that is the best way forward but is that what women are able to do easily...sometimes I find myself trying to work out where in the building she is... and I wonder whether she would do the same or is it much easier for her to hide away

[freengreen]

When you get to the point where you realise how you have been playing with your spouse like you wanted and thats its not fair....you will find ways to stay a mile away from anything that is jeoperdising the sanity of your marriage....when you feel the remorse, you get whole lotta ideas to avoid her.

 

 

It is unusual she wont leave you alone, its insensitive on her part, but be prepared to end convos more abruptly that should set her back. Good Luck.

[BigBlueSky]

could I ask you BBS, how do women react when they work with their AP that they still care for.... I mean do they tend very hard to avoid being in the same place? I mean I understand that that is the best way forward but is that what women are able to do easily...sometimes I find myself trying to work out where in the building she is... and I wonder whether she would do the same or is it much easier for her to hide away

 

Hey Hbroken, I can only tell you how I might react. If I were her, it would really depend on the day. The fact that I might bump into you would give me anxiety. It would be hard to heal if there was a constant chance that I might see you. So some days I might long to be with my AP and try to bump into him. Other days if I feel confident in my decision to move forward I may do my best to avoid an AP. And there might be some days where I convince myself I'm ok to him and try to act normal when I do. I suspect that if she is still struggling, her behaviors and feelings would be all over the place. If she's trying hard to move on, then maybe she'll try to avoid you more? It's all speculation, but that's how I would react if I were her.

 

Since I don't work with mine, it plays out from a distance (which is much easier). Some days I still long to talk to him and so I'll fight with myself not to send an email. And some days I am absolutely confident that I don't want that in my life anymore and so I have no desire to reach out at all. And as I start to heal, I know that the days that I have no desire to reach out will be more.

 

Hope that helps. Are you struggling this week?

[BigBlueSky]

So.... I'm reading your exchange on SL's thread and it looks like you're struggling. And wanting to have a talk with your ex. Since I can't dissuade you from doing that (I know it must be so frustrating to have so many unanswered questions on your end given the way she ended the relationship) just wanted you to think about what you want to say and what questions you want to ask. Go into with a clear purpose. And also be prepared that it won't feel like closure. You might come out of it more confused and upset. Be prepared that you will need to leave it like that and walk away. For your sake, I hope the conversation gives you some sort of resolution and peace so that you feel better about walking away. I totally get why you are wanting to have it (and whether or not people here feel like it is wise or not, I guess you have to do what you have to do).

 

Good luck with that and keep us posted!

[Bittersweetie]

Hi HB, I just read some of your exchanges on SL's thread too and I didn't want to threadjack there. How you're thinking of reaching out, how you're concerned about whether she's leaving before you leave...and you ask, what about my self-preservation?

 

Well I ask you: what about your wife's self preservation? She is living a life that is not reality! What about her? What if she knew the amount of mental energy you are expending on xAP, what if she knew you were thinking of changing jobs because of an ended affair?

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I know how hard this is, I was a MW myself. But if you don't start reframing things and stepping away from xAP, both mentally and physically, you will get sucked back in. Or you will have a d-day. It's been a couple of months. You are strong enough. You can choose the path you live moving forward...what path will you choose? Authenticity or more lies?

 

And I believe you should change jobs regardless of what xAP's plans are. Unless you can make some big mental strides. Or else your workplace will always be a trigger. Like I mentioned upthread, there are consequences of your actions. And finding a new job seems to be one of them.

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

 

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

 

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

 

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

 

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

 

Be very careful.

[Hbroken]

Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

 

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

 

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

 

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

 

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

 

Be very careful.

 

I will. I don't corner anyone. If I do ask her it will be to see if I can speak to her after work in a public place and I would ask her how things have been going for her and I would say that I find it hard to move on when we work in the same place and therefore it may work better to look for another post but before doing so I was interested in knowing if she also felt that geographical distance would work better and if she had given it any thought as well.

 

I doubt she would feel harassed ... In 3 months after her index text I have never even tried to look at her let alone speak with her... She is the one who has come up to speak with me.

[Hbroken]

Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

 

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

 

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

 

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

 

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

 

Be very careful.

 

I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'

I know I am hurting within but I never let it show

[somanymistakes]

I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'

 

I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

 

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

 

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.

[Hbroken]

I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

 

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

 

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.

 

I have left her alone. I wish she'd leave me alone ;-)

[Hbroken]

I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

 

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

 

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.

 

 

and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!

[elaine567]

and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!

 

Ok but I guess she did it, because you would not leave your wife...

 

YOU cannot steam in there and suggest she leave her job.

If I were her and you did that to me, I would be straight onto your wife or maybe not so direct, but believe me she would know about your affair sooner rather than later, I would make sure of that...

or maybe I would just have a quick word with HR as regards sexual harassment or just plain bullying.

SHE no longer has anything to lose, she is a free agent.

It is you that is in a delicate position here.

 

Make up your mind to stay or leave but she has nothing to do with you now, so you need to leave her alone and forget about making any "suggestions"...

[somanymistakes]

and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!

 

You dumped her in the sense that you let her down. She wanted to be with you, and you turned her down because it would be too difficult, too inconvenient for you to give up the relationship you already have. In essence, you told her she wasn't worth it.

 

She chose to walk away rather than keep eating just the crumbs, but emotionally I count you as the dumper, not her.

[K.K.]

I have left her alone. I wish she'd leave me alone ;-)

 

No you don't! Come on ... get real. You want her to walk right up to you with tears streaming down her face saying she's dying without you and has got to have sex with you right then and there. Then you want to lick the tears off of her face and push her to the floor and stuff your wang in her mouth so she stops crying. Then you both will have the hottest monkey sex that has ever been had in the history of sex until you fall breathlessly into each other's arms for a while. Afterwards, you both get up and walk away ... in different directions.

 

No talk of futures (cause there aren't any)

 

No talk of spouses or plans gone wrong (they don't exist at that moment)

 

Just pure lust, painful satisfaction and yes heartbreaking LOVE that will never ever... go anywhere in the real world. (You made that choice)

 

That's what you want isn't it.

 

Come on, you can tell me. I won't tell anybody.

[Superluminal]

You dumped her in the sense that you let her down. She wanted to be with you, and you turned her down because it would be too difficult, too inconvenient for you to give up the relationship you already have. In essence, you told her she wasn't worth it.

 

She chose to walk away rather than keep eating just the crumbs, but emotionally I count you as the dumper, not her.

 

How did Hbroken let her down? From day 1, the OP never said he'd leave his marriage for her. Even after she gave him an ultimatum, he still refused to leave but she choose to stay anyways. Her choice...every day...for 5 years. She let herself down.

[somanymistakes]

How did Hbroken let her down? From day 1, the OP never said he'd leave his marriage for her. Even after she gave him an ultimatum, he still refused to leave but she choose to stay anyways. Her choice...every day...for 5 years. She let herself down.

 

You're totally correct, but emotions don't always respond to logic.

 

I'm suspecting that from her perspective she feels that he betrayed her.

[K.K.]

You're totally correct, but emotions don't always respond to logic.

 

I'm suspecting that from her perspective she feels that he betrayed her.

 

Yep this^

 

You dumped her. Well actually you just didn't want to be with her. She finally got it through her head and then found the balls to say NO MORE.

 

I'm surprised she's keeping it together as well as she is. She must be hurting like hell. Give her a break.

 

Your ego should be the last thing you're thinking of here. You should be thinking about why you're still writing threads about her missing her like crazy and trying to turn it around like she's doing something wrong when she's just trying to maintain. All that "I never said I'd leave my wife" stuff goes out the window when she found herself in love with you.

 

And you... are kicking yourself in the ass for losing. You lost her.

 

Isn't that what you wanted.

 

?

[Chica80]

I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'

I know I am hurting within but I never let it show

 

This is a bad idea!!! Don't do it and even more selfish than you have been.

It will make YOU feel better to talk to her, it will make YOUR pain less. Because it's a transfer of emotions.

 

I've hardly had to see my AP the last few weeks. It has been so freeing to not see him to get distance physically and emotionally. It's aloud me to see things in a different perspective, see him in a different light.

 

Talking or any sort of communication even "friendly" just opens up those wounds.

 

If you care about her in any way shape or form leave her alone!!!

[Chica80]

Unless you're going to tell her you want to be with her honestly, there is NOTHING relevant to say.

[sandylee1]

I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'

I know I am hurting within but I never let it show

 

Actually, I'd realise that I'd been kidding myself, because this guy who claims to love me, has never mentioned or promised to leave his wife and think how many more years do I want to waste on a relationship that's going nowhere fast.

 

When she left her relationship, it created an imbalance...she no longer has to sneak around because of her BF.

 

She came to her senses and did the right thing. Maybe not doing it in person wasn't great, but like I said, she was protecting herself.

 

Now she's single she can find a proper relationship. She did the right thing....I know you may not see it that way, but in a few months or years, you could have a different view with self discovery.